Breakup before residency

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anxious4residency

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So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
 
Sorry you are going through this OP. For what it’s worth this isn’t that uncommon. I know a decent number of folks whose SO dumped them or vice versa once they had to start residency or medical school. This too shall pass.

If your feeling of depression doesnt get better after a while then I would get some counseling etc - until then you’re prob just in a funk. Don’t have any specific recommendations otherwise. You’ll prob be fine during residency
 
Be really proactive about setting up discreet health/mental health care NOW. It isn't hard to do for the most part. Don't let your program or any of the fellow residents know at this point. Seriously. It will be tempting perhaps to confide in colleagues; don't. That's why friends and family exist and should be leaned on.

If performance issues come up (and wait for it) then you might mention it. But do NOT coming out of the gate.

I won't lie, this is going to be really hard. But people are right, you're not the only one with some serious shock going into this. Residency is a temporary life ruiner for many.

I ditto that time in the hospital heals all wounds.

Good luck. This could well be one of the hardest suckiest phases in your life, but it too shall pass.

I was in shoes extremely similar to yours, but believe me, crappier. I won't tell you it gets better overnight. For me, at least 5 years to feel like things are getting back to good in the aftermath. I don't tell you that so you'll despair, but just so you know that even when it feels like forever, it isn't, and even when it seems like it's too late, it's not.

PM if you need to.
 
Sounds like the perfect time to hit reset on your life!

A breakup at this time in your life could be a blessing. Time to start over with a clean slate in a new community, meeting new people. Nobody knows any of your bad history. You can do everything right this time.

Look at this as an opportunity and go for it!

Good Luck!
 
Agree with the idea that you have to try to.find the silver lining, which admittedly can take awhile. Better this happened now than after the move and struggling with a failing relationship during intern year. If this happened, chances that things were going to work out long-term are essentially zero.

This happened to me toward the end of medical school, in a relationship that had lasted through undergrad as well. I did a lot of self-reflection, and focused on things that made me content. At the end of the day I've realized I changed for the better as a result, to go along with knowing I took opportunities that made me happy and set me on the right track for my life. Ten years later, I'm happily married with a kid and on a career track that brings me a lot of satisfaction. So hang in there, you'll get through it.

I would warm you that you'll need to find a way to fight through the malaise when you show up. The first few weeks/months of residency are critical. Getting pegged as the lazy/uninterested/underperforming resident is tough to shake, and will make the rest of your time much more challenging.
 
FaytlND said:
Agree with the idea that you have to try to.find the silver lining, which admittedly can take awhile. Better this happened now than after the move and struggling with a failing relationship during intern year. If this happened, chances that things were going to work out long-term are essentially zero.

This happened to me toward the end of medical school, in a relationship that had lasted through undergrad as well. I did a lot of self-reflection, and focused on things that made me content. At the end of the day I've realized I changed for the better as a result, to go along with knowing I took opportunities that made me happy and set me on the right track for my life. Ten years later, I'm happily married with a kid and on a career track that brings me a lot of satisfaction. So hang in there, you'll get through it.

I would warm you that you'll need to find a way to fight through the malaise when you show up. The first few weeks/months of residency are critical. Getting pegged as the lazy/uninterested/underperforming resident is tough to shake, and will make the rest of your time much more challenging.
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^
This
 
I just wanted to offer a few words of commisseration. I broke off a 10-year relationship (my decision, not his) at the end of first year of med school.

In addition to therapy, mental health apps helped me. Pacifica, for instance, has message boards where people just post tweet-length updates about how they're doing. Makes you feel less alone for 3 min. if 3 min. is all you have that day.

Also, don't be afraid to lean on your colleagues, within reason, of course. I definitely got some extra smiles and invitations to go out for drinks once people knew I was going through a rough time.
 
anxious4residency said:
So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
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Speaking from experience, a girl who doesn't support your success, whatever that requires, is not a girl you need to have relationship with. Happiness is multifactorial and there is no way you can just be happy with JUST her. Like others said, she did you both a favor.
 
anxious4residency said:
So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
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She sounds dumb and like she doesn’t understand sacrifices you have to make for residency. Congratulations on your successful breakup and move on with your lofw
 
anxious4residency said:
So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
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I also was broken up with at the end of med school when I was moving for residency. Prior to that, I ended a long term relationship after one year of long-distance when I started med school. So speaking from experience, this sucks, but eventually I think you'll see that this was for the best.

