Classic tragic burnout (warning: long post)

[socorro]

Ok guys. It's my first post here. I've been avoiding it, trying to tell myself I shouldn't care what strangers think of me and just pull my **** together. But it's come down to this...I need your advice. I've been following the posts of a lot of you guys, googling answers to my uncertain future and landing myself here time and again. Please give me some advice, empathy, a kick in the butt, whatever you can spare...

I'm almost 20 years old, female, and I was the ultimate beast of a premed since 10 years old. I know that's obnoxious but it is what it is. Now I think it might have been a coping mechanism for my dad's death. I was studying medical terminology and watching "Trauma: Life in the ER" telling myself this was what I wanted. I read medical narratives in my spare time--you name it, I've read it. I can suture like a champ. I saved up for and bought a light microscope at age 14. (lame!) I was tested as gifted "top 2% of the state's students" upon going into high school.* I worked my butt off to get to where I am (3.97 mostly honors GPA in high school, AP credits, worked full time senior year HS) Blah, blah, blah...
*(That really means "highly predisposed to severe mental and social issues," I've come to learn. Most of the other kids were savants/had asperger's/autism/etc.)

I applaud you if you're still reading. My dad was a family physician who also worked in the ER. He died of a morphine overdose at age 35, when I was 8. He was a really smart/cool guy--his death screwed me up a lot (or instigated the screwy-ness perhaps). Apparently he was dealing with depression, and eventually ended up medicating himself, becoming addicted to drugs. I think I got all the fun neurotransmitter imbalance stuff from him--hooray depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, ADD, OCD, etc! Depression is cancer of the mind--in its true form as a severe clinical disorder it is devastating in every sense of the word. Not wanting to be alive is pathological, I know that for sure. I've been on and off antidepressants since age 8. I've rejected and denied it time and time again, but I have depression for sure. And it's magnified itself since I came to college.

Anyways, I am here at a state uni and on scholarship based on economic disadvantaged background (2 sets of twins plus 1 = 5 kids under the care of a widowed mother). I worked so hard because I hoped I would be able to give her the world someday. But I am falling apart, burnt out on school, underperforming since coming here. I shoulda coulda woulda taken time off before stepping foot in another classroom after high school, but what's done is done.

Spanish Translation and Physiology majors
4 semesters

Damage:
cGPA 3.5
sGPA 3.2 😱

Worst damage:
Pretty much all B's in science prereqs (gen chem, ochem), C in calc 1.
Might get a C in ochem lab 2, and even in Physio 201 this semester. *mega-ouch*
Still need to take ochem lecture 2, and calc 2.

I have a 4.0 in my Spanish major though.

I don't know if I can take time off, or if I should. But I really feel like it would help right now. I'm worried I've screwed up my chances at med school, or at least made an already long journey much longer via a needed postbac/Masters to up my sGPA. I think about it every day--I sit down to study, and start down this evil spiral of "you're not good enough, you don't want this enough, you won't make it in, etc." And as I think about it more, I start thinking maybe I don't really want it as bad as I thought. I've been dreading the thought of med school lately. I used to look forward to it. Been thinking about easier alternatives, but I know I would regret it. I do have the mind for a doc. But my spirit is so tired. I need some wins, but depression has kept hitting me down. Do I take time off, or keep charging ahead? Drop the Physio major and just be a Spanish translator for a while, then come back to this all later? I think I need to grow as a person before I take even one more step.

Mucho thanks to you if you read through all of this. 🙂 I so very appreciate the help/feedback. So low on self-esteem right now.

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[BadHorse]

...

First off, seems like you could use someone to talk to. Go to your school's psychologist, clinical depression's not something to be ****ed around with, don't let it fester. No one on this forum can help you with that.


Second... seems like you're way too hard on yourself. All the "I'm so screwed up" crap... yeah, we all are. It's ok to be messed up. It's the human condition. Your grades are mediocre but fine, you seem to be pretty on track to getting into med school.

