*~*<3*~*!!**ILUVFUZYPOODLES*~*~*~!!eleven*~*
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The flies are a truly artistic touch, but why does the horse have a saddle but no bridle on? Did the horse break its bridle to cause this kind of abuse? 😛
*EvEnTuAl_eVeNtEr*
*I 😍 WiLliAm*
*eVenTiNg PrIncEz*
*I tYpE lIk a SpaZtiG MuNkEy*
*EvEnTuAl_eVeNtEr*
*I 😍 WiLliAm*
*eVenTiNg PrIncEz*
*I tYpE lIk a SpaZtiG MuNkEy*
at first i thought it was bovine abuse.
WiVet, if short on humor material, we can always invoke the joke about the CAT scan and Lab tests. 
This will require several dozen people to all come on here and post almost the same thing:
LMAO 😆
LOL
This will require several dozen people to all come on here and post almost the same thing:LMAO 😆
LOL
WiVet, if short on humor material, we can always invoke the joke about the CAT scan and Lab tests.
LMAO 😆
LOL
😕 Can't remember that one at the moment. Right now all I can think of are lame Chemistry jokes...what do you do when a chemist dies...BARIUM! Sorry, all my friends are chem majors!
Maybe the pre-allo people have some more bad jokes we can use... that's where I got the first one!!
One molecule walked into a bar, looking forlorn. Another molecule asks him, whats wrong? He replied I lost an electron 🙁 The second molecule asked Are ya sure? He answered Yeah, I'm positive.
The secondary definition for cation is: a positively charged kitten.
Name the following compound:
Bunny-0-Bunny
= The Ether Bunny.
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.
The secondary definition for cation is: a positively charged kitten.
Name the following compound:
Bunny-0-Bunny
= The Ether Bunny.
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.
So a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm just a fun guy!"
and my favorite bio pick up line:
If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes.
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm just a fun guy!"
and my favorite bio pick up line:
If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet. The Vet takes one look at the dog and says, "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"No. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin..
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says, "Meow." .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead." .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion.".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking, "Woof roof woof!" .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars." .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]" to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin. .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars...".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down, says "gimme a beer." He drinks it, downs another one, then asks for his tab, whereupon the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down, says "gimme a beer." He drinks it, downs another one, then asks for his tab, whereupon the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here"
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif](sorry, my dad's an entomologist)
.
..
What does benzene say when it loses its aromaticity?
I'm DIENE!!!
👎
I'm DIENE!!!
👎
Why did a parrot carry around an umbrella??
He wanted to remain polyunsaturated.
Bad, I know.
He wanted to remain polyunsaturated.
Bad, I know.
so bad its fantastic!
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The saddest part of that joke is i find myself thinking "but water won't hydrogenate the bond!"
Yeh, I was thinking 🤣 and :lmao: could both be interesting in the hands of a creative smiley-designer, but they don't seem to have those either.
and my favorite....
Allright - one more bad science joke.
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
1. - Go to www.google.com.
2. - Click on "maps".
3. - Click on "get directions" on top.
4. - Type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box).
5. - Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box).
6. - Click "get directions".
7. - Scroll down to step #23.
8. - Now laugh.
Sorry for the length... for us computer geeks...
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the
plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on
again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act
exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently
but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just
shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage
check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the
air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes
out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air
You turn up at the airport, which is under contract to only allow XP Air
planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as
big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way.
Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat
insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and
replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you
as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not
take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment
promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and
over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal
or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the
toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what
destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in
Canada.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own
airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a
copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very
comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem,
the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what
with the seat?"
2. - Click on "maps".
3. - Click on "get directions" on top.
4. - Type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box).
5. - Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box).
6. - Click "get directions".
7. - Scroll down to step #23.
8. - Now laugh.
Sorry for the length... for us computer geeks...
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the
plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on
again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act
exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently
but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just
shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage
check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the
air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes
out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air
You turn up at the airport, which is under contract to only allow XP Air
planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as
big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way.
Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat
insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and
replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you
as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not
take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment
promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and
over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal
or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the
toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what
destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in
Canada.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own
airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a
copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very
comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem,
the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what
with the seat?"
1. - Go to www.google.com.
2. - Click on "maps".
3. - Click on "get directions" on top.
4. - Type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box).
5. - Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box).
6. - Click "get directions".
7. - Scroll down to step #23.
8. - Now laugh.
That just made my day!!
😆 
It also works between New York and Madrid. It didn't tell me to swim across the Pacific to go from LA to Sydney or Honolulu. Just figured I'd try.
That just made my day!!
1. - Go to www.google.com.
2. - Click on "maps".
3. - Click on "get directions" on top.
4. - Type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box).
5. - Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box).
6. - Click "get directions".
7. - Scroll down to step #23.
8. - Now laugh.
Hilarious! Just the pick up I needed today
😆 The first time I got this e-mail, in 1996, it still included OS/2, and Windows XP didn't exist yet...
PET RULES - To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Finally, the definitive answers to the burning question: "Why did the
> > > chicken cross the road?" Some old versions mixed in with recent
> > > perspectives.
> > >
> > > GEORGE W. BUSH
> > > We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
> > > know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
> > > either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
> > >
> > > AL GORE
> > > I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
> > > crossing the road represented the application of these two different
> > > functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
> > > greater services to the American people.
> > >
> > > COLIN POWELL
> > > Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the
> > > chicken crossing the road.
> > >
> > > SADDAM HUSSEIN
> > > This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
> > > dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> > >
> > > RALPH NADER
> > > The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
> > > by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
> > > habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
> > > of a gas-guzzling SUV.
