@amateurbater I think you had the right mindset to go into medicine and not burn out. Similar to your very first post, I had an existential crisis of sorts before starting medical school. Looking in from the outside, I was 1000% convinced that it would be a terrible time. At that time, I had realized my love for writing, creating stories and epic adventures. I was writing something new every day, and I finally found a true love and that felt amazing. I woke up everyday ready to work, write, and create something that likely only a few pair of eyes would ever see (my close friends) and I didn't care. I spent nearly every waking moment on these things, and I never got tired.
I cried the day I received my acceptance, not out of overwhelming joy or relief but out of bitterness. I got on discord with my 2 closest friends and we cried together as we reminisced on a friendship that began online in 2016. I felt as if my life was over and that I would have to tear down everything and give up everything for medicine. My family had to call an intervention on my sake because at a certain point, I said that I wasn't going and that I'd find something else to do that didn't require this much sacrifice.
As an immigrant and having been raised by a mother who has worked herself nearly to the bone to raise my siblings and me, pay for my college despite being a **** up in high school, getting no scholarships, etc, I didn't go into medicine because of some grand idea about saving people or making a great difference in the lives of patients. No, even from a young age, I knew. I wanted to do medicine because of the job security and the pay. As I grew older, a stronger motivator was to repay my mother and everyone who has supported me at my very lowest to push me to the point where I am right now and will be in the future. I want to give my mom and future family a comfortable life. I want my children to chase their dreams.
Yet, looking in from the outside is a different perspective from looking out from in. When I finally got to medical school, sure it was difficult and stressful but, it was nowhere as stressful as I thought it would be. I didn't have to give up everything. I still have time to play with my friends in our online tabletop games on mostly every weekend. I still write and use writing as a stress reliever when things get tough. I made new friends within medical school who have been able to share this journey in a way that my best friends can't truly grasp. I'm still in medicine for the stability, but going through this process, I've found that I enjoy learning medicine. It's rewarding to see all the studying you do pay off when you first step into the hospital or interact with a patient.
I'm in awe of my residents and attendings as they do superhuman things that I don't think I could do. They literally save people's lives, help bring new life into this world, and cut into skin, fascia, fat, muscle, and sinew to help someone feel better at some of the very worst moments of their lives.
I remember telling a professor who would go on to be one of my mentors in front of about a dozen classmates during my first year that I felt I wasn't the right type of person to be a doctor because the physician's salary was the main reason I was here. He told me that all that mattered was my competency as a physician and keeping the patient's best interests in mind in whatever I did. He said my reason for coming to medical school was as valid as everyone else's because medicine is a job.
I don't think that having the mindset you had should deter you from medicine. If anything, I found that coming in and assuming the worst made my expectations of medical school incredibly realistic. The "Suck" didn't suck as much for me as it did for most of the people around me. And I found that this was the case for others who were older and worked in a different field before coming to medicine. They seemed to relish their new environment and were always optimistic even when things seemed to be bleak for most.
Don't abandon medicine forever. If you ever choose this path again, the opportunity will be there for you. Your very sober view, in my opinion, will make the whole experience a lot more tolerable. And even when experiencing the suck, there are truly amazing parts of medicine that will awe you. You'll work with amazing people who are not only talented but also highly driven, and you'll think that it's impossible you'll ever measure up, but the cool thing is that, eventually, that incredible person will be you.
Good luck and I'm glad you've found something that energizes you.
