Breakup- lost and don't know what to do:

[woktheline]

[deleted]

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[EdgeTrimmer]

So yesterday my fiance [23/F] of just over 3 years said it was over. Quick, not much conversation. Needless to say, I am shattered, because it was only the night before where we were talking about our kids and futures as doctors together. Only an hour or two from a morning where she brought in coffee while I slept. She's always been so up front and honest about how she's feeling so this feels even more blindsided.

Anyway, without getting too personal, some of my pre-med journey was wrapped up in our being together. My distinguishing EC is a joint venture with her. We work in a lab together. Some of her family suggested significant help of our medical school tuition.

There's a lot of uncertainty around the situation, as we haven't been able to talk through it fully, so I don't want to concluded anything, but things keep bouncing around upstairs.

Still have to take a few more pre-reqs (older non-trad) and the MCAT - what on earth do I do? I'd need to move home (another state) where I wouldn't have my lab job (that both pays and I am able to publish research) or any ECs. But I also couldn't stay here - won't make enough to cover apartment, tuition, expenses as I was living with her family - because I don't have any real friends or family in the city I am in currently.

Sorry to hear about sudden change in your circumstances. Research should be the last thing you should think right now, publications are not needed. How many hours of clinical and non-clinical volunteering do you have as of now?

 

[Goro]

Very sorry to hear this. My advice:
1) don't react, respond. Come up with a plan
2) Be prepared to relocate, since your finances are now at risk
3) med schools aren't going anywhere. Take the time you need to prepare a good app
4) Talk to a counselor, a trust friend, faculty member, your PI....somebody

 

[HopeP]

So yesterday my fiance [23/F] of just over 3 years said it was over. Quick, not much conversation. Needless to say, I am shattered, because it was only the night before where we were talking about our kids and futures as doctors together. Only an hour or two from a morning where she brought in coffee while I slept. She's always been so up front and honest about how she's feeling so this feels even more blindsided.

Anyway, without getting too personal, some of my pre-med journey was wrapped up in our being together. My distinguishing EC is a joint venture with her. We work in a lab together. Some of her family suggested significant help of our medical school tuition.

There's a lot of uncertainty around the situation, as we haven't been able to talk through it fully, so I don't want to concluded anything, but things keep bouncing around upstairs.

Still have to take a few more pre-reqs (older non-trad) and the MCAT - what on earth do I do? I'd need to move home (another state) where I wouldn't have my lab job (that both pays and I am able to publish research) or any ECs. But I also couldn't stay here - won't make enough to cover apartment, tuition, expenses as I was living with her family - because I don't have any real friends or family in the city I am in currently.

It sounds like you hinged on the finance stability offered through fiance and family, even though you are non-trad, I assume you are ~25+, supposed to be mature by then (sorry if I may sound harsh) If you want to carve out your independence, you need to come up with a plan to respond and take care of your own carrier path.

 

[woktheline]

It sounds like you hinged on the finance stability offered through fiance and family, even though you are non-trad, I assume you are ~25+, supposed to be mature by then (sorry if I may sound harsh) If you want to carve out your independence, you need to come up with a plan to respond and take care of your own carrier path.

I understand. It does seem that way by how I phrased it. To be clear I do have plans otherwise to go to my in-state school and do my best and just accept some small amount of debt - her family's support just made it so we could go anywhere we got in and now I need to work around that luxury. I do have a good bit of personal savings that will help me bridge the gap.

 

[woktheline]

Very sorry to hear this. My advice:
1) don't react, respond. Come up with a plan
2) Be prepared to relocate, since your finances are now at risk
3) med schools aren't going anywhere. Take the time you need to prepare a good app
4) Talk to a counselor, a trust friend, faculty member, your PI....somebody

Thank you so much for this. I am hearing more or less the same thing.

 

[woktheline]

Sorry to hear about sudden change in your circumstances. Research should be the last thing you should think right now, publications are not needed. How many hours of clinical and non-clinical volunteering do you have as of now?

Definitely, I just mean more in terms of my PI being a critical letter of recommendation and a (somewhat) paying job.

 

[HopeP]

Definitely, I just mean more in terms of my PI being a critical letter of recommendation and a (somewhat) paying job.

You may move to the area where rent is relatively affordable, ofc, that is going to generate hardship for commute but you are able to cultivate the contribution you have done in research and an established relationship with PI, rather than do over at strange lab place and hoping for best outcome.

 

[EdgeTrimmer]

Definitely, I just mean more in terms of my PI being a critical letter of recommendation and a (somewhat) paying job.

How much more work left in the lab?

