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Why are you insisting on wasting emotional resources on someone who does not wish to be with you?

Your goal in all of this is to get him back. This isn't healthy. You need to cut contact, move on, and work on being independent and self-secure - the latter of which you seem to desperately need. You can't do that if you are chasing after him like a lost puppy.
 
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In addition, this guy sounds like an ass with some additional issues. He was consistently being verbally abusive and acting "bipolar" just because he was tired? He was so nervous about future events that may not even happen that he could t fully commit to a relationship? He has no active social life, thinks only his career can make him happy, and focuses obsessively on only it? He told you he didn't want to commit to you because "something might happen in the future" ? Something like what ? He's mentally breaking down after 3 weeks of med school and screaming at shouting at you? And You make excuses for his behavior, saying that it is all of this is your fault? It sounds like he is a scared little kid trying to keep you as a **** buddy, and you're a needy doormat.

You both need to step away from this and grow up.
 
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Thanks so much for the honest comments. Actually I wanted to listen from people who are/were in med school, or their families since I know that medical school is very stressful and demanding. So I didn't know if it was a normal behavior.

And why do i want to still be around? Maybe because I really like him, and he was my first serious bf and I was also his first serious gf. I never liked someone before him so I think that is why I am being obsessed. Even though I know it sounds delusional, I thought if I grow up and work on my weaknesses, it will eventually work for us . I also thought, if the fact he was freaking out and being extremely stressed was the real reason, maybe it is a good time to be more supportive being separate from each other.

I think my comment is not organized, but what I want to know is, it is really not usual to act like that when you are feeling you are failing at the start of med school while you are really worried about your every single exam? (And also, do they even feel that way for every weekly exam? just pass-fail tests)


ps. FYI, I don't think he is wanting to keep me as a ****buddy if I am thinking what you meant right, since he does not even have time or willing to see me in person. (that was the whole purpose of the breakup. Not to spare his study time to see me) In the recent check-on texts, he only asks about my health, study and application process, and he only talks about his exams and researches. And obviously he already knows that is never in my options.
 
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Given that I've been through veterinary school (as challenging if not more so than medical school) as well as a residency in one of the most difficult specialties in our field, I'd say I'm as qualified as any med student. I'm well aware of stress and schooling. ;)

He sounds currently unable to deal with said stress, and the seemingly logical thing for him to do in his own mind is to cut himself off from any outside interference or responsibility. However, this is the least healthy choice. It is indeed easy to feel overwhelmed and be stressed in professional school. But cutting himself off from his friends and girlfriend is not the correct way to deal with it. So is his currently described stress level, anxiety, moodiness a normal response? Honestly, it sounds excessive to me and he is dealing with it the wrong way. You cannot support him if he does not become proactive in managing himself.

I get that he's your first, but you cannot keep defining your life by him. Especially when he has made it clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but wants to keep you on the back burner (hence the continued texting) or someone to vent to about school etc.
 
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Thank you for your detailed and insightful responses. I think it is more clear to hear from someone who went through professional school with all the stress, since he told me that people who are not in medical school can never understand and don't have much work to do thus free time to kill. He was always telling me he could never understand married med students with kids, he thought they were crazy or underestimating med school program.
I just thought that might be true since he always has been an extremely hardworking and successful student, and I looked up to the fact he is working hard and aiming higher despite his very stress-sensitive personality.

I think I got the answer what I was seeking for.."I cannot support him if he does not become proactive in managing himself." That was what I felt even when together. That made me feel more and more insecure. Since I knew his stress will eventually make him leave me. I just assumed I was doing it wrong and everything was my fault. I mean, I still regret that I could not make him feel supported towards the end after I got nervous about his stress, since he thought I was not understanding him or respecting his new schedule. I was lacking maturity.
Anyways, he said he is not in a position to be in a relationship anymore. I should also live my life and keep my own position no matter what.

Thank you. :) I really appreciate it. If you have more advice to give, please please do so.
 
