2 Doctors = 1 Relationship?

[AllIveGot]

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My story is a bit complex, so I will fill you in with as much background information as I can to allow for an accurate assessment. I am a regular member of the boards, but I'd like for this post to remain anonymous, hence the new screenname.

I am currently 22 and working full-time in my year off from college. I am applying to medical school for the 2008-09 school year and I have even been accepted somewhere in my home state. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 years... he is 23. We dated all four years of college, until he moved away to go to medical school. He is finishing up his second year of school in the Northeast. This school happens to be the only one in the state and is incredibly hard to get into. I currently live in the South (4 hour plane ride from my boyfriend). He has told me that if we were together, he would have already proposed to me... but due to the distance he wants to wait until we are a bit more secure with the path that I am going in. Now the an obvious question is ... Why aren't you living with him this year at least in your year off?

Here is the "background" that makes everything a bit more complex. My mom was diagnosed with both BC and OVCA cancer in the last year. The BC has spread to her bones... which is not a very good sign 🙁 My mom is my best friend and is the reason I worked at home this year. I also have an 11 year old brother who relies so heavily on my mom. I worry that if she is no longer capable of taking care of him, his life will spiral out of control. I am currently a teacher, and I see the effect losing a parent can have on a child.

On top of all this, I don't know what will make me happy anymore. I am a re-applicant who put an enormous amount of effort into conquering the MCAT. However, the idea of spending four more years away from my boyfriend is eating me up inside. He has been there for me throughout the toughest moments in my life, and I have no doubts that I want to spend my life with him. My mom told me last night "you need to do what is going to make you happy," but I don't know what that is anymore. I fought so hard for medical school, but how happy will I be if I let the person I love slip away from me?

The last twist in this story is that my boyfriend doesn't want to do a residency in my home state. He worked really hard to get into the school that he did, and he doesn't want to sacrifice what he has worked for to work here. He has said that if I can get into school in NY he will do a residency there, but so far I have only had one interview and the decision is still pending. I am also interested in doing an MPH sometime during or after medical school, so I don't know if that could help make our educational gap work. He has also said he'd be willing to take time off to do research so we can match together.

I know this is such an intricate and confusing situation. Anything you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I know there is no cut and dry answer, but I'm so confused with what to do. I don't want to lose the person I love.

 

[navy]

My husband is a 4th year medical student. We have been together throughout the entire process, and got married during his 2nd year of medical school. I know people do it successfully, but personally I think it would be tough if we were both in medical school. Just from watching him, I know how demanding medical school (and life after medical school) is. The process of medical school is tough enough as it is. It would be even tougher if you aren't 100% that it is what you want. My advice would be to continue with the application process...see where you get in....discuss it with your boyfriend....then decide on a place....then defer your acceptance for a year (this is usually possible)....go live in the same city as your boyfriend....and see what happens with ya'lls relationship (i.e. will you two definiately be spending the rest of your lives together). After a year has passed, perhaps your medical school decision will be clearer.

That's just my 2 cents. But I simplified things greatly because I did not consider your mother and your brother. It becomes a very personal decision.

Good luck with your decision. And my thoughts are with your mother.

 

[mshheaddoc]

I agree. And I can tell you being in two different levels of the process is hard. Sometimes there is more to life than medicine so don't forget that. And you are young enough that you can always apply a bit later in life once you have things figured out.

Now with your family that is tough and I'm sorry to hear about what your family is going through. I understand the commitment to the family b/c my father is sick as well, my mother wasn't planning to spend her retirement like this. With that thrown in the mix, realistically will you be your brothers guardian? If so and it sounds like its just you guys, will you be working to take care of him? Is your mom trying to get you to stay? Have you talked to her about it? Does she have others to help? These are all things to consider. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you at the moment and it's hard to "turn your back" on your family. Other people will sacrafice for family. If you know your boyfriend will still be there, you might feel more secure being the family figurehead.

Either way, I don't see you applying to medical school next year in this situation (realistically). Because if your mothers health isn't good, then its going to be a long haul for medical school if she's depending on you. Probably not the best time for you to go to school if you know you have extraneous responsibilities.

Wish I had the answers of life for you. with figuring things out.

 

[AllIveGot]

I agree. And I can tell you being in two different levels of the process is hard. Sometimes there is more to life than medicine so don't forget that. And you are young enough that you can always apply a bit later in life once you have things figured out.

Now with your family that is tough and I'm sorry to hear about what your family is going through. I understand the commitment to the family b/c my father is sick as well, my mother wasn't planning to spend her retirement like this. With that thrown in the mix, realistically will you be your brothers guardian? If so and it sounds like its just you guys, will you be working to take care of him? Is your mom trying to get you to stay? Have you talked to her about it? Does she have others to help? These are all things to consider. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you at the moment and it's hard to "turn your back" on your family. Other people will sacrafice for family. If you know your boyfriend will still be there, you might feel more secure being the family figurehead.

Either way, I don't see you applying to medical school next year in this situation (realistically). Because if your mothers health isn't good, then its going to be a long haul for medical school if she's depending on you. Probably not the best time for you to go to school if you know you have extraneous responsibilities.

