Continue LDR or breakup

[texdoc60]

Hey everyone!

I'm currently at a crossroads on whether or not I should break-up with my LDR significant other. I am an MS1 who is just starting med school while my SO is in her first gap year, hoping to apply to med school next year. We have been dating for 4 years now and I continue to love her dearly. We text and facetime whenever we are both free in our schedules, but have recently started arguing a lot more than we have in person. Even though these arguments are superficial and we eventually resolve them, they have really been distracting. Recently, we discussed a potential end-date to the LDR when we can finally move in together or at least be in the same city. The ideal plan is for her to apply and eventually attend my current medical school, but her stats are way below the average and her chances are quite low 🙁. We plan to see each other every few months or during seasonal breaks, but will most likely be in an LDR for an indefinite amount of time. It is tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel for this LDR since there is so much in the air (The location I go to residency, where my SO goes to med school, and eventually residency?) As much as I want us to be together, I am just having a tough time imagining LDR for such a long time with no end in sight. I definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with my SO, but it's just so hard for me to imagine doing long distance for such an extended period of time with two ambitious medical careers ahead of us. I would really appreciate some insight into this situation!

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[lanzhou_lamian]

If your SO's stats are below the averages for your school, are there other lower ranked schools in your city/area that she could go to?

If she's in a gap year this year, can she come down and visit you more frequently, assuming she's within driving distance?

LDRs are hard, but I think the fact that you said you see yourself with her for the rest of your life says a lot. But it will require compromises. Either one of you might have to put location above prestige when applying to school or matching such that you can be a bit closer. Is that something you're willing to do?

I have several friends in my med school class that are in long or middle distance relationships, some more successful than others. Medicine is hard and time consuming, and you can only balance so many priorities. I think if you're both willing to put the relationship as a high priority and make the sacrifices that are necessary to do that, the relationship can work.

 

[texdoc60]

If your SO's stats are below the averages for your school, are there other lower ranked schools in your city/area that she could go to?

If she's in a gap year this year, can she come down and visit you more frequently, assuming she's within driving distance?

LDRs are hard, but I think the fact that you said you see yourself with her for the rest of your life says a lot. But it will require compromises. Either one of you might have to put location above prestige when applying to school or matching such that you can be a bit closer. Is that something you're willing to do?

I have several friends in my med school class that are in long or middle distance relationships, some more successful than others. Medicine is hard and time consuming, and you can only balance so many priorities. I think if you're both willing to put the relationship as a high priority and make the sacrifices that are necessary to do that, the relationship can work.

The closest city with a lower rank school is probably a 4-hours drive.

The plan is for her to come visit me often during her gap year, but I'm just more concerned about the future of the LDR as we will constantly be in different cities/areas and she is two years behind me in the medical path (which doesn't allow us to couples match). We both discussed starting a family at some point, but it's just so hard to look toward the future with so many unknowns ahead of us. I would definitely be willing to compromise when matching to move closer, there is just no guarantee with anything, which is scary.

Thanks for the advice btw!

 

[IMG69]

The fact that you're asking probably means you have doubts and aren't rock solid. You'll meet someone within your own med school and likely have a better relationship than your current one. I was in your exact situation and have been in a relationship with someone at my school for 3 years now.

I would say bite the bullet and end it, based on the fact that you posted this in the first place. It's extremely common for med students to enter with long term GF's/BF's and then they break up and end up dating another med student, I mean this happened several times at my school alone.

Starting M4 now I think there's maybe only 10-20% of my class that is still single.

 

[Chelsea FC]

Yeah break up now, statistically prob going to happen. Happened to me and my 4 year relationship going in and the hurt of it almost made me tank first year. Rip the bandaid off get super fit and start enjoying the city you’re in

 

[deleted50541]

It looks like the cracks are starting to show in your relationship. New arguments, doubts about its long-term viability, and posting here. If you and her talk it out and feel like you can make it work, then more power to you guys.

My own LDR ended by my second year of residency. We were together for two years while I was in medical school. But time constraints starting as an intern meant a lot less flexibility to see each other in person and I was often too tired at night to have much in the way of meaningful conversations by phone or Skype. After a year, we both saw the writing on the wall and the breakup was mutual. Of course it was painful, but we knew it was the right thing to do.