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No problem. I know it sucks to hear. My first boyfriend and I were together for 4 years and it was definitely weird when it ended. Trust me, it gets better. I can guarantee you.

I've never understood the idea that relationships or marriage are impossible in professional school, or make them unbearably difficult. A healthy relationship is a supportive one and should relieve the stress overall. It sounds like he doesn't realize that and in general has issues managing stress. And then your support, which may well have been overbearing but had good intentions, was interpreted by him as something more to stress over. You didn't do anything wrong, you just need to learn to be a little more independent. And again that's somewhat understandable since it is your first serious relationship. But take this time to focus on you growing as a person. He also sounds like he needs time to find his space in the crucible that is med school.
 
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Thanks again. I definitely agree that he saw my support as something stressful. I regretted that a lot after the breakup.
Because even though I was trying very hard to comfort him, I could not do it the right (or needed) way.

I could not focus on my own study ever since, and I was scared I might really mess up with my application. I needed some objective insights on this situation from who knows the stress from professional school and who is not my friend. To really be realistic and motivated to move on. I hope I can grow up from this experience.

:)
 

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Oh, my. You are both so young, and there is so much more to the world than either of you have seen. That is not to dismiss what you had, but to remind you not to obsess over one person who is pulling away from you.

If you want to keep in touch, to be friends, that is great. But expect to be very distant friends for now. Being supportive would mean saying, "Hey, sorry things ended badly between us. I care about you and want you to have what you are looking for in life. If you ever need a friend to talk to, hit me up. Good luck with everything." And then leave him alone. He has expressed his need for space and time to focus on his career. He has told you loud and clear about what his priorities are, and you aren't one of them. Wanting him to feel differently won't make it happen. Definitely don't think that trailing along after him is going to end up in your getting back together for a happily ever after. You will just be demonstrating to him that you are desperate and that it will be okay for him to take you for granted.

You can be depressed over this one guy who got away, or you could focus on your own career and wait to meet someone who really values you and wants to be with you and to treat you well. You can't make any one person be right for you, but you can refuse to settle for someone who isn't and doesn't want to be. If you want closure, give it to yourself by moving on with your life. Maybe that is going to mean dating someone who isn't a stressed out medical student.

Going to medical school, even far away, doesn't have to destroy relationships. But both people have to actually want to make the relationship work. If either one decides that it is more trouble than it is worth, well, then it is.
 

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Hillo...? Who are you yelling at? You seem to be hijacking someone else's thread and I'm not really sure what exactly you are trying to say. It is hard to take you seriously when you TYPE IN ALL CAPS and ramble so.

I apologize if you are actually trying to add something to this conversation, but you seem to be shouting at someone who isn't here.
 

Promethean

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I think he is the ex bf.
So, I kind of thought that, at first, but then I noticed that Hillo is talking about a boyfriend problem. And OP definitely identified herself as an ex-girlfriend. So, either there is some gender confusion, or someone isn't talking to the person they think they are talking to, or something. Basically, I can't make out what Hillo is saying, but if he (?) is the OP's ex, then I think they are better off going their separate ways.
 
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WOW...... I never knew there was this confusion going on.
I am a girl and talked about my ex BF. But I think Hillo is a girl.??? And all her comments are not even relevant to mine.
haha...this is weird :)
 
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I mean, it seems like Hillo is ranting to her (ex) boyfriend but at the same time, she is trying to give me some advice..??
Honestly, I feel lost but thanks for advice. And hope you and your bf work things out.
 
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Oh, my. You are both so young, and there is so much more to the world than either of you have seen. That is not to dismiss what you had, but to remind you not to obsess over one person who is pulling away from you.

If you want to keep in touch, to be friends, that is great. But expect to be very distant friends for now. Being supportive would mean saying, "Hey, sorry things ended badly between us. I care about you and want you to have what you are looking for in life. If you ever need a friend to talk to, hit me up. Good luck with everything." And then leave him alone. He has expressed his need for space and time to focus on his career. He has told you loud and clear about what his priorities are, and you aren't one of them. Wanting him to feel differently won't make it happen. Definitely don't think that trailing along after him is going to end up in your getting back together for a happily ever after. You will just be demonstrating to him that you are desperate and that it will be okay for him to take you for granted.

