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Found this as I perused the "Best of craigslist"--always a good source of entertainment. Found it entertaining, enlightening, and just a good read for those of us about to embark on a life of working with cancer patients. Maybe some of the more senior people on the board could even chime in with some cliche sayings that they've learned to avoid, to help us young'uns out. Without further ado...
In February of this year I was diagnosed with advanced Hodgkins Lymphoma. I went through eight months of chemotherapy, everything looks really good, and now I am just waiting my post-chemo scans to indicate remission. I am finally done with chemo. Woop woop. This is very good news for me. Im real happy about it and I am excited to get on with my life.
I was a good cancer patient no, a great cancer patient. I was tough. I didnt curl up in a ball and hide, I faced it, I sucked it up, and got through it. Im not looking for a medal, I just want to preface what I am going to say with the fact that I am not whiney or self-pitying, and that I realize that I am not the only one whos had to deal with this crap, and that theres worse things that could have happened to me. I have a wonderful family and caring friends that have formed a very lovely support system for me. I cannot thank them enough for all their help and love.
That said, heres my rant This goes out to everyone I know friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, radiologists, technicians, friends of friends, exes, and others
1. There is no good kind of cancer. Yes, this kind of cancer at my stage has an 80-85% survival rate. Thats great, I am happy about that really, I am, but that doesnt make it good or any better than any other kind of cancer. Cancer is a scary thing, the treatment is excruciating, and at the end of the day, if you happen to get lucky and be one of the 15-20% that dont survive, that statistic turns from a good one to a not-so-great one. Really. Thats like one out of five. Can you think of five friends? Picture them. If one of them up and died would you consider it a good number of them? I didnt think so. So please, dont tell me I got the good kind of cancer dont even suggest it. Dont even say, Well, at least you didnt get _________ cancer, that would really suck. Uh, hello, this pretty much REALLY sucks. Next time you get cancer Ill ask you if you think the kind you got is good.
2. Dont tell me things I dont want to hear. For some reason, it occurred several times that when I told someone what I was going through (which is kinda awkward anyway), they would say something to the effect of OH, my (mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, insert any other relative or even remote acquaintance here) just died last year of cancer. Or Right, my (insert distant relative here) died of Hodgkins. What the hell?? I have been diagnosed with a terrible disease and am undergoing intensive and debilitating treatment, and youre going to tell me about someone dying? What? Seriously? Its better just to not chime in here. Again, next time you get cancer, Ill try this line out on you and you can let me know what you think.
3. DO NOT ask me about my hair. With the kind of chemo I had, my hair started falling out around treatment #3, slowly at first, then lots at a time until I finally, and very sadly, shaved my head. THAT WAS REALLY HARD TO DO. Its about a lot of things its about vanity and feeling ugly, its about the stigma of being sick and that being obvious to the world, its about knowing or not who you are without your hair/eyelashes/eyebrows, its complicated. And, I take ownership of the fact that some of that is really superficial **** but its very real and its emotional. So, comments like Hows your hair doing? Wow, its really thinning out! So is your hair just coming out in handfuls? and Is that a wig? are not helpful and WILL make me cry. If you think this is stupid or oversensitive, let me say it again: next time you get cancer let me know how this goes.
4. Dont tell me its going to be ok. Bottom line is this I know I want everything to be ok, and I know you want everything to be ok you wouldnt be my friend/involved family member if that werent the case. Unfortunately, we BOTH know that it just might not be ok. We BOTH know that there exists the possibility that its not going to be ok and that the disease isnt going to respond, or is going to come back, and that even if I am tough and brave, it could kill me. I have had to deal with that idea since the word cancer came out of the doctors mouth. In that moment, and in the hours and days to come, I knew that it could happen that everything was not going to be ok. If I didnt know that, cancer wouldnt be such a big deal. If that werent a possibility, we wouldnt have shed tears when we heard the news. So, for my sake, dont say that line. I know its the first thing that comes to mind, and I know you mean it well, but try something else that actually means something, like: Whenever you need anything Ill be there or This is going to be rough but Im here for you or Im on my way over with a last seasons Top Model or even just Give em hell, sista. I know you may not get it, but next time you get cancer well share profound understanding when I tell you that I know it may not be ok and that I know thats real scary.
