oshanimalia

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Aug 12, 2015
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So before I go into my venting phase, let me just say that I am first and foremost grateful for getting into medical school and still, when it all comes down to it, appreciate my classmates. They like to have fun, care for others (or pretend to), and are good people all around - I can definitely see them becoming good doctors professionally.

However, this past week has already left me fuming and anxious. As an extroverted introvert that values his privacy but can put on a decent effort in being gregarious, I feel pretty aware of how dynamics shift in a roommate and class setting.

I room with a subtly pretentious frat boy (from a prestigious university) and another more chill guy. We do have things in common, and the frat boy is pretty funny in a sarcastic way. But when it comes to social outings I am, for no reason at all, screened as the 'guy that isn't as fun'. Not even given a chance. I never really noticed this as a thing until I got a "wow didn't know he had it in him", "oh now that's a wild card" when I slammed a beer one night. I know that I normally wouldn't care and wouldn't be this little insecure ****wad, but in this case the frat boy roommate makes it a point to purposely dissociate me from any group, and it really is making me stressed seeing as I am going to be spending 4 years with these people. It's like experiencing something from a bad high school musical. Now, he doesn't do it as much, but it's because he doesn't need to now that people's opinion's of others are kind of established. Unfortunately, I am also aware of my race as an asian male and that it DOES play a role in how people perceive me socially (despite many others refusing this as a reality).

On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
 

420 blaze it

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bro i am just a few weeks ahead of you and coming up on our first test, and i can tell you that this is one of those cases of "an idle mind is a devil's plaything". your post literally does not matter.

when classes get started you won't even know what hit you. i used to lol @ people who made med school out to be a hard thing, i skated by in college and am a pretty cerebral guy, but the volume is just something that i cannot wrap my mind around. and apparently it only ramps up from here. i am studying when i get back from class until 10pm with an hour break or so and repeat 5 days a week, on weekends i do 7+ hours of actual studying.

you won't even care about it. in orientation i was trying to fuk some of my classmates and now i realize i couldn't even do it without worrying that i should be reading. i think settle into your classes and wait till december or jan when people break up / are more comfortable in their routines and you will settle into a good social routine. and enjoy your last day before med school starts, still cant get over how much work it is. i went from binge watching netflix into 4am to now "treating myself" to 40 min of breaking bad after a week of work
 

DrZeke

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So before I go into my venting phase, let me just say that I am first and foremost grateful for getting into medical school and still, when it all comes down to it, appreciate my classmates. They like to have fun, care for others (or pretend to), and are good people all around - I can definitely see them becoming good doctors professionally.

However, this past week has already left me fuming and anxious. As an extroverted introvert that values his privacy but can put on a decent effort in being gregarious, I feel pretty aware of how dynamics shift in a roommate and class setting.

I room with a subtly pretentious frat boy (from a prestigious university) and another more chill guy. We do have things in common, and the frat boy is pretty funny in a sarcastic way. But when it comes to social outings I am, for no reason at all, screened as the 'guy that isn't as fun'. Not even given a chance. I never really noticed this as a thing until I got a "wow didn't know he had it in him", "oh now that's a wild card" when I slammed a beer one night. I know that I normally wouldn't care and wouldn't be this little insecure ****wad, but in this case the frat boy roommate makes it a point to purposely dissociate me from any group, and it really is making me stressed seeing as I am going to be spending 4 years with these people. It's like experiencing something from a bad high school musical. Now, he doesn't do it as much, but it's because he doesn't need to now that people's opinion's of others are kind of established. Unfortunately, I am also aware of my race as an asian male and that it DOES play a role in how people perceive me socially (despite many others refusing this as a reality).

On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
In the beginning of med school you will find everyone tries to be friends and mostly people settle into their anatomy groups or whatever group people are lumped into. Like you hanging with your roommate who probably would not be your friend but you were initially drawn to each other because you are rooming together.

After a while you find people just like you. I have been friends with all different people in my life but was always happiest with likeminded people. Don't be afraid to accept who you are. You need to get over this stuff. If you find you can't find anyone like you in med school then yeah you probably do have issues... But you can always work through those. While making friends stay close with your friends outside med school and your family.

Don't try and fit in. And if people judge you for being nerdy Asian boy get over it... We all get judged for something. Slam a beer because you want to slam a beer not because frat boy douchenut peer pressured you to.

In med school I used to say yes to everything at first and then just couldn't bring myself to do things I didn't wanna do... And eventually you stop getting inviting to stuff you don't wanna do...And then get over it. Listen to what this other guy said, focus on studying and doing activities you like. Go to parties and talk to people other than your frat boy and you will meet people.

Good luck.


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zeppelinpage4

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May 17, 2009
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Most of the people I spent time with that first month, I never hung out with again. I hardly ever see them now, let alone talk to them.
I was sort of the odd man out among my roommates too. We got along well and still like each other, but we weren't each other's primary social circles either, cause we just had vastly different interests and personalities. I didn't enjoy the same things they did. And that's okay, this process is stressful enough, so just be yourself and do what makes you happiest with your free time. Doing that, the likeminded friends will come.
My closest friendships in med school happened naturally. The first couple months sucked for me, but by the end of M1, you start settling into your real friendships and it's a lot better after that.