You can be depressed over this one guy who got away, or you could focus on your own career and wait to meet someone who really values you and wants to be with you and to treat you well. You can't make any one person be right for you, but you can refuse to settle for someone who isn't and doesn't want to be. If you want closure, give it to yourself by moving on with your life. Maybe that is going to mean dating someone who isn't a stressed out medical student.

Going to medical school, even far away, doesn't have to destroy relationships. But both people have to actually want to make the relationship work. If either one decides that it is more trouble than it is worth, well, then it is.
I really appreciate your comment. I just felt very sad because even though we were really happy to meet each other, he always knew that negative things will happen once he starts med school, so he always tried to keep distance. It was hard to move on because I have been thinking it would work if he just admits that med school is hard for everyone, and once he figures out how to survive there and once I figure out how to cope up with his new stressful schedule..

But we never had chance to communicate about this. He was already busy and he was just telling me he will be busy for transition time. I tried not to bother him, but I was already worried. Through our whole relationship, even though he always said communication is king, when I told him about my complaints he shut down the next whole day, and it made me more insecure..and he rather avoided talking about serious things since he probably saw it very stressful. I just thought he doesn't know how to handle emotional issues in relationship yet, so I did not know I was being extremely stressful to him. (he always said when i apologized if i was bugging him, "no worries, just studying..") I know I didn't know how to understand his mind without him telling me directly, and I needed more empathy.

It really hurt me that he liked me in the first place, but he just had to get rid of me from his life, and it made me think it happened because I am a horrible person. I blamed about everything about me... maybe I had to make my mind and tell him, "you don't have to come see me because I know you are busy, I will just leave you alone" first, in order to be really supportive. (I really cried over it a lot...)

Anyways, I cannot dwell on it especially when he made it sure that it won't work out, and that it is not about me but about him. (I understood that it doesn't matter for him even if I work on my weaknesses and be more supportive)

Thanks for your insights, I hope I can believe in myself again and focus on my own career.
 
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In addition, this guy sounds like an ass with some additional issues. He was consistently being verbally abusive and acting "bipolar" just because he was tired? .
I don't necessarily think this is fair. It just sounds to me like they are both young with very immature communication and conflict skills.

The ex-BF was trying to pull away...she was getting increasingly needy...and at a time when he is stressing balls over studying for the first semester of med school she is texting him 10+ times per day telling him he needs to take a break and relax. Just not healthy on either side.

OP - quit trying to contact him. It hurts, sure. But you need to move on.

And as for the Hillo stream of consciousness going on simultaneously in this thread...da fuq?
 
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I don't necessarily think this is fair. It just sounds to me like they are both young with very immature communication and conflict skills.

The ex-BF was trying to pull away...she was getting increasingly needy...and at a time when he is stressing balls over studying for the first semester of med school she is texting him 10+ times per day telling him he needs to take a break and relax. Just not healthy on either side.

OP - quit trying to contact him. It hurts, sure. But you need to move on.

And as for the Hillo stream of consciousness going on simultaneously in this thread...da fuq?
I agree, that does sound like the major issue here. What I was getting at was

1) his being mean/screaming/shouting at her when he is stressed is a sign of immaturity and yeah, kind of assholic (I assume this was more than just snapping a little, which we all do, hell I snap at my fiance sometimes but I never scream at him)

and

2) her constant texting and obsession is also a sign of immaturity.

I didn't mean to imply he was a de facto nasty person. He's an accidental ass, not a purposeful ass, if that makes sense. By issues I meant he needs to be able to manage his stress levels better and not take it out on others, which requires experience. Combine that with an overanxious SO and it will not end well.
 
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I don't necessarily think this is fair. It just sounds to me like they are both young with very immature communication and conflict skills.

