Anybody experienced a painful bf or gf breakup during undergrad?

[spicykimchi]

I was wondering if this has happened to anybody and how you prevented a negative impact on your performance? How did you keep functioning?

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[SocialStigma]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years (started dating in grade 11 - high school sweethearts blah blah) between 2nd and 3rd year of undergrad. Luckily it happened in the summer (June) so I had some time to pull myself together before school started. Unfortunately, my MCAT was on July 16th.

Basically I just kept telling myself that getting into vet school was more important (the exact words I told myself were "I loved him for 4 years but I've loved the idea of being a vet since I was 8" lol). I probably didn't do as well as I could have on the MCAT since the first couple weeks after that I was still kind of in shock/numb. I went on a lot of runs to clear my head and always tried to keep things in perspective - we may have broken up but life goes on, I wanted to go to vet school before him and I still wanted it after him so I couldn't let the breakup ruin my chances of that.

Once school started it was actually a lot easier to forget about the breakup and focus on school since we go to different universities and were LD during the school year. Oh and doing all the traditional post-breakup things (hiding them on Facebook, no contact, keeping busy with friends/school etc) helped.

PS. I'm sorry about your breakup 🙁 (I'm assuming this is why you're asking).

 

[skittles12]

Not during undergrad, but first semester of last year, my bf of 4 years broke up with me. It was really rough, but I did my best to convince myself that I was going on to bigger things. If he didn't want to be a part of that, so be it. Easier said than done at some times. I found help in the veterinary social work program here at school, and my family was very supportive. It was tough, but I got through it and I'm in a much better place now!

 

[bunnity]

Second semester of vet school I
a) realized I was gay
b) broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years
Great timing, yes. I don't think there's a specific way of getting through it. Reach out to your friends if you need something - don't be afraid to ask for help. I went hungry for a while before getting my finances in order because I didn't want to ask anyone to buy me food... don't be like me because your friends will want to help you and not eating sucks. Try to be nice to yourself.

 

[GellaBella]

My on and off boyfriend of I guess about 5 years (dated in high school, first kiss all that jazz) broke up with me during my finals week in my junior year of college.

That day I was also diagnosed with strep throat.

It was not a good time for me. This guy had always been so in love with me and I think it was more painful that all of a sudden his world didn't revolve around me, than the thought of us not actually being together.

I spent a lot of time in my bed. My friends brought me food I couldn't eat cause of the strep throat. I talked to my mom a lot. I think I had luckily already studied for my exams. I'm sure some of my grades weren't great, but I survived.

We actually got back together like 3 weeks later and dated for a few more years.

I'd say just take some time for yourself. Know it's okay to be sad. But also know that it is most likely a blessing in disguise and that you'll find someone even better for you. It will get easier with time.

 

[Kmeid]

Funny timing. I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year last night. He was was best friend and its absolutely is killing me. But I truly think it was the best decision. Sometimes if you love someone enough you realize the best decision is to let them go. I couldn't see myself ever marrying the guy, and it eventually comes to a point where it is "where do you draw the line?" It's my last year of undergrad and I need to take some time to myself and focus on school. Getting into Vet school is now my #1 priority more then ever.

Don't over think things too much, follow your heart. In the end feeling fulfilled is what will truly make you happy. Goodluck!

 

[AHorseOffCourse]

Broke up on mother's day, 2 weeks before finals of my senior year. It was a long term, serious relationship. My performance didn't suffer. It's all about compartmentalizing and realizing what the current priority is - and the priority has nothing to do with your emotions and everything to do with what's going to matter in 5-10 years which is probably going to be school/career etc. If your grades are strong enough, they may take enough abuse to have a mini melt down - and you may chose to allow yourself to do that - but also realize that life constantly throws you curve balls and you need to be able to decide what is the most important thing right now - not what feels the best, but what objectively is the most important thing. Do you really want to sit in front of an admissions committee and try to explain that you got low grades because of a break up? It's cliche and I tried to avoid it at all costs.

JMO though - your mileage may vary.

FYI - everything tends to work itself out. I'm a great place right now and growing can be painful. I'm actually back with that person and the relationship is better for the break up (lasted ~6 months).

 

[lostbunny]

I had broken up with a bf of 3.5 years at start of 3rd year. I had the initial boo-hoo, but was basically over it, until something happened that really set off all the residual emotion that I was keeping in. This all happened the day before my hardest exam... at school... while I was studying with my friends.

For me, venting about it, crying about it and bitching about it was how I got it all out. This lasted for a day or two on and off, but thanks to my wonderful friends, they helped me pull through it.

Seems like the world **** on you, and no matter how crappy you feel- you *will* get through it! Breaking up with him (my ex) was definately, definately the right decision! Sometimes it takes a lot for you to really see that, but once you do- you will feel soooo much better 🙂 Thats one thing that helped me feel better and focus- realizing that having him *not* be my bf was way better for me.

The venting and letting-it-all-out part really helps me get over it. I think also the pressure of having to write the exam the next day really pushed me to focus on school and not think about him or the situation. I really think letting it out in some way, talking to someone, venting or b*tching about it to a friend, will let you get everything off your chest and see things more clearly. Then you can channel the rest of your energy into school and things you care about. Thats what works for me at least- good luck!

ETA: i'm with SocialStigma on the blocking/limited contact via Facebook, etc. That definately helps!!!!!

 

[Graduatedly]

Awesome stories (not that breakups are awesome) - really good advice on here!

To add my 2 cents: take up working out! I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry (dumb me) and I'm getting over it by running my butt off and signing up with a trainer! I've lost 10 lbs. so far 😛

AND keep yourself occupied! Reach out to friends and make sure your schedule is nonstop so that you don't have time to wonder "what if?".

