Any working parents with med school spouses out there?

[MJNF]

Hi all-I've joined in an attempt to find some people who are working moms/dads that also have med school husbands/wives. I need some advice! My husband is in his third year of med school and we have a little boy who turns 1 this week. We're going to have another little one next May--so I'm stressed! I work full-time and with my husband now being in his rotations (just finished surg, now on OB/GYN), things have really been weighing on me. I'm not really getting validation from anyone right now, which is tough--when I vent about to people about it being hard to work all day and then come home and have to take care of our son and the house, I get one of two responses: the first is to tell me that my husband has it even worse because he's in school. The second, which annoys me even more, is when people tell me to hang in there because my husband will be making 'good money' one day. Argh! I would much rather continue being dirt poor if it meant I could see my husband more than a few hours a week! I'm just wondering what other people have done to even the load or relieve stress. Do I need to use a babysitter more? Ask people for help? What has worked for people? I know that I can't be resentful of my husband because he would be here if he could, but it's still tough. Help!

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[alison_in_oh]

Hi all-I've joined in an attempt to find some people who are working moms/dads that also have med school husbands/wives.

You need http://medicalspouse.com/forums !

 

[k's mom]

I wish you lots of luck! I know how hard it can be (we were in the exact same situation when my husband was finishing premed/working full-time.) Definitely ASK FOR HELP (weekly maid service is cheaper than you may think!), check medicalspouse, and you might even find some information on mommd.com, since those doctors are obviously "working" mothers as well. One caveat I would like to add, as someone who VERY reluctantly became a stay-at-home mom two years ago (although I work part-time outside of the house evenings), you may want to take a good look at your situation because two will be harder than one (no kidding, right?..I'm expecting #3 in May) and while 4th year will be easier on you and the family as a whole, intern year will be no piece of cake. After I found myself unemployed when #2 was on the way (during MS1) we realized, financially, how much better off we were with me "staying home". You know how much childcare costs (for those who don't, try $1,200/mo+ for two kids....), we qualify for no-cost health insurance from the state, by working part-time we also qualify for the earned-income credit, and when my husband starts intern year, according to current federal loan guidelines, we will NOT qualify for an economic hardship deferment if I work (That means $3,000+ to HIS loans every month!!!!) Just to be realistic though, "staying at home" does not mean your husband will be able to help more, and unless you work to create and maintain friendships with other SAHM's and D's, life can be very, very lonely. thankfully, I have found all the support I need (and more!) from the other medical spouses (moms and dads) who "stay home" with their kids. We also look at MS4 as our last real chance to be spontaneous as a family. We plan to travel with my husband to at least a handful of his interviews and take an extended familytrip in April after the match. As a former teacher, I can't even imagine trying to schedule this if I were still in the classroom. If you will need to "start over" with a job hunt when your family moves for residency, you may consider leaving your current job early.
Ok, I know, I know, I HATE it when people throw out unsolicited advice, but I can't help myself...good luck!!!!! (When is your baby due?)

 

[MJNF]

Thanks for the replies--my husband and I are toying with the idea of me staying home for awhile once he starts intern year, but I guess I need enough people to tell me that it's "ok". Our new baby is due in May, so we've even thought about me not going back after maternity leave--however, it's scary to think of us just on loans for year 4! We'll see how it goes...

 

[k's mom]

Thanks for the replies--my husband and I are toying with the idea of me staying home for awhile once he starts intern year, but I guess I need enough people to tell me that it's "ok". Our new baby is due in May, so we've even thought about me not going back after maternity leave--however, it's scary to think of us just on loans for year 4! We'll see how it goes...