If the stress is getting to you (and it seems like that's a big 10-4) and you need a break, well... you know yourself. Do what you gotta do, but again, talk to someone, get some help because that stuff can drag you down to depths unfathomable.

 

[Wermz]

Our backgrounds are similar. The pressure you put on yourself can only build so much. You gotta take time to do you.

Keep your chin up; you're young and you have a lot more figured out than you realize.

edit: Oh yeah, and surround yourself with good people. That's huge. People you can talk to, people who love you, people who give you drugs wait wut

 

[Slowpoke]

Well, the fact that you are opening up and trying to reach out for advice is a good sign. Though not much can be done by strangers over the internet, there are personal counselors/psychologists at your school who have specialized in helping students with a variety of different problems succeed.

Take advantage of it. Hang in there.

 

[Fishin316]

Hey don't feel bad about posting this (and ignore any of the crap that people give you on here). It seems like you been carry a huge burden for years and I'm sure that that is tough, and I'm sure your depression makes it even tougher.

Keep at it, your down but your not out. College is extremely stressful and it comes in waves. But you dont have to put that much pressure on yourself, sometimes that only makes it tougher.

As to what you should do, I can't really help you. I don't think your out of medical school with a sGPA of 3.2, I think you still have a shot with one or two decent semesters.

Take life one day at a time, you can't look forward or else you will be overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

One of the best quotes I have ever heard is by William Osler (a truly great doctor)
-- "Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day absorb all your interest, energy and enthusiasm. The best preparation for tomorrow is to live today superbly well."

Keep in there

 

[womp]

Um, top 2% among high schoolers is hardly savant category, considering that only 30% of American high schoolers graduate college.

I'm pretty sure most medical students scored 99th percentile on the stupid Iowa or Stanford tests in high school.

A 42+ MCAT and a 270+ Step 1, then you might be in the savant category. Otherwise, you're pretty normal.

For the moment you sound like a pretty typical premed who might have poor study habits that need to be resolved. And most people don't take a break after high school, so I don't understand the "coulda, shoulda."

 

[gymhaze58]

I think about it every day--I sit down to study, and start down this evil spiral of "you're not good enough, you don't want this enough, you won't make it in, etc." And as I think about it more, I start thinking maybe I don't really want it as bad as I thought.

I've had these thoughts too, they suck. The more I think about it, the more depressed and anxious i get; it really is a vicious cycle. Your GPA really is not that bad, for all that you've been through a 3.5 gpa is great. If you work hard and boost your grades up from here you can definitely make it into med school.

But more importantly you do have to consider whether its right for you and whether you really want this to at the risk of your own health. Being a pre-med is a ton of stress, along with all the EC's and other stuff we have to do to impress med schools. I'm worried that my own problems with anxiety and depression will come back to bite me when if I make it into med school; that was one of the major reasons I decided to go get medical help. I wana take care of this now, im not sure il be able to handle the stress of med school with the baggage of an anxiety disorder. It's ok to take a semester or so off, ease up on the EC's. Take care of yourself first, remember to breath. Look at the good things you've done in the past when you're thinking that you're not good enough to be accepted into med school. There are plenty of us pre-meds out there who are in your position, your not alone. Im sure you've heard this all before, but take care of the basics too: exercise, proper diet, proper amounts of sleep (good luck, ive never been able to do this one) and definitely surround yourself with people you can talk to. Going through it alone is the worst.

 

[kcin]

Um, top 2% among high schoolers is hardly savant category, considering that only 30% of American high schoolers graduate college.

I'm pretty sure most medical students scored 99th percentile on the stupid Iowa or Stanford tests in high school.

A 42+ MCAT and a 270+ Step 1, then you might be in the savant category. Otherwise, you're pretty normal.

For the moment you sound like a pretty typical premed who might have poor study habits that need to be resolved. And most people don't take a break after high school, so I don't understand the "coulda, shoulda."

Thank you for shattering the delusions.

 

[dawgbone]

I was the ultimate beast of a premed since 10 years old.