 

[smilin1590]

Wow this stirs up some old memories, considering I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years last July...or should I say he called it off. It was between sophomore year and junior year of undergrad. We had our whole lives planned out, including plan A, B, and C for vet school, marriage, children and the whole nine yards but it just wasn't all he wanted out of life and he didn't even know what he wanted.

For a long time I thought we'd get back together but we never have. Breaking up late in the month of July last year gave me some time to be sad over the situation but I also found myself in a world of confusion. I had let my relationship define who I was instead letting my own self define who I was. I still had goals outside of and before my relationship but once the breakup hit, it was almost as if I did not know myself and was desperately searching for who I wanted to be or who I was going to become. I actually toyed with the idea of switching my major, throwing away the dream of vet school, and many other things. I'm glad though that I've been surrounded by a great support system called my family who refused to let me give up on my dreams regardless. My dad pushed me to try one more semester as a bio major aiming towards vet school and he said if I wasn't digging it than he would support me in the process of changing my major and turning my back on vet med. My emotions still took up a lot of space in my mind and heart during last fall semester but I threw myself into my school work, started working out a lot, rode my horses harder than ever and made sure I had no spare time to pine for my ex.

That was one of my greatest semesters in my undergrad career. I got great grades and met some new friends and by the end of last fall semester I knew I was going to strive til the bitter end to get my DVM and nothing would stop me. It will be fun one day to run into the ex let him see how happy I'm with my career and life even though he had left me in an emotional mess.

I've been happier in 2011 than I've been in a very long time and the unfortunate cliche is "time really does heal pain"...if you let it. It sucks yes, but the best advice I can give you is don't let the previous relationship/breakup define who you are just pull yourself up by the boot straps and show the world you are strong you know what you want out of life and you will stop at nothing to achieve your goals.
Wow that was long winded

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years (started dating in grade 11 - high school sweethearts blah blah) between 2nd and 3rd year of undergrad. Luckily it happened in the summer (June) so I had some time to pull myself together before school started.

Basically I just kept telling myself that getting into vet school was more important (the exact words I told myself were "I loved him for 4 years but I've loved the idea of being a vet since I was 8" lol). - we may have broken up but life goes on, I wanted to go to vet school before him and I still wanted it after him so I couldn't let the breakup ruin my chances of that.

Once school started it was actually a lot easier to forget about the breakup and focus on school

PS. I'm sorry about your breakup 🙁 (I'm assuming this is why you're asking).

Definitely do not let the break up deter you from the things you've set as life goals, like becoming a vet or any other goals you have in life...This is essential. It may feel like you want to give up on everything in life but just channel your emotions towards your goals instead of the "what might have beens"

FYI - everything tends to work itself out. I'm a great place right now and growing can be painful.

Wow that's a great saying and so true. Growing does hurt sometimes but it does truly shape you into a better stronger person if you let it.

Awesome stories (not that breakups are awesome) - really good advice on here!

To add my 2 cents: take up working out! I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry (dumb me) and I'm getting over it by running my butt off and signing up with a trainer! I've lost 10 lbs. so far 😛

AND keep yourself occupied! Reach out to friends and make sure your schedule is nonstop so that you don't have time to wonder "what if?".

This is also good advice

 

[goldnretrivrgrl]

My boyfriend of over 6 years broke up with me while I was standing outside of the library during the first week of school (oh yeah it was over the phone too). We're "too different" blah blah. Anyway, I got on the loop, held it together until I walked into my house. As soon as my roomate said "What's wrong??" I pretty much burst into tears. It's hard, and it sucks. You'll feel lonely and like no one understands how much you're hurting. Just try to remember that it won't always be this bad and be proud that you took a chance at all. Just think how you've grown!
And for the really bad days, I wrote myself a note that went something like this:
Everything hurts right now. What happened wasn't your fault or his. People change and grow. Sometimes they grow apart. Mom loves you, Dad loves you, (the list got very long since I included pretty much my entire immediate family and friends). Things seem bad now but they will get better. You're going to feel better soon and everything is going to be ok.

I know it sounds lame but that note really helped. I had it saved to my desktop and looked at it when I needed to. A few weeks later I deleted it because I didn't need it anymore.
I still think about him sometimes but it's more in a general "oh I wonder how he's doing" sport of way. I ended up throwing myself into my school work and got a 3.993 gpa for that semester. Things will get better!

 

[skittles12]

I know it sounds lame but that note really helped. I had it saved to my desktop and looked at it when I needed to. A few weeks later I deleted it because I didn't need it anymore.

I did the same thing! Different words, but it was still helpful to have it there to see whenever I was feeling particularly bad. And it is often true that things just work themselves out. I had let my previous relationship break me down and define me. I feel like a totally different person now--in the best way possible!

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope things work out!

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Right in the first year of residency, out of the complete blue. No fun. No fun at all.

 

[smilin1590]

I still think about him sometimes but it's more in a general "oh I wonder how he's doing" sport of way. I ended up throwing myself into my school work and got a 3.993 gpa for that semester. Things will get better!

I do wonder sometimes how my ex is doing but your right I think of him in "how's he doing sort of way". I'm glad I got to read so many stories similar to my own. I felt like I was the only one who had to date someone for a long time and experience a breakup during college while others were already starting to think about marriage. Another reason why I love this site and everyone on it! Great support system!