 

[viralhiker]

If you're asking this question, I think you know the answer. For the record, I'm currently in a LDR and the thought would never cross my mind to end it.

At the end of the day though, only you can answer this question for yourself. We can't really make the decision for you.

 

[SurfingDoctor]

Swipe left...

 

[InvaderZ1m]

I'm a fresh M1 too so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but I was in a LDR for 2 years with another premed who went to college on the other side of the country from me. Everyone goes into LDRs assuming they won't end up as the >70% of couples that don't make it, but at the same time no one goes into them completely aware of just how mentally taxing they can be. I remember having pointless arguments out of stress, feeling jealous far more frequently than I had when we were dating in-person, and being insanely distracted during classes/studying. Long distance (as it seems you're finding out) is surprisingly distracting, and you don't need any extra stress in your life going into medical school. You will get jealous over silly things (if she's taking a gap year I'm sure she'll have more free time to spend with friends/go out than you), both you and her will spend a good amount of coin on travel you'd otherwise save, and honestly you could both miss out on other less stressful relationships.

My honest recommendation from experience would be to tear off the bandaid now - heartbreak is intense, but time heals all wounds and in my opinion it would be better to deal with the grieving process earlier rather than later. If it's any consolation, my ex and I ended things mutually and are still great friends. We both have new partners, but have continued to talk for almost 1 1/2 years and have seen each other several times since. At the same time, the heart wants what it wants; I know I wasn't able to tear off the bandaid without giving it a solid try when we first started dating. If you go forward with the long distance, !please! do not Facetime more than once or twice a week. Trust me when I say the fewer Facetimes, the better. Even though you miss her, quite frankly there isn't much to talk about day-to-day. The more you try and force conversations, the more you'll argue because you're just trying to fill the silence. I know it sounds more logical given her gap year, but be wary about her traveling to see you more than you travel to see her - one partner spending more money OR time on travel is an easy way to build resentment. I visited my partner multiple times before he came to see me because of one of his jobs and oooooh boy did it salt my snail even though it was what I had initially agreed to. And, most importantly, you have to have some ballpark of an end-date when you'll be together again permanently. If you keep pushing the goal post and thinking "eh, we'll figure it out in the future," you'll run out of steam.

TL;DR LDR sucks, is mentally taxing, and requires a lot of compromise, trust, and communication. But, it isn't impossible. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best OP!

 

[Angus Avagadro]

I was in a LDR for 3 yrs. My fiance was in college and I a 1st yr. She went to med school in the same city I was at. We got married when I was an M4 and she an M1. It was very stressful, but we each had a fierce desire to be together . Spoiler alert. My wife was an elite student and was accepted at every med school she applied to. This reduced stress prior to school, during school she went to class to socialize, and residency. Afterwards, even as specialists in large groups, one of us was on call every other weekend. I would not recommend it as I'm sure the odds of others being successful is well below 50%. In our case, our fierce desire to make this work and be together won.

 

[GoSpursGo]

You basically decided to breakup when you went to a school she can’t get into.

which is fine. But you should own that you made that choice.

 

[ACSurgeon]

You basically decided to breakup when you went to a school she can’t get into.

which is fine. But you should own that you made that choice.

Wow this sounds really extreme.

OP- getting in and through med school is hard enough. For those in a more “permanent” relationship situation (esp with kids) it is extremely difficult even beyond what it is for the rest of us. All decisions made about how broadly to apply to school/residency and factoring in kids/spouse and support systems becomes really complicated. No reason why you need to feel the same level burden for a GF who from the tone of this thread isn’t that “permanent.” You should absolutely not feel like attending your school was a fault that you feel guilty about.

I would say the OP has succeeded at his career goal and should get “dibs” in terms of receiving support in the relationship, and the GF is maybe clinging to something that may or may not work and if the GF insists to pursue medicine, she’s the one dooming this relationship, not the OP accepting a “better school”.

mall that said- OP, if you feel like the LDR can survive and you’re committed no matter what, try to make it work. If not, cut your losses and get out.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Wow this sounds really extreme.

OP- getting in and through med school is hard enough. For those in a more “permanent” relationship situation (esp with kids) it is extremely difficult even beyond what it is for the rest of us. All decisions made about how broadly to apply to school/residency and factoring in kids/spouse and support systems becomes really complicated. No reason why you need to feel the same level burden for a GF who from the tone of this thread isn’t that “permanent.” You should absolutely not feel like attending your school was a fault that you feel guilty about.

