Moving in with SO but have super religious parents

[necfasc4brekfast]

I've been dating my SO for the past 4-5 years and we've decided to live with each other when I start medical school this summer. We are both ready for engagement/marriage but have no money for a ceremony at this time (important to us). It makes financial sense for us to live together and we've both wanted to for a while. I will also be financially independent from my family starting this summer.

The problem is, I come from a very religious family (parents and extended family all go to the same church and believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible) and I currently live at home. I'm not really religious anymore but I've been 'faking it' around my family for the past few years. I go to church from time to time to keep my folks happy and off my back. My family has voiced their opposition to cohabitation multiple times in the past and pretty much believe it's "a sin against God that will not go unpunished" and "disgusting".

I would love any advice as to how to approach this conversation with my parents. I'm worried this decision is going to affect my relationship with my parents/family. I'm worried that they will look at me differently and that holidays will be weird.

Thanks for the help.

**Disclaimer--not trying to bash anyone's beliefs**

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[965978]

Tell you parents it’s your life, not theirs. They’ll be mad for a few weeks but they’ll accept your decision afterwards.

Just don’t be disrespectful and don’t lie. But stand your ground. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with living with someone just cause you’re not married.

 

[necfasc4brekfast]

Tell you parents it’s your life, not theirs. They’ll be mad for a few weeks but they’ll accept your decision afterwards.

Just don’t be disrespectful and don’t lie. But stand your ground. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with living with someone just cause you’re not married.

Thanks for your response. I'm typically not a very anxious person but I have stressed myself out thinking of all the bad ways this conversation could go.

 

[jamaica jan sun princess]

This kind of seems like a Dear Libby question and not really premed related.

But since you mentioned being ready for engagement/marriage, it's ~$100 for a marriage certificate and courthouse ceremony.

 

[965978]

But since you mentioned being ready for engagement/marriage, it's ~$100 for a marriage certificate and courthouse ceremony.

OP shouldn’t have to settle for less than her dream ceremony just to appease her parents.

 

[theKingLT]

Tell them he/she is marriage material but you don't have the money, and if they have a problem with that, they can either shell out the cash for a ceremony or let you live your life

 

[965978]

Tell them he/she is marriage material but you don't have the money, and if they have a problem with that, they can either shell out the cash for a ceremony or let you live your life

I clicked “like” so fast my thumb twitched

 

[jamaica jan sun princess]

OP shouldn’t have to settle for less than her dream ceremony just to appease her parents.

True. I agree with your first post. After having had a courthouse ceremony and subsequent wedding, I'd choose the former if I had to do it again.

 

[Goro]

I've been dating my SO for the past 4-5 years and we've decided to live with each other when I start medical school this summer. We are both ready for engagement/marriage but have no money for a ceremony at this time (important to us). It makes financial sense for us to live together and we've both wanted to for a while. I will also be financially independent from my family starting this summer.

The problem is, I come from a very religious family (parents and extended family all go to the same church and believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible) and I currently live at home. I'm not really religious anymore but I've been 'faking it' around my family for the past few years. I go to church from time to time to keep my folks happy and off my back. My family has voiced their opposition to cohabitation multiple times in the past and pretty much believe it's "a sin against God that will not go unpunished" and "disgusting".

I would love any advice as to how to approach this conversation with my parents. I'm worried this decision is going to affect my relationship with my parents/family. I'm worried that they will look at me differently and that holidays will be weird.

Thanks for the help.

**Disclaimer--not trying to bash anyone's beliefs**

Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren

In the worst case scenario, you move in with your SO, and your parents go "What child? I have no child!!! My child is dead!!!" Followed by rending of garments.

Can you live with that? because it's their choice, not yours. You could also point out that it's God who does the judging, not them.

 

[necfasc4brekfast]

This kind of seems like a Dear Libby question and not really premed related.

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post, the anonymity and user demographic of SDN drew me here.

 

[965978]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post, the anonymity and user demographic of SDN drew me here.

Don’t worry. About half of what is discussed on here only vaguely relates to medicine or pre med LOL

 

[necfasc4brekfast]

"What child? I have no child!!! My child is dead!!!" Followed by rending of garments.

Yeah, that's my concern haha. I suppose I've already decided I can deal with that as horrible as it would be

it's their choice, not yours

True, I will remind myself of that

You could also point out that it's God who does the judging, not them.

I agree, it's just hard to argue with people who are convinced they are right and couldn't possibly be wrong.

 

[965978]

I agree, it's just hard to argue with people who are convinced they are right and couldn't possibly be wrong.

Have fun in medicine

 

[necfasc4brekfast]

Have fun in medicine

@ the anti-vaxers

 

[aymar]

One of my classmates has lived with his girlfriend for the past few years and still has her leave for the weekend/hide her stuff every time his parents visit. Not suggesting that as a viable option though

 

[965978]

One of my classmates has lived with his girlfriend for the past few years and still has her leave for the weekend/hide her stuff every time his parents visit. Not suggesting that as a viable option though

How is she attracted to a guy in his mid-20’s who is scared from his parents?

