Comment on my secondary essay opening :)

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The prompt is. "please provite a complete but concise description of your self, highlighting your intrests, persons activities and events which wher important to your decision to pursue a carrer in medicine. inlude a critical analysis of your personal qualifiation and schoolastic ability"

We have one page..
Im a sucky writer, i know. I dont need love or a pat on the back, i need a good essay so take your gloves off.


?Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing? William Shakespeare

It is only recently I found this quote, but I am sure I have been living by it for many years. I have had many passions in the few years of my life, yet none of them have been for things already done. My passions are ones which hold no end. Playing the trumpet and guitar, weightlifting, and playing with children are all activities devoid of milestones or concrete goals. In them i have found a satifacion that is constant and unchanging.

After this i thought i would begin relating my facination with science and learning to the quote as something done for its own sake.

I have a modest GPA but a great mcat, so should i say that since the grade at the end of the class is not as important as the learning itelf (per shakespeare) Sometime though I mastered the material, I allowed myself to make occasional B's. As shown by my MCAT and GPA.

It seems like i could take this idea full circe, form intor to conclution, explaing myself well with it. But its it hokey or...does it sound irresponsible, like I would try hard at somthing that i didnt find pleasant in that particular instant?

 

[....]

Come on people, if it sucks just say so.
Think of all of my demands on people to own up to their failures.
Its time to get back at me!

Here is somthing else i just whipped up.

Deep down I think I will always be a student. Something about learning, about being taught, is profoundly satisfying to me. Growing up in a small north Florida town left me little opportunity to meet diverse people and as such, left me with few mentors. However, in music, I found many teachers. There were the directors of the bands I played trumpet in throughout my seven years after elementary school. There was also Arturo Sandoval, Dizzy Gillespie and Maynard Ferguson. Listening to their music, eyes closed and dreaming of where those great men where when they played, I experienced a type of passion for the first time. The feeling was one of immersion, similar to reading a cherished book that you have read a dozen times of more. Knowing the characters faces and gestures without ever seeing them. It is the sort of thing that makes life worthwhile. Small instants in time of passion for something.

 

[DAL]

Originally posted by hightrump
The prompt is. "please provite a complete but concise description of your self, highlighting your intrests, persons activities and events which wher important to your decision to pursue a carrer in medicine. inlude a critical analysis of your personal qualifiation and schoolastic ability"

We have one page..
Im a sucky writer, i know. I dont need love or a pat on the back, i need a good essay so take your gloves off.


?Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing? William Shakespeare

It is only recently I found this quote, but I am sure I have been living by it for many years. I have had many passions in the few years of my life, yet none of them have been for things already done. My passions are ones which hold no end. Playing the trumpet and guitar, weightlifting, and playing with children are all activities devoid of milestones or concrete goals. In them i have found a satifacion that is constant and unchanging.

After this i thought i would begin relating my facination with science and learning to the quote as something done for its own sake.

I have a modest GPA but a great mcat, so should i say that since the grade at the end of the class is not as important as the learning itelf (per shakespeare) Sometime though I mastered the material, I allowed myself to make occasional B's. As shown by my MCAT and GPA.

It seems like i could take this idea full circe, form intor to conclution, explaing myself well with it. But its it hokey or...does it sound irresponsible, like I would try hard at somthing that i didnt find pleasant in that particular instant?

I think it's always risky starting off an essay with a quote. But I like the way you followed yours up with how you've related the quote to your experiences.

The first paragraph sounds good. I would definitely move into your fascination with science and learning. Make sure to include some important experiences or events that have played integral in your decision to enter the field of medicine.

It seems like you're off to a great start, just finish strong. And make sure to check your spelling.

 

[....]

?Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing? William Shakespeare

It is only recently I found this quote, but I am sure I have been living by it for many years. I have had many passions in the few years of my life, yet none of them have been for things already done. My passions are ones which hold no end. Playing the trumpet and guitar, weightlifting, and playing with children are all activities devoid of milestones or concrete goals.
I have become a child at heart in the last two years. I truly find myself not only at ease, but at home with children. They live in the moment and find joy in all things. A wonderful contrast to the life of a pre-med. Though for years I had prided myself on my perceived intellectual ability and such things, it is amazing to me that I have become enthralled by the abandon and freedom of kids. They see the world with eyes that I long to see the world with. Unconcerned with competition, they seek only to learn and do, not to defeat or conquer a task.
Something about learning, about being taught, is profoundly satisfying to me. Growing up in a small north Florida town left me little opportunity to meet diverse people and as such, left me with few mentors. However, in music, I found many teachers. There were the directors of the bands I played trumpet in throughout my seven years after elementary school. There was also Arturo Sandoval, Dizzy Gillespie and Maynard Ferguson. Listening to their music, eyes closed and dreaming of where those great men where when they played, I experienced a type of passion for the first time. The feeling was one of immersion, similar to reading a cherished book that you have read a dozen times of more. Knowing the characters faces and gestures without ever seeing them. It is the sort of thing that makes life worthwhile. Small instants in time of passion for something.
Though playing the trumpet was profoundly satisfying I looked for more and in my second year of college I found Organic Chemistry. An odd thing to love I know, but I suppose we cannot choose the things we love. I am still unsure what I found in it that is so compelling. Perhaps it is the way in which profound simplicity gives rise to profound diversity. A few basic ideas, electro-negativity, stability and the concept of dynamic equilibrium and a whole world is at your fingertips.
Whatever the reason, I absorbed it and reveled in the learning. Knowing that I may never synthesize anything was unimportant. It was learning just learn. Deep down I think I will always be such a student.
There are disadvantages to this philosophy and I have met some of them face to face. The pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of an ?A? is not always equivalent. Perhaps standardized testing can show us the difference but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals. Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind.
The question of ?why medicine? is one that I cannot easily answer here. Some have described it as a calling. I think that, though I could review the experiences described in my personal statement which I feel guided me to my decision, a calling is the best description I could give. The surgery I have seen has filled me with awe. The people I have seen cured have touched my heart. Yet my resolve to practice medicine is much more than the constituent experiences that make it up. The practice of medicine is not something which has specific goal in mind other than to heal. There are no major milestones representing a number of years in practice. There comes no day when one is deemed a success in the field. It is simply done for its own sake. As Shakespeare says, ?The joy is in the doing.?



Thats it.....does it end to abruptly or seem like i have not convinced the reader of my desire to be a doctor? Should i highlight the altruism more? Does mentioning AED and reaffirming that not being overly concerned with the sybols of learning and achivement does not mean a lack of disicplene of responibility?

 

[DAL]

Originally posted by hightrump
?Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing? William Shakespeare

