Bad mistake. Advice needed.

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LKP2014

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I used to be a regular SDN user, but I had to change my ID because I forgot my password and also, people know who I am under my old name and I got myself into a situation that I'm embarrassed about. Against my better judgment, I let my feelings for my research preceptor take over. He claimed he had feelings for me too and we became intimate last month. He then took me away for New Year's so we could go somewhere that no one knew us and we wouldn't be afraid to be seen in public together. When we got back home, it's like everything changed. He was biting my head off for little things and when I asked if I had done something, he said no but he's still giving me the cold shoulder a week later. It was really bothering me today so I talked to my friend about it because I needed someone to talk to. She got judgmental and said that she can't talk to me anymore about it because it goes against the honor code for her to know this and not turn us in to the school. I then asked if she was going to say anything to the school and she said she had to think about it. I can't believe it. Can I get kicked out for this? Can he get fired? We're both consenting adults. I'm 26 and he's 35 and neither of us are married or anything like that. How much trouble are we in? When I tell him what I did in talking to my friend, he won't want anything to do with me anymore. But I have no choice. I have to warn him. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? I'm desperate for advice.
 
I know this is tough, and everyone does stupid things at onetime or another. There may be serious consequences for sure, and yes he could lose his job. I recommend removing yourself from the situation or asking for a transfer to a different research lab. You can cite personality conflict as a reason but if probed further by administrators do not lie. The coverup is always worse than the crime.

Get yourself out of the situation and move on with life. You've learned a valuable lesson about boundaries, and hopefully it will stick with you. As long as you move forward with your integrity intact you will be okay.
 
hold on, if i understand this correctly he's just your PI not your professor right? As far as I know as long as he's not grading you then it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. I think you should figure out whether he wants to continue the relationship or not and either way work on finding another research experience. Oh and your friend is a b*tch.
 
Yeah, make better friends first. Next, if he is acting like an ahole then why care if he gets fired. I doubt much will happen to you except for rumors, etc. It is not like you committed a crime. He probably will get fired if he has power over you. He crossed that line and took advance of his position. You more than likely do not know you are under his spell. But you are.........so now that you know this. The best thing you can do is get away from the situation. Hopefully, she will not say anything and you can end things with him. Learn a lesson and get out without much damage professionally.

Just remember this rule............never **** where you sleep. And life will be easier and better. 🙂
 
What role does this research preceptor play in medical education? Do you have a class taught by this guy? Or is this person your research mentor (outside of the curriculum)? If the latter is the case, I don't think there is anything against the honor code going on here....
 
He taught a class first year but hasn't taught me since. He's an associate professor in the basic sciences. We never had anything going until a month ago. While he was my prof, I never even knew him since I don't go to class. I only developed feelings for him when working on this project. But because he was at one time my prof, I'm afraid that might cause trouble. Should I tell my faculty advisor? Kinda head things off before everyone finds out? I hate this so much.
 
Doesn't matter if he used to be your prof. Teachers date students all the time AFTER the course is over and the teacher no longer has the individual for a student. If he is grading your research it could be an issue. But if it is an employer/employee relationship there is much less too worry about. Could be some rule in the employment contract but doubtful.
 
LKP2014 said:
He taught a class first year but hasn't taught me since. He's an associate professor in the basic sciences. We never had anything going until a month ago. While he was my prof, I never even knew him since I don't go to class. I only developed feelings for him when working on this project. But because he was at one time my prof, I'm afraid that might cause trouble. Should I tell my faculty advisor? Kinda head things off before everyone finds out? I hate this so much.
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I would not say anything. She might not tell and I know he will not.

I think preceptor might be a wrong term for the relationship. Because when I was a preceptor I taught student clinically while working and had them do projects and gave them a grade. Hence, pretty much a professor/teacher. That is definitely a problem. Sounds like he is more a research advisor that does not grade your perform but simply tries to help and guide you in the right way.