Also my friends outside of med school and my family are my sanity. Keep them in your life. Calling or skyping with one of my college buddies, or calling home got me through many tough times. To this day the majority of my closest friends are my college friends. I def chat with some of them more often than I do with most of my own classmates. Though I've been fortunate enough to become just as close w/ a small number of people in my class. Quality >>>> Quantity any day.
 
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Crayola227

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bro i am just a few weeks ahead of you and coming up on our first test, and i can tell you that this is one of those cases of "an idle mind is a devil's plaything". your post literally does not matter.

when classes get started you won't even know what hit you. i used to lol @ people who made med school out to be a hard thing, i skated by in college and am a pretty cerebral guy, but the volume is just something that i cannot wrap my mind around. and apparently it only ramps up from here. i am studying when i get back from class until 10pm with an hour break or so and repeat 5 days a week, on weekends i do 7+ hours of actual studying.

you won't even care about it. in orientation i was trying to fuk some of my classmates and now i realize i couldn't even do it without worrying that i should be reading. i think settle into your classes and wait till december or jan when people break up / are more comfortable in their routines and you will settle into a good social routine. and enjoy your last day before med school starts, still cant get over how much work it is. i went from binge watching netflix into 4am to now "treating myself" to 40 min of breaking bad after a week of work
You should update your status from pre-speech language pathology to medical student if that is in fact what you are. Or just don't have any status listed if you prefer.
 

Crayola227

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Oct 22, 2013
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So before I go into my venting phase, let me just say that I am first and foremost grateful for getting into medical school and still, when it all comes down to it, appreciate my classmates. They like to have fun, care for others (or pretend to), and are good people all around - I can definitely see them becoming good doctors professionally.

However, this past week has already left me fuming and anxious. As an extroverted introvert that values his privacy but can put on a decent effort in being gregarious, I feel pretty aware of how dynamics shift in a roommate and class setting.

I room with a subtly pretentious frat boy (from a prestigious university) and another more chill guy. We do have things in common, and the frat boy is pretty funny in a sarcastic way. But when it comes to social outings I am, for no reason at all, screened as the 'guy that isn't as fun'. Not even given a chance. I never really noticed this as a thing until I got a "wow didn't know he had it in him", "oh now that's a wild card" when I slammed a beer one night. I know that I normally wouldn't care and wouldn't be this little insecure ****wad, but in this case the frat boy roommate makes it a point to purposely dissociate me from any group, and it really is making me stressed seeing as I am going to be spending 4 years with these people. It's like experiencing something from a bad high school musical. Now, he doesn't do it as much, but it's because he doesn't need to now that people's opinion's of others are kind of established. Unfortunately, I am also aware of my race as an asian male and that it DOES play a role in how people perceive me socially (despite many others refusing this as a reality).

On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
there's a reason people say med school is a lot like high school

it does get better

you will find your people

but yeah, most med students are douches. Some are made better by the time they reach attending and others not so much.
 

KinesiologyNerd

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So basically you're upset because your roommate makes fun of you? Why don't you... I don't know... Tell him instead of anonymous strangers on the internet? Or better yet admit you guys aren't going to be Turk and JD and find some other friends.
 
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oshanimalia

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So basically you're upset because your roommate makes fun of you? Why don't you... I don't know... Tell him instead of anonymous strangers on the internet? Or better yet admit you guys aren't going to be Turk and JD and find some other friends.
Yeah. This is literally one of those responses that tick me off. We all know those teachers in high school that encourage kids to confront the asshats or the movies where the guy steps up to the bully, but anyone whose actually been in that position knows that reality isn't so kind.


And yeah, I slammed the beer because I wanted to. The side comments came unsolicited.

Thanks for the words though, my internet friends. I guess I can't wait until we all get bombarded with academia.

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TheFutureFatMan

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Take a harden-up pill. You're describing LIFE, this isn't unique to medical school. It's how social groups work. Focus on your work, make your friends where you can, stop worrying about what people think of you. You're an adult, it's time to act like it.
 
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oshanimalia

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Take a harden-up pill. You're describing LIFE, this isn't unique to medical school. It's how social groups work. Focus on your work, make your friends where you can, stop worrying about what people think of you. You're an adult, it's time to act like it.
Suggesting that my life experiences were all dandy is not exactly the type of attitude I would like in any medical professional. You would be suggesting that I haven't experienced this sort of thing in the past, while in reality I have and was so glad to be over with it. I am just confounded that ADULTS in professional school would rewind me back to those days, is all.
 

docbsb2015

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Don't become someone you're not. Just be you. The friends thing will fall into place.

And I agree, a lot of people that you socialize with initially won't become many of your good friends later. Time will become the filter that weeds friendships out. Worry about school for now and everything will work itself out.
 

DrZeke

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I understand your angst. I wanted to make a comment because I see a lot of people say med school is like high school which is somewhat true in terms of cliques.

However, I also see propel say they think most med students are douche bags. I disagree with this. I think people are just people and this is a rude awakening of how life is. That's not to minimize OP experience but maybe you are learning now how life works. Good luck. You will be ok.


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egerdts13

2+ Year Member
May 31, 2014
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So before I go into my venting phase, let me just say that I am first and foremost grateful for getting into medical school and still, when it all comes down to it, appreciate my classmates. They like to have fun, care for others (or pretend to), and are good people all around - I can definitely see them becoming good doctors professionally.