It is only recently I found this quote, but I am sure I have been living by it for many years. I have had many passions in the few years of my life, yet none of them have been for things already done. My passions are ones which hold no end. Playing the trumpet and guitar, weightlifting, and playing with children are all activities devoid of milestones or concrete goals.
I have become a child at heart in the last two years. I truly find myself not only at ease, but at home with children. They live in the moment and find joy in all things. A wonderful contrast to the life of a pre-med. Though for years I had prided myself on my perceived intellectual ability and such things, it is amazing to me that I have become enthralled by the abandon and freedom of kids. They see the world with eyes that I long to see the world with. Unconcerned with competition, they seek only to learn and do, not to defeat or conquer a task.
Something about learning, about being taught, is profoundly satisfying to me. Growing up in a small north Florida town left me little opportunity to meet diverse people and as such, left me with few mentors. However, in music, I found many teachers. There were the directors of the bands I played trumpet in throughout my seven years after elementary school. There was also Arturo Sandoval, Dizzy Gillespie and Maynard Ferguson. Listening to their music, eyes closed and dreaming of where those great men where when they played, I experienced a type of passion for the first time. The feeling was one of immersion, similar to reading a cherished book that you have read a dozen times of more. Knowing the characters faces and gestures without ever seeing them. It is the sort of thing that makes life worthwhile. Small instants in time of passion for something.
Though playing the trumpet was profoundly satisfying I looked for more and in my second year of college I found Organic Chemistry. An odd thing to love I know, but I suppose we cannot choose the things we love. I am still unsure what I found in it that is so compelling. Perhaps it is the way in which profound simplicity gives rise to profound diversity. A few basic ideas, electro-negativity, stability and the concept of dynamic equilibrium and a whole world is at your fingertips.
Whatever the reason, I absorbed it and reveled in the learning. Knowing that I may never synthesize anything was unimportant. It was learning just learn. Deep down I think I will always be such a student.
There are disadvantages to this philosophy and I have met some of them face to face. The pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of an ?A? is not always equivalent. Perhaps standardized testing can show us the difference but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals. Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind.
The question of ?why medicine? is one that I cannot easily answer here. Some have described it as a calling. I think that, though I could review the experiences described in my personal statement which I feel guided me to my decision, a calling is the best description I could give. The surgery I have seen has filled me with awe. The people I have seen cured have touched my heart. Yet my resolve to practice medicine is much more than the constituent experiences that make it up. The practice of medicine is not something which has specific goal in mind other than to heal. There are no major milestones representing a number of years in practice. There comes no day when one is deemed a success in the field. It is simply done for its own sake. As Shakespeare says, ?The joy is in the doing.?



Thats it.....does it end to abruptly or seem like i have not convinced the reader of my desire to be a doctor? Should i highlight the altruism more? Does mentioning AED and reaffirming that not being overly concerned with the sybols of learning and achivement does not mean a lack of disicplene of responibility?

I think it sounds good, but I'll offer a few suggestions. Try to condense the first 3 paragraphs and get to the part that drove you to medicince a little quicker. By the end of the third paragraph I had lost a little interest, but then you got into the meat of the essay. But I do like how you highlighted what interests you in life and things you did growing up. Highlighting altruistic efforts is up to you. They seem to what to know what makes you tick and why you would be a good fit for medical school. Make sure you get across why you will succeed in medical school. Be careful when you say "They live in the moment and find joy in all things. A wonderful contrast to the life of a pre-med". You don't want them to think that you regret the journey to medical school and view your decision for medicine pessimistically.

Here are a few grammatical changes you can make:

1) "It is only recently THAT I found this quote".

2) "but I have been living by it"....

3) "I have had many passions in my life, yet none have been for things complete".

4) "not to defeat or conquer"

5) "dreaming of where those great men WERE when they played". This sentence needs a little work. It is a bit confusing, but I can't think of a better way to work it right now.

6) "profound simplicity gives rise to diversity..."

7) I would either reword or leave out the sentence beginning with "A few basic ideas....". I'm just not sure what idea you were trying to get across.

8) "It was learing just for the knowledge. Deep down I feel I will always be this type of student".

9) "I have met them face to face".

10) ..." I can not easily answer".

11) "Many medical school applicants have described it as a calling".

12) "a calling is the best description I can offer. My experiences witnessing surgery has filled me with awe and inspiration"

Just some suggestions, take them with a grain of salt as they are just my opinions. Good luck!!!

 

[carrigallen]