 

[equitate]

Yup! It happened in the middle of Spring semester in my senior year of undergrad. Coincidentally, it was also my heaviest semester ever, credit-wise. He was my first very serious relationship and we had been together for over two years. I was going to be moving in with him in two months when I graduated - I had a job lined up near his place and everything. It definitely pulled the rug out from under my feet and I was really depressed for a few weeks. It ended pretty badly between us, too - his personality did a complete 180 because he couldn't take the stress of his first year in professional school. It was sad to see that kind of change in him and to have everything go up in flames. Fortunately, I got my act together. All of my grades were phenomenal that semester (with the exception of Physics II... can't say that's all his fault, though!). I planned a trip with World Vets right after graduation to give me something special to look forward to and followed some other opportunities that landed me an internship and now a great job at an equine hospital. Instead of moving in with him as planned, I packed up and moved 500 miles away to start a new life 🙂 It's worked out well, really...

No one can dispute how much that kind of break up hurts. Anyone who has been through it feels for you - that I can promise! Don't fight the feelings at first - you're allowed to feel sad. Get it out of your system so you can heal. The best thing to do (IMO) is to keep yourself busy. Time really does help take away the sting (it's a cliche saying for a reason!). Keeping yourself busy and distracted while time works its magic is key. Before you know it, you'll feel so much better and be thinking about it less and less. High-five to those who mentioned "throwing yourself into school" and "working out". Those are both things that will yield positive results and only increase your self esteem! I also recommend planning a vacation or something special for yourself. That little bit of distraction and excitement gives you something positive to think about when you're down.

 

[psilovethomas]

I ended a 6.5 year long relationship this summer (I was still in school- doing an internship for credit in a town where I didn't know anyone!). It was really tough and I rebounded, which only made the whole situation worse. I wound up in the hospital a few times for severe anxiety and depression. I started medication and feel awesome now. We are still great friends, but there is still some bitterness, mainly from his end, which is very understandable. I think I am a better person now because I was able to figure out who I really was, and not just keep living as someone who was dependent on their SO emotionally and physically. I picked up new hobbies, like running and eating super healthy. I felt like I was "letting myself go" and can now say that I feel better than ever! My friends are truly awesome and really helped me through the rough time, and I can honestly say I wouldn't be here without them. 👍

 

[Minnerbelle]

My high school sweetheart since sophomore year and I were together throughout most of college (long distance too... huh I never learn do I? but it didn't matter too much because I went to an UG that was virtually a convent and I saw him every break). We were growing apart, but things crumbled big time after he called me one day asking for permission to perform this slam poetry piece about me. I asked what it was about, and he tells me it's about the time back in high school when he thinks he sexually assaulted me. That there are very few pieces of writing from the violator's point of view, and he thinks it's very important (wtf!?). He wrote this very intense piece that I ended up taking to a therapist. Honestly, I'd let it go a long time ago as one of those issues you have with horny male teenagers and forgot that it even happened. A couple weeks after that, we had a huge fight about going to the plymouth plantation for thanksgiving... when he threw a fit about how the colony was the beginning of the destruction of the native americans (ugh, typical berkeley hippie). We broke up soon after that. SIX YEARS, and all that time, we had our entire lives planned out. No matter how over that relationship was by the time it ended, it affected me a lot. My future was shattered and I didn't even know where to begin to plan a new one for myself (esp because the plan was for him to work as a chem engineer for an oil company and support me 😳).

It's all about compartmentalizing and realizing what the current priority is - and the priority has nothing to do with your emotions and everything to do with what's going to matter in 5-10 years which is probably going to be school/career etc.

I ended up throwing myself into my school work and got a 3.993 gpa for that semester. Things will get better!

I agree 100% with both the above. It's very impressive how much you can accomplish at a time of despair if you compartmentalize/refocus yourself while the rest of you deals with the pain. I got my very first solid A in all of UG that semester, and not only that, solid A's in every single course I was taking with the heaviest courseload I've ever had.

It was really tough and I rebounded, which only made the whole situation worse.

But yep... I did that too. BAAAAAD decision. Be wary, when you're vulnerable like that, even the stupidest decisions may seem to make sense. Dated and moved in with a douche who cheated on me not once, but twice! By then I'd joined SDN, and the support I got from everyone was unbelievable.

FYI - everything tends to work itself out. I'm a great place right now and growing can be painful.

This is prob the best piece of advice. In the end, it really does tend to work itself out, and I grew tremendously from those experiences. I'm now the person I want to be in my current relationship.

 

[libster06]

Certainly. It was after 3 years of dating long-distance, during finals week of Fall semester, 5 days before Christmas, 2 days before I came home to see him. I broke up with him however, because he didn't appreciate me... but we got back together 4 months later and tried to patch things up. The pain and heartache wasn't all for not though, because it just made it that much easier to sever ties and move on when he broke up with me a during finals week this past May, right before I finished my first year of vet school, this time just 2 weeks after our 5 year anniversary (again, long distance).

I must say, it's defintely not the most desirable or productive conditions for me to study under, but the second time around was markedly easier than the first. I can't really say/recall how I actually handled it, or pressed on and passed the tests in terms of study skills, but I assume it's because I adapted to the situation... I knew the gravity of the school situation and the consequences of letting him get the better of me, so I had to force myself to put aside feelings and emotions, for the time being.

What I can tell you is that 95% of my ease, rationality and focusing ability in dealing with a 5 year break up at a time when I had absolutely no time to stop and pity myself came from my amazing best friends in vet school. They would literally just come hang out with me to keep my mind off things, or take me out to get me out of the house... and it was so crucial during that first week. I can't really put into words how much their support helped my transition into single life. And now I'm happier than ever.

