Jun 11, 2019
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So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
 

IMreshopeful

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Sorry you are going through this OP. For what it’s worth this isn’t that uncommon. I know a decent number of folks whose SO dumped them or vice versa once they had to start residency or medical school. This too shall pass.

If your feeling of depression doesnt get better after a while then I would get some counseling etc - until then you’re prob just in a funk. Don’t have any specific recommendations otherwise. You’ll prob be fine during residency
 

Crayola227

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Be really proactive about setting up discreet health/mental health care NOW. It isn't hard to do for the most part. Don't let your program or any of the fellow residents know at this point. Seriously. It will be tempting perhaps to confide in colleagues; don't. That's why friends and family exist and should be leaned on.

If performance issues come up (and wait for it) then you might mention it. But do NOT coming out of the gate.

I won't lie, this is going to be really hard. But people are right, you're not the only one with some serious shock going into this. Residency is a temporary life ruiner for many.

I ditto that time in the hospital heals all wounds.

Good luck. This could well be one of the hardest suckiest phases in your life, but it too shall pass.

I was in shoes extremely similar to yours, but believe me, crappier. I won't tell you it gets better overnight. For me, at least 5 years to feel like things are getting back to good in the aftermath. I don't tell you that so you'll despair, but just so you know that even when it feels like forever, it isn't, and even when it seems like it's too late, it's not.

PM if you need to.
 
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Saddleshoes

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Sounds like the perfect time to hit reset on your life!

A breakup at this time in your life could be a blessing. Time to start over with a clean slate in a new community, meeting new people. Nobody knows any of your bad history. You can do everything right this time.

Look at this as an opportunity and go for it!

Good Luck!
 

FaytlND

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Agree with the idea that you have to try to.find the silver lining, which admittedly can take awhile. Better this happened now than after the move and struggling with a failing relationship during intern year. If this happened, chances that things were going to work out long-term are essentially zero.

This happened to me toward the end of medical school, in a relationship that had lasted through undergrad as well. I did a lot of self-reflection, and focused on things that made me content. At the end of the day I've realized I changed for the better as a result, to go along with knowing I took opportunities that made me happy and set me on the right track for my life. Ten years later, I'm happily married with a kid and on a career track that brings me a lot of satisfaction. So hang in there, you'll get through it.

I would warm you that you'll need to find a way to fight through the malaise when you show up. The first few weeks/months of residency are critical. Getting pegged as the lazy/uninterested/underperforming resident is tough to shake, and will make the rest of your time much more challenging.
 

Crayola227

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Agree with the idea that you have to try to.find the silver lining, which admittedly can take awhile. Better this happened now than after the move and struggling with a failing relationship during intern year. If this happened, chances that things were going to work out long-term are essentially zero.

This happened to me toward the end of medical school, in a relationship that had lasted through undergrad as well. I did a lot of self-reflection, and focused on things that made me content. At the end of the day I've realized I changed for the better as a result, to go along with knowing I took opportunities that made me happy and set me on the right track for my life. Ten years later, I'm happily married with a kid and on a career track that brings me a lot of satisfaction. So hang in there, you'll get through it.

I would warm you that you'll need to find a way to fight through the malaise when you show up. The first few weeks/months of residency are critical. Getting pegged as the lazy/uninterested/underperforming resident is tough to shake, and will make the rest of your time much more challenging.
^
This
 

samc

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I just wanted to offer a few words of commisseration. I broke off a 10-year relationship (my decision, not his) at the end of first year of med school.

In addition to therapy, mental health apps helped me. Pacifica, for instance, has message boards where people just post tweet-length updates about how they're doing. Makes you feel less alone for 3 min. if 3 min. is all you have that day.

Also, don't be afraid to lean on your colleagues, within reason, of course. I definitely got some extra smiles and invitations to go out for drinks once people knew I was going through a rough time.
 
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I just wanted to say that differences in future goals is a good reason to break up. She likely did y’all both a favor.

Your goals on kids, family, location, money, politics should large be in line before you get married.
 

neoexile

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So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
Speaking from experience, a girl who doesn't support your success, whatever that requires, is not a girl you need to have relationship with. Happiness is multifactorial and there is no way you can just be happy with JUST her. Like others said, she did you both a favor.
 

Cheeni17

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So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
She sounds dumb and like she doesn’t understand sacrifices you have to make for residency. Congratulations on your successful breakup and move on with your lofw
 

GoSpursGo

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So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
I also was broken up with at the end of med school when I was moving for residency. Prior to that, I ended a long term relationship after one year of long-distance when I started med school. So speaking from experience, this sucks, but eventually I think you'll see that this was for the best.

What people don't realize until you've actually tried to do it is that long-distance is HARD. It's not for everyone. Also, if she "didn't like the idea of a couple of opinions I had about our future," then it sounds like your long-term goals were not aligned. If some of those long-term goals were dealbreakers that neither of you were willing to budge from... then I'm not sure what else you expected. Love and attraction will only get you so far, and at some point any serious couple needs to hammer out exactly what you want long-term. If those two dreams aren't cohesive, then it's better to stop wasting each other's time and move on.

I also have to say... I'm a little surprised at the number of comments that say "you just need to find a girl to support you no matter what." I feel for the OP, this sucks, but the girl doesn't owe him anything. In retrospect, I'm thankful for the girl who broke my heart at the end of med school, it helped me find my wife who shares my vision for our lives together.
 
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Carlin

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She sounds dumb and like she doesn’t understand sacrifices you have to make for residency. Congratulations on your successful breakup and move on with your lofw
Frankly I think she sounds smart. She saw that their future goals didn’t align, and broke off the relationship. What may be considered dumb, is pining for a relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with. Just because someone isn’t a med student, resident or doctor doesn’t mean their own vision of their future isn’t just as valid, and it doesn’t mean they are required to put up with the sacrifices someone else has chosen to make for their own career.
 

Cheeni17

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Frankly I think she sounds smart. She saw that their future goals didn’t align, and broke off the relationship. What may be considered dumb, is pining for a relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with. Just because someone isn’t a med student, resident or doctor doesn’t mean their own vision of their future isn’t just as valid, and it doesn’t mean they are required to put up with the sacrifices someone else has chosen to make for their own career.
She shoulda been ready for it before med school not jack for four years then ditch when he goes somewhere she doesn’t like. Of course we don’t know if we have the full story so meh. Trying to make him feel better
 

San Marzano

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You will meet many many many divorced doctors throughout your career who are paying $$$$$$ out their a$$ to their exes and you will be thankful that this breakup occurred before the relationship went any further. And you’ll hear them tell you the joke “do you know why a divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it.” You just got one for free, move on and enjoy your life!
 
Jun 17, 2019
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Block her number and all social media.
Hit the gym and lift.
Read couple of self improvement books.
Once you feel ready approach other women.

Above all focus on your residency work.
 

Crayola227

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When I had my break up, someone told me "Work is there when love is gone." It became my mantra and helped me immensely.
 
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emergentmd

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Be thankful she cut you off before getting married and having a few kids. If your relationship is not strong enough to handle a move and opinions the you have s pretty fragile relationship that will not handle marriage, long hours, and kids.

I would get on your knees and thank her. Text her and thank her for seeing the weakness in your relationship now rather than in 10 yrs with two kids having to go back and forth between homes. Thank her for not seeing your kids raised by a step dad.

When you get into a loving, strong relationship you will understand how weak this relationship was. My wife would move to Alaska for me. When she disagrees with my opinions (and I have alot), she takes it as a strength and Independence, not a fault or weakness.