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I think he is the ex bf.
Oh, my. You are both so young, and there is so much more to the world than either of you have seen. That is not to dismiss what you had, but to remind you not to obsess over one person who is pulling away from you.
If you want to keep in touch, to be friends, that is great. But expect to be very distant friends for now. Being supportive would mean saying, "Hey, sorry things ended badly between us. I care about you and want you to have what you are looking for in life. If you ever need a friend to talk to, hit me up. Good luck with everything." And then leave him alone. He has expressed his need for space and time to focus on his career. He has told you loud and clear about what his priorities are, and you aren't one of them. Wanting him to feel differently won't make it happen. Definitely don't think that trailing along after him is going to end up in your getting back together for a happily ever after. You will just be demonstrating to him that you are desperate and that it will be okay for him to take you for granted.
You can be depressed over this one guy who got away, or you could focus on your own career and wait to meet someone who really values you and wants to be with you and to treat you well. You can't make any one person be right for you, but you can refuse to settle for someone who isn't and doesn't want to be. If you want closure, give it to yourself by moving on with your life. Maybe that is going to mean dating someone who isn't a stressed out medical student.
Going to medical school, even far away, doesn't have to destroy relationships. But both people have to actually want to make the relationship work. If either one decides that it is more trouble than it is worth, well, then it is.
Running away... he thinks he has enough information, but he doesn't.
Are you tripping over there or something, because the gibberish that's coming out of your mouth is totally cray.Running away... he thinks he has enough information, but he doesn't.
In addition, this guy sounds like an ass with some additional issues. He was consistently being verbally abusive and acting "bipolar" just because he was tired? .
I don't necessarily think this is fair. It just sounds to me like they are both young with very immature communication and conflict skills.
The ex-BF was trying to pull away...she was getting increasingly needy...and at a time when he is stressing balls over studying for the first semester of med school she is texting him 10+ times per day telling him he needs to take a break and relax. Just not healthy on either side.
OP - quit trying to contact him. It hurts, sure. But you need to move on.
And as for the Hillo stream of consciousness going on simultaneously in this thread...da fuq?
I don't necessarily think this is fair. It just sounds to me like they are both young with very immature communication and conflict skills.
The ex-BF was trying to pull away...she was getting increasingly needy...and at a time when he is stressing balls over studying for the first semester of med school she is texting him 10+ times per day telling him he needs to take a break and relax. Just not healthy on either side.
OP - quit trying to contact him. It hurts, sure. But you need to move on.
And as for the Hillo stream of consciousness going on simultaneously in this thread...da fuq?
And that he was being cranky and mean while being tired and apologizing was about before getting into med school(when he was appreciating me for giving him much space and being patient), from the first when we started dating. He once pushed me hard physically being extremely irritated, and kind of yelled at me I was walking too slow beside him. And he told me later he doesn't remember doing it, because he was tired.
He always told me he had bipolar issue, and he acts that way when tired, so he wanted me to understand. So I did.
I am not saying he is a bad person, but I was saying this to explain his temper issue in general, even before the med school.
Thanks for your comment, I agree it was not being healthy in the end. But if i may make things sure, I was very patient for the most of the relationship..
He always told me and appreciated that no girl could be understanding and tolerant about his ****ty situation.
But I got anxious when he first told me (right before summer) he isn't sure if it is the right time to be in a relationship, even though he said I am being a good girlfriend who gives enough space to him. (I always waited until he texts me first, and lets me know when he can meet me. and such..)
I was antsy towards the break up, since he was not open for communication. I was waiting for him to tell me for some plans of our meets or contacts for new busy schedule. I admit I should have been more patient and just asked him to give me some rough schedule, but I was afraid of asking. And I ended up being needy (the worse thing happened)
But I texted him 10+ texts for 3 days before he broke up with me. And never knew he was having really hard time since he told me that day and broke up with me.
And that he was being cranky and mean while being tired and apologizing was about before getting into med school(when he was appreciating me for giving him much space and being patient), from the first when we started dating. He once pushed me hard physically being extremely irritated, and kind of yelled at me I was walking too slow beside him. And he told me later he doesn't remember doing it, because he was tired.
He always told me he had bipolar issue, and he acts that way when tired, so he wanted me to understand. So I did.
I am not saying he is a bad person, but I was saying this to explain his temper issue in general, even before the med school.
I was wondering if I can become needy when someone tells me that he is not gonna be attached even from the start, and always tells me that he might not be able to be in a relationship because of med school in the future even though he likes me. I was shocked by my reaction too, honestly.
Am I not normal because usually people keep calm in that situation? I am figuring out for myself. I first need to work on this.
Anyways, I just wished he just did not tell me the worst case scenario all the time, because it made me more needy and nervous all the time. I regret becoming needy and clingy. I should have been just calm and relaxed. Because no matter what, I really cared, and still care about him a lot.
However, I understand why he had to break up with me. He was worried about achieving his dream..the chance finally he got. And he was always in doubt about being in a relationship during his med school. And I was not even being a comforting and supportive girlfriend. I really wanted to, but I was really confused and scared. I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. I feel very sorry about that. If i get another chance, i will be mature. But i guess there won't be any chance. That's why I was devastated.
I guess it is over for good, and I need to try harder to move on?
I respect all of you guys who went through hearbreaks from those you really loved.
Thanks for the reply.
Admittedly everyone's different and handles stress in different ways, but I honestly cannot think that shutting out close people in one's life and being "too busy" to have relationships is a functional way to react to stress, and medical school -- while stressful and hard -- certainly does not warrant such a one dimensional approach to life. In the long run this is neither healthy nor sustainable, and if your friend doesn't figure that out I think he is in for a very rough career.