 

[spicykimchi]

Hi guys,

It's probably weird that I'm taking so long to respond but the reality is I didn't have anything to say. Since the way I feel has been changing every day, anything I posted would have soon been outdated. Anyway I was wondering:

Have you ever felt insecure because of the fact that no matter how good your relationship is, there is no guarantee it will be there tomorrow? Has anybody mastered being able to enjoy a relationship while they have it without spending undue time worrying over getting hurt and worrying about the stress of having to start over once more?

Thanks.

 

[NittanyKitty]

Have you ever felt insecure because of the fact that no matter how good your relationship is, there is no guarantee it will be there tomorrow?

Oh yeah. My guy and I have been together for about 2.75 years, long-distance for all but four months of it. Everything is going great despite 500 miles between us, vet school, his busy job, etc. Couldn't ask for a more supportive partner in life (and yes, definitely think he's "the one"). But I still can't help feeling that insecurity sometimes! Even in a solid relationship with no trust issues to speak of, it's scary that you're putting yourself out there emotionally. Relationships can be so rewarding, but there's always an element of risk involved. You gotta figure nearly every divorce and break-up happened to a pair of people that were happy at some point or another. Most of those endings were good relationships at some previous time. As freaking happy as I am with mine, I can't help but have that worry in the back of my head that relationships can fail. That nothing is guaranteed. I don't think that risk or that fear ever completely goes away.

 

[psilovethomas]

I can't really put into words how much their support helped my transition into single life. And now I'm happier than ever.

Yeah, girl!👍

 

[libster06]

Have you ever felt insecure because of the fact that no matter how good your relationship is, there is no guarantee it will be there tomorrow?

To me (and anyone is welcome to have their own opinion), if you are finding yourself frequently and continuously filled with worry about the security and future of your relationship, that isn't the right relationship for you. I say this because I dated my most recent ex for 5 years (as I said above) and the entire time it was a rocky road. He was constantly "breaking up" with me (and then taking it back within a few hours or a day) or threatening to break up with me or just generally creating unnecessary drama that was always blown incredibly out of proportion. I struggled with coming to terms with the fact that our relationship, while functional, was neither healthy nor how a solid relationship was meant to be, and I shouldn't have to be holding my breath every time we had an argument because I didn't know whether it was going to be the end or not.

That's not to say, as NK pointed out, that even the happiest couples don't have doubts. It's human nature. Everyone has insecurities, all couples go through rough patches, but couples in a healthy, thriving relationship don't let the doubts get the better of them (ie: when they are feeling unsure, or on their less than perfect days, at the end of the day they still ultimately know they made a good decision in picking a partner and that the good still outweighs the bad).

I can say that in my relationship, I really came to feel like I was settling, and that since he was so fickle I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry someone who after 4.5 years is still pulling the same highschool shenanigans he did when we first got together... when I was IN high school. I kept coming back to this feeling that this relationship was nothing more than exhausting and there HAD to be someone better suited for me, who I didn't have to fret over every other day. And the "stress" of starting over? The way I saw it was that while I was back to square one on my quest for The One, I had the wonderful added relief of not having to deal with his ill-controlled temper ever again.

 

[Bacci]

Oh yeah. My guy and I have been together for about 2.75 years, long-distance for all but four months of it. Everything is going great despite 500 miles between us, vet school, his busy job, etc. Couldn't ask for a more supportive partner in life (and yes, definitely think he's "the one"). But I still can't help feeling that insecurity sometimes! Even in a solid relationship with no trust issues to speak of, it's scary that you're putting yourself out there emotionally. Relationships can be so rewarding, but there's always an element of risk involved. You gotta figure nearly every divorce and break-up happened to a pair of people that were happy at some point or another. Most of those endings were good relationships at some previous time. As freaking happy as I am with mine, I can't help but have that worry in the back of my head that relationships can fail. That nothing is guaranteed. I don't think that risk or that fear ever completely goes away.

THIS. I got engaged this summer, and it sent me into a tizzy. Absolutely certain this guy is the one. We have a ton of fun together, we're both ambitious, he's super supportive of me and my career. He's sexy! (hahaha) Etc etc etc, but I'm so terrified now that it's going to end one day, somehow, some way. Mur.

But I will say, just watch "Bridezillas" (assuming those women are real, ha) and you'll see that not everyone who gets married is happy in their relationship. And I know I've seen (real) people get married when it didn't appear to be the best decision. So I guess you just have to go with it. It really is a leap of faith!

 

[Bacci]

To me (and anyone is welcome to have their own opinion), if you are finding yourself frequently and continuously filled with worry about the security and future of your relationship, that isn't the right relationship for you. I say this because I dated my most recent ex for 5 years (as I said above) and the entire time it was a rocky road. He was constantly "breaking up" with me (and then taking it back within a few hours or a day) or threatening to break up with me or just generally creating unnecessary drama that was always blown incredibly out of proportion. I struggled with coming to terms with the fact that our relationship, while functional, was neither healthy nor how a solid relationship was meant to be, and I shouldn't have to be holding my breath every time we had an argument because I didn't know whether it was going to be the end or not.

That's not to say, as NK pointed out, that even the happiest couples don't have doubts. It's human nature. Everyone has insecurities, all couples go through rough patches, but couples in a healthy, thriving relationship don't let the doubts get the better of them (ie: when they are feeling unsure, or on their less than perfect days, at the end of the day they still ultimately know they made a good decision in picking a partner and that the good still outweighs the bad).

I can say that in my relationship, I really came to feel like I was settling, and that since he was so fickle I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry someone who after 4.5 years is still pulling the same highschool shenanigans he did when we first got together... when I was IN high school. I kept coming back to this feeling that this relationship was nothing more than exhausting and there HAD to be someone better suited for me, who I didn't have to fret over every other day. And the "stress" of starting over? The way I saw it was that while I was back to square one on my quest for The One, I had the wonderful added relief of not having to deal with his ill-controlled temper ever again.