 

[deleted1041819]

Something similar happened to me with my only long-term relationship; I was dumped right outside of my train station right before I had to move cities for a new job. I am also not that very well off financially, as I do not make a lot of money in this job and am paying off student loans. OP, you are caught in a sh*tty situation, and you have my empathy. Breakups are HARD. So I can tell you what I ended up doing -

So are you in school now? Are student loans an option? I ended up taking out a hefty loan that would cover not just my tuition but also my housing when I was in undergrad. Granted, this ended up being <50k because I had quite a few scholarships and grants, but it definitely helped me take the pressure off. On top of working three jobs in school, I did not want to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck and sacrifice healthy food/decent housing. So I took out a private loan. I have already started paying it off from my savings throughout high school till now and figure my salary post-residency will help me with whatever is left by then. I live quite modestly and only splurge on groceries because I refuse to sacrifice healthy eating.

Re MCAT: My plan was to take two gap years (I am now in my second), so I canceled my MCAT which I was going to take that summer, and rescheduled for the following MCAT cycle. This worked out VERY well for me considering the fact that I was an emotional mess after my breakup.

I also found a therapist to talk to since I didn't have a strong support system in my new work area when I moved. I think this helped me a lot. Luckily, my insurance covered 100% of my counseling appointments and I had no co-pay.

All of these things worked for me. I am glad I didn't push myself to deal with things that I knew I wasn't equipped to deal with and I think it made me a stronger person as a result. I wish you all the best and remember to take care of your physical and emotional needs before you get your application stuff dealt with.

 

[RangerBob]

It sounds like you hinged on the finance stability offered through fiance and family, even though you are non-trad, I assume you are ~25+, supposed to be mature by then (sorry if I may sound harsh) If you want to carve out your independence, you need to come up with a plan to respond and take care of your own carrier path.

I am not sure why planning ones financial future based on mutual resources isn’t mature. The OP didn’t have much money but his/her fiancé did, and they had a plan to cover current living expenses and med school tuition. After the OP finished med school, their fiancé (probably wife at that point) would benefit from the OP’s physician income. Now that plan is asunder and the OP is emotionally torn up as well as worried about making basic ends meet—all of which sounds like a normal response from a mature adult who just lost someone they were about to call their wife.

My wife relied more on me for financial support while we were dating since she’s was from a lower SES. But she’s better looking than me and shares her higher level of emotional intelligence with me, so maybe I’m the one getting the bargain.

OP-I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going though. Breaks ups are tough-more so when you’re engaged. My advice is that same as the wise Goro’s above. Take care of yourself first. Get your life sorted out first, then get the med school apps stuff together-there are opportunities everywhere. As they say, when one door closes, another opens.

 

[woktheline]

How much more work left in the lab?

I pledged a few years - we both assumed (we both work together there) that we'd work in it up until medical school.

 

[woktheline]

Something similar happened to me with my only long-term relationship; I was dumped right outside of my train station right before I had to move cities for a new job. I am also not that very well off financially, as I do not make a lot of money in this job and am paying off student loans. OP, you are caught in a sh*tty situation, and you have my empathy. Breakups are HARD. So I can tell you what I ended up doing -

So are you in school now? Are student loans an option? I ended up taking out a hefty loan that would cover not just my tuition but also my housing when I was in undergrad. Granted, this ended up being <50k because I had quite a few scholarships and grants, but it definitely helped me take the pressure off. On top of working three jobs in school, I did not want to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck and sacrifice healthy food/decent housing. So I took out a private loan. I have already started paying it off from my savings throughout high school till now and figure my salary post-residency will help me with whatever is left by then. I live quite modestly and only splurge on groceries because I refuse to sacrifice healthy eating.

Re MCAT: My plan was to take two gap years (I am now in my second), so I canceled my MCAT which I was going to take that summer, and rescheduled for the following MCAT cycle. This worked out VERY well for me considering the fact that I was an emotional mess after my breakup.

I also found a therapist to talk to since I didn't have a strong support system in my new work area when I moved. I think this helped me a lot. Luckily, my insurance covered 100% of my counseling appointments and I had no co-pay.

All of these things worked for me. I am glad I didn't push myself to deal with things that I knew I wasn't equipped to deal with and I think it made me a stronger person as a result. I wish you all the best and remember to take care of your physical and emotional needs before you get your application stuff dealt with.

1) I am finishing up some prereqs - I was an English and philosophy major in college, then got an MS in epidemiology. So I have approx 4-5 classes left + MCAT
2) I definitely think I will find a therapist. I want to work on myself emotionally because that's what she used to find most issue with me, I think.