 

[DrFortiusNatando]

You can always get married now (on paper, with a justice of the peace) and then have a big religious/cultural ceremony (if you ever want that) in a year or two. I will say that I did not have a big formal wedding ceremony and I never regretted it. I took the money I would have spent and used it to pay off my loans, etc.

I know plenty of young people who have done this in similar situations - get married quietly and then have the service a year or two later.
Especially if you are just about to start medical school, people will understand why you do not want to have a big ceremony now.

You will save a lot of money if you live together now. And you will be able to support each other in the most difficult of times. Seems like a no-brainer even. if you decide not to get officially married now.

 

[Weirdy]

Don't know why I'm typing this but here goes.

Got married right before school started.
Met her at church, dated for 6 years, parents knew each other, same religion and ethnicity yada yada yada. Perfect right? ---Nope.

Mom would make snide comments here and there during wedding prep when things didn't go her way. Very controlling. Full blown arguments every night.
Uncles and aunts (majority of whom were physicans) said we'd end up divorced. Things like "she is a noose around your neck", you will fail out of school, she will take all your money and leave you after you graduate.

Really horrible, nasty things. I kind of laugh at it now.

Finishing 2nd year and its been amazing. Better than I could have ever imagined. Granted school is very far away from home, but honestly it made it even better.

Sometimes we'll come home for holidays and I can't help but feel super smug about it. Just us being happy together, going on trips together, being able to pass class.......living life to the fullest was and is still the biggest proverbial middle finger I could give them. And I don't even have to be mad at them for them to see that giant "F*** YOU". By now they probably don't even remember, but I certainly do.

Point being: This doesn't end after you get married. Your parents are always going to have something they will nitpick on. So why tiptoe around egg shells?

What matters is how much you two love each other and are willing to give, even after both of you think you've given everything you possibly can.
Living together has its own challenges. Married life has its own challenges. But the only people directly affected are you and your trusty partner.

Do what's best for both of you.

 

[907914]

OP shouldn’t have to settle for less than her dream ceremony just to appease her parents.

Gonna throw in my 2¢ on this notion: I started dating my wife, we moved in together within a month, I proposed in the 3rd month. We got the marriage license that week and said “sometime in the next 90 days we will get married!” About a month later we were just sitting at home watching Netflix and I looked over and asked “Wanna get married?” “Sure!” We called a couple judges, found one that would meet us at the courthouse in an hour and a half, called a couple people who may want to come, got married and went to go get Chinese food. Whole thing cost about $150, Chinese food included (outside of the ring, OFC). Been married just shy of 5 years and going strong. Stressing out over perfection is not productive IMHO.

 

[Pharaoh95]

This is hardly a post for SDN but I'll help. One simple question: What are YOUR beliefs and values? Consider that and you will find your answer.

 

[Dr. Basketball]

You can always get married now (on paper, with a justice of the peace) and then have a big religious/cultural ceremony (if you ever want that) in a year or two. I will say that I did not have a big formal wedding ceremony and I never regretted it. I took the money I would have spent and used it to pay off my loans, etc.

I know plenty of young people who have done this in similar situations - get married quietly and then have the service a year or two later.
Especially if you are just about to start medical school, people will understand why you do not want to have a big ceremony now.

You will save a lot of money if you live together now. And you will be able to support each other in the most difficult of times. Seems like a no-brainer even. if you decide not to get officially married now.

^This. It seems like the most reasonable solution. You love your parents and don't want there to be tension, but also want to go your own way. This way, you avoid tension(since you will have plenty in med school) and get to still have the wedding of your dreams IMO.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[ChasingMD07]

If you value your family and need them as a support system for now and forever more (when you have children), I would not suggest you be defiant. Sometimes older is wiser. The choice is yours on who to marry and when to marry. But as a family, sometimes we have to make compromises. Your family is religious, that coupled with the other what ifs with living together unmarried, I would agree with many people on this thread that a court house, or a private wedding with an officiate would suffice until you can afford an inclusive ceremony. At either one of those, you can invite your parents, siblings and in-laws for a neat <$200 price tag.

 

[965978]

You could also point out that it's God who does the judging, not them.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but for some reason you always struck me as an atheist.

 

[Goro]

Please don’t take this the wrong way but for some reason you always struck me as an atheist.

I don't feel it scientific to be an atheist, so I consider myself extremely secular

 

[deleted967981]

Gonna throw in my 2¢ on this notion: I started dating my wife, we moved in together within a month, I proposed in the 3rd month. We got the marriage license that week and said “sometime in the next 90 days we will get married!” About a month later we were just sitting at home watching Netflix and I looked over and asked “Wanna get married?” “Sure!” We called a couple judges, found one that would meet us at the courthouse in an hour and a half, called a couple people who may want to come, got married and went to go get Chinese food. Whole thing cost about $150, Chinese food included (outside of the ring, OFC). Been married just shy of 5 years and going strong. Stressing out over perfection is not productive IMHO.