5. Dont comment about my weight. Ok, heres something that I didnt know before I started this. Chemotherapy is NOT a weight loss plan YES, they have indeed discontinued all the fringe benefits from the cancer card membership. Turns out, they give you steroids that make you hungry all the damned time. And, you feel like complete **** and dont even have enough energy to walk up the stairs, much less to exercise. In the beginning when I was still trying to figure out how to deal with ****ty side effects like constant vomiting, painful mouth sores, etc, I lost weight because I just literally couldnt eat. But once I got that under control, the hunger would come on, and man, I can eat a lot. I was in pretty good shape (at the gym five days a week, healthy foods, etc) when all this started and now I have gained weight and am up a pants size. The once-muscle has turned into mushy fat and Im not happy about it, but during treatment there was just no fix. So, the wow, youve put a couple on, havent you? or I thought you lose weight on chemo comments are not helpful and again, will make me cry. Next time you get cancer, see how you feel when I tell you to hit the gym.
6. Chemotherapy sucks. I think everyone knows that I dont know what the first thing is that pops into your head when you read that word, but I would venture to guess that its not something warm and smiley. It sucks, it really sucks. You vomit, are nauseated (which is so much worse than vomiting) all the time, you get terrible headaches, you cant sleep, you get sores in your mouth and chronic yeast infections, you get seriously seriously constipated, your brain malfunctions and you cant remember how to get to the bus stop or where you normally leave the toothpaste, your whole body hurts, your toenails fall off (wtf? Yeah) and now they give you shots to stimulate white blood cell production (at least in my case) that cause relentless, incapacitating pain that made you simply want to give up on living just to make it stop. Ok, I said it, chemotherapy sucks and I am really good at being tough and not letting everyone know all the ****ty stuff thats happening to me at once, but you know it sucks. So, no, I am not interested in hearing you whine about a cold you think youre getting, your scratchy throat, your eye/ear/sinus infection, your sleepiness, your headache, etc. I know you really dont feel good, but cmon man, suck it up or at least go tell someone else who doesnt have cancer. Next time you get it, youll drop kick the dingus that spends ten minutes talking about how bad their hangover is.
7. Its a REALLY long road. Eight months is a long time to be sick. It just is, and I KNOW (I really know) that it gets old. In the beginning everyone called all the time, offered to go to chemo with me, sent lots of e-mails, came over to visit when I was sick .but after the months drag on its like people get sick of it. I understand that cause I got pretty sick of it too. I got sick of calling in to work, not doing anything fun, not seeing anyone .even just answering the damned How are you feeling? question .I felt like it was better to lie and say fine than to say how I really felt because people kind of dont know how to react or dont want to hear it. I have a wonderful husband and mother who took exceptional care of me, even when they needed a break, even when it got old, even when they got sick of hearing me say I felt like ****. They did that because they knew I needed them. I needed other people too, I needed girlfriends to just come over with a movie or a dvd of a funny tv show, or to call me on the days they knew I had treatment, or to just call when they hadnt heard from me in days. Some did and some didnt. You know who you are and why you didnt. Maybe you didnt feel comfortable or maybe you were too busy. Regardless, I love you, and I will do it for you the next time you get cancer.
I really, really hope you never get cancer. I mean that for everyone even if youre a jerk, even if you write to me and rant meaningless bull**** about my rant, even if you really deserve to have something nasty happen to you I hope you dont get cancer. Its awful. Im not one of those Im a survivor! types, Im not one of those in-your-face super tough post-cancer freaks, Im really normal and I will get over this. That said, if you do get cancer or if your friend or (insert any relative here) gets cancer, you can bet your bottom dollar that if/when I hear about it Ill be on your/their doorstep with a big teary welcome to the cancer club hug and a mop and bucket to clean the floors, or popcorn and a dvd for the kids, or dinner so you/they dont have to make it, or whatever it takes, for as long as it takes and you wont have to ask for it, and you wont have to say thanks, because well both just know. Its a special club and we take care of our own.