I would say the OP has succeeded at his career goal and should get “dibs” in terms of receiving support in the relationship, and the GF is maybe clinging to something that may or may not work and if the GF insists to pursue medicine, she’s the one dooming this relationship, not the OP accepting a “better school”.

mall that said- OP, if you feel like the LDR can survive and you’re committed no matter what, try to make it work. If not, cut your losses and get out.

I know you probably don’t mean it this way (or at least I hope you don’t), but this seems pretty sexist. You’re saying OP choosing a school he was pretty sure his GF couldn’t get into shares no responsibility and is just following his dream, and that his GF should give up her dream for him lest she damn their relationship. Really?

 

[ACSurgeon]

I know you probably don’t mean it this way (or at least I hope you don’t), but this seems pretty sexist. You’re saying OP choosing a school he was pretty sure his GF couldn’t get into shares no responsibility and is just following his dream, and that his GF should give up her dream for him lest she damn their relationship. Really?

Doesn’t matter which gender. The post I was replying to suggested the OP was at fault for being successful. That seemed a little backwards to me. Plenty of people aspire to go to med school and never make it. The person in the relationship who was able to make it should not have to feel guilty for being successful and for their partner’s inability to “keep up”. Grown up relationships involve sacrifice. It’s silly to ask the person who actually got accepted to med school to sacrifice that instead of asking the person who’s not able to get in. Not sure where in my post I made the gender aspect relevant. It’s more based on the facts.

For what it’s worth I know of two med student couples where the husband in each case was failing (Caribbean student) and the wife was succeeding. In these cases either the husband learns to support the successful wife or things don’t work. Both marriages ended in divorce as the husbands couldn’t accept their failure and kept chasing a dream that wasn’t gonna work!

 

[GoSpursGo]

Wow this sounds really extreme.

OP- getting in and through med school is hard enough. For those in a more “permanent” relationship situation (esp with kids) it is extremely difficult even beyond what it is for the rest of us. All decisions made about how broadly to apply to school/residency and factoring in kids/spouse and support systems becomes really complicated. No reason why you need to feel the same level burden for a GF who from the tone of this thread isn’t that “permanent.” You should absolutely not feel like attending your school was a fault that you feel guilty about.

I would say the OP has succeeded at his career goal and should get “dibs” in terms of receiving support in the relationship, and the GF is maybe clinging to something that may or may not work and if the GF insists to pursue medicine, she’s the one dooming this relationship, not the OP accepting a “better school”.

mall that said- OP, if you feel like the LDR can survive and you’re committed no matter what, try to make it work. If not, cut your losses and get out.

No it’s not extreme, it’s realistic.

People in a serious relationship have open and honest conversations before one of them makes a major life decision like moving far away for a 4 year commitment. They don’t call “dibs” on professional achievement and leave the other person to figure it out. Since that open and honest conversation didn’t happen, it doesn’t sound like it is a serious relationship to the OP, or at least not one where they can have those kinds of necessary communications.

And that is perfectly ok 🙂 I very specifically said it was ok in my prior post, and to be clear this is nobody’s fault. the OP isn’t married, and this is an entirely appropriate time in life to decide that pursuing his dream school should be prioritized. But it’s not like the OP was totally powerless in this situation and is now facing an unforeseeable outcome. I do think there was a choice here, and the OP should own it.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Doesn’t matter which gender. The post I was replying to suggested the OP was at fault for being successful. That seemed a little backwards to me. Plenty of people aspire to go to med school and never make it. The person in the relationship who was able to make it should not have to feel guilty for being successful and for their partner’s inability to “keep up”. Grown up relationships involve sacrifice. It’s silly to ask the person who actually got accepted to med school to sacrifice that instead of asking the person who’s not able to get in. Not sure where in my post I made the gender aspect relevant. It’s more based on the facts.

For what it’s worth I know of two med student couples where the husband in each case was failing (Caribbean student) and the wife was succeeding. In these cases either the husband learns to support the successful wife or things don’t work. Both marriages ended in divorce as the husbands couldn’t accept their failure and kept chasing a dream that wasn’t gonna work!

