whos more selfish?

[tinkerchick]

I am caught in between...staying with the man I love and want to spent my life with..and dealing with the next 8 years of him not being around..or leaving it all behind? I love my husband more than you could imagine yet I wasnt expecting this life..exspecially for the next 8-9 years. Is it selfish for me to want him to choose..me or med school or is it selfish for him to choose med school over me? I dont mean to just lay it out there yet that is how it is.. I am trying to be at his side and support his dreams, yet what about mine? I want a good life with him yet I feel this is more important to him! anyone have any good info..or do we just do what each of us feel is right and what makes us happy...this is driving me nuts

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[tinkerchick]

anyone have any answers or replies

 

[docsgirl1718]

Right now I am letting my bf live his dream and supporting him and I know that when he is done with school he will support me with what I want to do. I chose to put my stuff on hold so he can go to school and we can have a better life then I will get to do my thing. Its all about give and take I guess...

 

[TMZ2007]

Is he pre med or a 1st year med student? Has the decision on med school 100% or is there is there still time to decide?

 

[tinkerchick]

he will be starting his 1st year this next spring or summer...? and according to him this is his final decision and to him sometimes I feel it is a final decision with or without me! I want him to follow his dreams and be happy later in life yet sometimes I wish he would just do the PA route so it would save us and our future...yet I have always told him to do what makes him happy because I dont want any regrets later..blaming me. I just hope we can pull through yet lately I feel like I more in his way. So much for the marriage commitment it seems like the only one that is wanting us to stay us is me.

 

[Habibti]

Let me be honest: If this truly is his dream (like his life long, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life dream), you taking it away from him would probably ruin your relationship, eventually, because how can one get over the bitterness of being robbed of their dream? How do you forgive someone for forcing you to choose between them and the dream? Yes, it involves a bit of sacrifice on your part, but it isn't so much sacrifice that you will have absolutely no relationship. He can be in medical school and you can hang out; there is free time, but it's really what you make of it. Yes, it sucks at first (change always does). My boyfriend and I went from having full time jobs (meaning every evening and weekend together) to both being in school (med for him and vet for me), but we're learning how to make it work and we get to get to hang out (no homework) at least one night a week. It's not bad, it's just different.

Think it over. Would you want him to take a dream away from you?

 

[tinkerchick]

no, I wouldnt want him to take away my dream. yet do we not make small sacrafices for eachother. I guess I am being selfish..yet in the beginning he wanted PA...i dont know anything right now except you r right if i dont go with the flow there will be no flow....so thank you..

 

[SoCuteMD]

Well, I'm not sure how much I have to contribute to this, but I will say that I do not see changing one's career plans from MD to PA as a "small sacrifice." Although the field is the same, the roles are very very different. There are a number reasons why I, an MD candidate, would not be happy as a PA. I have nothing against PAs, and greatly appreciate the services they provide...but I just don't want to be one.

As far as supporting your significant other's dreams, I am a big believer in the idea that true soulmates support eachother's aspirations and find ways to make it work. Med school is not the end of a family life - I have a number of classmates who are proof of that. It takes work on their part and on the part of their spouses, but they do manage because they approach their goals as a team. There was a time when I was truly in love with someone whose dream it was to be a neurosurgeon. When I asked myself, "Do I want to be married to a neurosurgeon?" the answer was a resounding, "No!" When I asked myself, "Do I want to be married to this person?" the answer was, "Heck yes!!!" But I wanted to be with the happy, fulfilled, crazy-in-love with me and crazy-in-love with his career man, not a man who had shortchanged his dreams to make me happy. I knew that if we both loved our careers and eachother, we could find a way to make it work despite the demands of careers.

 

[smq123]

no, I wouldnt want him to take away my dream. yet do we not make small sacrafices for eachother.

SoCuteMD is absolutely right. Being a PA, when you really wanted to be an MD/DO, is NOT a "small sacrifice." It is a huge one. The type of doctor that I want to become (some type of surgical subspecialty) would be impossible to achieve if I were a PA. PAs are great and do a great service - but it is not the same thing.