Well, I for one tell you that it is ok. (I had to fight with my own psyche, my mother, mother-in-law, and all of my working friends -who all thought I was CRAZY- to decide it is okay for me, so I've beenthere!) Believe me, compared to all ofthe other medical students with families that I know out there, living for one year on loans is nothing.....even though I work part-time, all of our "excess" income goes to consumer debt so that after graduation all we will have is my husband's loans to contend with. No small feat (we are paying out-of state tuition!!), but you have to keep it in perspective......our "living expenses" financial aid is approx. $15,000/year...next to the $36,000/yr we pay for tuition, that is nothing. Besides, I took out $20,000 in student loans to get my master's degree to teach (a job that, at least in Arizona when I started, paid little more than that per year!)...we will have $200,000 in loans when my husband is done, for a job which will pay approx. $200,000/year to start. PERSPECTIVE. If it helps, there are MANY families here (with more than one child) who make it on financial aid alone...NO extra income. It is tough on approx. $15,000/year, but I've seen it done. Also, while I was working fulltime, I used to get angry at people/magazine articles/etc.. that told me I could afford to stay home...I never really appreciated how expensive having a child in daycare really was. We lost SO MUCH MONEY to "sick" days!!!!! There is also the time factor to consider...With a child approaching Kindergarten next year, I can attest to the fact that the next five years will go VERY quickly. Sacrifice now may be more worthwhile than playing it financially "safe" and waiting until later.
Something else to consider, for next year at least, is to look into a nanny. It will cost you the same as two children in full-time childcare, but you will have much less morning rush/afternoon meltdown stress. You can keep your children on their own schedule, don't have to worry about packing diaperbags/waking up the baby in the morning, plus you will get some light housekeeping and possibly even dinner started for you inthe evening.
Good luck!

 

[MRAM]

I was in your spot this time last year. I am a mother of twin 14 month old boys and my husband is a first year med student. I am a stay at home mom this year. Last year I was working with both my boys in childcare ($1600.00) a month. I was exhausted, we were all always sick and the quality of all of our lives (mine especially) was very poor. I was scared silly about staying home while my husband was in med school because I was afraid we wouldn't have enough money and I didn't see how it would work. Well....it works and it works very well....better than I ever would have imagined. Look at what you are really "clearing" by working and think about the money for gas, lunch, clothes, etc that you need to do that. Since we are living off of tuition loans only we qualify for health, food benefits, and some housing expenses. The down side is we expect to have very large loans to repay ( but you guys are further along than we are) Also if I were working I would be paying more than 2/3 of my salary to childcare so instead of that we are just taking out larger loans for me to stay home......then when the boys are older and in school I can help pay back the loans ( I justify this as paying myself down the road for the work I'm doing now instead of paying a stranger....weird but makes sense to me) I completely identified with what you were saying in your post about carrying so much on your shoulders. We started having a date night which helped us--we were actually able to have a few hours a wk to communicate and to have some "couple" time. I choose what we do and I choose things that "I" want to do--this is kind of my reward to myself with my husband for working around his schedule all week. He has fun because he doesn't have to plan anything. Also, I find this website helpful to read when I'm feeling frustrated---I read it and it helps me to know there are others out there going through this. Generally most people DON'T understand the sacrifices that the family is making (especially the spouse) so I like to read others stories here---that seems to help. Good luck!

 

[Baditude]

I have a slightly different situation than most of you. My husband and children are in a different state than I am. I am attending school away from the entire family( including my parents etc). My husband for the first time in our 19 year relationship is handling everything. He still works 50 hours a week and manages with the help of my parents to maintain our 2 childrens schedules while I am away. Before leaving for medical school I was a stay at home Mom and attended undergrad school while managing the household.This situation most likely would not work for most people but we decided that it was better for our kids to stay in the school system they were in than to pull them out and start them somewhere else for 2 years than move again and so on. It is hard to be seperated but instant messenger and web cam's help. We try to visit as often as possible but that is hard to work around schedules too. We know in the long run we will be better off for doing things this way but some days it is hard for both of us. I give my husband credit for any successes I have for without him none of this would be possible me believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself and I can't wait to be able to tell him to retire early and let me take care of him for a change.