Relationship issues with fiancé in residency

rancam15

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I have been with my fiancé for 6 years. He’s in his second year of gen surgery residency. I moved with him a couple of months ago and found out he has cheated not only once but throughout the whole relationship with different women. He blames it on the stress his career has caused him. Not only that but he has issues with alcohol and drugs. I left him. And now he makes me feel guilty. He says he needs me more than ever and that we need to work through this. But he needs professional help and with this career he doesn’t have time. I feel like he sees me as his solution to his problems. I feel so so bad for leaving him at a time like this when he needs me the most. But I keep thinking if I go back, not only do I have to put up with the stress of his career (being alone, far from family and friends) but also all the problems he’s bringing to the table. All of which I just found out about. Am I being selfish for leaving him when I know how hard residency can be?
 

HemeOncHopeful19

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I have been with my fiancé for 6 years. He’s in his second year of gen surgery residency. I moved with him a couple of months ago and found out he has cheated not only once but throughout the whole relationship with different women.
Leave this turdbucket.
 
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Dame_Maggie

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I have been with my fiancé for 6 years. He’s in his second year of gen surgery residency. I moved with him a couple of months ago and found out he has cheated not only once but throughout the whole relationship with different women. He blames it on the stress his career has caused him. Not only that but he has issues with alcohol and drugs. I left him. And now he makes me feel guilty. He says he needs me more than ever and that we need to work through this. But he needs professional help and with this career he doesn’t have time. I feel like he sees me as his solution to his problems. I feel so so bad for leaving him at a time like this when he needs me the most. But I keep thinking if I go back, not only do I have to put up with the stress of his career (being alone, far from family and friends) but also all the problems he’s bringing to the table. All of which I just found out about. Am I being selfish for leaving him when I know how hard residency can be?
Are you being selfish for leaving someone who has cheated on you several times throughout your 6 year relationship, and has issues with alcohol & drugs that he won't address? What would you tell your best friend or sister if she came to you with this exact scenario?

Leave now and don't look back. You're doing yourself a huge favor, he needs major help, but there's nothing you can do that will solve his problems.
 
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VA Hopeful Dr

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A single episode of cheating can, for some people, be forgiven and worked through. Multiple times means he doesn't actually care about you all that much.

Don't go back. Break off contact. Move on with your life.
 
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rancam15

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Are you being selfish for leaving someone who has cheated on you several times throughout your 6 year relationship, and has issues with alcohol & drugs that he won't address? What would you tell your best friend or sister if she came to you with this exact scenario?

Leave now and don't look back. You're doing yourself a huge favor, he needs major help, but there's nothing you can do that will solve his problems.
You are right. Thank you for your advice. I guess I just need the reassurance that leaving him was the best decision.
 

rancam15

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A single episode of cheating can, for some people, be forgiven and worked through. Multiple times means he doesn't actually care about you all that much.

Don't go back. Break off contact. Move on with your life.
Thank you for your advice. I agree, maybe if it was a one time thing, but it wasn’t.
 

jhmmd

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I have been with my fiancé for 6 years. He’s in his second year of gen surgery residency. I moved with him a couple of months ago and found out he has cheated not only once but throughout the whole relationship with different women. He blames it on the stress his career has caused him. Not only that but he has issues with alcohol and drugs. I left him. And now he makes me feel guilty. He says he needs me more than ever and that we need to work through this. But he needs professional help and with this career he doesn’t have time. I feel like he sees me as his solution to his problems. I feel so so bad for leaving him at a time like this when he needs me the most. But I keep thinking if I go back, not only do I have to put up with the stress of his career (being alone, far from family and friends) but also all the problems he’s bringing to the table. All of which I just found out about. Am I being selfish for leaving him when I know how hard residency can be?
Sounds like this is a situation in which you need to put yourself first. It also sounds like your relationship w/this guy isn't exactly healthy--if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. In a healthy relationship, both partners bring out the best in each other. You may want to reminisce about the good times and wonder what could have been, but it sounds like this person has made his decision. Actions speak louder than words so if he doesn't change, that's on him. You shouldn't blame yourself for someone else's problems.
 