The ex-BF was trying to pull away...she was getting increasingly needy...and at a time when he is stressing balls over studying for the first semester of med school she is texting him 10+ times per day telling him he needs to take a break and relax. Just not healthy on either side.

OP - quit trying to contact him. It hurts, sure. But you need to move on.

And as for the Hillo stream of consciousness going on simultaneously in this thread...da fuq?
Thanks for your comment, I agree it was not being healthy in the end. But if i may make things sure, I was very patient for the most of the relationship..
He always told me and appreciated that no girl could be understanding and tolerant about his ****ty situation.
But I got anxious when he first told me (right before summer) he isn't sure if it is the right time to be in a relationship, even though he said I am being a good girlfriend who gives enough space to him. (I always waited until he texts me first, and lets me know when he can meet me. and such..)
I was antsy towards the break up, since he was not open for communication. I was waiting for him to tell me for some plans of our meets or contacts for new busy schedule. I admit I should have been more patient and just asked him to give me some rough schedule, but I was afraid of asking. And I ended up being needy (the worse thing happened)
But I texted him 10+ texts for 3 days before he broke up with me. And never knew he was having really hard time since he told me that day and broke up with me.

And that he was being cranky and mean while being tired and apologizing was about before getting into med school(when he was appreciating me for giving him much space and being patient), from the first when we started dating. He once pushed me hard physically being extremely irritated, and kind of yelled at me I was walking too slow beside him. And he told me later he doesn't remember doing it, because he was tired.
He always told me he had bipolar issue, and he acts that way when tired, so he wanted me to understand. So I did.
I am not saying he is a bad person, but I was saying this to explain his temper issue in general, even before the med school.
I was wondering if I can become needy when someone tells me that he is not gonna be attached even from the start, and always tells me that he might not be able to be in a relationship because of med school in the future even though he likes me. I was shocked by my reaction too, honestly.
Am I not normal because usually people keep calm in that situation? I am figuring out for myself. I first need to work on this.

Anyways, I just wished he just did not tell me the worst case scenario all the time, because it made me more needy and nervous all the time. I regret becoming needy and clingy. I should have been just calm and relaxed. Because no matter what, I really cared, and still care about him a lot.

However, I understand why he had to break up with me. He was worried about achieving his dream..the chance finally he got. And he was always in doubt about being in a relationship during his med school. And I was not even being a comforting and supportive girlfriend. I really wanted to, but I was really confused and scared. I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. I feel very sorry about that. If i get another chance, i will be mature. But i guess there won't be any chance. That's why I was devastated.

I guess it is over for good, and I need to try harder to move on?

I respect all of you guys who went through hearbreaks from those you really loved.

Thanks for the reply. :)
 
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Admittedly everyone's different and handles stress in different ways, but I honestly cannot think that shutting out close people in one's life and being "too busy" to have relationships is a functional way to react to stress, and medical school -- while stressful and hard -- certainly does not warrant such a one dimensional approach to life. In the long run this is neither healthy nor sustainable, and if your friend doesn't figure that out I think he is in for a very rough career.

That all said, it is best that you just move on. Given the history between you, I also don't think it is particularly good for you to be some kind of ongoing emotional outlet for him, either, because it will ultimately just tether you to a relationship that is not working. Let him be -- he needs to figure his life and career out and you need to get past all of this and let him go.

Good luck, be assured you're not the only one to go through something like this and that while it can seem difficult or impossible initially that you will make your way through and find someone who is a better fit for you.
 
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And that he was being cranky and mean while being tired and apologizing was about before getting into med school(when he was appreciating me for giving him much space and being patient), from the first when we started dating. He once pushed me hard physically being extremely irritated, and kind of yelled at me I was walking too slow beside him. And he told me later he doesn't remember doing it, because he was tired.
He always told me he had bipolar issue, and he acts that way when tired, so he wanted me to understand. So I did.
I am not saying he is a bad person, but I was saying this to explain his temper issue in general, even before the med school.
Um.....that's kind of a red flag anyways. I mean, I have a temper myself, but I would never physically shove/push/whatever my SO. If someone have a "bipolar issue" or a "temper issue" they shouldn't use it as an excuse for their behavior. Being tired and irritated is no reason to shove your SO for "walking too slow". He has a lot of growing up to do.
 