 

[SouthParkMD]

Look im not really sure that your in that bad of a situation in terms of admissions. Your GPAs seem ok (though sGPA seems a little low). Take more science classes to raise that and your current GPA and you should be fine. There are people on here with A LOT lower gpas (me for example). So you aren't even that bad off.

As for depression and anxiety, I suffer from that myself. Though my father is thankfully alive, there are a lot of other things that happened to me that led me to it. My advice would be to talk to a counselor or psychiatrist. It took me a long time to do it as my grades suffered and I wish that I had done it earlier. Maybe consider SSRIs or other medications if you need it. Pull through, you CAN and WILL do this. This is what I tell myself everyday even if it doesn't seem like I will.

Good luck.

 

[SouthParkMD]

Um, top 2% among high schoolers is hardly savant category, considering that only 30% of American high schoolers graduate college.

I'm pretty sure most medical students scored 99th percentile on the stupid Iowa or Stanford tests in high school.

A 42+ MCAT and a 270+ Step 1, then you might be in the savant category. Otherwise, you're pretty normal.

For the moment you sound like a pretty typical premed who might have poor study habits that need to be resolved. And most people don't take a break after high school, so I don't understand the "coulda, shoulda."

Did you even read the OP's post before replying?

 

[startoverat40]

you're almost 20, and i'm almost 40. I went through tough times too when I was in college, and after I got rejected twice, i gave up, cause i let the self doubt and self criticism get to me. and I let family talk me out of it. after changing careers a couple times, i kept denying that i wanted to try again to get into medicine. now i've decided to put the self doubt aside. i've decided to stop doubting that i want it, and that i can do it.

if you need to take some time off, then do it, and get some counseling. I wish I had done that. you still have lots of time. if you show an improvement trend in your grades going forward, med schools won't hold your bad start against you. put what you wrote here in your personal statement.

don't give up. hold your head up. at least you are aware of your predisposition to depression. don't let it get out of control. keep getting counseling and meds if you need it, take time off if you need it, and keep going. you'll get there, I'm sure of it 🙂

 

[NYBills987]

You are through 4 semesters and have a 3.5... you are by no means dead in the water, but you will have to change your study habits... I know some people who really picked it up later on and got their GPA up, and only half of yours is decided for you. You need to go talk to the professors of these classes straight up and get some advice and maybe find a study group in the classes you are struggling in. You will have to step it up, but you can definitely do it. As for the getting burnt out section, getting some counseling might not be a bad thing or finding a hobby to get your mind off of work when you arent studying (such as yoga or running or reading or something)

 

[Lunasly]

Um, top 2% among high schoolers is hardly savant category, considering that only 30% of American high schoolers graduate college.

I'm pretty sure most medical students scored 99th percentile on the stupid Iowa or Stanford tests in high school.

A 42+ MCAT and a 270+ Step 1, then you might be in the savant category. Otherwise, you're pretty normal.

For the moment you sound like a pretty typical premed who might have poor study habits that need to be resolved. And most people don't take a break after high school, so I don't understand the "coulda, shoulda."

You're an ass bag...

---

Sorry to hear what's happening, but you are just way to stressed out. I am wondering if a counsellor could recommend a leave of absence because then you might be able to get a document stating why you had to take time off when applying to medical school. My reasoning may be wrong, but it was always my impression that medical schools don't want to see you take time off during the middle of the school year.

 

[docelh]

Couple of observations that seem obvious (to me):

1. Internal pressure is too high. We all need some to prevent us from being slackers, but too much can self-detrimental. If you hit a setback as everyone tends to do, it can send you into degenerating spiral if you lack coping skills (which you seem to lack given what you wrote).

2. It's hard to tell if you took on too much science in one semester, but that may be it or not as well.

 

[CurrySpice]

Go find a counselor to talk about your problems. Then go to your academic support center and have a tutor help you with your science classes. You're not out of the running yet but you know that you need to step it up to be competitive. Being better than others in HS doesn't mean much, so now you need to prove that you're more dedicated/smarter than others in college.

! Problem solved !

 

[whatbout2morrow]

Definitely take a break and relax. Get involved in something meaningful. Find someone you can talk to (preferably a professional).

