Relationship advice- cardiologist fellow was cheating

[lalachasingbutterfly]

Hey everyone,

I am seeking relationship advice.

I have been dating a cardiologist fellow. We matched on bumble and have been seeing each other for the last 17mos. He was in 2nd year fellowship when we first met and is currently doing his program in my state. He is originally from another state. When we first started seeing each other, I was very clear with him about not wanting a "casual relationship". I had also inquired about if he was in a relationship of any kind or married or divorced or had kids. He had said no to all of this.
While we were together, we were seeing each other about every 2wks and I didn't find it weird because I thought perhaps I was accommodating to his very busy schedule. Because I am also in the medical field (not a physician), i knew that being in a fellow program isn't easy so I was trying to be this very understanding partner. But, after having dated him for 9mo, I stumbled on his social media and came across this woman's profile, who had picture with him in it. I hinted at this new finding and again asked him very clearly if he was in any relationship of any kind or even an open relationship. He had denied that. He shut off our conversation whenever I tried to discuss this woman's profile. He made it seem as though she was this crazy ex who perhaps maybe still holding on to him. It just never made sense to me why this woman had their picture together as profile picture. I tried to ignore this.
We grew closer as the months went by and he tried to see me every week. But, there was still a nagging feeling that was still there about this profile picture. So, I decided to send this woman a friend request. She recently accepted my instagram request and when I saw her pictures, it was flooded with their pictures. This woman is a pulmonary critical fellow in another state. He has previously told me that she was an ex and that they dated each other during their residency years. I learned from her instagram account that he has been seeing her all this time while he was with me and there are documented evidence as she had multiple pictures of him in my state as well as her state. This time around, I had the whole evidence in front of me and I confronted him about her again. In the beginning he denied this saying that there isn't anything between them. Then, later he acknowledged that he had been seeing her and has been trying to patch things with her. I was obviously heartbroken to learn that he has been hiding all these information. More than anything, I was disappointed by his lack of transparency between us. I had expressed to him that he had dragged me into their relationship if he was trying to patch things with her. He went onto say that they tried to match in the same state but in his words, they were "separated due to distance".
I honestly don't know if I can trust a single word from him as he has lied to me or kept information hidden from me all this time. He told me that he tried to tell me, but there is a huge difference between trying and actually being honest with someone. I asked him if that other woman knew about me and he said no. He apologized to me about his action and I told him that he owes this other woman an apology too. I have obviously broken things off with him. But, have told him that he needs to tell this other woman about me and our relationship before the holiday and it is best if this information comes from him. He went onto say that he wants time and will do it according to a time that he thinks is best fit. I no longer trust this man and I don't think he will actually tell her about us. Even if he does, he would more than likely paint me as some stalker and will probably take his sweet time, maybe another 17mo or a year.... who knows.
I do not know his relationship status with this other woman. All I know is that I can no longer trust him. As a woman, I feel that it is my moral duty to tell her about us and I wish to do this the day after Christmas, so that she can hopefully be surrounded by her loved ones and have a fresh new year start... with whatever decision she tries to choose. I would like second opinion from people who are in medical field and is unbiased. Any advice? thanks.

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[Crayola227]

I am glad that you have decided to have nothing more to do with this man, ever. Seriously, forget about him and never look back.

In med school I I did long distance for 4 years with my ex fiance, we were together about 7 years total, and I found out he had an affair with someone for at least 2 years, although he had cheated off and on the whole time.

All his friends knew, couples I thought we were friends with as I always visited and spent time with them. It wasn't until I discovered the truth on my own that people admitted to knowing the entire time.

Ironically this coincided with some of the couples finding out about cheating in their own relationships. I also found out one of his friends cheated on his wife. She was very religious and from what I could tell, not likely to ever leave her husband. Her knowing was not likely to lead her to testing for STDs, and she likely would just have to live with the knowledge within the relationship, and so I didn't see any point to hurting her with it. I considered her a friend and it was one of the more difficult choices I've ever made.

I say all this to say, it is best to be told ASAP in most situations, but the more you know about someone the easier it is to decide if this is best or not, timing, support network, etc. There are few situations, like the one I describe, where it may not be best to tell. Otherwise rule of thumb is it's best to be told. People can remain in denial anyway if they really want to. Couples can work through it and come out better if they want. But also people can make fully informed decisions and get out of toxicity. Rarely is any relationship with cheating going on really OK.

On the other hand, it seems like you mostly want to tell this woman to get back at your ex.

Insisting she be told the day after Christmas is honestly awful. Same with before the New Year. You don't know how devastated she will be. People commit suicide over this ****.