Wish I had the answers of life for you. with figuring things out.

I really like what you said about there being more to life than medicine. I know there is much more to life than medicine, and I think thats what makes all of this so hard.

My dad lives with me, my mom, and my brother... so if anything happened to my mom, my dad would be his guardian. Unfortunately, my dad has been an emotional wreck ever since the latest installment of bad news was given to us. I worry that if my mom wasn't around my dad would basically fall apart, and it would completely ruin my little brother's life.

On the other end of things, I am growing more and more attached to my boyfriend. I impulse flew to see him a few weeks ago, even though he was coming home for Thanksgiving the week after. It is becoming increasingly hard to be away from him, especially since every time we are together I fall even more in love with him.

I think the most difficult part of my situation is that it would be one thing if I was choosing between medical school or being with my boyfriend.... or if it was just taking care of my family or medical school... but it is so many (important) things that I constantly feel overwhelmed and unsure.

I also want to clarify that I have already been accepted for the 2008-2009 school year and I am still interviewing. I am very apprehensive to deny an acceptance, but I may look into deferring it depending on the situation. From what I've gathered about the 3rd year.... it doesn't seem like my boyfriend would even have much time to spend with me if I did decide to defer my acceptance and live with him next year. We did live together for 3 months over the same, and though it wasn't all roses and rainbows, I was crying like a baby when I had to leave.

If anyone has any other suggestion or just personal advice, I would love to hear it. I feel like I'm 45 trapped in a 22 year old's body 🙁

 

[manta]

wow...you have so much going on. First, congratulations on getting accepted, and I hope the application process continues to go well for you. I'm sorry to hear about your mom, and will keep your family in my thoughts.

So, my husband is a second year resident, and I'm a fourth year student. He went to a top med school, and is now at a top residency. I had to struggle to get into med school at all, and am not the most competitive residency applicant. Every career step we take is carefully calculated (i.e., lots of discussion and the occasional argument), and so far, we've been lucky that it has worked out and we've only needed to spend 2 years apart (but oh, those two years were tough!). We've both have had to make significant sacrifices along the way. At times, I've felt guilty because of a perception that I was holding him back, resentful that I've had to follow him - I've had to do a lot of self-reflection and work through my own demons. I'm not trying to dissuade you, but you and he need to be on the same page as to whether or not your relationship is worth working hard for. We decided ours was, and I have no regrets about this decision.

Reading your post, I can think of a few options that may work. You could defer and get an MPH in either your home state or the state he's in. A MPH is generally easier in terms of course load (you would probably have time to fly somewhere else on weekends), and would help your application. Two things to keep in mind - check the MCAT expiration date for the schools you are interested in. And, I would also check with your pre-med adviser to see if turning down an acceptance, even under your circumstances, would be detrimental to any future application. Even if this puts you more behind in terms of medical training, if you can get to the point where he's applying for residency while you're applying to med school, you could possibly move together.

Of course, you could defer while you stay at home and work for a while. Long distance is tough, especially since you are going through a lot yourself and he'll be a 3rd year....but one day at a time, thank goodness for free night and weekend minutes, it'll pass. My husband was a third year while I was a first year, and I made the drive about once a month. I chose weekends based on his schedule, avoiding weekends that he was on call or working both Saturday and Sunday. We spent a lot of time studying together, which was much nicer that it sounds. Unfortunately, third year students do not have time to travel at all.

How far is your state school from home? I agree that it would probably be very, very difficult to have the emotional stamina to start med school and take care of your family at the same time. I would defer med school as long as you need to. As it's already been said, there are more important things.

There is always the possibility of transferring med schools after your second year. PM me if you want more info about this.

Hope that there is some sense in my random rambling. It sounds like you're a quintessential caregiver, which is probably what drew you to medicine. Be sure to take time to take care of yourself as well. Try to make a point to do things you enjoy, and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

 

[nightowl]

I am so sorry for this hard time you're going through. My heart goes out to you with all of these big decisions. 🙁 Just to tell you my story, I am a second year med student and I recently lost my younger brother unexpectedly, in December. Because it was the beginning of December, I literally had an entire month at home to be with my family. It was the only way I was strong enough to come back and face medical school. I could not have come back if I hadn't of had that month to mourn and be with family. I would have taken a leave of absence, and if I hadn't of been married and 18k in debt, I probably would have taken the year off. I did come back, but it's been hard staying focused, almost two months later.

My advice would be to take this time to be with your mom. Be with your brother and your father, and spend as much time as you can with your boyfriend too. If you have to defer, do it. Med school is not going anywhere, promise. It's a huge time and energy drain, and I would not wish it upon anyone with all of your present circumstances.

I think Matra's right too. You need to have some serious conversations with your boyfriend about the future. It seems like if you moved to the state he is, you could work for a year, gain in-state status and reapply. AND I think if you marry someone and move to their state, you automatically can be considered a "x state" citizen. It might vary state to state, but I had looked into that when I was dating someone out of state in college and applying to med school. I know instate is sometimes easier to get into.

And I just wanted to second everything Manta said. Really insightful post.

Hang in there and keep us updated.