I think the difference here is that this partner does not sound supportive and caring. You faced the facts about your relationship, and that's good. Sometimes you face the facts and come up with nothing wrong.

 

[libster06]

I think the difference here is that this partner does not sound supportive and caring. You faced the facts about your relationship, and that's good. Sometimes you face the facts and come up with nothing wrong.

I didn't see where spicy kimchi noted anything in the question about a partner being supportive and caring. What I caught was:

Has anybody mastered being able to enjoy a relationship while they have it without spending undue time worrying over getting hurt and worrying about the stress of having to start over once more?

Perhaps the OP can clarify for me, but I took this to mean that there sounds like some pretty substantial unrest about the relationship, for whatever reason.

If you're spending tons of time worrying about your relationship, that's either because you are paranoid for some reason (or perhaps none at all) or because there is a real issue there. I personally don't really understand how you could be fretting over some future event that you don't have any control of and yet be "coming up with nothing wrong" in the relationship. I'd say in that case, the persistent, unfounded worry would be the something wrong. Either way, whether it's that the relationship is fine and you are the one with a self-created paranoia about something that may or may not happen OR there actually is something to your fears, as in my case, neither is desirable and would seem to me like both situations would create a substantial problem with said relationship. The next step would be to figure out the source of your paranoia and deal with that or address the issues you're not facing.

 

[Bacci]

I didn't see where spicy kimchi noted anything in the question about a partner being supportive and caring. What I caught was:



Perhaps the OP can clarify for me, but I took this to mean that there sounds like some pretty substantial unrest about the relationship, for whatever reason.

If you're spending tons of time worrying about your relationship, that's either because you are paranoid for some reason (or perhaps none at all) or because there is a real issue there. I personally don't really understand how you could be fretting over some future event that you don't have any control of and yet be "coming up with nothing wrong" in the relationship. I'd say in that case, the persistent, unfounded worry would be the something wrong. Either way, whether it's that the relationship is fine and you are the one with a self-created paranoia about something that may or may not happen OR there actually is something to your fears, as in my case, neither is desirable and would seem to me like both situations would create a substantial problem with said relationship. The next step would be to figure out the source of your paranoia and deal with that or address the issues you're not facing.

I guess I thought you were responding more to NittanyKitty than spicykimchi, who had said that her partner was supportive yet still feared it would go sour. And, well, yeah. I'm an anxious person. My brain is filled with irrational fears. I deal. I'm just saying it's not that uncommon--especially if you've had past trauma like an unhealthy relationship. Even if your parents or a close friend had an unhealthy relationship, there's that fear: Can this happen to me? I realize I'm more anxious than the average person (and I have been working on this with a therapist on and off for years) but I don't think it's that weird to be scared in a new (or even not so new) relationship if you've been badly hurt in the past. You are really putting yourself out there and that can be really scary. Just advocating for the fellow anxious among us.

 

[skittles12]

I can say that in my relationship, I really came to feel like I was settling, and that since he was so fickle I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry someone who after 4.5 years is still pulling the same highschool shenanigans he did when we first got together... when I was IN high school. I kept coming back to this feeling that this relationship was nothing more than exhausting and there HAD to be someone better suited for me, who I didn't have to fret over every other day. And the "stress" of starting over? The way I saw it was that while I was back to square one on my quest for The One, I had the wonderful added relief of not having to deal with his ill-controlled temper ever again.

👍👍
Did we see the same person? Haha, sounds exactly like my old relationship. And it got to the point where I thought something was wrong with me, so I started trying to change a lot of things about myself.
I've been seeing my current boyfriend for about 9 months now. Sometimes I still do get doubts, especially because it is still a little early. My previous relationship was 4 years--9 months feels so short compared to that! But, he has been truly incredible about being supportive of me being in school--and he's never asked me to change who I am.
There's no way to know for certain what path your relationship will take. I had to ask myself--do I want to dwell on the hurt I felt in the past by worrying it will happen again? Or do I want to enjoy this relationship for all that it has to offer? If you never take a risk again, then you never know what you're missing out on.

Quote from CS Lewis:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

 

[spicykimchi]

Perhaps the OP can clarify for me, but I took this to mean that there sounds like some pretty substantial unrest about the relationship, for whatever reason.

I am not in a relationship right now. I broke up with my boyfriend earlier this month because of incompatability issues that were too numerous and too severe to fix, the worst of which being he wants kids and I don't. This was the only full blown offline relationship I've ever had. I'm ignorant about relationships. Near the end of mine and K's* relationship I did a buttload of reading and educated myself. I found so many things wrong with our relationship it wasn't even funny. A lot goes into compatability and it's complicated because not only are there traits every relationship needs to have (e.g. honesty), and not only are there traits specific to you that you need in a relationship (e.g. a nonjudgmental guy), you have to get to know somebody before you can be sure if all the needed traits are there or not.** That takes awhile and chances are you'll discover stuff missing. Guess what happens then? You either breakup or stay unhappy. Lovely options.

What I'm groaning about is wondering how many failed relationships I'm going to have to go through before I can even identify what traits I need in a man and then how many more until I have the luck of something working out very long term (10+ years). And then no relationship lasts forever (because death or breakups end all relationships) so I'm going to have to find somebody else after that relationship ends (unless it ends because I died, then I guess my work is done).

So it sounds like I am in for a lot of good times but also a lot of hurt. I'm wondering how to enjoy life while it's good and not focus on the times when it's going to be bad.