You will not get in trouble. He could because it is still unprofessional conduct. They might decide to get rid of him just to make it go away, etc. He should know better. I know I would never cross that line unless I had NO ties to that student. For example, I am dating a former student. After she had graduated and out of school. An equal now. But, while she was my student, I never did anything unprofessional. You have to know where to draw the line. Like having sex with patients. Don't do that!

Right now, I would not tell anyone else. Try and get her not to talk. And see what the hell is up with him. Why is he acting different? You should end it anyway. Or it sounds like he is going to anyway. Either way it is not good for either of you right now.

Now you know the forbidden fruit is not that sweet. Learn from it and move on. Life is like a box of chocolate you never know what you are going to get. You just have to deal and smile along the way. 🙂
 
I've actually been in a similar position but as soon as the assistant professor (who actually was teaching me at the time) got weird, I totally cut things off without an extra word. And then that turned into a tension-filled mess.

I think you're actually looking for a reason to connect with him as now he's giving you the cold shoulder. If you have half a brain you'll keep your distance from this person and focus on you. And drop the friend. Let her do whatever she wants to do. Move into the next chapter in your life...and maybe try dating closer to your age rather than father-figures and people in those roles. 🙂 And please don't turn into a whimpering crybaby while trying to "save him". It's bad enough you're pining over a guy who is treating you like poop.
 
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Move on. You won't get into trouble, but he could. These relationships very rarely work out, and in your case, almost definitely won't since he's giving you the cold shoulder at this point.

In terms of the research, see if you can get a transfer. That part may require some teeth-gritting and getting through it from your side.

However, from the personal side, you really should bail on this.
 
If he's 35 and has never been married, my first thought is that he has some serious mental issues. So hit it (which I think you already did) and quit it.
 
J DUB said:
It is not that uncommon anymore especially those with higher education.
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You might not be married if you went to grad school, but you're probably in a serious relationship by and when you're 35 if you're not recently divorced. If he's single, never been married, and 35, I'm willing to bet he's a weirdo.

This guy also sounds really moody - giving a cold shoulder, etc. for no apparent reason? Avoid at all costs. Guys who behave like women who are pmsing probably have mental issues.
 
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Kale01 said:
You might not be married if you went to grad school, but you're probably in a serious relationship by and when you're 35 if you're not recently divorced. If he's single, never been married, and 35, I'm willing to bet he's a weirdo.

This guy also sounds really moody - giving a cold shoulder, etc. for no apparent reason? Avoid at all costs. Guys who behave like women who are pmsing probably have mental issues.
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I don't see how you figure somebody who is recently divorced by the age of 35 is less of a weirdo and a better choice than someone who never married in a first place.
 
Kale01 said:
You might not be married if you went to grad school, but you're probably in a serious relationship by and when you're 35 if you're not recently divorced. If he's single, never been married, and 35, I'm willing to bet he's a weirdo.

This guy also sounds really moody - giving a cold shoulder, etc. for no apparent reason? Avoid at all costs. Guys who behave like women who are pmsing probably have mental issues.
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It's also pretty much universally true of women who haven't popped out a few by 30. No brood = some super serious issues.
 
Just like a woman with kids that wasn't married is some how bad or damaged goods. I have dated several, great women with a kid(s) but school always seems to get in the way or the fit was not right, etc.

If you stereotype folks, you might miss out on someone great.
 
He got what he wanted, and it was not your feelings. Move on.
The friend sounds like a good friend because that is EXACTLY the way you should have felt before trying to get with him.

Stop worrying about it. Your friend is not going to say anything. The dude is not going to say anything, and is not going to try to have a relationship with you. You are not going to say anything, and you are going to learn from this.
 
SunsFun said:
I don't see how you figure somebody who is recently divorced by the age of 35 is less of a weirdo and a better choice than someone who never married in a first place.
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I completely agree. There's way less baggage if someone hasn't been previously divorced.

As a non-trad, I can definitely say that most of us 10+ years down the road from you have had an experience where when someone asks what we were thinking from some event in our past and we just say, "I was young and dumb". Thankfully in your case this was a short episode to learn from.
 