You'll be back refreshed and feeling better than ever, and ready to go.

 

[sc4s2cg]

Go to your school's Counseling Department (ours is in the health center), the Psychologists are usually fantastic at helping you deal with negative thoughts ("stinkin' thinkin'), helping you realize how lucky you are, putting things in perspective, giving "homework" to do that actually helps.

Check it out. 🙂

 

[womp]

You're an ass bag...

Did you even read the OP's post before replying?

Ugh... got to love these knee-jerk premeds...

The point was the OP was putting herself in the category of savant, socially-inept etc, aspergers, and beating herself up for not taking a break after high school, when neither of those are really her problem. I was trying to illustrate that top 2% in the state in high school doesn't mean you're some hopeless genius or anything like that, you still have to work really hard in college to get that A. Effort >> top 2% in a high school standardized test.

Her problem (which is actually very common and normal) is that she never developed proper studying habits before college, because her bit of intelligence was able to carry her through grade school with decent grades and achievement. It's not really burnout she's suffering, but burnout from using the same haphazard studying habits on a much more demanding and stressful workload. What she clearly needs to do is stop doing the same things she's doing now, take a few days and think about how she should get more organized and focused in her schedule, develop a routine and stick to that routine religiously.

 

[Catalystik]

Do I take time off, or keep charging ahead? Drop the Physio major and just be a Spanish translator for a while, then come back to this all later?

If you can end this term creditably, when it's over, take time off from school. Regain the "fire in the belly" you used to have.

 

[flyingdjs]

I gotta say that although Womp is kinda harsh and blunt, he has a point. There are a lot of delusions...

I also did extremely well in highschool, crazy amounts of AP's, almost all 5's. Never seemed to work that hard at it. Went to USA school from Canada with a full-ride. I thought I was the smartest kid in the world cos I was younger than my peers (skipped grades).

Academics went pretty much downhill after entering college. Same amount of studying and "hard work" as highschool (which wasn't really that much). Ended up with 3.33 across the board and a whooping C+ in orgo. 30M in my first MCAT score. Parents kinda going through a divorce while I started college. Pretty much used that as an excuse for why I did poorly in college even though it was really my own fault. I think we tell ourselves that as a defense mechanism to protect our ego/pride of the failure. 3 years later, one masters program, retaking MCAT (34Q), and a lot of EC's, I got in class of 2015 as a Canadian student.

So don't fret, you'll get in if that's what you really want. Just keep your eye on the goal and don't fall into self-pity. Accept the negative things that have happened in your life and use that to fuel your passion! Even though they're really life-changing events, don't let them suck you into a whirlpool of despair. Just think how amazing it will be for you to get in after all the hardships you've been through! You'll be SO proud of yourself because you know that you had to overcome so many more obstacles than your traditional applicant peers. If you're having a bad day, just go do something fun and completely relaxing to recharge. Then come back the next day fully refreshed.

YOU CAN DO EEEEeeeeTTT👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

 

[NOsquid]

The only question you really need to answer is whether you still want to be a physician. It's going to keep getting harder.

Your grades aren't that bad. I got mostly B's in those classes too. Doing well in some upper level science classes and on the MCAT would go a long way.

made an already long journey much longer via a needed postbac/Masters to up my sGPA.

You need to drop this thinking stat. It will only make you seem immature. An extra year or two is NOTHING. It's an 11 year journey just to become practicing generalist, more for specialties. The Post-Bac or Masters is a realistic scenario given your current situation. Accept it, and if it comes to that do it. It's not a big deal. Happiness is a game of expectations, and you're setting yourself up for misery with your attitude. Things will not always go exactly as planned, that's life. If you really want to be a doctor, keep plugging away and do your best.

You can't keep stressing like this, because honestly premed is the easy part. Stop being so hard on yourself. You're not dumb, you probably just need to adjust your study habits as suggested above. It's not the last adjustment you'll have to make on this path. I know it sucks, pre-med has nothing to do with medicine. You could make a similar argument for the first half of medical school. They're just hoops you have to jump through if you want to be a doctor. Don't take it so personally if you don't get A's in Organic Chemistry, it doesn't relate to how good of a physician you will be.