However, this past week has already left me fuming and anxious. As an extroverted introvert that values his privacy but can put on a decent effort in being gregarious, I feel pretty aware of how dynamics shift in a roommate and class setting.

I room with a subtly pretentious frat boy (from a prestigious university) and another more chill guy. We do have things in common, and the frat boy is pretty funny in a sarcastic way. But when it comes to social outings I am, for no reason at all, screened as the 'guy that isn't as fun'. Not even given a chance. I never really noticed this as a thing until I got a "wow didn't know he had it in him", "oh now that's a wild card" when I slammed a beer one night. I know that I normally wouldn't care and wouldn't be this little insecure ****wad, but in this case the frat boy roommate makes it a point to purposely dissociate me from any group, and it really is making me stressed seeing as I am going to be spending 4 years with these people. It's like experiencing something from a bad high school musical. Now, he doesn't do it as much, but it's because he doesn't need to now that people's opinion's of others are kind of established. Unfortunately, I am also aware of my race as an asian male and that it DOES play a role in how people perceive me socially (despite many others refusing this as a reality).

On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
Based on this and your other responses, it's clear that this whole thing clearly is more bothersome than even your post communicates. And I'm sorry you're having to go through that, as if med school weren't stressful enough!

That being said, I think you've got two options here: 1) confront your roommate and tell him what you made public here. Yes it seems like an obvious answer, but if you want to nip it in the bud, then this is the only way to do it. Or 2) wait it out. First impressions do mean a lot, but as classes start and study groups form and you find your new friends, people's perceptions will change and you will find your niche and everyone will forget about what frat boy did to get attention during O-week. Really it just sounds like he's insecure and trying to project so that he doesn't have to deal with his own insecurities about starting med school.

Good luck man, it'll all pan out. Don't worry.


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Take a harden-up pill. You're describing LIFE, this isn't unique to medical school. It's how social groups work. Focus on your work, make your friends where you can, stop worrying about what people think of you. You're an adult, it's time to act like it.
this
 

FindMeOnTheLinks

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Suggesting that my life experiences were all dandy is not exactly the type of attitude I would like in any medical professional.
As the number of posts in a thread approaches X, the probability of somebody saying someone else will make a bad Doctor approaches infinity. What's the name of that SDN law again?

Edit: just remembered - Burnett's Law!!


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oshanimalia

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As the number of posts in a thread approaches 20, the probability of somebody saying someone else will make a bad Doctor approaches infinity. What's the name of that SDN law again?

Edit: just remembered - Burnett's Law!!


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It was a nod to have the poster check himself because he was assuming a lot of things about me. Not trying to shame him. Yeesh

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Yadster101

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In this type of situation you might consider asking your anatomy professor if you can be in the same lab group as your roommate. It will force you guys to have to rely on one another to get through a very difficult course which will necessarily lead him to open up as you guys become a team. You guys will get to know e/o well and will grow as individuals as you learn about one another's unique life experiences. At this point you must challenge him to a wrestling contest when the lab is empty. The frat boy will be stronger but you can pull on the cadavers body bag as he tries to pin you. The cadaver will be too heavy for him and you will win the championships.
 
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oshanimalia

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In this type of situation you might consider asking your anatomy professor if you can be in the same lab group as your roommate. It will force you guys to have to rely on one another to get through a very difficult course which will necessarily lead him to open up as you guys become a team. You guys will get to know e/o well and will grow as individuals as you learn about one another's unique life experiences. At this point you must challenge him to a wrestling contest when the lab is empty. The frat boy will be stronger but you can pull on the cadavers body bag as he tries to pin you. The cadaver will be too heavy for him and you will win the championships.
Ahh yes the fanatical thoughts of vengeance, thank you for this

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Suggesting that my life experiences were all dandy is not exactly the type of attitude I would like in any medical professional. You would be suggesting that I haven't experienced this sort of thing in the past, while in reality I have and was so glad to be over with it. I am just confounded that ADULTS in professional school would rewind me back to those days, is all.
It never ends. Immature and stupid people end up becoming adults too. That said, rereading your post I don't even understand what someone did to offend you so greatly so my opinion is further confirmed. You are being entirely too sensitive. People will form opinions of you that you can not control. If this is something you are really that worried about, then know that these things tend to work themselves out over time.

Even if medical school has your idealized notion where everyone is 100% respectful and mature, once you get out into healthcare that would completely end anyways. You work with tons of different people who are from all different backgrounds and completely different educational and maturity levels...and that's not even considering the patients. Finally there is just life, you will come across a million people in your life who you wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time with, learn to deal.
 
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oshanimalia

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It never ends. Immature and stupid people end up becoming adults too. That said, rereading your post I don't even understand what someone did to offend you so greatly so my opinion is further confirmed. You are being entirely too sensitive. People will form opinions of you that you can not control. If this is something you are really that worried about, then know that these things tend to work themselves out over time.

Even if medical school has your idealized notion where everyone is 100% respectful and mature, once you get out into healthcare that would completely end anyways. You work with tons of different people who are from all different backgrounds and completely different educational and maturity levels...and that's not even considering the patients. Finally there is just life, you will come across a million people in your life who you wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time with, learn to deal.
I guess a moment of insecurity made me socially anxious. Maybe I should go see somebody

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Adjet

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Give it time. In the beginning, especially orientation week, there is no work so it's natural to be preoccupied with how to optimize your social life and these little things play on your mind. Once class picks up, a) you will be more preoccupied with studying so you won't have as much time to care about getting everyone to like you b) you will gradually identify people you click with better than your roommate/roommate's friends to keep you company, and c) even if you don't get along 100% with your roommate in a social setting, you will adapt to/accept the situation and not care about it as much
 
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mehc012

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Don't become someone you're not. Just be you. The friends thing will fall into place.

