Asian parents pressuring me to get married!

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lotus seed

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I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
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Either ignore them or tell them you're in a relationship with a man named Robbins or Cotran.
 
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Date when you wanna date; get married when you want to get married. I'm not Asian but I can only assume they would be more upset if you fail out of medical school to appease their need for a significant other.

I know this must be easier said than done but since you're an adult, just drive on, become a physician, and do things on your timeline.


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Be respectful, but stand up for yourself now. You're going to be a doctor, calling the shots in others' lives. Become your own person and own your space, now.
 
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wxman393 said:
Date when you wanna date; get married when you want to get married. I'm not Asian but I can only assume they would be more upset if you fail out of medical school to appease their need for a significant other.

I know this must be easier said than done but since you're an adult, just drive on, become a physician, and do things on your timeline.


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"I can only assume they would be more upset if you fail out of medical school", that's totally true. It's quite strange because they initially weren't supportive of my dream of becoming a doctor. They said that it takes too long and they would rather that I become a "normal" Asian girl. But now that I am in med school, they kept pushing me to get A's. When I told them that I mostly get B's and C's, they get very irritated, saying that I didn't work hard enough. I know they are trying to help, but we just have different values.
 
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Tell them that you're in love with a guy named Deshaun and he's black.
 
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You're an adult. Your grades and your love life are your own. Either stand up for yourself or continue to take the belittling.
 
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Maybe you should move out and grow up to become your own independent person.
 
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Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through.

Getting counseling will help you build up your self-esteem to deal with your parents, and, more importantly, the stress of med school. I suggest exercising rather than web surfing as a way to destress. And practice mindfulness techniques.

In the meantime, talk to your parents less...they're toxic.





lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
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lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
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Are you content with scoring below average, as long as you pass? If so, then you might have time for the dating scene. Here are some suggestions:

Asian parents never listen to what you have to say. They are only looking for answers they want to hear. So for your sake, just tell them a little lie. Just say you're talking to some X but he is really busy with school/job/family. Whatever it is, make it simple - so you don't confuse yourself later on. It will buy you more time and allow you to focus on your goals. If they ask about this "boyfriend" just keep it simple and say he is busy. Keep it simple.

or

There are a TON of dating apps out there. Because you are a girl, a successful one, you will get guys no matter what. The thirst is real out there. I actually know an interracial couple (White & Chinese) who met on tinder. So during your downtime, you can just explore the dating scene.

or

If you want to taste life on the wild side, you and your girlfriends take a friday/saturday night off and go out to the bar and/or club(s).

All in all, don't let your parents talk down to you. Filter it. Life is too hard for that kind of pressure. Finding love isn't a race; it should come naturally.
 
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lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
Click to expand...


Get married, and study harder or you'll end up homeless in downtown!
 
I would not condone lying to your parents and making up an imaginary boyfriend, whether it be Deshaun, Robbins, or keeping it "simple" by making up an imaginary person in your class. Chances are they will find out, sooner or later and they will be more devastated that you lied to them. Be truthful.

That being said....are either of your parents physicians? If they are not, I would politely explain to them that they have NO IDEA how difficult it is to navigate through medical school (irrespective of what little time you spend on the internet as a means to unwind). Explain to them that the pressures they are putting on you is not helping in your school work and ask them to back off and stop trying to micromanage your life. You've been successful enough to matriculate into medical school, so you should explain to your parents that they should be able to trust your judgement, which includes as follows:

1) be successful and pass medical school
2) if time permits (which it does), for you to date.
But 1 trumps 2 and your parents are just going to have to face the fact that you are an adult and that you do things on your own terms now. The sooner you have this discussion and explain it in a way that is assertive, yet polite, the bettor you will feel.

Lastly, I second what the other poster said. Use your spare time to get into the gym. It is extremely therapeutic for your well being.
 