I found out right before my med school graduation and then the final break up was around Christmas. It is absolutely NOT easier to grapple with this news surrounded by all your friends and family in person. People need a little space to figure this stuff out and decide how/who to reach out to for support, and trying to put on a smiley face for relatives you don't want to confide in, is exquisite torture in this situation.

You should definitely wait until a bit after the New Year. Like maybe mid-January. There's never a good time, but some times are harder than others.

Be prepared for her not to believe you or to think that you've made your relationship with him out to be a whole lot more than what it was.

Just explain the situation and how you found out, and let her know that you are done with him and it isn't about revenge, but she deserves to have this information, and you wish her the best.

 

[Groove]

Hey everyone,

I am seeking relationship advice.

I have been dating a cardiologist fellow. We matched on bumble and have been seeing each other for the last 17mos. He was in 2nd year fellowship when we first met and is currently doing his program in my state. He is originally from another state. When we first started seeing each other, I was very clear with him about not wanting a "casual relationship". I had also inquired about if he was in a relationship of any kind or married or divorced or had kids. He had said no to all of this.
While we were together, we were seeing each other about every 2wks and I didn't find it weird because I thought perhaps I was accommodating to his very busy schedule. Because I am also in the medical field (not a physician), i knew that being in a fellow program isn't easy so I was trying to be this very understanding partner. But, after having dated him for 9mo, I stumbled on his social media and came across this woman's profile, who had picture with him in it. I hinted at this new finding and again asked him very clearly if he was in any relationship of any kind or even an open relationship. He had denied that. He shut off our conversation whenever I tried to discuss this woman's profile. He made it seem as though she was this crazy ex who perhaps maybe still holding on to him. It just never made sense to me why this woman had their picture together as profile picture. I tried to ignore this.
We grew closer as the months went by and he tried to see me every week. But, there was still a nagging feeling that was still there about this profile picture. So, I decided to send this woman a friend request. She recently accepted my instagram request and when I saw her pictures, it was flooded with their pictures. This woman is a pulmonary critical fellow in another state. He has previously told me that she was an ex and that they dated each other during their residency years. I learned from her instagram account that he has been seeing her all this time while he was with me and there are documented evidence as she had multiple pictures of him in my state as well as her state. This time around, I had the whole evidence in front of me and I confronted him about her again. In the beginning he denied this saying that there isn't anything between them. Then, later he acknowledged that he had been seeing her and has been trying to patch things with her. I was obviously heartbroken to learn that he has been hiding all these information. More than anything, I was disappointed by his lack of transparency between us. I had expressed to him that he had dragged me into their relationship if he was trying to patch things with her. He went onto say that they tried to match in the same state but in his words, they were "separated due to distance".
I honestly don't know if I can trust a single word from him as he has lied to me or kept information hidden from me all this time. He told me that he tried to tell me, but there is a huge difference between trying and actually being honest with someone. I asked him if that other woman knew about me and he said no. He apologized to me about his action and I told him that he owes this other woman an apology too. I have obviously broken things off with him. But, have told him that he needs to tell this other woman about me and our relationship before the holiday and it is best if this information comes from him. He went onto say that he wants time and will do it according to a time that he thinks is best fit. I no longer trust this man and I don't think he will actually tell her about us. Even if he does, he would more than likely paint me as some stalker and will probably take his sweet time, maybe another 17mo or a year.... who knows.
I do not know his relationship status with this other woman. All I know is that I can no longer trust him. As a woman, I feel that it is my moral duty to tell her about us and I wish to do this the day after Christmas, so that she can hopefully be surrounded by her loved ones and have a fresh new year start... with whatever decision she tries to choose. I would like second opinion from people who are in medical field and is unbiased. Any advice? thanks.

I'm sorry that you've had such a bad experience with this fellow. I'd advise you to just exit the relationship gracefully. If the cardiology fellow is halfway decent looking, I can tell you that nurses, residents, ancillary staff, etc.. are basically throwing themselves at him on probably an almost daily basis. There are many women in academic hospitals that make it their goal to "bag a doctor" and prey on the residents and fellows. That's just the God honest truth for right or for wrong. If you don't have a rock solid, stable relationship based on mutual trust, you can't hope to thrive in a relationship where the two of you only see each other every couple of weeks. It's difficult to nurture a relationship during residency/fellowship due to the enormous demands placed on the physician and it sounds like this guy is not particularly committed to you. No, I don't think you should try to sabotage his relationship with the other woman by contacting her on social media, but that's just me. I've always thought that sort of "revenge" is petty behavior. Better to just cut the cord between you two, move on with your life and find someone that can appreciate you. My 2 cents but I'm no relationship expert.