Meh...

*I'm assuming I'm not allowed to say his name.

**I'm only talking about essential traits that make a relationship healthy and happy. I don't expect to like everything about somebody, just because he's compatible for me. I know that's impossible.

 

[Marsala]

I am not in a relationship right now. I broke up with my boyfriend earlier this month because of incompatability issues that were too numerous and too severe to fix, the worst of which being he wants kids and I don't. This was the only full blown offline relationship I've ever had. I'm ignorant about relationships. Near the end of mine and K's* relationship I did a buttload of reading and educated myself. I found so many things wrong with our relationship it wasn't even funny. A lot goes into compatability and it's complicated because not only are there traits every relationship needs to have (e.g. honesty), and not only are there traits specific to you that you need in a relationship (e.g. a nonjudgmental guy), you have to get to know somebody before you can be sure if all the needed traits are there or not.** That takes awhile and chances are you'll discover stuff missing. Guess what happens then? You either breakup or stay unhappy. Lovely options.

What I'm groaning about is wondering how many failed relationships I'm going to have to go through before I can even identify what traits I need in a man and then how many more until I have the luck of something working out very long term (10+ years). And then no relationship lasts forever (because death or breakups end all relationships) so I'm going to have to find somebody else after that relationship ends (unless it ends because I died, then I guess my work is done).

So it sounds like I am in for a lot of good times but also a lot of hurt. I'm wondering how to enjoy life while it's good and not focus on the times when it's going to be bad.

Meh...

*I'm assuming I'm not allowed to say his name.

**I'm only talking about essential traits that make a relationship healthy and happy. I don't expect to like everything about somebody, just because he's compatible for me. I know that's impossible.

I know this sounds like oversimplifying, but step back, take a deep breath, and just BE. You are stressing yourself by worrying about all these 'what ifs' and trying to scientifically determine what you are looking for in a guy. When you find him, you will know. People don't always fall into categories that you find in the relationship and self-help books. Listen to your inner voice, when it tells you to go, go! When it tells you to run away, run away! Don't overanalyze or overthink things. And really, you should just be worrying about vet school now anyway.🙂

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

What I'm groaning about is wondering how many failed relationships I'm going to have to go through before I can even identify what traits I need in a man and then how many more until I have the luck of something working out very long term (10+ years). And then no relationship lasts forever (because death or breakups end all relationships) so I'm going to have to find somebody else after that relationship ends (unless it ends because I died, then I guess my work is done).

We should go have a beer. Those are pretty much my feelings on the issue. After 11 years of putting myself out there, I still have nothing to show for it, while it seems that vast majority of my colleagues are happily married/engaged/whatever.

 

[smilin1590]

After 11 years of putting myself out there, I still have nothing to show for it, while it seems that vast majority of my colleagues are happily married/engaged/whatever.

agreed

 

[spicykimchi]

We should go have a beer. Those are pretty much my feelings on the issue. After 11 years of putting myself out there, I still have nothing to show for it, while it seems that vast majority of my colleagues are happily married/engaged/whatever.

I may have an idea how you feel, eventhough I did not develop my current attitude toward relationships until very recently. Nonetheless, one thing I've been telling myself is at least from my experiences in past relationships, and what I've learned from doing research, is that at least I know traits to look out for that mean I should not waste my time with someone. For instance I will never again date somebody who wants kids (I don't) because if we got married no matter which option we chose somebody is going to be unhappy. (My last bf badly wanted kids and I badly wanted nothing to do them.) Then at least I can narrow down the pool of potential men.

All my notions of love being magical, of there being soulmates, of there being a God who helps us find relationships, of our feelings guiding us, etc. have been beaten out of me. I don't believe any of it anymore. It seems all there is, is cold, hard, psychology. It seems like all I can do is become as experienced and educated as possible so I can start selecting mates with the greatest chance of being compatible for me. I'm not saying I can ever get where I can predict 100% which way a relationship is going to go but isn't it better to put the odds in my favor as much as I can? I'd rather have a 1 in 100 chance than 1 in 1,000,000.

And really, you should just be worrying about vet school now anyway.🙂

I hope this doesn't make me the black sheep of the forum but...I don't want to be a veterinarian. I find the profession very cool and endlessly fascinating but there are things about it that make it the wrong choice for me. I guess you could think of it like a guy whom I love dearly but unfortunately we have some badly conflicting traits that make a happy marriage between us impossible. It's okay to just like vet med, right?

 

[libster06]

I guess I thought you were responding more to NittanyKitty than spicykimchi, who had said that her partner was supportive yet still feared it would go sour. And, well, yeah. I'm an anxious person. My brain is filled with irrational fears. I deal. I'm just saying it's not that uncommon--especially if you've had past trauma like an unhealthy relationship. Even if your parents or a close friend had an unhealthy relationship, there's that fear: Can this happen to me? I realize I'm more anxious than the average person (and I have been working on this with a therapist on and off for years) but I don't think it's that weird to be scared in a new (or even not so new) relationship if you've been badly hurt in the past. You are really putting yourself out there and that can be really scary. Just advocating for the fellow anxious among us.

For sure. I was responding to spicy kimchi's dilemma. &&& I guess it comes down to me being one of those somewhat uncommon breeds of people that trusts easily and without question, and unless you give me a reason not to trust you, I will. I am also honest to a fault. Next to my dad, I am the most honest person I know. So when I am around people who are distrustful of me without a basis for it my brain just automatically takes offense so to speak.... but I am always having to remember that everyone comes from different experiences and everyone's different... that's what makes the world go round 🙂

 

[NittanyKitty]

We should go have a beer. Those are pretty much my feelings on the issue. After 11 years of putting myself out there, I still have nothing to show for it, while it seems that vast majority of my colleagues are happily married/engaged/whatever.