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Thanks for your comment, I agree it was not being healthy in the end. But if i may make things sure, I was very patient for the most of the relationship..
He always told me and appreciated that no girl could be understanding and tolerant about his ****ty situation.
But I got anxious when he first told me (right before summer) he isn't sure if it is the right time to be in a relationship, even though he said I am being a good girlfriend who gives enough space to him. (I always waited until he texts me first, and lets me know when he can meet me. and such..)
I was antsy towards the break up, since he was not open for communication. I was waiting for him to tell me for some plans of our meets or contacts for new busy schedule. I admit I should have been more patient and just asked him to give me some rough schedule, but I was afraid of asking. And I ended up being needy (the worse thing happened)
But I texted him 10+ texts for 3 days before he broke up with me. And never knew he was having really hard time since he told me that day and broke up with me.

And that he was being cranky and mean while being tired and apologizing was about before getting into med school(when he was appreciating me for giving him much space and being patient), from the first when we started dating. He once pushed me hard physically being extremely irritated, and kind of yelled at me I was walking too slow beside him. And he told me later he doesn't remember doing it, because he was tired.
He always told me he had bipolar issue, and he acts that way when tired, so he wanted me to understand. So I did.
I am not saying he is a bad person, but I was saying this to explain his temper issue in general, even before the med school.
I was wondering if I can become needy when someone tells me that he is not gonna be attached even from the start, and always tells me that he might not be able to be in a relationship because of med school in the future even though he likes me. I was shocked by my reaction too, honestly.
Am I not normal because usually people keep calm in that situation? I am figuring out for myself. I first need to work on this.

Anyways, I just wished he just did not tell me the worst case scenario all the time, because it made me more needy and nervous all the time. I regret becoming needy and clingy. I should have been just calm and relaxed. Because no matter what, I really cared, and still care about him a lot.

However, I understand why he had to break up with me. He was worried about achieving his dream..the chance finally he got. And he was always in doubt about being in a relationship during his med school. And I was not even being a comforting and supportive girlfriend. I really wanted to, but I was really confused and scared. I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. I feel very sorry about that. If i get another chance, i will be mature. But i guess there won't be any chance. That's why I was devastated.

I guess it is over for good, and I need to try harder to move on?

I respect all of you guys who went through hearbreaks from those you really loved.

Thanks for the reply. :)
To clarify, my point was not to "blame" you or be taking his side. My point was just that you both seem to have conflicting (or poorly developed) communication styles that do not mesh well under stress. In other words - you just ain't right for each other.

He wasn't giving you what you needed emotionally; he (it seems) wasn't getting support in the type/manner in which he wanted.
 
OP
K
Oct 17, 2014
13
8
Admittedly everyone's different and handles stress in different ways, but I honestly cannot think that shutting out close people in one's life and being "too busy" to have relationships is a functional way to react to stress, and medical school -- while stressful and hard -- certainly does not warrant such a one dimensional approach to life. In the long run this is neither healthy nor sustainable, and if your friend doesn't figure that out I think he is in for a very rough career.

That all said, it is best that you just move on. Given the history between you, I also don't think it is particularly good for you to be some kind of ongoing emotional outlet for him, either, because it will ultimately just tether you to a relationship that is not working. Let him be -- he needs to figure his life and career out and you need to get past all of this and let him go.

Good luck, be assured you're not the only one to go through something like this and that while it can seem difficult or impossible initially that you will make your way through and find someone who is a better fit for you.
I really appreciate your comment. The whole being needy texts was out of my big concern that he is going to get burnt out with not having his own life outside the study during med school. I wanted him to balance, but I was not even being mature enough to really balance my life, and he was still figuring out his new schedule, and I was asking too early and being stubborn about it. I was really worried, what if he breaks down later when he really faces harder tasks.