In February of this year I was diagnosed with advanced Hodgkins Lymphoma. I went through eight months of chemotherapy, everything looks really good, and now I am just waiting my post-chemo scans to indicate remission. I am finally done with chemo. Woop woop. This is very good news for me. Im real happy about it and I am excited to get on with my life.
I was a good cancer patient no, a great cancer patient. I was tough. I didnt curl up in a ball and hide, I faced it, I sucked it up, and got through it. Im not looking for a medal, I just want to preface what I am going to say with the fact that I am not whiney or self-pitying, and that I realize that I am not the only one whos had to deal with this crap, and that theres worse things that could have happened to me. I have a wonderful family and caring friends that have formed a very lovely support system for me. I cannot thank them enough for all their help and love.
That said, heres my rant This goes out to everyone I know friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, radiologists, technicians, friends of friends, exes, and others
1. There is no good kind of cancer. Yes, this kind of cancer at my stage has an 80-85% survival rate. Thats great, I am happy about that really, I am, but that doesnt make it good or any better than any other kind of cancer. Cancer is a scary thing, the treatment is excruciating, and at the end of the day, if you happen to get lucky and be one of the 15-20% that dont survive, that statistic turns from a good one to a not-so-great one. Really. Thats like one out of five. Can you think of five friends? Picture them. If one of them up and died would you consider it a good number of them? I didnt think so. So please, dont tell me I got the good kind of cancer dont even suggest it. Dont even say, Well, at least you didnt get _________ cancer, that would really suck. Uh, hello, this pretty much REALLY sucks. Next time you get cancer Ill ask you if you think the kind you got is good.
2. Dont tell me things I dont want to hear. For some reason, it occurred several times that when I told someone what I was going through (which is kinda awkward anyway), they would say something to the effect of OH, my (mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, insert any other relative or even remote acquaintance here) just died last year of cancer. Or Right, my (insert distant relative here) died of Hodgkins. What the hell?? I have been diagnosed with a terrible disease and am undergoing intensive and debilitating treatment, and youre going to tell me about someone dying? What? Seriously? Its better just to not chime in here. Again, next time you get cancer, Ill try this line out on you and you can let me know what you think.
3. DO NOT ask me about my hair. With the kind of chemo I had, my hair started falling out around treatment #3, slowly at first, then lots at a time until I finally, and very sadly, shaved my head. THAT WAS REALLY HARD TO DO. Its about a lot of things its about vanity and feeling ugly, its about the stigma of being sick and that being obvious to the world, its about knowing or not who you are without your hair/eyelashes/eyebrows, its complicated. And, I take ownership of the fact that some of that is really superficial **** but its very real and its emotional. So, comments like Hows your hair doing? Wow, its really thinning out! So is your hair just coming out in handfuls? and Is that a wig? are not helpful and WILL make me cry. If you think this is stupid or oversensitive, let me say it again: next time you get cancer let me know how this goes.
4. Dont tell me its going to be ok. Bottom line is this I know I want everything to be ok, and I know you want everything to be ok you wouldnt be my friend/involved family member if that werent the case. Unfortunately, we BOTH know that it just might not be ok. We BOTH know that there exists the possibility that its not going to be ok and that the disease isnt going to respond, or is going to come back, and that even if I am tough and brave, it could kill me. I have had to deal with that idea since the word cancer came out of the doctors mouth. In that moment, and in the hours and days to come, I knew that it could happen that everything was not going to be ok. If I didnt know that, cancer wouldnt be such a big deal. If that werent a possibility, we wouldnt have shed tears when we heard the news. So, for my sake, dont say that line. I know its the first thing that comes to mind, and I know you mean it well, but try something else that actually means something, like: Whenever you need anything Ill be there or This is going to be rough but Im here for you or Im on my way over with a last seasons Top Model or even just Give em hell, sista. I know you may not get it, but next time you get cancer well share profound understanding when I tell you that I know it may not be ok and that I know thats real scary.