From what I can tell, you are pretty awesome. I'll go out with ya! 😉

 

[libster06]

We should go have a beer. Those are pretty much my feelings on the issue. After 11 years of putting myself out there, I still have nothing to show for it, while it seems that vast majority of my colleagues are happily married/engaged/whatever.

Can I come too? Your quick wit and quirky sensibility would cheer us all up! I won't chatter, I'll just listen?

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Can I come too? Your quick wit and quirky sensibility would cheer us all up! I won't chatter, I'll just listen?

 

[deleted387118]

For instance I will never again date somebody who wants kids (I don't) because if we got married no matter which option we chose somebody is going to be unhappy. (My last bf badly wanted kids and I badly wanted nothing to do them.) Then at least I can narrow down the pool of potential men.

This statement caught my eye because that's exactly how I felt. Until I met my husband. I still do not like kids and do not want kids (and he's not huge on them either) but I have acknowledged that if he decides he wants them enough to ask it of me, knowing how much I don't want kids, I would do that for him. I think you need three lists: one of must be (must be honest, hardworking, etc) one of must not (must not be abusive, must not gamble etc) and one of sacrifices you'd be willing to make if you loved that person enough. For me, kids is on that third list; I just didn't realize it until I fell in love.

I guess what I'm saying is every relationship needs compromise somewhere and if you know what you're willing to be flexible on it keeps more fish in the pool.

 

[spicykimchi]

*sigh* This relationship was so messed up it wasn't funny. Let's just imagine for a moment that he didn't badly want kids and I didn't badly want nothing to do with them. We had basically NO chemistry. Just physical attraction and concern for one another's wellbeing. I don't know why I settled for somebody whom I don't really even share any interests with!

Examples: He would want to say inside playing video games or watching tv all day and I would want to go for a walk or go to the park. I love school, he despises it. I like to have deep intellectual conversations, he sits there with a blank look. I drive, take care of my business, do chores, etc. He does none of that. I am working hard to make my own way in the world, he seems comfortable to rely on his parents for the rest of his life (they baby him).

Meh there were good things about the relationship but the bad stuff, when taken all together, made for one sucky time. I felt like I was in a parent-child relationship, not adult-adult. I didn't break up with him sooner because I didn't want to hurt him...well and I had the crazy idea I could change him. I actually iniated the breakup and was surprised when it hurt 0_0 I am much better now but am still recovering. I keep thinking "Good god how would I feel if I'd loved him as much as my past boyfriends?"

Also part of the hurt might be from the fact we lived together for 8 months and I was around him almost 24/7 (to the point that I was getting too much attention and enjoyed time alone). It was a shocker to go from being around him all the time to not at all. One of the benefits of being with him was I never felt lonely cuz I'd just go hug him (or have him hug me). Now I have to readjust to making myself not feel lonely.

I broke up with him because I realized all this effort that it would take to make our relationship viable (if that's even possible) would be so much better invested into finding somebody who was better for me to begin with...

 

[cowgirla]

Eight months ago, you posted this:

Other Facts of Note:
-I am 25 years old
-I have a fiancè
-I plan to have children

That's a big change to make in a relatively short period of time. I don't know if this is the same guy that you are talking about now or not, but either way, maybe you need to give yourself some time to just be yourself. Worry about what you want for yourself, rather than going out on a hunt for a perfect mate. Sooner or later, you'll find someone who either fits in, or someone you care enough about to make compromises for. If it's later, it's not a big deal, no matter how hard that seems now. You still have your whole life ahead of you. TBH, I it sounds to me like you need to take a step back from relationships in general, and just take things as they come. Yes, there are a lot of people your age who are married. But there are also quite a few who are happily single, or who have never been in love.
Love shouldn't be something to analyze with a computer.

 

[twelvetigers]

WTF is pretty hot. Y'all would be getting a good deal, I think. But you'd better put out.

Kimchi, you can hang out here all you like. You seem quite sensible! I can't commiserate at this point, but I think you have your head on straight. Just let some more time pass.

 

[spicykimchi]

Eight months ago, you posted this:


That's a big change to make in a relatively short period of time. I don't know if this is the same guy that you are talking about now or not, but either way, maybe you need to give yourself some time to just be yourself. Worry about what you want for yourself, rather than going out on a hunt for a perfect mate. Sooner or later, you'll find someone who either fits in, or someone you care enough about to make compromises for. If it's later, it's not a big deal, no matter how hard that seems now. You still have your whole life ahead of you. TBH, I it sounds to me like you need to take a step back from relationships in general, and just take things as they come. Yes, there are a lot of people your age who are married. But there are also quite a few who are happily single, or who have never been in love.
Love shouldn't be something to analyze with a computer.

Holy cow I didn't even remember posting that but I thought hard about it (and searched for it myself) and yep, I did. Wow this brings back memories about K that I totally forgot: He wanted to talk about marriage and kids like the day after I met him. (I am freaking serious.) I thought it was too early to mention marriage and I didn't really think I wanted kids but I told myself "it will work out" and talked about it anyway. My friends told me we were rushing way too much but for some reason I didn't see a problem with it 😱

That reminds me...in the beginning I tried to bend myself to his needs/wants, not the other way around (which was hoping he'd change to meet mine). I think I wanted him to always like me and thought I had to be a certain person to achieve that. Man I'm glad I didn't actually have kids with him! I don't think I would have *learned* to like them like I hoped I would. From what I hear liking or not liking kids is a permanent trait you can't change. (This is why partners have to be in agreement on the kid issue or it will haunt them sooner or later.) Also I probably would have been raising them by myself because I don't see him becomming responsible any time soon.

