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Hit me
Anyone have any good jokes????
- Thread starter acidbase1
- Start date
D
deleted162650
There are 2 or 3 joke threads on this forum to check out. But, since you asked, here are a few:
A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."
5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
6. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?
12. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
19. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40."
23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
25. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
26. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
27. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
28. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
31. Knock Knock Who's There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.
32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
34. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
35. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
36. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
37. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
38. I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)
39. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
40. What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.
41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
43. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
45. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."
5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
6. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?
12. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
19. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40."
23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
25. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
26. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
27. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
28. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
31. Knock Knock Who's There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.
32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
34. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
35. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
36. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
37. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
38. I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people)
39. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
40. What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.
41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
43. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
45. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
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The "How do you hide $10 from a ..." jokes always garner a few groans across the drape.
How do you hide $10 from a General Surgeon?
Hide it in the case notes
How do you hide $10 from an Orthopod?
Hide it in a textbook
How do you hide $10 from a Plastic Surgeon?
You can't
How do you hide $10 from a Neurosurgeon?
Tape it to his kid's forehead
How do you hide $10 from a General Surgeon?
Hide it in the case notes
How do you hide $10 from an Orthopod?
Hide it in a textbook
How do you hide $10 from a Plastic Surgeon?
You can't
How do you hide $10 from a Neurosurgeon?
Tape it to his kid's forehead
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The Republican party ran a child molester for a Senate seat.
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Why was Eeyore lookjng in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes whack! 'Dang it' the other goes 'dang it' whack!
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes whack! 'Dang it' the other goes 'dang it' whack!
D
deleted162650
After extensive discussion with the mods, it's been decided that your joke privileges have now been revoked.
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I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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How do you hide money from an Emergency Medicine doc?
Put it in the patient's past medical history.
How do you hide money from an internist?
Put it under a dressing.
How do you hide money from a dermatologist?
Put it in the hospital after 3:00 PM.
How do you hide money from an anesthesiologist?
No need. Just don't wake him up.
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Two oldies but good:
"What's the difference between a urologist and an anesthesiologist? A urologist plays with somebody else's junk in the OR"
"A cardiac anesthesiologist is flying coach when he hears a flight attendant overhead "Is there a cardiac anesthesiologist on board? We need a cardiac anesthesiologist immediately!".
Cardiac anesthesiologist realizes this is his time to shine, and immediately jumps up and pushes the call button. "I'm here to help! What's the problem"
Flight attendant "Oh, thank God! We have a cardiac surgeon in first class that needs his table adjusted!"
"What's the difference between a urologist and an anesthesiologist? A urologist plays with somebody else's junk in the OR"
"A cardiac anesthesiologist is flying coach when he hears a flight attendant overhead "Is there a cardiac anesthesiologist on board? We need a cardiac anesthesiologist immediately!".
Cardiac anesthesiologist realizes this is his time to shine, and immediately jumps up and pushes the call button. "I'm here to help! What's the problem"
Flight attendant "Oh, thank God! We have a cardiac surgeon in first class that needs his table adjusted!"
Neurosurgeon= also acceptable here is a "Northstar anesthesiologist"
Last edited:
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Ok non PC joke that got a comic fired from his tv show in France:
"What do you tell a women with two black eyes?"
"Nothing you already explained it twice"
"What do you tell a women with two black eyes?"
"Nothing you already explained it twice"
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Picked this up from rotating on peds
Why should you never give a balloon to Elsa?
Cuz she's gonna "let it goooooo"
Why should you never give a balloon to Elsa?
Cuz she's gonna "let it goooooo"
D
deleted162650
I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am sixty-seven).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?