5. Dont comment about my weight. Ok, heres something that I didnt know before I started this. Chemotherapy is NOT a weight loss plan YES, they have indeed discontinued all the fringe benefits from the cancer card membership. Turns out, they give you steroids that make you hungry all the damned time. And, you feel like complete **** and dont even have enough energy to walk up the stairs, much less to exercise. In the beginning when I was still trying to figure out how to deal with ****ty side effects like constant vomiting, painful mouth sores, etc, I lost weight because I just literally couldnt eat. But once I got that under control, the hunger would come on, and man, I can eat a lot. I was in pretty good shape (at the gym five days a week, healthy foods, etc) when all this started and now I have gained weight and am up a pants size. The once-muscle has turned into mushy fat and Im not happy about it, but during treatment there was just no fix. So, the wow, youve put a couple on, havent you? or I thought you lose weight on chemo comments are not helpful and again, will make me cry. Next time you get cancer, see how you feel when I tell you to hit the gym.
6. Chemotherapy sucks. I think everyone knows that I dont know what the first thing is that pops into your head when you read that word, but I would venture to guess that its not something warm and smiley. It sucks, it really sucks. You vomit, are nauseated (which is so much worse than vomiting) all the time, you get terrible headaches, you cant sleep, you get sores in your mouth and chronic yeast infections, you get seriously seriously constipated, your brain malfunctions and you cant remember how to get to the bus stop or where you normally leave the toothpaste, your whole body hurts, your toenails fall off (wtf? Yeah) and now they give you shots to stimulate white blood cell production (at least in my case) that cause relentless, incapacitating pain that made you simply want to give up on living just to make it stop. Ok, I said it, chemotherapy sucks and I am really good at being tough and not letting everyone know all the ****ty stuff thats happening to me at once, but you know it sucks. So, no, I am not interested in hearing you whine about a cold you think youre getting, your scratchy throat, your eye/ear/sinus infection, your sleepiness, your headache, etc. I know you really dont feel good, but cmon man, suck it up or at least go tell someone else who doesnt have cancer. Next time you get it, youll drop kick the dingus that spends ten minutes talking about how bad their hangover is.
7. Its a REALLY long road. Eight months is a long time to be sick. It just is, and I KNOW (I really know) that it gets old. In the beginning everyone called all the time, offered to go to chemo with me, sent lots of e-mails, came over to visit when I was sick .but after the months drag on its like people get sick of it. I understand that cause I got pretty sick of it too. I got sick of calling in to work, not doing anything fun, not seeing anyone .even just answering the damned How are you feeling? question .I felt like it was better to lie and say fine than to say how I really felt because people kind of dont know how to react or dont want to hear it. I have a wonderful husband and mother who took exceptional care of me, even when they needed a break, even when it got old, even when they got sick of hearing me say I felt like ****. They did that because they knew I needed them. I needed other people too, I needed girlfriends to just come over with a movie or a dvd of a funny tv show, or to call me on the days they knew I had treatment, or to just call when they hadnt heard from me in days. Some did and some didnt. You know who you are and why you didnt. Maybe you didnt feel comfortable or maybe you were too busy. Regardless, I love you, and I will do it for you the next time you get cancer.
I really, really hope you never get cancer. I mean that for everyone even if youre a jerk, even if you write to me and rant meaningless bull**** about my rant, even if you really deserve to have something nasty happen to you I hope you dont get cancer. Its awful. Im not one of those Im a survivor! types, Im not one of those in-your-face super tough post-cancer freaks, Im really normal and I will get over this. That said, if you do get cancer or if your friend or (insert any relative here) gets cancer, you can bet your bottom dollar that if/when I hear about it Ill be on your/their doorstep with a big teary welcome to the cancer club hug and a mop and bucket to clean the floors, or popcorn and a dvd for the kids, or dinner so you/they dont have to make it, or whatever it takes, for as long as it takes and you wont have to ask for it, and you wont have to say thanks, because well both just know. Its a special club and we take care of our own.