Originally posted by hightrump
[B

Something about learning, about being taught, is profoundly satisfying to me. Growing up in a small north Florida town left me little opportunity to meet diverse people and as such, left me with few mentors. However, in music, I found many teachers. There were the directors of the bands I played trumpet in throughout my seven years after elementary school. There was also Arturo Sandoval, Dizzy Gillespie and Maynard Ferguson. Listening to their music, eyes closed and dreaming of where those great men where when they played, I experienced a type of passion for the first time. The feeling was one of immersion, similar to reading a cherished book that you have read a dozen times of more. Knowing the characters faces and gestures without ever seeing them. It is the sort of thing that makes life worthwhile. Small instants in time of passion for something.
Though playing the trumpet was profoundly satisfying I looked for more and in my second year of college I found Organic Chemistry. An odd thing to love I know, but I suppose we cannot choose the things we love. I am still unsure what I found in it that is so compelling. Perhaps it is the way in which profound simplicity gives rise to profound diversity. A few basic ideas, electro-negativity, stability and the concept of dynamic equilibrium and a whole world is at your fingertips.
Whatever the reason, I absorbed it and reveled in the learning. Knowing that I may never synthesize anything was unimportant. It was learning just learn. Deep down I think I will always be such a student.
There are disadvantages to this philosophy and I have met some of them face to face. The pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of an ?A? is not always equivalent. Perhaps standardized testing can show us the difference but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals. Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind.
The question of ?why medicine? is one that I cannot easily answer here. Some have described it as a calling. I think that, though I could review the experiences described in my personal statement which I feel guided me to my decision, a calling is the best description I could give. The surgery I have seen has filled me with awe. The people I have seen cured have touched my heart. Yet my resolve to practice medicine is much more than the constituent experiences that make it up. The practice of medicine is not something which has specific goal in mind other than to heal. There are no major milestones representing a number of years in practice. There comes no day when one is deemed a success in the field. It is simply done for its own sake. As Shakespeare says, ?The joy is in the doing.?



Thats it.....does it end to abruptly or seem like i have not convinced the reader of my desire to be a doctor? Should i highlight the altruism more? Does mentioning AED and reaffirming that not being overly concerned with the sybols of learning and achivement does not mean a lack of disicplene of responibility? [/B]

Good first paragraphs..I like the shakespeare quote part, it seems to bespeak maturity.

"..but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals." - not quite sure what is meant there. "Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind. "

imo, this is the hole in your essay to patch up. I'm not sure why you have 'chosen to practice orthopaedics' but you may consider leaving it out, it might come across the wrong way. btw, what is aed?

Otherwise, good - send it off soon.

 

[sgilani]

please don't get mad at this and ignore it if you please but i just think the first paragraph and half of the next one are very ambiguous. it's like ou're avoiding making some point although i'm not so sure what that point is.

 

[DrSal]

>>>>>>>"Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful."

Hey, at an interview i was totally unprepared for and never even wanted to go to (long story).... i was aked whether i had given any thought to what type of physician i'd like to be. Of course, like i said, being totally unprepared, and not caring, but never-the-less trying to impress the interviewer (as in most interview situations), i said with all certainity that i wanted to be an anesthesiologist.... So the interviewer looks up at me from the paper she was filling, and stares me straight in the eye and says " Do me a favor, don't pick today." (eeek) She said that i could say i'm LEANING towards "------," but never say you "have already chosen" b/c you haven't been thru enough yet to make an educated choice.

soooooo, yea... just decided to pass that on.

 

[phenolphthalein]

Hmm?I?m not buying it. It smells fake. Your writing has this affected tone like you?re striking a pose that?s not really you. You?re trying so hard to say something meaningful and different, but coming up blank. And you tend to disguise that in all this earnest blather about the ?joy in doing?.

Philosophical Aside:While there is certainly some deep truth in the quote, it needs to be taken in context. ?Playing the trumpet and guitar, weightlifting, and playing with children are all activities devoid of milestones or concrete goals.? If you were to never be able to increase the amount of weight you lifted; if you never got stronger; wouldn?t you soon get discouraged and quit? If you never got better at the trumpet or guitar, would not soon get bored and leave them? If you didn?t get anything out of playing with children, be that entertainment, a feeling of being loved, whatever, wouldn?t you stop doing it? If you don?t get accepted to medical school, will you still keep applying year after year for the ?joy in doing? ? hell no! All of us have very specific reasons for doing the things that we do. The more appropriate quote is by Freidrich Nietzsche, ?The man who has a ?why? to live will endure almost any ?how??.

Would you go through all of the BS of the medical school app process, if you did not have specific goals in mind? This is why the tone you?ve taken in the essay of, ?I am just meandering through life, driven by passion, like a child, with no specific goals but to keep on ?doing?? comes across as incredibly fake. The same applies to stuff like this, which also seems contrived, ?Yet my resolve to practice medicine is much more than the constituent experiences that make it up. The practice of medicine is not something which has specific goal in mind other than to heal. There are no major milestones representing a number of years in practice.?