Kale01 said:
You might not be married if you went to grad school, but you're probably in a serious relationship by and when you're 35 if you're not recently divorced. If he's single, never been married, and 35, I'm willing to bet he's a weirdo.
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Absolutely!
 
Who cares if people get it on? Wtf this is between you and the Professor and I bet this happens a lot more often than you think. People are people and they like sexy time so I hate when people make a big deal out of it. Like when Bill Clinton got some, that's between him his wife and Monica lol why did the whole country get involved
 
RadixLuminogen said:
Who cares if people get it on? Wtf this is between you and the Professor and I bet this happens a lot more often than you think. People are people and they like sexy time so I hate when people make a big deal out of it. Like when Bill Clinton got some, that's between him his wife and Monica lol why did the whole country get involved
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Seriously? You can't see why as a rule this is a crap thing to allow between students and professors? Turned my life into a serious headache for a couple months.

If OP wanted to report it, I'd be fine with that. I just don't think that's really what she's up to subconsciously...so she's wasting her time and needs to move on.
 
SunsFun said:
I don't see how you figure somebody who is recently divorced by the age of 35 is less of a weirdo and a better choice than someone who never married in a first place.
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Because divorce is commonplace while being single and never having been married at 35 isn't. The average person will probably get divorced in their lifetime and probably isn't a weirdo. At some point someone thought they were marriage material.
 
Kale01 said:
Because divorce is commonplace while being single and never having been married at 35 isn't. The average person will probably get divorced in their lifetime and probably isn't a weirdo. At some point someone thought they were marriage material.
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Who cares how commonplace it is? It has nothing to do with having mental problems. If your definition of a weirdo is someone who is different from what an average person is in one aspect or another than every single person is a weirdo and the term loses any meaning. Look, although as a divorcee female in my culture it will be much harder for you to find anyone to marry than even an older women who hasn't been married, I have nothing against people doing whatever they want with their lives. But I do have a problem with people passing judgments on others who somehow deviate from the norm. Be happy with your life and stop pointing fingers and worrying about others.
 
Kale01 said:
Because divorce is commonplace while being single and never having been married at 35 isn't. The average person will probably get divorced in their lifetime and probably isn't a weirdo. At some point someone thought they were marriage material.
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You need to realize what forum you are on. Among professionals, delaying marriage is common until after school/training is done. You will find a higher percentage of "never marrieds" among doctors than among people of other professions at the same age. I know more "never married" doctors who are 35 than doctors who are divorced by 35. Especially since most doctors are getting married a few years later than the average person, their divorces (presumably) also come at a later age.
 
SunsFun said:
Who cares how commonplace it is? It has nothing to do with having mental problems. If your definition of a weirdo is someone who is different from what an average person is in one aspect or another than every single person is a weirdo and the term loses any meaning. Look, although as a divorcee female in my culture it will be much harder for you to find anyone to marry than even an older women who hasn't been married, I have nothing against people doing whatever they want with their lives. But I do have a problem with people passing judgments on others who somehow deviate from the norm. Be happy with your life and stop pointing fingers and worrying about others.
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And you're not passing judgments on people who have different opinions? So if I have a different opinion, I am "pointing fingers and worrying about others." Frankly, I don't care about "others" at all. I am just sharing my opinion, and based off personal experience being perpetually single at 35 is a red flag. No need to sound angry or take it personally.
 
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Kale01 said:
And you're not passing judgments on people who have different opinions? So if I have a different opinion, I am "pointing fingers and worrying about others." Frankly, I don't care about "others" at all. I am just sharing my opinion, and based off personal experience being perpetually single at 35 is a red flag. No need to sound angry or take it personally.
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Perpetually single /= never married. Very different situations.

I didn't pass any judgments on you. I called you out for generalizing about different lifestyle in a judgmental way. I spoke about a specific behavior you were engaged in. You, on the other hand blatantly called all people who were not married before the age of 35 "with mental problems" and weirdos. Now you changed your tune to "red flag". Trying to back out of what you said originally by focusing on me or twisting words around is much less effective than owning up to it.