Meh, I thought I was an idiot to stay with him. Now I realize I was an idiot to go out with him at all. *sigh* Well at least I learned, right?

And yeah I'm not in a rush to get in a new relationship. I want to be not only emotionally/mentally recovered but when I start looking I wanna take my time so I can pick carefully.

TT: Yay so you can appreciate my completely irrational existence on this forum! Meh I don't really feel like I belong but I like it so I stay. I did consider being a vet several times (yo-yoed back and forth between pursuing it or not for years) but now I have the mindset that just because you love a profession it doesn't make it right for you. I guess my place is as an outsider looking in. I do get enjoyment out of it, though. I like sitting back and hearing what people on the forum have to say. I like watching people progress from "Pre-Veterinary" to "Veterinary Student" status or from there to "Veterinarian" status. I can say I am genuinely happy for them and it was satisfying to get to see them grow.

I don't know why I've been posting so much lately. I usually just stay in the background and read.....I'm watching you guys from the bushes!!! LOL kidding on the last part.

 

[breenie]

I'm watching you guys from the bushes!!!

 

[LetItSnow]

Love shouldn't be something to analyze with a computer.

👍

Warning: Old-fart mode engaged.

I'm sure being so focused/analytical in the search might work ... but I suspect that more often than not it just puts too much pressure on a new relationship to move at a pace that's unhealthy for at least one of the two people.

Here's the other reason I don't like the unemotional analytical approach to it: think about what that says about your view of the other person - it treats them more like a lab experiment and less like a human being... as if they're just a 'thing' to be analyzed for the 'correct' qualities. I don't think anyone likes being analyzed that way, and prospective future mates can pick up on that pretty quick.

Just enjoy your time and don't worry so much about finding a partner. The best way to find one is to not look, and be out meeting people. Eventually you're going to realize that you made a friend that you'd really sorta kinda prefer to have around all the time. I completely stumbled into my wife when I wasn't looking ... my volleyball captain recruited her to play on our total slacker-beer-in-one-hand coed team, which gave me an advantage out the gate: I knew she liked volleyball and beer (which more or less made her perfect in my eyes). It's way less stress to meet people that way than today's world of OKCupid (or whatever the current online dating thing is). I hate those sites - people complain how hard it is to meet people, but then they go from their job back home and sit in front of a computer, where they think they can actually get to know another human being. Duh. Get out. Volunteer somewhere (you need it for your vet school app anyway). Take up a group sport like beer-swilling-volleyball or ultimate frisbee - you don't have to be a huge athlete to do either at recreational levels.

Really, I get how overwhelming the desire to "be with someone" can get. But it's self-defeating. Be smart, refocus yourself on things that are important right now, and trust that the relationship stuff will happen all on its own.

Ok. Rant over.

 

[breenie]

Yo LIS, 👍.

 

[spicykimchi]

If he disappeared into a bush that'd be perfect xD

 

[breenie]

I just realized the majority of my contributions to this thread were emoticons, so I'll try to give some (helpful? informative?) input.

I'm LD with a BF I've been with for ... about 6 months now. I am super into him, but terrified. I think that's fine. I've never done LD before, he has (and is the less worried one).

I don't know if he's the one, or who I'll end up with, but I'm confident enough in my personal hygiene and ability to be friendly to believe that I won't die alone. There is always gonna be SOMEONE who wants to kick it with me out there.

I don't think everything can be analyzed, despite my intense desire to do so. Sometimes you just gotta go with it, man. /hippie moment

 

[jmo1012]

the best advice i can give is dont be friends with an ex (unless the circumstances really merit it). as a poor sucker who has been sucked into this twice, let me tell ya, it makes it so much harder to get over things and move on. you've just gotta get through that initial really awful period on your own and then you'll feel better. and you'll feel a lot better a lot quicker if you dont have that person in your life for your brain to rehash everything all the time.

 

[libster06]

I just realized the majority of my contributions to this thread were emoticons

I'm LD with a BF I've been with for ... about 6 months now. I am super into him, but terrified. I think that's fine. I've never done LD before, he has (and is the less worried one).

LD works for those who can handle it. I did LD for 5 years and it was not the downfall of our relationship. It makes things tougher for sure, and you have to work harder at communicating, and it sucks to only see someone once a month or not be able to hug (or perhaps bang) it out after a fight, but it's worth it if the people involved can handle it.

I don't know if he's the one, or who I'll end up with, but I'm confident enough in my personal hygiene and ability to be friendly to believe that I won't die alone. There is always gonna be SOMEONE who wants to kick it with me out there.

And that's exactly how I feel. I'm cute, funny, intelligent, outgoing... who wouldn't want to be with me? 😉

 

[LetItSnow]

And that's exactly how I feel. I'm cute, funny, intelligent, outgoing... who wouldn't want to be with me? 😉

Are you straight? Act dumb. Us guys are intimidated by women smarter than us. 😉

A buddy and I were out drinking 'n playing pool once. We had a really enjoyable time watching these two girls. They were playing by themselves for a while and were really quite good. Suddenly these two guys show up and the girls totally put on the "Oh I don't know how to play - can you show me? How do I hold the stick? Which ball do I hit? Oh you're SO good at this!" schtick.

It was awesome. I about spit my beer out when the one of them asked how to "hold the stick."

 

[breenie]

And that's exactly how I feel. I'm cute, funny, intelligent, outgoing... who wouldn't want to be with me? 😉

Yeah girl! Can't ever forget that. 🙂