But, now I am thinking, maybe his way is different. And that way seems not working for other people, but maybe it works for him, and he can only be happy that way. Maybe only focusing on his school without any interference/obligation of emotional, relationship, personal issues is how he can excel in his career and if that satisfies him, I should respect that. (Even though I really want to be part of his life)

I really wish he will find his way not only to survive but also thrive in medical school, not just by getting good grades and high-ranked residency, but also by really learning how to become a 'good' doctor. I wish this because he is a very hardworking and responsible guy and I really look up to that, and I think he is the one who can be a really good doctor contributing a lot to our society.

I also have so much to learn and improve in my life, so I will focus on them. Hoping that I will love someone again!

Um.....that's kind of a red flag anyways. I mean, I have a temper myself, but I would never physically shove/push/whatever my SO. If someone have a "bipolar issue" or a "temper issue" they shouldn't use it as an excuse for their behavior. Being tired and irritated is no reason to shove your SO for "walking too slow". He has a lot of growing up to do.
Well, I thought opening and showing all his negative personality was a good thing for me, since I thought it means he really wants to be honest with me without pretending or hiding.
I thought it was to be closer and honest with me. I am not sure if his intention was that or not, but I thought it was a girlfriend's responsibility for understanding his issues.
I obviously told him about his extreme crankiness, and he said he knows about his personality, but is too busy for working on his personality issue, but he apologized and said he will try not to.

But I guess it is a lil bit different..?

Anyways, I also need to work on my own personality issue for now. Even though I don't think 23 years is young to be mature enough, I am immature for a good relationship maybe. And also focus on my career too.

To clarify, my point was not to "blame" you or be taking his side. My point was just that you both seem to have conflicting (or poorly developed) communication styles that do not mesh well under stress. In other words - you just ain't right for each other.

He wasn't giving you what you needed emotionally; he (it seems) wasn't getting support in the type/manner in which he wanted.
I know you were not trying to blame me or take his side.
I was mentioning about my behavior for most of the relationship because I just thought it was unfair of him only to focus on my neediness towards the end forgetting about how I was thus I could be as well. It does not mean I will be always needy in the future, since I was really confused about this new situation, and I wanted his thoughts. I admit we both lacked communication skill for sure.

I never believed (and still) in the term "being right for each other" yet, since it is very hard to define and I believe people grow up and adjust.. But I see what you mean. :) Thank you for your insight. I could think more rationally.
 
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fancymylotus

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I really appreciate your comment. The whole being needy texts was out of my big concern that he is going to get burnt out with not having his own life outside the study during med school. I wanted him to balance, but I was not even being mature enough to really balance my life, and he was still figuring out his new schedule, and I was asking too early and being stubborn about it. I was really worried, what if he breaks down later when he really faces harder tasks.

But, now I am thinking, maybe his way is different. And that way seems not working for other people, but maybe it works for him, and he can only be happy that way. Maybe only focusing on his school without any interference/obligation of emotional, relationship, personal issues is how he can excel in his career and if that satisfies him, I should respect that. (Even though I really want to be part of his life)

I really wish he will find his way not only to survive but also thrive in medical school, not just by getting good grades and high-ranked residency, but also by really learning how to become a 'good' doctor. I wish this because he is a very hardworking and responsible guy and I really look up to that, and I think he is the one who can be a really good doctor contributing a lot to our society.

I also have so much to learn and improve in my life, so I will focus on them. Hoping that I will love someone again!



Well, I thought opening and showing all his negative personality was a good thing for me, since I thought it means he really wants to be honest with me without pretending or hiding.
I thought it was to be closer and honest with me. I am not sure if his intention was that or not, but I thought it was a girlfriend's responsibility for understanding his issues.
I obviously told him about his extreme crankiness, and he said he knows about his personality, but is too busy for working on his personality issue, but he apologized and said he will try not to.

But I guess it is a lil bit different..?

Anyways, I also need to work on my own personality issue for now. Even though I don't think 23 years is young to be mature enough, I am immature for a good relationship maybe. And also focus on my career too.