 

[Shakespeare37]

OP- If you've been on/off anti-depressants for that long, I'm guessing you were, at least at one point, seeing a professional counselor. I'm with everyone on here that has said: "Get some professional help" Seek advice from your school pysch, and look into taking some time off. It is a long road, and if you are miserable now, you aren't in any shape to start it. Do what you have to pull yourself together. Come back to school when you are ready to kick-***** and get the A's you need. A semester or year off doing something you enjoy may actually help your application in the long run, so long as you learn from it. Good luck, and keep your head up.

 

[Lunasly]

Ugh... got to love these knee-jerk premeds...

The point was the OP was putting herself in the category of savant, socially-inept etc, aspergers, and beating herself up for not taking a break after high school, when neither of those are really her problem. I was trying to illustrate that top 2% in the state in high school doesn't mean you're some hopeless genius or anything like that, you still have to work really hard in college to get that A. Effort >> top 2% in a high school standardized test.

Her problem (which is actually very common and normal) is that she never developed proper studying habits before college, because her bit of intelligence was able to carry her through grade school with decent grades and achievement. It's not really burnout she's suffering, but burnout from using the same haphazard studying habits on a much more demanding and stressful workload. What she clearly needs to do is stop doing the same things she's doing now, take a few days and think about how she should get more organized and focused in her schedule, develop a routine and stick to that routine religiously.

Ah, my apologies then. I understand where you are coming from.

 

[fahimaz7]

Her problem (which is actually very common and normal) is that she never developed proper studying habits before college, because her bit of intelligence was able to carry her through grade school with decent grades and achievement. It's not really burnout she's suffering, but burnout from using the same haphazard studying habits on a much more demanding and stressful workload. What she clearly needs to do is stop doing the same things she's doing now, take a few days and think about how she should get more organized and focused in her schedule, develop a routine and stick to that routine religiously.

This same thing happens in medical school. You wouldn't believe how many 4.0 kids show up and get blown away during that first year, only to realize that they never had to work hard for grades, and that it's impossible to cram 3 inches of material every two weeks.

I agree though, it sounds like someone needs to take a few deep breaths, develop a realistic and streamlined approach to studying, and drop down to 12 hours/semester.

Medicine is a long route, and it's certainly not lost in a single year of classes.

 

[omgyou8myrice]

My take:

1) You need to get over yourself. You come across as thinking you're somehow more able / gifted than most. I can assure you nearly any serious pre-med student on this forum was in the tops at their respective HS class. It's really just not hard stuff.

2) Re-evaluate what you're doing with your life. I think tied along with point #1, and issues with your dad, you're almost trying to become a doctor to prove your intelligence, cope with father issues (which are sad, I'm sorry to hear), etc. I'm a believer that if you really wanted medicine like you make it to be, you would probably be performing a bit better in your classes. Being burnt out in college really isn't a good sign, unless you're taking 20+ credit hours a semester.

3) Talk to someone in real life. This is a great forum for finding nuances in the application program and whatnot, but we aren't trained Psychologists (as much as we'd often like to pretend), nor are we a suitable replacement for one.

 

[boobelle]

I definitely echo the other posters who have suggested that you get in touch (or back in touch) with a psychologist and/or school advisor. You do sound depressed, and perhaps taking time off is the best choice as long as you use it effectively to help resolve your current likely depression and straighten yourself out....don't make any major decisions or choices, just talk to your advisors and perhaps just put everything on pause as you get yourself healthy.

I worked so hard because I hoped I would be able to give her the world someday.