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HemeOncHopeful19

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Sounds like this is a situation in which you need to put yourself first. It also sounds like your relationship w/this guy isn't exactly healthy--if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. In a healthy relationship, both partners bring out the best in each other. You may want to reminisce about the good times and wonder what could have been, but it sounds like this person has made his decision. Actions speak louder than words so if he doesn't change, that's on him. You shouldn't blame yourself for someone else's problems.
Agreed but that’s entirely too many words to say “ditch da turdbucket!”
 
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Drjc1977

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Sounds like this has become what is best for him, what you can do for him, but very little in return. If you take him back, I truly feel you will regret this. Time to move on before things worsens. All of this based on what you wrote is on him. He will continue the philandering, and the drugs. This is a real disaster that hasn't happened yet.
 

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No one knows who they are or what they want as a resident. Residents are large children. Relationships with residents are the real world equivalent of a high school BF.

Residency I see more as period of life you experiment with group sex and not plot a serious LTR.

Unlike the rest of folks here tho I am far wiser and more experienced than merely label this resident a "turdbucket" based on a 1-sided narrative.

I also dont consider "philandering" a thing when you are merely dating someone. Even if you are engaged, how many women hook up prior to the actual wedding day from bachelorette parties etc??

Answer: far more than you would imagine, trust me.

Residency is a time to get divorced, not engaged.

And some residencies programs are knee deep in serious drug culture, be it "performance enhancing" or merely homeostasis and anti-anxiety related.

Nothing you said phases me but I think you realize this is a coping relationship for him and not a LTR/life partner possibility given his current state.
 
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jhmmd

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No one knows who they are or what they want as a resident. Residents are large children. Relationships with residents are the real world equivalent of a high school BF.

Residency I see more as period of life you experiment with group sex and not plot a serious LTR.

Unlike the rest of folks here tho I am far wiser and more experienced than merely label this resident a "turdbucket" based on a 1-sided narrative.

I also dont consider "philandering" a thing when you are merely dating someone. Even if you are engaged, how many women hook up prior to the actual wedding day from bachelorette parties etc??

Answer: far more than you would imagine, trust me.

Residency is a time to get divorced, not engaged.

And some residencies programs are knee deep in serious drug culture, be it "performance enhancing" or merely homeostasis and anti-anxiety related.

Nothing you said phases me but I think you realize this is a coping relationship for him and not a LTR/life partner possibility given his current state.
@LADoc00 there is no such thing as a "coping relationship." Maybe you meant co-dependent?
 

HemeOncHopeful19

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Residency I see more as period of life you experiment with group sex and not plot a serious LTR.

Unlike the rest of folks here tho I am far wiser and more experienced than merely label this resident a "turdbucket" based on a 1-sided narrative.

I also dont consider "philandering" a thing when you are merely dating someone. Even if you are engaged, how many women hook up prior to the actual wedding day from bachelorette parties etc??
Wat

Sir please share more of your wisdom for us
 
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LADoc00

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@LADoc00 there is no such thing as a "coping relationship." Maybe you meant co-dependent?

yup co-dependent my bad.

And cant share more free wisdom HemeOnc because its normally behind a paywall:)
 

jhmmd

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yup co-dependent my bad.

And cant share more free wisdom HemeOnc because its normally behind a paywall:)
Oh I think you misunderstand; SDN is all about free wisdom! :laugh: :laugh:
 

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This guy is a dick. You should leave him. You might also want to consider reporting him to your state’s physician health program. They will figure out if his drug abuse is causing impairment that puts patients at risk and help him get the help that he needs.
 
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jhmmd

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This guy is a dick. You should leave him. You might also want to consider reporting him to your state’s physician health program. They will figure out if his drug abuse is causing impairment that puts patients at risk and help him get the help that he needs.
I have never heard of a physician health program but I have heard of the medical board
Right on
 

LADoc00

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Im gonna ask is this "drug problem" a case of this guy smoking weed in a state where its now legal? Assuming he doesnt wake and bake and then see 50 patients, I doubt anyone will care.

Also funny to see how many allegedly rational semi-intelligent posters jump to conclusions based on a one-sided narrative.

Oh wait, that's what our president just did with the border patrol so this should be no surprise I guess...sad though
 
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