Lastly, just saying "it is my opinion" in your defense doesn't make what you said sound any less judgmental.
 
If its not your professor I don't see how it's against the Honor code, are you sure about that?
 
If there's no proof, just deny til u die. I doubt anything comes of this.
 
Kale01 said:
Because divorce is commonplace while being single and never having been married at 35 isn't. The average person will probably get divorced in their lifetime and probably isn't a weirdo. At some point someone thought they were marriage material.
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I'm neither in my 30s nor single..but as an outsider it sounds like you have a grudge against a certain someone who was 35 and never married. I think that is too shallow a criteria to judge someone's character so harshly on.

Anyway, OP just focus on studies and minimizing any damage that comes. These things happen, even at the best universities. I can name off the top of my head 4 high profile professors who ditched their wives for grad students, post docs, or fellows in their lab or under their tutelage..and they kept their positions and prestige. They're still slime balls though.

Your situation is a heck of a lot better given that you're both single. I wouldn't worry too much if I were you, but I would be more careful in the future with whom I discuss these matters and whom I date. He sounds immature, 35 and giving you the cold shoulder randomly? That is a much stronger warning for mental issues.
 
LKP2014 said:
She got judgmental and said that she can't talk to me anymore about it because it goes against the honor code for her to know this and not turn us in to the school.
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Your friend is ignorant because what you did isn't an honor code violation. Moreover, the honor code deals with very restricted parts of your life. Cheat on a test? Yeah, your friend should turn you in. Have an affair? Uh ...nobody is voting you for Person of the Year and judging is fine, but she can hear about it and not have to report it to the medical school.


LKP2014 said:
Can I get kicked out for this? Can he get fired?
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No and probably not. It has nothing to do with consent, it has to do with whether he can give you preferential treatment (e.g., correct answers on tests). I mean, unless you're alleging he raped you, then consent matters. Otherwise, it's irrelevant. That's why you can date a teacher after you finish his class, for example.
 
LKP2014 said:
I used to be a regular SDN user, but I had to change my ID because I forgot my password and also, people know who I am under my old name and I got myself into a situation that I'm embarrassed about. Against my better judgment, I let my feelings for my research preceptor take over. He claimed he had feelings for me too and we became intimate last month. He then took me away for New Year's so we could go somewhere that no one knew us and we wouldn't be afraid to be seen in public together. When we got back home, it's like everything changed. He was biting my head off for little things and when I asked if I had done something, he said no but he's still giving me the cold shoulder a week later. It was really bothering me today so I talked to my friend about it because I needed someone to talk to. She got judgmental and said that she can't talk to me anymore about it because it goes against the honor code for her to know this and not turn us in to the school. I then asked if she was going to say anything to the school and she said she had to think about it. I can't believe it. Can I get kicked out for this? Can he get fired? We're both consenting adults. I'm 26 and he's 35 and neither of us are married or anything like that. How much trouble are we in? When I tell him what I did in talking to my friend, he won't want anything to do with me anymore. But I have no choice. I have to warn him. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? I'm desperate for advice.
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He can lose his job. The consequences for you will likely be minimal, as he is considered to be the one who should know better and show discretion.

It is possible that he is acting the way he is because he is secretly worried about what might happen if someone were to find out. You talking to your friend about it is basically exactly what he was likely fearing. All it takes is that information getting into the hands of one person that will open their mouth and his career could be over. Another possibility is that he wasn't all that thrilled with the sex and he's going for the pump and dump. Having to spend a lot of time around someone after bad sex that you're no longer interested in can really turn the awkward dial up to the max. Or maybe he's just the kind of guy that likes the chase, and now that he's got what he wants, he's no longer interested. Plenty of those types. People are complicated, who knows what's going on in his head.

Just lay low about it and keep it between you and him. Request a transfer if at all possible.
 