I like this. We spent just over $1,000 on our wedding, and it was everything I wanted, and I put it together in 100 days from the date of our engagement. We've been together over 20 years. We couldn't afford an expensive honeymoon so we drove to a local lake and stayed there for the weekend. In the years when our financial status has allowed, we've taken more lavish vacations to exotic locales, with more planned once I finish medical school. We've also had times when we couldn't afford to go to a $1 movie theater, so we checked movies out at the local library and watched them at home. If you're ready, don't let the money stand in the way of a wedding. The effort you put into the marriage is what matters.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Moved this to the lounge since it had nothing to do with medicine or pre-med. But as a Christian who is very spiritual (and does not believe in a literal interpretation of creation), it always saddens me when I see other Believers treating people this way.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

Moved this to the lounge since it had nothing to do with medicine or pre-med. But as a Christian who is very spiritual (and does not believe in a literal interpretation of creation), it always saddens me when I see other Believers treating people this way.

Isn't there a Spouses and Partners forum this would be perfect for?

Yes, yes there is: Spouses and Partners

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Isn't there a Spouses and Partners forum this would be perfect for?

Yes, yes there is: Spouses and Partners

There is, but it doesn’t get very much traffic, and I didn’t want to kill the advice OP was getting by moving it to a forum not many people view. But your snark is appreciated.

 

[Roxas]

If it doesn't involve dicks or depression then it has no place in the lounge.

 

[jdh71]

For religious reasons I also find cohabitation incorrect. And I’d be disappointed to see my sons do it. Though it’s all very complicated and I did pretty much live with my wife prior to us getting married. Or did she live with me? Mostly lived with my GF before her. Though I guess I never went full total live in situation. It seems like there isn’t some kind of answer here that will give OP the two outcomes they want - live with SO *and* parents fine with it. Learning to set realistic expectations and understanding realistic cause and effect is an important life lesson. OP needs to make the best decision they can and let the chips fall where they may. Easier said than done. But the only way to relieve the psychic tension is to lance the psychic boil. You can only keep your side of the street clean and you can have no expectations about other people, places, or situations.

 

[jdh71]

If it doesn't involve dicks or depression then it has no place in the lounge.

If anyone has evidence of the clitorus we would welcome this conspiracy theory.

 

[Trilt]

My family is quite religious and there were definitely some words said when my partner and I moved in together. They got over it.

I personally (coming from a non religious perspective) strongly recommend against marrying anyone you haven't lived with for at least a year or two. You learn a lot about them and your relationship during that time.

 

[Lawpy]

There is, but it doesn’t get very much traffic, and I didn’t want to kill the advice OP was getting by moving it to a forum not many people view. But your snark is appreciated.

But i think moving this thread to that forum would help increase traffic there. I’m not sure Loungers will find much or any benefit with this thread and OP will likely get locked out due to not meeting the Lounge forum requirements to see their thread. Just my $0.02

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Fine, y'all win.

 

[deleted480308]

It’s going to be hard for them. No, they won’t be ok with it.

You have to decide if you wanting to live together is worth that to you because no, you don’t have to live together.

Pick a direction and own it

 

[Peter Pan.]

I've been dating my SO for the past 4-5 years and we've decided to live with each other when I start medical school this summer. We are both ready for engagement/marriage but have no money for a ceremony at this time (important to us). It makes financial sense for us to live together and we've both wanted to for a while. I will also be financially independent from my family starting this summer.

The problem is, I come from a very religious family (parents and extended family all go to the same church and believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible) and I currently live at home. I'm not really religious anymore but I've been 'faking it' around my family for the past few years. I go to church from time to time to keep my folks happy and off my back. My family has voiced their opposition to cohabitation multiple times in the past and pretty much believe it's "a sin against God that will not go unpunished" and "disgusting".

I would love any advice as to how to approach this conversation with my parents. I'm worried this decision is going to affect my relationship with my parents/family. I'm worried that they will look at me differently and that holidays will be weird.

Thanks for the help.

**Disclaimer--not trying to bash anyone's beliefs**

I’m also from a religious family. I only go to church to make my parents happy. My family would shun me if I didn’t keep going. They would say I’m ungrateful and not living a good life. Also my uncles, aunts, grandparents, siblings, etc. Some people say tell your parents and live your own life but they don’t understand how religious some families can be. You won’t be apart of the family or at best it won’t be the same anymore. I love my family and want us to be at peace. I want to make them happy and us all to be a family. Nothing else I can do. They still don’t know I’m not a virgin. And when the time comes to start living with someone idk what I’m going to do. And then having my spouse go to church is a whole other story. lol I know the feeling.

 

[Peter Pan.]

How is she attracted to a guy in his mid-20’s who is scared from his parents?

Love will make you do and put up with so many things.

 

[Laradd]

They'll understand for sure. Especially, its your happiness - they'll support it