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thepoopologist said:
Get married, and study harder or you'll end up homeless in downtown!
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That's exactly my parents' logic. You just said it in a very blunt way. My parents are constantly worried that I will get kicked out of medical school, or that I won't get into a residency after 4th year. And they kept pushing me to "change my personality", saying that I am too strong-willed, stubborn and selfish. They said that they would rather want a daughter who is less smart but is obedient to her parents. I honestly think that there's nothing wrong with my personality (otherwise, I wouldn't get accepted to med school). I guess I will just talk to them less from now on.
 
IH8ColdWeath3r said:
I would not condone lying to your parents and making up an imaginary boyfriend, whether it be Deshaun, Robbins, or keeping it "simple" by making up an imaginary person in your class. Chances are they will find out, sooner or later and they will be more devastated that you lied to them. Be truthful.

That being said....are either of your parents physicians? If they are not, I would politely explain to them that they have NO IDEA how difficult it is to navigate through medical school (irrespective of what little time you spend on the internet as a means to unwind). Explain to them that the pressures they are putting on you is not helping in your school work and ask them to back off and stop trying to micromanage your life. You've been successful enough to matriculate into medical school, so you should explain to your parents that they should be able to trust your judgement, which includes as follows:

1) be successful and pass medical school
2) if time permits (which it does), for you to date.
But 1 trumps 2 and your parents are just going to have to face the fact that you are an adult and that you do things on your own terms now. The sooner you have this discussion and explain it in a way that is assertive, yet polite, the bettor you will feel.

Lastly, I second what the other poster said. Use your spare time to get into the gym. It is extremely therapeutic for your well being.
Click to expand...

None of my parents are physicians. And also, they initially did not approve of my decision to become a physician. They wanted me to go into engineering because medicine takes too long. I have told them multiple times how stressed I feel and they just blamed me for not studying hard enough for undergrad. They said that a woman's value decreases as she gets older, and "good guys" will only date young girls in their early twenties. Even a lot of families in China are more open-minded than them, and I truly don't understand why they still think this way in this day and age.

I feel like I am not ready to date right now, as I am still trying to adapt to life in medical school. School is already difficult enough, being in a relationship will only add more stress to me.
 
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lotus seed said:
None of my parents are physicians. And also, they initially did not approve of my decision to become a physician. They wanted me to go into engineering because medicine takes too long. I have told them multiple times how stressed I feel and they just blamed me for not studying hard enough for undergrad. They said that a woman's value decreases as she gets older, and "good guys" will only date young girls in their early twenties. Even a lot of families in China are more open-minded than them, and I truly don't understand why they still think this way in this day and age.

I feel like I am not ready to date right now, as I am still trying to adapt to life in medical school. School is already difficult enough, being in a relationship will only add more stress to me.
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yeah, with all due respect, their way of thinking is rather antiquated. Anyway, you are your own person and my advice is, don't let others dictate your life. Do what is necessary and best for you.
 
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lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
Click to expand...

Overbearing and overtly abusive Asian parents is what got me into hot messes in my teens/early 20s. I feel you, gurl. Everyone has a different timeline (not according to some Asian parents) but we do. We all walk different paths and don't let them shame and blame you. Your parents can have their opinions and that's fine and all good, but that's just THEIR OPINIONS. You do you, don't be ashamed of your decisions. Seriously that is the best advice I can give you in this situation. There's dozens of us all going through Asian parents. Dozens, I say!!! You're not alone!
 
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lotus seed said:
That's exactly my parents' logic. You just said it in a very blunt way. My parents are constantly worried that I will get kicked out of medical school, or that I won't get into a residency after 4th year. And they kept pushing me to "change my personality", saying that I am too strong-willed, stubborn and selfish. They said that they would rather want a daughter who is less smart but is obedient to her parents. I honestly think that there's nothing wrong with my personality (otherwise, I wouldn't get accepted to med school). I guess I will just talk to them less from now on.
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Separate yourself from toxins. Talk with them more when they're not so ... emotionally manipulative/abusive. Good job on getting into med school, I don't care what your parents say, I'm definitely proud of you after hearing a bit about what you went through :)
 
lotus seed said:
None of my parents are physicians. And also, they initially did not approve of my decision to become a physician. They wanted me to go into engineering because medicine takes too long. I have told them multiple times how stressed I feel and they just blamed me for not studying hard enough for undergrad. They said that a woman's value decreases as she gets older, and "good guys" will only date young girls in their early twenties. Even a lot of families in China are more open-minded than them, and I truly don't understand why they still think this way in this day and age.