And I agree, a lot of people that you socialize with initially won't become many of your good friends later. Time will become the filter that weeds friendships out. Worry about school for now and everything will work itself out.
People always say this as if there aren't folks for whom it's just. not. true.
The friends thing doesn't just "fall into place" for everyone, and sometimes things don't work themselves out. The question is, what do you do then? Nobody ever seems willing or able to answer that bit. I suspect it's one of those things that defies explanation.
 
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docbsb2015

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People always say this as if there aren't folks for whom it's just. not. true.
The friends thing doesn't just "fall into place" for everyone, and sometimes things don't work themselves out. The question is, what do you do then? Nobody ever seems willing or able to answer that bit. I suspect it's one of those things that defies explanation.
I would say you'd have a hard time explaining how you couldn't make friends (at least in M1 and 2). Don't like your roommates? How about anatomy lab group? How about the people you sit next to in class? The people in clubs you belong to? Those you meet at school functions and whatnot? Medical school affords you so many opportunities to hang out with different people that I find it hard to believe that you couldn't find at least a few people you like.
 
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Crayola227

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People always say this as if there aren't folks for whom it's just. not. true.
The friends thing doesn't just "fall into place" for everyone, and sometimes things don't work themselves out. The question is, what do you do then? Nobody ever seems willing or able to answer that bit. I suspect it's one of those things that defies explanation.
I'll answer this

-Go to class.
-Sit by people. Make small talk during breaks.
-Ask questions during lecture - makes you stand out in people's minds (hopefully in a good way. We developed opinions about people this way). People might come up and talk to you about this after class.
-After lectures, go up and try to talk to the professors or pretend you're going to if there's a crowd, you can make small talk.
-Go to class early and stay a bit late to mill about with people.
-It's OK to ask people what they thought about tests or assignments or "gosh I just didn't get that one question" (no cheating, no specifics). Don't ask how people thought they did or scores.
-Bring a big bag or candy/easily shared snack pass it around near you in class.
-Small groups be active and participate. It wasn't an official thing but people would make a point of bringing homemade/bought treats for small discussion group where this might be appropriate.
-Get involved in interest groups, leadership positions, committees, elective courses.
-Ask people where they study. Hang out on campus. Hang out in the computer lab.
-Ask people if they want to study together, "hey I'd just be glad to have someone to read with" (because people worry that you'll want to yap the whole time when you both need to spend 3 hours silently reading. But this can make friends for breaks together, or to do something fun after studying. Bonus if you bring snacks. Catching a theme? Med students are hungry by definition.)
-Tell people you're headed to the cafeteria/coffee shop.
-Get into stuff where you can ask people if they want to do X this weekend (movie, come over to watch a movie, go to a bar, go to a cool food hangout spot, indoor rock climbing, rollerskating, local music scene, salsa dancing, meetup event, whatever)
-Lots of med schools will have various social events. Go to them.
-Start a social committee if this doesn't exist. People will sign up. Plan events - post-exam bar gathering (contact local bars you'll be doing this, can reserve tables/get discounts on snacks/drinks. Med school prom. Med school trip to some cool place. Organize a hike or camp trip and email the class for sign ups.)

You probably caught some themes above. Small talk. It's a skill to work on. Food. Being available and "hanging around." Going to social events. Getting involved in campus stuff.

If making friends in med school is out, make friends outside it. Look up strats online. There are meetup groups. Even OKCupid can be used to make freinds (really, just list that. Talk to people not of your sexual orientation and make it clear you just want to make friends.) Make a certain college bar your regular spot, some are conducive to studying even.

Hope this helps.
 

mehc012

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Haha, wasn't for me, just a general note.

And as a follow-up, those are all great ways to get people to hang out with, but I've generally found that that has very little to do with actually making friends. Social events, social committees, people you see once a week or so at an activity, people who share candy with you...those are acquaintances. They're not friends. Just as networking has nothing to do with making close friends.

Not all social activity is created equal. Not all people you enjoy spending time with are friends. Probably most people that you hang out with are not truly close friends. It's pretty easy to have a social life and still have no real friends.
 
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Crayola227

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Haha, wasn't for me, just a general note.

And as a follow-up, those are all great ways to get people to hang out with, but I've generally found that that has very little to do with actually making friends. Social events, social committees, people you see once a week or so at an activity, people who share candy with you...those are acquaintances. They're not friends. Just as networking has nothing to do with making close friends.

Not all social activity is created equal. Not all people you enjoy spending time with are friends. Probably most people that you hang out with are not truly close friends. It's pretty easy to have a social life and still have no real friends.
More negativity.

Typically you make acquaintance with someone before they can become a friend. You know, like a stepwise progression. The things I suggested were ways to create acquaintances, have a friend group, which could lend itself to having more in depth conversations, which are how friends are made.