I know you were not trying to blame me or take his side.
I was mentioning about my behavior for most of the relationship because I just thought it was unfair of him only to focus on my neediness towards the end forgetting about how I was thus I could be as well. It does not mean I will be always needy in the future, since I was really confused about this new situation, and I wanted his thoughts. I admit we both lacked communication skill for sure.

I never believed (and still) in the term "being right for each other" yet, since it is very hard to define and I believe people grow up and adjust.. But I see what you mean. :) Thank you for your insight. I could think more rationally.
So, here's my take. I know that people process stress and deal with things in different ways, and I also know that medical school or any sort of professional school can be mental emotional physical etc etc hell. But, even the people with the mopey broody personalities who introvert when stressed and need their own time and space can still be good partners. They just sort of have to want to work through things WITH you, and not WITHOUT you(thanks, @WhtsThFrequency) I will also say that any sort of "needy" personality type would probably not work well with someone like I just described.
Also, youre young. I dont mean that as an insult, but at age 23 or 24 I was a really different girl than I am today. Back then, I would have needed constant communication and showy displays of affection and lots of alone time from a partner and would probably have had a massive temper tantrum if that had not been provided to me. Now, I realize that people dont always show love or affection or that they care in the same way that *I* do, and that doesnt make it wrong nor does it mean that they dont care.
I'm referring to this situation and my situation in super vague third person terms, but I get it. I promise. The person I've been with for awhile is geographically far away from me, in med school, and in the past, always thought that he needed to cut himself off from relationships/friendships/any sort of emotional obligations to be a successful doctor. He doesnt always call every night, or answer texts right away, sometimes we make plans to see each other and then he has some school obligation and we have to change plans, etc etc etc....but after a few years of this, I'm on the other side of things and can tell that he loves me and sees value in a long term partnership with me. We've had our share of massive obstacles...but like the WTF quote I referred to in the first paragraph, its sort of about wanting to work through things in life with the other person, instead of without them. And even though school is tough, real life(cue overused quote) is even tougher, and you want someone whose going to stick around through better or worse.
 
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OP
K
Oct 17, 2014
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So, here's my take. I know that people process stress and deal with things in different ways, and I also know that medical school or any sort of professional school can be mental emotional physical etc etc hell. But, even the people with the mopey broody personalities who introvert when stressed and need their own time and space can still be good partners. They just sort of have to want to work through things WITH you, and not WITHOUT you(thanks, @WhtsThFrequency) I will also say that any sort of "needy" personality type would probably not work well with someone like I just described.
Also, youre young. I dont mean that as an insult, but at age 23 or 24 I was a really different girl than I am today. Back then, I would have needed constant communication and showy displays of affection and lots of alone time from a partner and would probably have had a massive temper tantrum if that had not been provided to me. Now, I realize that people dont always show love or affection or that they care in the same way that *I* do, and that doesnt make it wrong nor does it mean that they dont care.
I'm referring to this situation and my situation in super vague third person terms, but I get it. I promise. The person I've been with for awhile is geographically far away from me, in med school, and in the past, always thought that he needed to cut himself off from relationships/friendships/any sort of emotional obligations to be a successful doctor. He doesnt always call every night, or answer texts right away, sometimes we make plans to see each other and then he has some school obligation and we have to change plans, etc etc etc....but after a few years of this, I'm on the other side of things and can tell that he loves me and sees value in a long term partnership with me. We've had our share of massive obstacles...but like the WTF quote I referred to in the first paragraph, its sort of about wanting to work through things in life with the other person, instead of without them. And even though school is tough, real life(cue overused quote) is even tougher, and you want someone whose going to stick around through better or worse.
Thank you much for sharing your own experience and opinion.
Although I don't know what exact reason was for him to let it go, I think a lot of factors affected his final decision of course.
But, even at first, when I was not being nervous and overbearing, he was always in doubt about being in a relationship at this time in his career. I actually think he never let himself completely "in" the relationship emotionally, constantly worrying whether he will be okay in school and thinking about getting out of the relationship at some point once school gets harder. Which not only hurt me very much, but also sucks for himself. Well, I let myself completely and passionately love and care someone who I was having a relationship with. And I think that is a great thing in life. :)
Please wish me luck to grow up more in this hard time!
 