3) Luckily, regarding space to heal, I will have a space in the action the next few weeks. No lab, no class. The problem is I find that horrifying. I've never really liked unstructured free time, so I am really worried about having nothing to do being at home with my family and letting it all stew. At least I won't be in her city for a bit, maybe that'll help.

But thank you so much for this - I hope you've recovered since yours

 

[woktheline]

I am not sure why planning ones financial future based on mutual resources isn’t mature. The OP didn’t have much money but his/her fiancé did, and they had a plan to cover current living expenses and med school tuition. After the OP finished med school, their fiancé (probably wife at that point) would benefit from the OP’s physician income. Now that plan is asunder and the OP is emotionally torn up as well as worried about making basic ends meet—all of which sounds like a normal response from a mature adult who just lost someone they were about to call their wife.

My wife relied more on me for financial support while we were dating since she’s was from a lower SES. But she’s better looking than me and shares her higher level of emotional intelligence with me, so maybe I’m the one getting the bargain.

OP-I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going though. Breaks ups are tough-more so when you’re engaged. My advice is that same as the wise Goro’s above. Take care of yourself first. Get your life sorted out first, then get the med school apps stuff together-there are opportunities everywhere. As they say, when one door closes, another opens.

I can attest to this. Also thank you for the support. I definitely loved her more than anything and am willing to work through things, but maybe she doesn't feel that way anymore and I just need to make peace with that. I know what you mean about emotional intelligence - she was the most emotionally responsive and perceptive person I've ever met.

So I have some savings that I was planning for our first house (it's modest and would barely cover a semester of med school) so at least there's that. I've also received an offer to cover my tuition and housing for the next year to stay on track.

Thank you so much for this again.

 

[Deltasidearm]

I am truly sorry for the challenges you're currently working through.

I may be off the mark here, but to me your post hints that maybe you are rethinking the medical path altogether. If so, I truly suggest taking an honest introspective look at yourself and your motivations for medicine. You may find medicine is not the correct path for you any longer if your primary motivation revolved around your partner.

 

[woktheline]

I am truly sorry for the challenges you're currently working through.

I may be off the mark here, but to me your post hints that maybe you are rethinking the medical path altogether. If so, I truly suggest taking an honest introspective look at yourself and your motivations for medicine. You may find medicine is not the correct path for you any longer if your primary motivation revolved around your partner.

Thank you for this - I am absolutely not rethinking it. If anything, I feel more motivated to pursue it in spite of the circumstances.
But yes, a large portion of it is what we would build together - maybe I just have a different focus now.

 

[HouseJC]

Hello! I'm sorry to hear what you are going through; especially with the holiday season around the corner. Break-ups are always painful, especially with a long-term relationship.

You will have a lot of free time, so I suggest you structure the time around some hobbies (i.e. learn something new, go for virtual workouts, etc), so your mind doesn't go into a negative rut and you adapt a growth-oriented mindset. A positive view on life will also help during the long and grueling process of medical school applications. Furthermore, I don't mean to poke fun at your situation and what you are going through, but I believe that this experience, you will also get mentally and emotionally stronger. Positive vibes to you

 

[Angus Avagadro]

Don't lose sight of the prize. Your goal is still to get into med school. Your personal situation is gut wrenching for sure. Don't let her decision change your relationship with the PI or the lab. You may have to change what schools you apply to due to cost. You still have to complete your App and hit the MCAT. This will require some grit as you're reeling from this. Dont rush things, take the MCAT when you are absolutely ready. Keep a relationship with your PI. Try to be civil with your fiancé. Bitterness will eat you alive. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[HopeP]

I am not sure why planning ones financial future based on mutual resources isn’t mature. The OP didn’t have much money but his/her fiancé did, and they had a plan to cover current living expenses and med school tuition. After the OP finished med school, their fiancé (probably wife at that point) would benefit from the OP’s physician income. Now that plan is asunder and the OP is emotionally torn up as well as worried about making basic ends meet—all of which sounds like a normal response from a mature adult who just lost someone they were about to call their wife.

My wife relied more on me for financial support while we were dating since she’s was from a lower SES. But she’s better looking than me and shares her higher level of emotional intelligence with me, so maybe I’m the one getting the bargain.

OP-I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going though. Breaks ups are tough-more so when you’re engaged. My advice is that same as the wise Goro’s above. Take care of yourself first. Get your life sorted out first, then get the med school apps stuff together-there are opportunities everywhere. As they say, when one door closes, another opens.

Relationship just doesn't asunder from a night before kids and family discussion. Glad it worked out in your case.
Key word used here is 'planning ones financial', in this case OP planning just seems a 2nd wheel but not a serious planning, otherwise it would have included a failure in relationship as well.