I wanted to pull this quote out. From what you wrote, part of your problem might be that you seem to have a lot of external factors driving you to medicine, and I'm not hearing as much internal, personal drive to go into medicine. Be it medicine or any other career, you need to pick your future course based on what YOU truly love and what's best for YOU...not what you think you're supposed to do because of family history, because that's what you wanted to do when you were 8, or because you feel beholden to your family. Figure out your true passion--if that's medicine, great, and if it's not medicine, also great. I think if you get yourself healthy and pick a career path driven by what YOU want and enjoy you'll find yourself happier overall and will find that motivation to study and do well in whatever classes you need for that path.

 

[estradiol9]

I can't tell you how many people breezed through high school and did extremely well then came to college and struggled. It's quite common for the successful high school kids to feel overwhelmed when they are not getting that 4.0 anymore in college.

I agree with someone that said you should work on your studying habits. It sounds like high school wasn't so difficult and as long as you studied somewhat, you did fine. College is different.

I also think you should see a psychiatrist. I'm not sure what you do with the rest of your life but it is very important to maintain a balance. Don't spend all of your time studying and worrying about academic related things. Spend time with friends and have fun. Go to the gym. Watch TV. Get drunk. Yes, medicine is important to you but don't revolve your life around getting into medical school. Can you imagine how depressed you would become if you didn't get accepted anywhere?

 

[slammer922]

(slightly intoxicated rant which is not towards OP in any way) This is what is wrong with SDN. When I was in UG I had no idea there was this miracle website, with stats of matriculates and a place filled with kids who knew so much about getting into medical school. My goal was to do the best I could in ever class no matter what. If I got an 89.94 I didnt go to my professor to bump me up bc I was worried about my GPA. I took it because that is what I earned in the class. If I had went to college and made all C's then I would have made my dream of helping people medically come true no matter what. Yall are putting way to much importance on going into medicine that you are taking away from the innocence that attracted you to the field in the first place.

The more and more I read about peoples issues on this site I find out that this site does nothing but stress them out. Trust me. You are not the only person in the on this planet who as dreams of becoming a physician with a 3.5 cGPA.

Life happens. Don't stress. Take time off or dont, do whatever makes you feel best. Because in the end, your health is all that matters to those who care about you most. Make the best of what you can and know that if you don't end up doing what you've been wanting to do since you were 10 yrs old... doesn't mean you weren't meant do what you end up doing. I wish you the best

 

[FirefighterDoc]

I agree with what people are saying about the health issue. It can be hard being pre-med and trying to stay competitive. For some it involves a lot of sleepless nights and subsequently caffeine/other stimulants to keep going.

I was working ridiculous hours at two jobs not getting a lot of sleep this semester and just burning the candle at both ends. I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia for a week because my immune system was so shot. All the stress can lead to psychological problems as youve been seeing, but it can also lead to physiological ones as well.

Just try and take care of yourself. Youre doing fine. Some people in the "What are my chances?" sub-forum would kill for a 3.5.

 

[socorro]

Wow. First of all: I love every single one of you guys for reading this and posting back. I am absolutely blown away. I needed this so much, and I appreciate you guys so much. And yes, I feel a little bit loved. 😀 Also, I realize this post might bite me in the butt someday as it is somewhat personal and identifying, but I'm gonna go right out and say it's totally worth it. I needed this so much, and you all rock! I was dreading the thought of continuing on with a bunch of dry, arrogant gunners as my colleagues, but if I really do this medicine thing, I have to say I'm thankfully recharged by the awesomeness of my future peers. Can't thank you all enough.

I want to address a lot of the good advice you guys gave and the important points you all brought up (including those who PM'd me), but it might have to wait until after finals. I'm swamped. But I will be back to this post. I owe you all a million thanks! 😍

 

[ShelLeonRajHowa]

Being premed and going through med school is a mentally draining process.

Going to med school/being a doctor is not worth your health, especially with all you're already dealing with undergrad. Take time off. See a professional. Re-evaluate what's important to you. Then think about whether or not you want to resume this path.

I don't know if you have a religion, but I believe this is the only life we have to live. Take good care of yours. Everything else is secondary. As far as I'm concerned, if you're happy in life, you've succeeded in life.

Truly, dearly, good luck with everything. Things will work out. Just don't give up on yourself and you'll end up in the right place for you.