My list were things I did that put me into contact with med students (getting time with which is like getting time with a unicorn sometimes), that contact that leads to "hanging out," leads to opportunities, like studying along together in a room, and then breaks together over coffee leads to chances to discuss personal stuff, like "why medicine?" "Growing up my dad was sick with ____." "Oh yeah? My mom had X problems." "Right now is sorta hard cuz _____" whatever.

A lot of our curriculum included a lot of humanities/social determinants of health, etc, and this gave people chances to share personal stuff in small group (careful) and could lead to REAL friendships when you discovered personal stuff about each other. "hey, I heard you talk about ____. I've had similar experiences, just wanted to say thank you for sharing that. I'd love to grab coffee and get to know you more."

If you got involved in rape advocacy on campus, you might meet someone else who was involved with that. Maybe you both have that in common on a personal level. Maybe you get involved in a group for whatever ethinicity and you can bond over similiar experiences.

If you meet people with similiar specialty interest that can affect third year tracks for rotations, and if you have a wide cirlce of acquaintances those people you could be on the same track and have similar attendings, didactics, which lends itself to conversations about the experience you're sharing and its struggles.

I volunteered for a group project on a topic, and my classmate invited me to a local bar that was conducive to studying and we worked on it and had a beer. I learned that my classmate had interest in that topic because we both had family experiences that overlapped. We talked about our views on the topic. We hung out again. We kept hanging out, getting to know each other, talking, met some of each other's friends/acquaintances so we had even more in common to talk about. Watched movies together, made dinner together. This person is now who I call my best friend from med school and now it's been years. We talk on the phone weekly and have shared residency struggles, SO struggles, we're there for each other to talk. We've spent vacations visiting each other! (usually one of us was on a light duty with work). We even shared each other's Amion info so it was easier to coordinate having chats after work.

Another close friend I made was in the context of a mixer for the different years. They were a year behind, and this allowed me to be a mentor for them and we could bond over the shared experiences. When I got out of clinic I would come over and tell them what my day was like, get things off my chest, which was interesting to them as it was their near future. They could share with me their struggles being a year behind and I could relate to it. We would have dinner together and talk about our families. Got into some really deep stuff.

Another close friend was just someone who hung around the same library, we found a room to study in. Breaks ended up being the time that we got to know each other's life story and became best friends.

It's true some of the people I was closest with in med school, sometimes we would only get a chance for ourselves once a week. Some friends we'd have to get our damn day planners out and make an apointment! Some rotations you might not talk for a month! You need friends, and to be friends, with peole who understand, and can be the sort of friend you don't talk to for a week / month and still pick up where you left off. I had a friend we didn't talk for 3 months 4th year because both of us were away for like 6 months of the year!

Maybe you just have a hard time learning how to bond with people or open up or connect on a deeper level. Usually that will center around shared feelings, hardships or life experiences. Studies have shown that the act of sharing secrets or gossiping serves to help people form bonds and feel closer to one another. This is one reason why developing a friend or acquaintance group helps.

My suggestions were because people find themselves very busy and have a hard time figuring out how to break the ice and get those chances to form acquaintances, and then chances to bond more closely.

It's true the earlier you do some like this the better your chances of "finding your people,", developing a group, and that leading to deeper friednships.

It can be hard, especially with people from the area, with SOs. It is true most people don't have a lot of time, but it's also true med school is lonely, so dont' underestimate how many people are lonely and do want a friend. You just have to put in more effort and accept that you can have real friendships that might not be a daily thing.

I lived close to campus and it made it easier to invite people over, a lot of us did and we could walk after class to have a little time together. or dinnner or lunch.
 
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Crayola227

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Haha, wasn't for me, just a general note.

And as a follow-up, those are all great ways to get people to hang out with, but I've generally found that that has very little to do with actually making friends. Social events, social committees, people you see once a week or so at an activity, people who share candy with you...those are acquaintances. They're not friends. Just as networking has nothing to do with making close friends.

Not all social activity is created equal. Not all people you enjoy spending time with are friends. Probably most people that you hang out with are not truly close friends. It's pretty easy to have a social life and still have no real friends.
Now I see that you're just an accepted student. I find it hard to meet people and make new friends, but I'm easy to get to know and connect to. These are the strategies that worked for me to develop some very close relationships in med school.
 

mehc012

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I'm just saying that the barrier doesn't have to be at the "make acquaintances" stage. In med school in particular, that part is pretty much taken care of for you. So if someone is having issues there (which isn't a ridiculous proposition) odds are it's at a later stage.

I haven't been here long enough to have completed the acquaintances → friends transition yet, so I've got no particular advice on that front. I just think that people are generally too dismissive of this...this sort of thing is stressful and difficult and not automatic for some people.
 

mehc012

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Now I see that you're just an accepted student. I find it hard to meet people and make new friends, but I'm easy to get to know and connect to. These are the strategies that worked for me to develop some very close relationships in med school.
Nah, I started over a month ago, I'm just not changing my status until I pass my first block of exams this week. I feel like that's a better boundary than "I sat in orientation and heard about Title IX".

I'm easy to get to know, find it easy to meet new people, etc...but that transition between "I know you and enjoy hanging out with you" and "I would count you as a friend I could trust and/or think of when I want to do something" is the tough one. I've basically decided to let it work itself out and if it doesn't, well, I've got Skype and my old friends so idgaf.