I am caught in between...staying with the man I love and want to spent my life with..and dealing with the next 8 years of him not being around..or leaving it all behind? I love my husband more than you could imagine yet I wasnt expecting this life..exspecially for the next 8-9 years. Is it selfish for me to want him to choose..me or med school or is it selfish for him to choose med school over me? I dont mean to just lay it out there yet that is how it is.. I am trying to be at his side and support his dreams, yet what about mine? I want a good life with him yet I feel this is more important to him! anyone have any good info..or do we just do what each of us feel is right and what makes us happy...this is driving me nuts

I'm afraid that I don't understand why you are so scared. Does this mean that you will not be able to return to school if your husband goes to med school? Or does it mean that you won't be able to change jobs if he goes to med school? Or that you won't be able to have children if he goes to medical school? I'm confused....

If you are afraid that your husband will be so busy with medical school that he won't have time for you - it's a common fear, but it's often not the case. He will need you MORE than you can imagine! He will need emotional support, moral support, and a sounding board. When I had a terrible day in the hospital a few weeks ago (saw a patient die), I immediately called my friend as soon as I was able to. I didn't even tell him what had happened that day, but just listening to him talk and tell jokes made me feel so much better.

I know it sounds like a catastrophic change, but it doesn't have to be.

 

[tinkerchick]

I am scared of the fact he will not be around. At this point he is finishing his bacholars in exercise physiology and he is never around.. my husband is the kind of guy that will not strive for nothing less than an A. He works hard and gets down on himself and the world when he doesnt do his best..This is were the primary struggle is...I am afraid that the time wont be there and he will consume himself to his career b/c right know I am not the most important thing in his life and it just seems Im not important at all.. He ignores my feelings, doesnt want to talk to me...I guess I am afraid of him moving on b/c we will grow further apart b/c I am not in his worries and I am not what he is worried about..... I wish none of this was the way it is and its easier to do whats easiest "I guess"......I think things would be better if he would take in consideration how I feel and how things are...I know hes busy and consumed yet "what about me"......................

 

[RockfordWF]

I am caught in between...staying with the man I love and want to spent my life with..and dealing with the next 8 years of him not being around..or leaving it all behind? I love my husband more than you could imagine yet I wasnt expecting this life..exspecially for the next 8-9 years. Is it selfish for me to want him to choose..me or med school or is it selfish for him to choose med school over me? I dont mean to just lay it out there yet that is how it is.. I am trying to be at his side and support his dreams, yet what about mine? I want a good life with him yet I feel this is more important to him! anyone have any good info..or do we just do what each of us feel is right and what makes us happy...this is driving me nuts

Um, why do you have to choose? Just about everyone I know in medical school is married or in a long-term relationship. Why wouldn't he be around? Just about all of my rotations are near home and I see my fiancee' every day. In fact, I'm with her right now.

 

[tinkerchick]

From all Ive read from others whom are in school or are done....its not a choice "is it worth the wait" its more are we both willing to devote ourselves to our relationship or towards the schooling. How do we sacrafice one over the other..school...time...eachother! Throughout this what I have reliezed is are we willing to do this togeather! It takes a strong and both willing couple to make it through the next 8 years and devotion....I honestly dont think my husband is willing to commit himself to us as much as he commits himself to schooling. I think there is a fair share of give and take yet you make each day what you want it to be.....I guess fate and time will tell

 

[MedSchoolGF]

I'm sorry if I come off as brash, but I do think you are acting selfish and immature. It sounds to me as if you want him to worship you and give you all of his time. Wouldn't things be boring if he was always around?? When you got married, didn't you vow to stay together through thick and thin? Life isn't always going to be a walk through the park, but that is how you learn to appreciate life.