As a previous poster has mentioned, this whole ?Rhapsody on Children? thing you?ve got going on isn?t doing you any favors. It comes across as na?ve, both in your understanding of children and in the emotional maturity that is required of a doctor. ?They see the world with eyes that I long to see the world with? ? what are you saying here? Would you wish to see an obese, diabetic patient who needs their foot amputated because of their disease through the eyes of a child? Remember, children can be incredibly cruel too. And the same goes for this, ?Unconcerned with competition, they seek only to learn and do, not to defeat or conquer a task?. Are you kidding? Children are naturally ruthless, and they get bored very quickly if they don?t win or get something. You?ve never seen a Yu-Gi-Oh action figure war. Children have to be taught to play nice.

An aside on the quality of the writing: Your writing seems to have this squirmy, fidgety quality about it. Consider this,
?The question of ?why medicine? is one that I cannot easily answer here. Some have described it as a calling. I think that, though I could review the experiences described in my personal statement which I feel guided me to my decision, a calling is the best description I could give.?
Why could that not be written as, ?The question of ?why medicine? is one that I cannot easily answer here -- a calling is the best description I could give?.
And this stuff:
Listening to their music, eyes closed and dreaming of where those great men where when they played, I experienced a type of passion for the first time. The feeling was one of immersion, similar to reading a cherished book that you have read a dozen times of more. Knowing the characters faces and gestures without ever seeing them. It is the sort of thing that makes life worthwhile. Small instants in time of passion for something.

It reads like a set of nervous tics that have been strung together.

Anyway, back to bigger problems. There are two more. The first one is this whole business of, ?The pursuit of knowledge and the pursuit of an ?A? is not always equivalent.? Why go there? All you have to do is highlight the things you are good at. After all there are reasons why you did well on the MCAT. Talk about those skills.

Finally, I have one more issue here and that is this whole medicine is a ?calling? business. That?s a cop out. What would you think if you asked someone why they wanted to be a doctor and all they said was, ? I dunno, it?s a calling, I guess?. Did you have a vision one day? Did you feel an irresistible urge to spend time with the sick and the elderly? You get the point. To simply say that it?s a calling comes across as either that you are un-self reflective and therefore don?t know your own motivations, or that you are not being honest about your motivations.

Ok, all done.

 

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I wated to give the reader some assurance that I understand that I need to work harder in med school. My MCAT is a 35 and my gpa a 3.4. Its pretty clear that I just slacked off too much.

AED is the major premed fraternity in the US. it national, my chater has 130 members. Its a pretty big deal, but i did talk about it already in my secondary experiences.

Is basing the esssay on that quote a good idea. Does it run counter to the accepted motivations and practices of medicine?



"..but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals." - not quite sure what is meant there.

The first goal, learning, i clearly accomplished as shown by my MCAT score. The second goal making A's, the actuall sitting down and doingthe homework whether you understand the matierial already or not, is one that i didnt achive, my GPA is 3.4. Not bad for biochem, minor in physics and philosphy. But It obvious i could have done better. So i wanted to make the point that I understand that in medschool they will excpect me to achive both goals. Since I am certian that I want to do surgery and most likley on of the more competitve sug specialities, i will have to do better than I have in the past. Im sure ill get into medschool, but Im just sliding in on my MCAT score and letters of rec. That crap wont cut it trying to get into ortho.

"Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind. "

imo, this is the hole in your essay to patch up. I'm not sure why you have 'chosen to practice orthopaedics' but you may consider leaving it out, it might come across the wrong way. btw, what is aed?"

You mean it might sound arrogant? I could leave it out...do you think its improtant for me to tell them why i know i need to wok harder? Or should I leave out the excuses part? I does seem to be deeply rooted in my central theme of working/enjoying the doing and not the end result.