That all said, it is best that you just move on. Given the history between you, I also don't think it is particularly good for you to be some kind of ongoing emotional outlet for him, either, because it will ultimately just tether you to a relationship that is not working. Let him be -- he needs to figure his life and career out and you need to get past all of this and let him go.
Good luck, be assured you're not the only one to go through something like this and that while it can seem difficult or impossible initially that you will make your way through and find someone who is a better fit for you.
Um.....that's kind of a red flag anyways. I mean, I have a temper myself, but I would never physically shove/push/whatever my SO. If someone have a "bipolar issue" or a "temper issue" they shouldn't use it as an excuse for their behavior. Being tired and irritated is no reason to shove your SO for "walking too slow". He has a lot of growing up to do.
To clarify, my point was not to "blame" you or be taking his side. My point was just that you both seem to have conflicting (or poorly developed) communication styles that do not mesh well under stress. In other words - you just ain't right for each other.
He wasn't giving you what you needed emotionally; he (it seems) wasn't getting support in the type/manner in which he wanted.
I really appreciate your comment. The whole being needy texts was out of my big concern that he is going to get burnt out with not having his own life outside the study during med school. I wanted him to balance, but I was not even being mature enough to really balance my life, and he was still figuring out his new schedule, and I was asking too early and being stubborn about it. I was really worried, what if he breaks down later when he really faces harder tasks.
But, now I am thinking, maybe his way is different. And that way seems not working for other people, but maybe it works for him, and he can only be happy that way. Maybe only focusing on his school without any interference/obligation of emotional, relationship, personal issues is how he can excel in his career and if that satisfies him, I should respect that. (Even though I really want to be part of his life)
I really wish he will find his way not only to survive but also thrive in medical school, not just by getting good grades and high-ranked residency, but also by really learning how to become a 'good' doctor. I wish this because he is a very hardworking and responsible guy and I really look up to that, and I think he is the one who can be a really good doctor contributing a lot to our society.
I also have so much to learn and improve in my life, so I will focus on them. Hoping that I will love someone again!
Well, I thought opening and showing all his negative personality was a good thing for me, since I thought it means he really wants to be honest with me without pretending or hiding.
I thought it was to be closer and honest with me. I am not sure if his intention was that or not, but I thought it was a girlfriend's responsibility for understanding his issues.
I obviously told him about his extreme crankiness, and he said he knows about his personality, but is too busy for working on his personality issue, but he apologized and said he will try not to.
But I guess it is a lil bit different..?
Anyways, I also need to work on my own personality issue for now. Even though I don't think 23 years is young to be mature enough, I am immature for a good relationship maybe. And also focus on my career too.
I know you were not trying to blame me or take his side.
I was mentioning about my behavior for most of the relationship because I just thought it was unfair of him only to focus on my neediness towards the end forgetting about how I was thus I could be as well. It does not mean I will be always needy in the future, since I was really confused about this new situation, and I wanted his thoughts. I admit we both lacked communication skill for sure.
I never believed (and still) in the term "being right for each other" yet, since it is very hard to define and I believe people grow up and adjust.. But I see what you mean. Thank you for your insight. I could think more rationally.
So, here's my take. I know that people process stress and deal with things in different ways, and I also know that medical school or any sort of professional school can be mental emotional physical etc etc hell. But, even the people with the mopey broody personalities who introvert when stressed and need their own time and space can still be good partners. They just sort of have to want to work through things WITH you, and not WITHOUT you(thanks, @WhtsThFrequency) I will also say that any sort of "needy" personality type would probably not work well with someone like I just described.
Also, youre young. I dont mean that as an insult, but at age 23 or 24 I was a really different girl than I am today. Back then, I would have needed constant communication and showy displays of affection and lots of alone time from a partner and would probably have had a massive temper tantrum if that had not been provided to me. Now, I realize that people dont always show love or affection or that they care in the same way that *I* do, and that doesnt make it wrong nor does it mean that they dont care.
I'm referring to this situation and my situation in super vague third person terms, but I get it. I promise. The person I've been with for awhile is geographically far away from me, in med school, and in the past, always thought that he needed to cut himself off from relationships/friendships/any sort of emotional obligations to be a successful doctor. He doesnt always call every night, or answer texts right away, sometimes we make plans to see each other and then he has some school obligation and we have to change plans, etc etc etc....but after a few years of this, I'm on the other side of things and can tell that he loves me and sees value in a long term partnership with me. We've had our share of massive obstacles...but like the WTF quote I referred to in the first paragraph, its sort of about wanting to work through things in life with the other person, instead of without them. And even though school is tough, real life(cue overused quote) is even tougher, and you want someone whose going to stick around through better or worse.
Move on.
Stop labeling him bipolar. His actions are stress reaction and temper issues. Bipolar does not equal mood swings, anger or temper issues.
In a honesty I would have snapped if I had told someone I was stressed and needed space and they kept insisting I just needed a break. You have no idea how stressful med school is. Figuring out how to study in the first semester is crucial because the the semesters keep getting more difficult.
Also, you would drive him crazy during clinical rotations and residency when he will be at the hospital all the time.
Do him a favor and yourself too and move on. In order for you to do that you need to cut off all ties and communication.
Running away... he thinks he has enough information, but he doesn't.
Your "LOL!" reveals that you have no experience in matters like these.
And no, when a man is done with a womAn, he's done FOR THE TIME BEING.