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Oct 17, 2014
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And whatever the reason was, one thing I know for sure is that he was willing to lose me forever.
I would not regret moving on.
Thanks for the replies!
 
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drcrispmd

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Move on.

Stop labeling him bipolar. His actions are stress reaction and temper issues. Bipolar does not equal mood swings, anger or temper issues.

In a honesty I would have snapped if I had told someone I was stressed and needed space and they kept insisting I just needed a break. You have no idea how stressful med school is. Figuring out how to study in the first semester is crucial because the the semesters keep getting more difficult.

Also, you would drive him crazy during clinical rotations and residency when he will be at the hospital all the time.

Do him a favor and yourself too and move on. In order for you to do that you need to cut off all ties and communication.
 
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OP
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Oct 17, 2014
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Move on.

Stop labeling him bipolar. His actions are stress reaction and temper issues. Bipolar does not equal mood swings, anger or temper issues.

In a honesty I would have snapped if I had told someone I was stressed and needed space and they kept insisting I just needed a break. You have no idea how stressful med school is. Figuring out how to study in the first semester is crucial because the the semesters keep getting more difficult.

Also, you would drive him crazy during clinical rotations and residency when he will be at the hospital all the time.

Do him a favor and yourself too and move on. In order for you to do that you need to cut off all ties and communication.

Thanks for your opinion! And I am sure I will move on.

However, I didn't label him bipolar. He did, as I said in the previous comments. How can I un-label when he labels himself bipolar and tells me that is the reason of his all behaviors that hurt me. I am not a psychiatrist.
And he snapped whenever he was tired. It was consistent even before medical school..even when there was no threat of failing from school (temper issue, anger issue, borderline.. whatever you want to call it), no matter how I was. I don't think he really realizes his issue since he said he doesn't remember what he said or did. And once I knew it is hard for him to control his temper, I could understand and accept his behavior. But I thought it would be better to release his stress(most of the time he stressed himself) regularly not to snap at some point. For his own career.

I agree with you that first year is very important. That's why I felt sorry for him and I wanted him to know I would have given him space he needed if he really told me so. (He didn't tell me what he needs) He just said he is stressed and worried about failure. I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. But I don't agree with you that i will drive him crazy later since I would be adjusted to his med school schedule, and surprisingly people outside the med school are also busy with their work. It was just first 3 weeks when we both were new to his new stress, but we never had chance to really sit and talk how to deal with it.
I just wanted to do something for him. I know it was overbearing. But communication would have helped. Since we cannot just expect others to act in a way we want them to do without letting them know.

Thanks for the replies, I am going to remove this post soon. So I don't have to go over and over about this thing which I won't be caring anymore.
 
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jakeislove

MS IV
Oct 29, 2012
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Running away... he thinks he has enough information, but he doesn't.
Your first post gave me more than enough information to run away, LOL!

When a man is done with a women, he's done. Additional insight, information, craziness, excuses, points of view, booty calls, texts, displays of neediness, etc... are a waste of his time, intrusive, and confirm the decision was right. If you can't move on, at least leave him alone while figuring out whatever the reason(s) for getting dumped happened to be.
 

jakeislove

MS IV
Oct 29, 2012
1,180
540
Upstate, New York
Status
Medical Student
Your "LOL!" reveals that you have no experience in matters like these.
And no, when a man is done with a womAn, he's done FOR THE TIME BEING.
I've had three stalkers. They all were crazy or stupid enough to believe more information would make me take them back.

That's the LOL of experience laughing.

I'll recycle cans, bottles, paper, batteries, cell phones, and even drop used glasses off in those Kiwanis Club barrels..... Recycle women? Never. There's a reason they were dumped in the first place.
 
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