What people don't realize until you've actually tried to do it is that long-distance is HARD. It's not for everyone. Also, if she "didn't like the idea of a couple of opinions I had about our future," then it sounds like your long-term goals were not aligned. If some of those long-term goals were dealbreakers that neither of you were willing to budge from... then I'm not sure what else you expected. Love and attraction will only get you so far, and at some point any serious couple needs to hammer out exactly what you want long-term. If those two dreams aren't cohesive, then it's better to stop wasting each other's time and move on.

I also have to say... I'm a little surprised at the number of comments that say "you just need to find a girl to support you no matter what." I feel for the OP, this sucks, but the girl doesn't owe him anything. In retrospect, I'm thankful for the girl who broke my heart at the end of med school, it helped me find my wife who shares my vision for our lives together.
 
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Cheeni17 said:
She sounds dumb and like she doesn’t understand sacrifices you have to make for residency. Congratulations on your successful breakup and move on with your lofw
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Frankly I think she sounds smart. She saw that their future goals didn’t align, and broke off the relationship. What may be considered dumb, is pining for a relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with. Just because someone isn’t a med student, resident or doctor doesn’t mean their own vision of their future isn’t just as valid, and it doesn’t mean they are required to put up with the sacrifices someone else has chosen to make for their own career.
 
Carlin said:
Frankly I think she sounds smart. She saw that their future goals didn’t align, and broke off the relationship. What may be considered dumb, is pining for a relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with. Just because someone isn’t a med student, resident or doctor doesn’t mean their own vision of their future isn’t just as valid, and it doesn’t mean they are required to put up with the sacrifices someone else has chosen to make for their own career.
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She shoulda been ready for it before med school not jack for four years then ditch when he goes somewhere she doesn’t like. Of course we don’t know if we have the full story so meh. Trying to make him feel better
 
You will meet many many many divorced doctors throughout your career who are paying $$$$$$ out their a$$ to their exes and you will be thankful that this breakup occurred before the relationship went any further. And you’ll hear them tell you the joke “do you know why a divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it.” You just got one for free, move on and enjoy your life!
 
Be thankful she cut you off before getting married and having a few kids. If your relationship is not strong enough to handle a move and opinions the you have s pretty fragile relationship that will not handle marriage, long hours, and kids.

I would get on your knees and thank her. Text her and thank her for seeing the weakness in your relationship now rather than in 10 yrs with two kids having to go back and forth between homes. Thank her for not seeing your kids raised by a step dad.

When you get into a loving, strong relationship you will understand how weak this relationship was. My wife would move to Alaska for me. When she disagrees with my opinions (and I have alot), she takes it as a strength and Independence, not a fault or weakness.
 
anxious4residency said:
So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
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Relax. You're about to be a single doc in an academic hospital full of pretty nurses all looking to bag an MD. You're about to have so many panties thrown at you, it's not even funny. You'll be fine. Just don't get anyone pregnant.
 
Groove said:
Relax. You're about to be a single doc in an academic hospital full of pretty nurses all looking to bag an MD. You're about to have so many panties thrown at you, it's not even funny. You'll be fine. Just don't get anyone pregnant.
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So if the OP is female, what advice would you give?
 
Groove said:
Relax. You're about to be a single doc in an academic hospital full of pretty nurses all looking to bag an MD. You're about to have so many panties thrown at you, it's not even funny. You'll be fine. Just don't get anyone pregnant.
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rokshana said:
There are pretty nurses that are looking to bag an MD...
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TV show fantasies and how things were in the 80s =/= real life in 2019. Nearly every pretty one will have a bf or husband already. Remaining ones will have extremely high standards.
 
MedicineZ0Z said:
TV show fantasies and how things were in the 80s =/= real life in 2019. Nearly every pretty one will have a bf or husband already. Remaining ones will have extremely high standards.
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I speak from experience. Things can’t have changed THAT much in 10 yrs. Beware the panties! VERY distracting.

Also...if things don't work out...VERY uncomfortable when you rotate back through the ICU, etc.. the following year.
 
I dated a hot girl through College, through med school, and 1st 6 mo of residency. Never had an issues. Never fought. Same values. Same religion. Her parents and family loved me. My parents and family loved her. Talked about marriage/kids, etc.... on the same page.