I mean I’ve been married for 9 years with 2 kids through the military, a postbacc, med school and 7 moves. My wife and I know a little about adult relationships and sacrifice. Sacrifice is involved, and it goes both ways. That doesn’t mean the person who got into a good med school needs to feel guilty, but that person absolutely shared responsibility for the relationship ending if it doesn’t end up working because it ends up be an LDR. Everything in an adult relationship is a two way street (outside of things like abuse), and adult relationships involve recognizing your part in how things go.

 

[Fatalis]

Hey everyone!

I'm currently at a crossroads on whether or not I should break-up with my LDR significant other. I am an MS1 who is just starting med school while my SO is in her first gap year, hoping to apply to med school next year. We have been dating for 4 years now and I continue to love her dearly. We text and facetime whenever we are both free in our schedules, but have recently started arguing a lot more than we have in person. Even though these arguments are superficial and we eventually resolve them, they have really been distracting. Recently, we discussed a potential end-date to the LDR when we can finally move in together or at least be in the same city. The ideal plan is for her to apply and eventually attend my current medical school, but her stats are way below the average and her chances are quite low 🙁. We plan to see each other every few months or during seasonal breaks, but will most likely be in an LDR for an indefinite amount of time. It is tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel for this LDR since there is so much in the air (The location I go to residency, where my SO goes to med school, and eventually residency?) As much as I want us to be together, I am just having a tough time imagining LDR for such a long time with no end in sight. I definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with my SO, but it's just so hard for me to imagine doing long distance for such an extended period of time with two ambitious medical careers ahead of us. I would really appreciate some insight into this situation!

Did a LDR all 4 years of med school [together for 7 years tota;l], when I was done med school and was home for a few months before residency I realized just how different we were in regards to what we wanted [she was working full time and I was about to start residency] and had zero money to my name which complicated what she wanted right then and there and what I wanted [finish residency, land a job then start "real life"]. Regardless for a LDR, the distance will ALWAYS strengthen it or deliver the final blow. The later happened with me. I felt very disconnected and ended things when I started residency. We were both upset but got over it and keep in touch. She is engaged and very happy, I am happily married with a kid on the way.
Case and point, dont settle on something that are unsure of or have your doubts about.

 

[GoSpursGo]

Did a LDR all 4 years of med school [together for 7 years tota;l], when I was done med school and was home for a few months before residency I realized just how different we were in regards to what we wanted [she was working full time and I was about to start residency] and had zero money to my name which complicated what she wanted right then and there and what I wanted [finish residency, land a job then start "real life"]. Regardless for a LDR, the distance will ALWAYS strengthen it or deliver the final blow. The later happened with me. I felt very disconnected and ended things when I started residency. We were both upset but got over it and keep in touch. She is engaged and very happy, I am happily married with a kid on the way.
Case and point, dont settle on something that are unsure of or have your doubts about.

Just want to agree with everything here, and I had a similar situation. Not LDR, but dated someone throughout med school but wanted completely different things out of our lives. She wanted to go to programs that had no good options for me, and our timelines for things outside of medicine (marriage, kids, etc) were totally off. Broke up, found my wife whose goals are perfectly aligned with mine, and am much happier for it.

This was by far the biggest thing I learned in my late 20s--love is necessary but not sufficient for a successful committed relationship. And it's important to recognize there are all kinds of reasons why a relationship can fail to last other than not liking each other. That is nobody's fault, but it's much better to recognize it before you waste more of each others' time, or worse get married.

 

[GoSpursGo]

One more piece.

I think I’ve made it clear that it sounds like a breakup is probably best for all involved. but if decide to try and make it work, and you know that your current “plan” to reunite is not realistic then you do owe her the honesty of telling her that. There are plenty of reasonable alternatives that could be proposed—accept 4 years LDR and you aim for programs where she’s going to school by then; she puts her school plans on hold until you’re done training; etc—but she deserves to know what staying in the relationship really would look like so she can also make the best decision for herself about whether or not to stay.

 

[Lawpy]

LDRs suck and are a lot of stress. I think given the situation, it's probably better to move on unfortunately.

 

[deleted1100659]

If you are already arguing now, how much will you argue during stressful periods like step 1? What happens when residency hits? You will have to vouch for your spouse in your program and hope they take her and hope she has solid enough scores to get into your program. Sure thats four years down the road, but if you're talking about marriage, i think its worth considering four years down the road.