I feel like I am not ready to date right now, as I am still trying to adapt to life in medical school. School is already difficult enough, being in a relationship will only add more stress to me.
Click to expand...

It's the mentality of being outside of the motherland for a long time and being stuck in the time frame they left. I had South Asian family friends who would talk about the innocent days of the 70s or 80s. They don't realize times change and people change, thus don't notice the changes being stuck in that bubble of time while in the US.
 
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lotus seed said:
"I can only assume they would be more upset if you fail out of medical school", that's totally true. It's quite strange because they initially weren't supportive of my dream of becoming a doctor. They said that it takes too long and they would rather that I become a "normal" Asian girl. But now that I am in med school, they kept pushing me to get A's. When I told them that I mostly get B's and C's, they get very irritated, saying that I didn't work hard enough. I know they are trying to help, but we just have different values.
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Very few people get all A's in medical school. You need to distance yourself if you can. The anxiety will make you fail. Get married when you're ready. A rushed marriage in medical school just leads to divorce. Be your own person.
 
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IslandStyle808 said:
It's the mentality of being outside of the motherland for a long time and being stuck in the time frame they left. I had South Asian family friends who would talk about the innocent days of the 70s or 80s. They don't realize times change and people change, thus don't notice the changes being stuck in that bubble of time while in the US.
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We left China in 2005 and from what I have remembered, there're a lot of open-minded people in China, especially in cities. They believe in gender equality and they respect individual decisions. What is bizarre is that my parents constantly make fun of these people, even when we were in China. I lived with my grandparents up until third grade, and I feel that even my grandparents are more open-minded than them.
 
cabinbuilder said:
Very few people get all A's in medical school. You need to distance yourself if you can. The anxiety will make you fail. Get married when you're ready. A rushed marriage in medical school just leads to divorce. Be your own person.
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Good thing is, I don't live with them while I am in school. I don't have to deal with the pressure from parents, on top of the stress from medical school. I will just do the best I can, but there's a limit to what I can do.
 
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lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
Click to expand...
Sounds like they don't understand how medical school works. You don't just work harder in undergrad to succeed lol, that's a borderline stupid assessment of your situation. Ignore them, basically. Tell them it's better that you do well in medical school and be a doctor that marries a couple of years later than to fail out and be a med school failure stay-at-home mother. This isn't the old country, they need to chill out.
 
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IslandStyle808 said:
It's the mentality of being outside of the motherland for a long time and being stuck in the time frame they left. I had South Asian family friends who would talk about the innocent days of the 70s or 80s. They don't realize times change and people change, thus don't notice the changes being stuck in that bubble of time while in the US.
Click to expand...

My parents probably would like to join bubbles with other parents. Make a giant bubble.
 
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lotus seed said:
That's exactly my parents' logic. You just said it in a very blunt way. My parents are constantly worried that I will get kicked out of medical school, or that I won't get into a residency after 4th year. And they kept pushing me to "change my personality", saying that I am too strong-willed, stubborn and selfish. They said that they would rather want a daughter who is less smart but is obedient to her parents. I honestly think that there's nothing wrong with my personality (otherwise, I wouldn't get accepted to med school). I guess I will just talk to them less from now on.
Click to expand...
Look at it this way - at least they care about you. Lots of garbage cans with eyeballs have kids these days and couldnt care less if they wind up gainfully employed and self-sufficient or in a junkie flop house.

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cbrons said:
Look at it this way - at least they care about you. Lots of garbage cans with eyeballs have kids these days and couldnt care less if they wind up gainfully employed and self-sufficient or in a junkie flop house.