Microglia said:
I'm neither in my 30s nor single..but as an outsider it sounds like you have a grudge against a certain someone who was 35 and never married. I think that is too shallow a criteria to judge someone's character so harshly on.
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Just because I have a negative opinion doesn't mean it's based off a grudge. It's a red flag imo.

As for my experience, most of my social circle/friends now are mid/late 20s to early/mid 30s working professionals who went to graduate school. All of the 30s+are married even though they went to grad school. Believe it or not, many people can juggle school, and tougher schedules than school, with having a relationship.
 
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Kale01 said:
Just because I have a negative opinion doesn't mean it's based off a grudge. It's a red flag imo.

As for my experience, most of my social circle/friends now are mid/late 20s to early/mid 30s working professionals who went to graduate school. All of the 30s+are married even though they went to grad school. Believe it or not, many people can juggle school, and tougher schedules than school, with having a relationship.
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Fair enough, maybe this generalization stems from another experience. But it is neither accurate nor morally correct.

I believe it, and I'm not sure who you're talking to here. I currently do the juggle school and relationship thing too. Just wanted to point out that immediately ruling someone as having mental issues if they are in their 30s and never married as advice seems both extreme and unkind. It can be a red flag to you, but to tell other people that they should have the same stereotypes perpetuates a lack of understanding of each other and simply puts walls between us. The reason I'm calling it out is because I can only imagine how someone who was unmarried and in their 30s would feel after reading your post. Many women in medicine are, as their career takes up time and sometimes things just don't work in their favor.

No one should be judged by age and marital status, or by race and religion, sexual orientation and culture, etc. These aspects are far too shallow to define who someone is, and all it takes is understanding that we have a tendency to do so to stop it.

Srs.
 
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I sort of agree about Kale's perspective but I'd just say it more like...

A red flag is just a red flag...it's not the same as a dealbreaker. You see several red flags and it's...time to hit the road.

A man who hasn't had a serious relationship by 35...is most definitely a red flag. I won't say that he's automatically insane or weird or an emotionally immature headcase but...Kale is right...that's red flag territory. And more often than not, I'd guess there's an issue/neurosis behind it.

I'd find divorced at 35 easier to understand as normalcy. At least the guy makes a go of things when the time is right.
 
Kale01 said:
Just because I have a negative opinion doesn't mean it's based off a grudge. It's a red flag imo.
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Yeah, that's called "walking your words back." You said that anyone who is 35 and hasn't ever been married has serious mental issues. Now you're just trying to say "it's a red flag." Yeah, to you it's a red flag because you think that they have serious mental issues. Which makes you the one who has serious mental issues.
 
ruralsurg4now said:
Yeah, that's called "walking your words back." You said that anyone who is 35 and hasn't ever been married has serious mental issues. Now you're just trying to say "it's a red flag." Yeah, to you it's a red flag because you think that they have serious mental issues. Which makes you the one who has serious mental issues.
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Wow, no need to take it so personally. You can still find someone.
 
Look at how optimistic Kale is. She doesn't know about your personality.
 
Anastomoses said:
I sort of agree about Kale's perspective but I'd just say it more like...

A red flag is just a red flag...it's not the same as a dealbreaker. You see several red flags and it's...time to hit the road.

A man who hasn't had a serious relationship by 35...is most definitely a red flag. I won't say that he's automatically insane or weird or an emotionally immature headcase but...Kale is right...that's red flag territory. And more often than not, I'd guess there's an issue/neurosis behind it.

I'd find divorced at 35 easier to understand as normalcy. At least the guy makes a go of things when the time is right.
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Look, if all she said was "single 35 y.o. Is a red flag to me", there would be no argument whatsoever. That was not what she said originally. Can you see how "having serious mental issues" is not the equivalent to "being a red flag to me"?
 
SunsFun said:
Look, if all she said was "single 35 y.o. Is a red flag to me", there would be no argument whatsoever. That was not what she said originally. Can you see how "having serious mental issues" is not the equivalent to "being a red flag to me"?
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Yes. I thought even she knew she was kind of laying it on thick but I see your point.
 
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