I am dating a second year medical student and I must say that it isn't easy, but it isn't impossible either. My boyfriend was home much more during his first year of medical school than his undergrad years. When times get rough, you learn to be positive about the little things that aren't as bad. We came up with little rituals that we do everyday to keep us in a daily routine. We eat breakfast together, I go to work, he studies, I come home, we give each other a massage, go on a walk, cook dinner and eat together, he studies and I grade papers at the same table and then he watches lectures in bed while rubing my back until I fall asleep. If you have your own life, then you will be too busy to feel neglected. Join clubs, work out, take extra classes, there are so many things that you can do to occupy your time. The school he will attend will also have a "Significant Others" support group. Ours meets regularly and we meet up and cook for each other during test weeks. It really helps when you feel lonely. Just remember that medical school is a life-long committment, they even take an oath vowing to put patients needs before any other aspect of ones life. It takes a very special person to date/be married to a medical student/doctor. You be proud that your husband is willing to sacrafice much of his life to care for others. What would this world be like if we didn't have such self-less individuals??

P.S. My boyfriend is a second year medical student and we both laughed when we read your post. He said not only do you remind him of his insecure ex-girlfriend, but you he's also praying for your husband, b/c YOU are his support system right now.

 

[tinkerchick]

I have always been supportive of my husband yet its hard to be supportive when he doenst want me around...I try to read or lie down in the office why he works on his schooling and he gets annoyed at me..I tried to help him with his studies yet I am not good enough..I try to be supportive yet you can only be so supportive when the other one pushes you away...I am glad you have a wonderful relationship...ours used to be that way...I dont know if its me or him or both yet I am tired of being left behind and not welcomed. There is a difference between going to med school and being a team and going to med school and not wanting to be a team...and I guess thats were the 20% divorces come from.......!

 

[aqwf]

Tinkerchick, I understand how you feel. Being married to a medical student can be very trying. Others who have posted have offered great ideas for sustaining a healthy relationship, and I completely agree that love requires some big sacrifices. However, if you're concerned that the biggest sacrifice may be your relationship, I think that is a fair concern.

I may be reading too much into your posts (and conflating your anxieties with my own!), but it sounds like you are worried that your husband will be so committed to his studies and career that he puts you and your marriage on the back burner for the foreseeable future-- to the detriment of you, your marriage, and probably him. That, in my opinion, is a very legitimate and not necessarily selfish concern.

My husband is a medical student. At first he really tried to lead a well-balanced life, but it just wasn't possible for us. He wants and needs to study a lot. It is very difficult for me to get his attention. I work 60-80 hour weeks in a career that I love, but always make sure I'm home at a reasonable hour to cook dinner for him. Typically we get to talk for about 15 minutes each over dinner, then he goes back to studying while I clean, do laundry, pay bills, and finish whatever work I had to bring home. Weekends are not much better.

At the suggestion of others in our position, I've gotten involved in the community and started doing more with friends; however, I don't really want to be completely independent and happy on my own. I married my husband because we are awesome together. I don't think it is very healthy for him, or for me, or for our marriage for me to be out doing my own thing while he studies alone.

Hence, the tension at which I previously hinted. I am trying my best to be supportive-- so I certainly don't want to tell my husband he should study less, or consider taking a more moderate approach, or think about less time-intensive specialties. At the same time, I want to look out for him, and I don't want him to emerge from his studies in 10 years and realize he missed out on our family life and all things we believe in doing together.

You probably already have a good idea of what your life will look like in med school, and it may or may not resemble ours, but if these are the kinds of things that concern you, I encourage you to talk to your husband about your fears. I have to be very careful with my husband to make sure that he knows that I am not trying to undermine him with my worries, but talking really does help. Together hopefully you can start to find some agreement on what's good for your marriage-- not just for his dreams or for your needs.

Good luck.

 

[HotCARLton]

As a married, male medical student, I feel obligated to give you another opinion...
In all likeliness, it would be safe to assume that your husband had aspirations of becoming a physician long before he aspired to be your husband. That being said. If your insecurities and worry create conflict between his education and yourself, school will most certainly win.
Please understand that flexibility and altered expectations are of key importance at the start this lifestyle change.
Also, to keep things in perspective, your husband is going to medical school...its not like he is being deployed to Iraq in 13 month intervals...I have a great deal of sympathy for the spouses of soldiers. For the spouses of medical students...find a hobby.