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Yes, there will always be people who have it worse than us. However, there there are also parents who want their children to reach their full potential in whatever they do, without shoving their own agenda down their throats. They even told her initially not to do medicine, which is something a parent should not be doing.
 
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IslandStyle808 said:
Yes, there will always be people who have it worse than us. However, there there are also parents who want their children to reach their full potential in whatever they do, without shoving their own agenda down their throats. They even told her initially not to do medicine, which is something a parent should not be doing.
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It is funny because most Asian parents want their children to be doctors. Most Asian parents will be thrilled if their children decide to be doctors. This isn't the case with my parents. They want me to get a job and to marry a man at age twenty-two. They want me to live like an "obedient and traditional Asian girl" (which is rare even in China in this day and age ). I feel like throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, they value obedience above all else.
 
lotus seed said:
It is funny because most Asian parents want their children to be doctors. Most Asian parents will be thrilled if their children decide to be doctors. This isn't the case with my parents. They want me to get a job and to marry a man at age twenty-two. They want me to live like an "obedient and traditional Asian girl" (which is rare even in China in this day and age ). I feel like throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, they value obedience above all else.
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What is an "obedient and traditional asian girl"?

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lotus seed said:
It is funny because most Asian parents want their children to be doctors. Most Asian parents will be thrilled if their children decide to be doctors. This isn't the case with my parents. They want me to get a job and to marry a man at age twenty-two. They want me to live like an "obedient and traditional Asian girl" (which is rare even in China in this day and age ). I feel like throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, they value obedience above all else.
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That doesn't pay the bills.
 
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cbrons said:
What is an "obedient and traditional asian girl"?

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Someone who does not talk back to her parents, and who listens to everything her parents tell her. And someone who gets married or engaged right after undergrad.
 
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lotus seed said:
Someone who does not talk back to her parents, and who listens to everything parents told her. And someone who gets married or engaged right after undergrad.
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But... Honey, do for me...
 
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lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
Click to expand...

Sometimes parents can be overbearing. I know you may love them but in this case it seems like they're actually leading you down the long road (one of anxiety.) ignore them, and just keep doing you. Lie if you absolutely have to and fill them in later. Who cares what they think, you'll be a successful physician and they'll just be the parents who were overly harsh. Just my 0.02.


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It's totally opposite to my parents lol. They did not want me to get married until I'm done with school. Lol
 
lotus seed said:
It is funny because most Asian parents want their children to be doctors. Most Asian parents will be thrilled if their children decide to be doctors. This isn't the case with my parents. They want me to get a job and to marry a man at age twenty-two. They want me to live like an "obedient and traditional Asian girl" (which is rare even in China in this day and age ). I feel like throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, they value obedience above all else.
Click to expand...

Same here! I'm of Asian origin as well (male tho). My father wanted me to go into engineering/IT to take over his business when he retires. However after I got my first C in computer 101 I was like nah fk that ****...
Anyhow, they are also pressuring me to get married as well - -, kind of a nuisance but once I explained to them how I want to spend my little free time sleeping, they kinda gets it... Fingers crossed for you lol!
 
lotus seed said:
I am in my early twenties, and I just started medical school this summer. So far, med school has been quite stressful. There's an exam almost every week. I spend almost all of my time studying and I am still struggling (I usually score below average).

In midst of all of this, my parents are pressuring me to go out more and to get a boyfriend. I told them that I am struggling in school right now, and they blamed me for not studying hard enough back in undergrad. They also said that I spent too much time on the Internet. I told them that going on the Internet is my way of de-stressing and helping me retain my sanity and they just won't listen.

I have an older cousin who is twenty-five years old (or twenty-six by Asian standards) and single, and my parents constantly blame her in front of me! They said that she is irresponsible to the Chinese race? I was like excuse me? Anyways, I just feel very stressed talking to them!
Click to expand...

If we all did exactly what our parents wanted us to do, progression would cease to exist.
 
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