My point was less about my social life and more that everyone tends to act as if, if you just meet enough people, you will automatically make friends, and I think that's not universally true and is worth a mention is all.
 
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zeppelinpage4

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I'm just saying that the barrier doesn't have to be at the "make acquaintances" stage. In med school in particular, that part is pretty much taken care of for you. So if someone is having issues there (which isn't a ridiculous proposition) odds are it's at a later stage.

I haven't been here long enough to have completed the acquaintances → friends transition yet, so I've got no particular advice on that front. I just think that people are generally too dismissive of this...this sort of thing is stressful and difficult and not automatic for some people.
Believe me, I know it's stressful. To this day, I will say that M1 was the worst year for me, and a big reason for that was not having made that transition from acquaintance to friends yet, and just being kind of on my own. That was one of the loneliest periods of my life, and I just didn't think those quality friendships would ever develop. I totally understand your point. Even though things usually work out, when you're in the moment waiting for it to happen, you feel like it might never come.
However, even though it took over a year, I eventually did develop those quality friendships. By the start of M2, to my surprise, I found that transition had happened. I know there's no guarantee that it will work out, and it sucks to be waiting not knowing if it will. However, I think over enough time, close friendships do develop for most people, it just takes a little longer for some folks and happens more quickly for others. There are probably >100 people in your class (unless you're at Mayo), odds are that you'll click with at least one or two of them.

Just eating together in the cafeteria between lectures, it was a great way to get a feel for who you click with.

So, I'm not dismissing your point that it's stressful and it sucks, I've been there. And I never want to go back to that year again for many reasons. However, having made it out of all that, I really think it will work out for you. There might be the one student who isn't so fortunate, as you mentioned, but the odds are def in your favor I'd say. Regardless worrying and being negative isn't gonna change anything, it'll just make you feel worse. But we all handle the stress in our on way, so do what works for you. Either way, hope it works out, I remember those first few months were the roughest.
 
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mehc012

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Believe me, I know it's stressful. To this day, I will say that M1 was the worst year for me, and a big reason for that was not having made that transition from acquaintance to friends yet, and just being kind of on my own. That was one of the loneliest periods of my life, and I just didn't think those quality friendships would ever develop. I totally understand your point. Even though things usually work out, when you're in the moment waiting for it to happen, you feel like it might never come.
However, even though it took over a year, I eventually did develop those quality friendships. By the start of M2, to my surprise, I found that transition had happened. I know there's no guarantee that it will work out, and it sucks to be waiting not knowing if it will. However, I think over enough time, close friendships do develop for most people, it just takes a little longer for some folks and happens more quickly for others. There are probably >100 people in your class (unless you're at Mayo), odds are that you'll click with at least one or two of them.

Just eating together in the cafeteria between lectures, it was a great way to get a feel for who you click with.

So, I'm not dismissing your point that it's stressful and it sucks, I've been there. And I never want to go back to that year again for many reasons. However, having made it out of all that, I really think it will work out for you. There might be the one student who isn't so fortunate, as you mentioned, but the odds are def in your favor I'd say. Regardless worrying and being negative isn't gonna change anything, it'll just make you feel worse. But we all handle the stress in our on way, so do what works for you. Either way, hope it works out, I remember those first few months were the roughest.
Again, not about me, nor about having trouble finding people to hang out with at lunch or on weekends. I'm not even remotely trying to have that click with anyone, nor am I stressed about it; I just spent the weekend before my first exam block playing the my favorite sport and then listening to a symphony with 5 or 6 classmates at an outdoor venue with a homemade picnic and plenty of wine. None of those people are good friends yet, and odds are most of them never will be, and that's fine. I had a great time anyway.

I do appreciate the encouraging words and all that, and it's certainly good advice if that's the tricky part for someone. But at the end of the day you're making the same point, which I still disagree with, that having enough encounters with acquaintances whose company you enjoy = you'll be friends eventually. I just don't think that's true very often and it's weird to me that everyone keeps pretending that the most important step is just gonna take care of itself 100% of the time. Most of what I've seen is 'good friends' either gel or they just...don't. That doesn't mean you can't hang with people, but you're not magically going to wake up bffs someday after hanging out for a year.

That being said, I don't see that there's much farther to go on this topic. People who have always had a 'click' eventually will keep on thinking that's universal and people who don't, won't. Either way discussion won't change anything. I just thought it was a point worth mentioning, especially since it can be so frustrating when you don't move past the part that seems to take care of itself for most people. I figured it didn't hurt to just say "hey, it's not always as effortless as the other posts make it sound, it's not just you". And though I wasn't really trying to look for advice, I appreciate that the responses on here were encouraging and helpful rather than angry or harsh. So, thanks, SDN!

Sent from my phone, sorry for any typos or brevity.
 
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LuluLovesMe

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Most of the people I spent time with that first month, I never hung out with again. I hardly ever see them now, let alone talk to them.
I was sort of the odd man out among my roommates too. We got along well and still like each other, but we weren't each other's primary social circles either, cause we just had vastly different interests and personalities. I didn't enjoy the same things they did. And that's okay, this process is stressful enough, so just be yourself and do what makes you happiest with your free time. Doing that, the likeminded friends will come.
My closest friendships in med school happened naturally. The first couple months sucked for me, but by the end of M1, you start settling into your real friendships and it's a lot better after that.