 

[....]

phenolphthalein forgive me but, bite me. Your past posts speak for themselves.....

Willy isnt saying that the there is no such thing as progress. That is all there is. There is no end goal. Going to the gym is a perfect example. Anyone who really likes the gym isnt going there because they have a specific goal, they just want to get faster, stronger and happier. No runner says "Ok i ran a 6:20 mile. Goal accomplished. lets take up tennis" The runners joy is experienced every day, not just when he beats someone else.

 

[DAL]

Originally posted by hightrump
I wated to give the reader some assurance that I understand that I need to work harder in med school. My MCAT is a 35 and my gpa a 3.4. Its pretty clear that I just slacked off too much.

AED is the major premed fraternity in the US. it national, my chater has 130 members. Its a pretty big deal, but i did talk about it already in my secondary experiences.

Is basing the esssay on that quote a good idea. Does it run counter to the accepted motivations and practices of medicine?



"..but I would regret deficiency in either of these goals." - not quite sure what is meant there.

The first goal, learning, i clearly accomplished as shown by my MCAT score. The second goal making A's, the actuall sitting down and doingthe homework whether you understand the matierial already or not, is one that i didnt achive, my GPA is 3.4. Not bad for biochem, minor in physics and philosphy. But It obvious i could have done better. So i wanted to make the point that I understand that in medschool they will excpect me to achive both goals. Since I am certian that I want to do surgery and most likley on of the more competitve sug specialities, i will have to do better than I have in the past. Im sure ill get into medschool, but Im just sliding in on my MCAT score and letters of rec. That crap wont cut it trying to get into ortho.

"Having chosen the competitive specialty of Orthopedics, I am keenly aware that in medical school I must excel in both manners to be successful. Also, my time as President of AED had kept the notions of responsibility and duty in the forefront of my mind. "

imo, this is the hole in your essay to patch up. I'm not sure why you have 'chosen to practice orthopaedics' but you may consider leaving it out, it might come across the wrong way. btw, what is aed?"

You mean it might sound arrogant? I could leave it out...do you think its improtant for me to tell them why i know i need to wok harder? Or should I leave out the excuses part? I does seem to be deeply rooted in my central theme of working/enjoying the doing and not the end result.

I think it could come across as a little arrogant if you say you've already chosen your specialty. I think it's better to say you feel drawn to a certain area, or you like certain aspects of a field, but I don't think you should make it sound so final.

When talking about your GPA and MCAT i would just concentrate on your strengths. Your GPA isn't great (neither is mine) but it's not that bad either. It just leaves room for improvement. You did great on the MCAT, so you can say you have a deep understanding of the material and your ability to reason through problems will serve you well in medical school.

 

[phenolphthalein]

phenolphthalein forgive me but, bite me. Your past posts speak for themselves.....



Fair enough. I probably should not be as combative in my language. No personal offense was meant. I did sincerely sit there and think of all possible holes in your statement and the impression they might cause -- it's what I ask others to do for my own writing. It's perfecty fine that you disagree vehemently with my analysis; it's just an opinion. But, I think you feel that it was simply an excercise to denigrate you for no reason, which it honestly was not meant to be.

 

[evescadeceus]

Hightrump, you're not gonna like what I have to say - I apologize in advance. What's missing from this essay is a sense of humility. The tone is too self-congratulatory, and the lyricism is distracting.

I realize this is a draft, but the blend of grammatical errors and cliched phrases, combined with sentences like "I have had many passions in the few years of my life, yet none of them have been for things already done" smacks of plagarism. I taught 12th grade for two years, and TA'd at university for one year before becoming premed, and if I can sense this, so can an adcom.

Start over, and write an honest essay. Drop the fancy lyricism, get some careful editing, and make it sound like you.

 

[....]

you think i plagarized? thats a compliment.....

I didnt proofread for grammar yet....though my proof reading would suck anyway.

And yeah there are a few cliches in there. ill try and get them out.

What im looking for is confirmation that the theme is clear and that all of my paragraphs are consistant and jive with that theme.