I guess residency must have been too much for her, maybe I was too unavailable, maybe I wasn't the best boyfriend, maybe I didn't want to go out after a long shift, maybe I kept the place dirty, maybe I forgot to return a call.

Who knows but I know it wasn't anything major. I think I was alittle sad for about a week and moved on. Never called her, never texted, never emailed. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have fought harder. Probably could have gotten back together. She actually called me and showed up unannounced months later wanting to go out.

TOOOOOO late, found my future wife.

Point of story is if you break up, you should let it stay broken up.

Residency is about a 5-6 on the stress meter. Life/kids/unknown is 2x as bad.

I could be 15 yrs into marriage, 3 kids, and have her knock on the front door wanting a divorce.
 
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Groove said:
I speak from experience. Things can’t have changed THAT much in 10 yrs. Beware the panties! VERY distracting.

Also...if things don't work out...VERY uncomfortable when you rotate back through the ICU, etc.. the following year.
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Theres also something called misreading people and exaggeration. and things did change drastically in 10 years btw. Social media and apps had an enormous impact.
 
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emergentmd said:
I dated a hot girl through College, through med school, and 1st 6 mo of residency. Never had an issues. Never fought. Same values. Same religion. Her parents and family loved me. My parents and family loved her. Talked about marriage/kids, etc.... on the same page.

I guess residency must have been too much for her, maybe I was too unavailable, maybe I wasn't the best boyfriend, maybe I didn't want to go out after a long shift, maybe I kept the place dirty, maybe I forgot to return a call.

Who knows but I know it wasn't anything major. I think I was alittle sad for about a week and moved on. Never called her, never texted, never emailed. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have fought harder. Probably could have gotten back together. She actually called me and showed up unannounced months later wanting to go out.

TOOOOOO late, found my future wife.

Point of story is if you break up, you should let it stay broken up.

Residency is about a 5-6 on the stress meter. Life/kids/unknown is 2x as bad.

I could be 15 yrs into marriage, 3 kids, and have her knock on the front door wanting a divorce.
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You dated someone for almost 9 years and were “a little sad for about a week?” I mean.... Damn dude, that seems cold. I know I’d be a wreck after that long. (I was after 6 years)
 
OrthoTraumaMD said:
You dated someone for almost 9 years and were “a little sad for about a week?” I mean.... Damn dude, that seems cold. I know I’d be a wreck after that long. (I was after 6 years)
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When you are 25, working 80-100 hrs a week, constantly lacking sleep, caring for patients all day long there was little time to change something out of my control. Either continue to do a good job in residency or mull over something I had little control over. I chose to focus on what I had control over.

Cold? Maybe, but in life I worry about things I have control over. Things that I have little control over, I do my best and move on.

In Marriage/relationships it takes two. You just do your best, improve and the relationship should be stronger. But it takes another to put in the same effort. I can and happy to carry a relationship when my partner is weak but she has to carry it when I am weak.

Too many people think if they just keep at it, always trying to make a relationship work, always carry the load that their SO would change once they get married. The only thing marriage/kids does it make the load that much bigger to carry.

Again, if you break up during less stressful times then you will not make it through the most stressful times. When life gets difficult, your relationship should get stronger by working together. If both bicker during the difficult times, it will eventually fail.
 
OrthoTraumaMD said:
I don’t disagree there— I ended an engagement during residency, I feel ya.
But it’s a rare person who can move on quickly after a long time together. Things don’t translate well over the internet, I guess.
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To be honest, it sounds like they had already moved on, or were too depressed/miserable that they were numb. Either (or both?) likely contributed to the break-up regardless of who initiated it. Sounds like it worked out for the best though.
 
anxious4residency said:
So I had a bad breakup out of nowhere more than a month ago. My gf basically didnt like the idea of me moving away, as well as a couple of opinions I had about our future. She refuses to get back together. I went on vacation, talked to a bunch of people, but haven't been able to get over it. I'm worried about how I am going to function in a week, when she is on my mind all day, and I just feel uninterested about everything. I have tried dating others since then, but it hasn't been the same.
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She might come back after you're done when you start making that attending level money lol

But on a serious note it's her loss. If she can't understand the rigors of what you have to go through to make it she ain't worth it.
 
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