> > >
> > > PAT BUCHANAN
> > > To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
> > >
> > > RUSH LIMBAUGH
> > > I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
> > > getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
> > > there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
> > > crossing-the-road
> > > syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
> > > take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
> > > say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
> > > from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
> > >
> > > MARTHA STEWART
> > > No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
> > > standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
> > > dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
> >information.
> > >
> > > DR. SEUSS
> > > Did the chicken cross the road?
> > > Did he cross it with a toad?
> > > Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
> > > But why it crossed, I've not been told!
> > >
> > > ERNEST HEMINGWAY
> > > To die. In the rain. Alone.
> > >
> > > GRANDPA
> > > In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
> > > that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
> > >
> > > BARBARA WALTERS
> > > Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
> > > chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
> > > experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
> > > life-long dream of crossing the road.
> > >
> > > JOHN LENNON
> > > Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
> > >
> > > ARISTOTLE
> > > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> > >
> > > KARL MARX
> > > It was a historical inevitability.
> > >
> > > VOLTAIRE
> > > I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
> > > its right to do it.
> > >
> > > RONALD REAGAN
> > > What chicken?
> > >
> > > CAPTAIN KIRK
> > > To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> > >
> > > FOX MULDER
> > > You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
> > > to cross before you believe it?
> > >
> > > SIGMUND FREUD
> > > The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
> > > reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> > >
> > > BILL GATES
> > > I have just released eChicken 2007, which will not only cross roads, but
> > > will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
> > > checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.
> > >
> > > ALBERT EINSTEIN
> > > Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
> > > chicken?
> > >
> > > BILL CLINTON
> > > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
> > > Could you define chicken, please?
> > >
> > > COLONEL SANDERS
> > > I missed one?
Sorry for the "> > >"...couldnt be bothered to edit them out
> > > chicken cross the road?" Some old versions mixed in with recent
> > > perspectives.
> > >
> > > GEORGE W. BUSH
> > > We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
> > > know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
> > > either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
> > >
> > > AL GORE
> > > I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
> > > crossing the road represented the application of these two different
> > > functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
> > > greater services to the American people.
> > >
> > > COLIN POWELL
> > > Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the
> > > chicken crossing the road.
> > >
> > > SADDAM HUSSEIN
> > > This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
> > > dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> > >
> > > RALPH NADER
> > > The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
> > > by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
> > > habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
> > > of a gas-guzzling SUV.
> > >
> > > PAT BUCHANAN
> > > To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
> > >
> > > RUSH LIMBAUGH
> > > I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
> > > getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
> > > there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
> > > crossing-the-road
> > > syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
> > > take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
> > > say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
> > > from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
> > >
> > > MARTHA STEWART
> > > No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
> > > standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
> > > dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
> >information.
> > >
> > > DR. SEUSS
> > > Did the chicken cross the road?
> > > Did he cross it with a toad?
> > > Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
> > > But why it crossed, I've not been told!
> > >
> > > ERNEST HEMINGWAY
> > > To die. In the rain. Alone.
> > >
> > > GRANDPA
> > > In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
> > > that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
> > >
> > > BARBARA WALTERS
> > > Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
> > > chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
> > > experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
> > > life-long dream of crossing the road.
> > >
> > > JOHN LENNON
> > > Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
> > >
> > > ARISTOTLE
> > > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> > >
> > > KARL MARX
> > > It was a historical inevitability.
> > >
> > > VOLTAIRE
> > > I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
> > > its right to do it.
> > >
> > > RONALD REAGAN
> > > What chicken?
> > >
> > > CAPTAIN KIRK
> > > To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> > >
> > > FOX MULDER
> > > You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
> > > to cross before you believe it?
> > >
> > > SIGMUND FREUD
> > > The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
> > > reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> > >
> > > BILL GATES
> > > I have just released eChicken 2007, which will not only cross roads, but
> > > will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
> > > checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.
> > >
> > > ALBERT EINSTEIN
> > > Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
> > > chicken?
> > >
> > > BILL CLINTON
> > > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
> > > Could you define chicken, please?
> > >
> > > COLONEL SANDERS
> > > I missed one?
Sorry for the "> > >"...couldnt be bothered to edit them out
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: If
GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times a fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperatures, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This car has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: If
GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times a fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperatures, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This car has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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One of my personal favorites, just to prove how laaaaaame I am:
Three vampire bats walk (fly??) into a bar. Bartender asks "What'll it be?"
First bat says, "I'll have a blood"
Second bat says, "Yeah, me too"
Third bat says, "Eh, I'll just have a plasma"
Bartender says, "Ok, so thats two bloods and a blood-light"
Three vampire bats walk (fly??) into a bar. Bartender asks "What'll it be?"
First bat says, "I'll have a blood"
Second bat says, "Yeah, me too"
Third bat says, "Eh, I'll just have a plasma"
Bartender says, "Ok, so thats two bloods and a blood-light"
So I had this dream that thugs were trying to euthanize me. There was a struggle as I was running out of this skyscraper into a parking garage the thug managed to sink the syringe into my wrist, but not the vein, so I said, "Haha, you didn't get it in my vein," as I kicked him out of my car while it was rolling.
When I told my co-worker about this dream, she had one question: "The pink juice or the blue juice?"
and just of good measure
When I told my co-worker about this dream, she had one question: "The pink juice or the blue juice?"
and just of good measure 
WIT AND WISDOM OF LARRY (THE CABLE GUY)
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
i have a brother who is obsessed with these facts (we even have a list on my parent's fridge at home!)
is of chuck norris reading the chuck norris facts, and it is hilarious
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
is of chuck norris reading the chuck norris facts, and it is hilarious