 

[tinkerchick]

yea, your right yet for all you men out there...find some femine in yourself and remember we are caring , loving, and need tlc..I am willing to be there and respect his decisions...its not like it will totally hurt our future...yet with that said you cant ignore and treat the one you decided to spend your life with like crap..we both have feelings,,,I need to respect his and he should respect mine.....why is that so hard for all you med students to understand...its not really selfish unless you expect too much or more than needed...whats wrong with caring, loving and talking or just being there for one another...that is how you get through med school.......its not the person is all there for the one going to school, it should be your there for eachother and willing to make sacrafices for eachother.........so there is no male or female.................just be there for one another and love and cherish what you have and will have....

 

[smq123]

.....why is that so hard for all you med students to understand...

Because we all fought long and hard to get to a career that we really liked. None of us had an easy road to get to med school, and none of us will have an easy road to residency. But we overcame those things, because we really enjoy what we will be doing.

its not the person is all there for the one going to school, it should be your there for eachother and willing to make sacrafices for eachother...

Do you really mean "make sacrifices for each other," or are you secretly saying "he should make sacrifices for me"?

If this is what he wants, you need to respect that. I don't agree with his approach - he shouldn't cut you out of his life entirely. And you two need to sit down and have a good discussion about his goals, and where you fit in with those goals. But that discussion will NEVER happen unless you recognize how much he wants to be a physician. And, judging by your posts, I don't really see that you've understood that yet.

Good luck - I hope your husband comes to appreciate your point of view, just as much as I hope that you come to understand his.

 

[primadonna22274]

Tinkerchick,

I have two thoughts for you. One, as a PA who sacrificed med school because her ex-husband was unsupportive, and it caused a great deal of bitterness between us. I've never been a content PA and still wonder if I should make the plunge and go back to med school. It's a daunting idea because it's ten years later and there is so much refreshing to do (but not insurmountable).

Two, as a woman who doesn't want to feel ignored by her husband. I felt that way when I was the student and my husband was working all the time. I was the one with time on my hands but he was all about the work. Truly, I may as well have been in med school because I didn't see him all that much. I feel for you in that you say he doesn't want you around. That's not a good place to be in a marriage. No wonder you feel unvalued, and who would want to stick around when you feel like the third wheel?

You need to have a frank discussion with him on what you're feeling. He may not realize how much he's excluding you. You should tell him that you WANT to be supportive (I'm presuming you do) but it's hard when he pushes you away. If he's not careful he may find himself without any support system.

I wish you the best.

 

[tinkerchick]

Its never to late to follow your dreams! I do support my husband yet I am scared of the changes, sacrafices and next 8 years of me doing everything! I work 5-7 days a week, I clean, mow, do everything around the house. I try my best to make it easier on him. He thinks I dont support him, b/c in the beginning he was back and fourth and back and fourth choosing between PA and DO and I told him he needed to figure out what was important to him in life and make the decision based on his feelings not mine..I did tell him what I wanted b/c he asked,,yet when I told him he only got mad...so it was best to let him ponder on what he wanted, not me...I never want him to blame me in the future for him not doing what he wanted...yet I am scared...I have a nice home, 2 dogs and I did have a companion whom we shared the same dreams..yet lately those have been shattered. This decision has torn us apart and made both of us feel alone. I am a planner and like to be comfortable and my comfort is deminishing..I dont want to move b/c my family is here, my grandma (whom is in a NH) needs me, and we built a nest together...yet if it comes down to it I'll move..He is mad b/c he feels I am not willing to get up and go, yet we dont even know if we need to go anywhere. I have told him "were see" as in were see where we need to go, were see if we need to move. He feels "were see" means I'm not going, yet that is not what I have meant....I am a needy woman, arent we all.. I want someone to hold at night, I want someone to tell me they love me..why is that so wrong? Why is it that when the tough gets going, things change.. is it so hard for people to be stressed and still be there for eachother.. I guess we are both bullheaded and we put up these giant brick walls when we feel like were going to get hurt.. I just hope others in this predictament think about eachother, think about how much "both" of you are sacraficing..not just one! Good luck I dont know your age yet if you truely want to be a doctor than go for it...as my husband says "I'll do it with or without you"