Also my friends outside of med school and my family are my sanity. Keep them in your life. Calling or skyping with one of my college buddies, or calling home got me through many tough times. To this day the majority of my closest friends are my college friends. I def chat with some of them more often than I do with most of my own classmates. Though I've been fortunate enough to become just as close w/ a small number of people in my class. Quality >>>> Quantity any day.
I really hope this is true, but how did you have time to meet new people after classes started?
 

dartmed

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God, med school is terrible. Lolz.

Here's what I wish I had done: maintain a professional relationship with everyone. Your med school classmates will be your colleagues...don't get way too close to them personally. Be there if someone needs to talk to you about personal stuff, but keep your private life...private. They don't need to know who you banged over the weekend. I say this because everything turns into gossip. Everyone knows each other's business unfortunately. And I hate that.

Keep your friends outside of Medicine close. They are NEVER going to understand what you are going through, but they will be your saving grace when you want to get away from your savage medical students. In all honesty, after 2nd year, I haven't really seen anyone. Everyone disappears. POOF. I have AMAZING friends outside of Medicine and every time we get together, we laugh our tails off. With the med school friends, I have a few really, really close ones...and some are extremely fake, so I keep them at a distance. Some are nice and I maintain a professional relationship with them. Hope that helps.
 

coffee-doc

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So before I go into my venting phase, let me just say that I am first and foremost grateful for getting into medical school and still, when it all comes down to it, appreciate my classmates. They like to have fun, care for others (or pretend to), and are good people all around - I can definitely see them becoming good doctors professionally.

However, this past week has already left me fuming and anxious. As an extroverted introvert that values his privacy but can put on a decent effort in being gregarious, I feel pretty aware of how dynamics shift in a roommate and class setting.

I room with a subtly pretentious frat boy (from a prestigious university) and another more chill guy. We do have things in common, and the frat boy is pretty funny in a sarcastic way. But when it comes to social outings I am, for no reason at all, screened as the 'guy that isn't as fun'. Not even given a chance. I never really noticed this as a thing until I got a "wow didn't know he had it in him", "oh now that's a wild card" when I slammed a beer one night. I know that I normally wouldn't care and wouldn't be this little insecure ****wad, but in this case the frat boy roommate makes it a point to purposely dissociate me from any group, and it really is making me stressed seeing as I am going to be spending 4 years with these people. It's like experiencing something from a bad high school musical. Now, he doesn't do it as much, but it's because he doesn't need to now that people's opinion's of others are kind of established. Unfortunately, I am also aware of my race as an asian male and that it DOES play a role in how people perceive me socially (despite many others refusing this as a reality).

On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
how old are you?

you most certainly are reading too much into this because you sound like a middle schooler.

go find some new friends outside of medical school.
 

zeppelinpage4

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I really hope this is true, but how did you have time to meet new people after classes started?
The first few weeks were busy cause I just felt so overwhelmed with classes and not knowing what to do in terms of studying. But eventually you fall into a groove and you get more comfortable with knowing when to take time off. I almost always gave myself 1-2 evenings off, usually Friday and Saturday night to relax and spend time with friends.
Post exam weekends are great too, that's when everyone in your class is suddenly free for two days with no work or studying to do.
Also, at my school, our toughest classes were in the Fall. So I had a lot more time to spend with friends in the spring when the class load lightened up. Your workload can vary throughout the year depending on what classes you're taking. Some course blocks can be tough, but others aren't so bad and you'll have more time for yourself.

You'll be busy, but there will always be pockets of free time. It's def not constant studying. :)
Like during the day we usually had a couple hours off between classes, or an hour off for lunch and that was a good time to hang out with classmates and unwind.
Studying at school also helped A LOT. You're always running into classmates in the library and we'd take study breaks together to grab food or coffee.
The transition at the beginning can be very tough, it def was for me, but hang in there. Wishing you all the best!
 
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OnePunchBiopsy

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On the flip side of the coin, I am beginning to get anxiety thinking if there is something wrong with me. In college, I never had this problem socially. It could be because that my school is so large that I easily found a niche of people I get along with and didn't care about anyone else. Since med school classes are a lot smaller, I feel that people are clamoring to be in a 'niche' and are willing to throw others under the bus while they're doing it. I am asking for two things: 1) Am I just being a bitchy little girl right now (no sexism intended, just finished sensitivity modules) and 2) How do I deal with this sort of "social only" ostracization (we get along fine when we study/read text).
1.) Be yourself. Do what you want to do. This will get you respect no matter who you are dealing with.

2.) The first few weeks of med school are kind of a s*** storm socially. Everyone is finding their niche and socially "acting out" to see what parts of themselves are accepted and looked down upon. Make friends with people you get along with and don't try to "fit in" if it means not being yourself to impress others.

3.) There will be many times in med school when you ask yourself if something is wrong with you. This is a time to learn how to self-reflect and see if you are in fact the problem, or if it is the situation/people around you.

4.) It is not uncommon for people to move after 1st year when they make new friends. If your roommate situation worsens throughout the year then consider moving.

5 (or some may argue 1) ) It does not matter how social you are if you fail out. Studying should always be #1.
 

DrZeke

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I sympathize with the OP, but I'm shocked and how many of you sound like you had so much teenage angst over med school. I just didn't find the social antics of med school that stressful. I just went with the flow and settled into friendships as they came. Nobody in my med school was awful. Some people were judgmental about behaviours at times but it was fine. I guess I was 25 and had already moved somewhere new before where I knew nobody and lived alone for my masters and so I already dealt with those feelings and how to occupy my time. Maybe I'm the weird one here, or maybe you people go to really mean cutthroat med schools....


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kamakazi5

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I always wonder why people make threads like this but then pretty much only respond to the negative or joke posts. Do you just take in what other people say and don't feel the need to respond? Do you find literally nothing helpful with the constructive and positive posts? This always makes me wonder when I see it happen.

Anyway, cliques, social immaturity, etc: it happens at all levels of any profession. You think that it will stop at some point but it really never does.
 
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mehc012

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I sympathize with the OP, but I'm shocked and how many of you sound like you had so much teenage angst over med school. I just didn't find the social antics of med school that stressful. I just went with the flow and settled into friendships as they came. Nobody in my med school was awful. Some people were judgmental about behaviours at times but it was fine. I guess I was 25 and had already moved somewhere new before where I knew nobody and lived alone for my masters and so I already dealt with those feelings and how to occupy my time. Maybe I'm the weird one here, or maybe you people go to really mean cutthroat med schools....


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lol, I'm 26 and I've moved to a completely new place >10x in my life. Everyone at my school seems cool. Sometimes social lives are hard, especially building a new circle from scratch, and some people have more trouble with that than others. No need to dismiss that as 'teenage angst'.
 

DrZeke

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Are you starting threads on here about it?


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Psai

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I sympathize with the OP, but I'm shocked and how many of you sound like you had so much teenage angst over med school. I just didn't find the social antics of med school that stressful. I just went with the flow and settled into friendships as they came. Nobody in my med school was awful. Some people were judgmental about behaviours at times but it was fine. I guess I was 25 and had already moved somewhere new before where I knew nobody and lived alone for my masters and so I already dealt with those feelings and how to occupy my time. Maybe I'm the weird one here, or maybe you people go to really mean cutthroat med schools....


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Starting something new in a new place with new people is very stressful. Beginning of med school was hard and I have nothing but sympathy for our new medical students. I had a lot of trouble with the adjustment and thought about quitting because of the sheer volume of anatomy. I made it through though and they will too.

It gets better boys and girls.
 

Crayola227

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Starting something new in a new place with new people is very stressful. Beginning of med school was hard and I have nothing but sympathy for our new medical students. I had a lot of trouble with the adjustment and thought about quitting because of the sheer volume of anatomy. I made it through though and they will too.

It gets better boys and girls.
@Psai , you've gotten downright touchy feely since you put that long coat on.
 
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oshanimalia

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It indeed did get better. All I did was continue to focus on being a good dude and slowly but surely the rest just fell in place. I agree with most of the people on here (even the ones who told me to man up, because it actually did help in a weird way). In short, I think the first week was mostly people trying their hardest to reinvent themselves or reassert their previous 'place' in the imagined social ladder, but now everyone's more like "eh **** it, we're all gonna be busy as **** let's just all have fun" and I found them more approachable. But then again, it could be me that was being weird the first week and normal now. Who knows, just trying to be fair.
 

24blue8

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bro i am just a few weeks ahead of you and coming up on our first test, and i can tell you that this is one of those cases of "an idle mind is a devil's plaything". your post literally does not matter.

when classes get started you won't even know what hit you. i used to lol @ people who made med school out to be a hard thing, i skated by in college and am a pretty cerebral guy, but the volume is just something that i cannot wrap my mind around. and apparently it only ramps up from here. i am studying when i get back from class until 10pm with an hour break or so and repeat 5 days a week, on weekends i do 7+ hours of actual studying.

you won't even care about it. in orientation i was trying to fuk some of my classmates and now i realize i couldn't even do it without worrying that i should be reading. i think settle into your classes and wait till december or jan when people break up / are more comfortable in their routines and you will settle into a good social routine. and enjoy your last day before med school starts, still cant get over how much work it is. i went from binge watching netflix into 4am to now "treating myself" to 40 min of breaking bad after a week of work
This is one of the most accurate posts I've ever read on sdn. This right here! Soon you will be so busy that everyone that tries to wish you well will be subconsciously viewed as an annoying time suck.

Ring ring... Who is that? That time suck nag who had the audacity to give birth to you 20 some years ago? IGNORE.

Knock knock...! is that your idiot roommate bothering you with something as stupid as a distraction in the form of food they actually made enough of to share with you?
"No...Senor 24blue8 no esta aqui...mañana..."

I also know people are always worried about long distance relationships in medical school... These things are awesome. Date the hottest, smartest, busiest, most secure person you can find who lives as far away as ****ing possible (ie a NASA astronaut working diligently on raising sea anemones in space). See them once every few orbits around the sun, talk, laugh, have carnal pleasures, then launch them back to ****ing Mars until after your next exam.(Squeeze in some asteroid or lunar eclipse emojis and one phone call if time permits).

Medical school is about the experience but it's also about getting **** done. Don't waste your energy worrying about what your roommate obnoxiously says after you have a drink. He will soon become a time succubus if you smile one too many times in his general direction.

The time will go by fast so make the most of it. Just wait until you're studying for step 1, 2... even 3 and stuff like having to shower or sleep is annoying because you know you should be studying. Your roommate and these worries will be long gone from your mind.