couples

[GreenKoala]

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I have been reading this forum for a year now. Thanks to all of you for all the good advise and tips. There is something that has bothered me for a long time and I really need some suggestions. I am fortunate enough to get accepted into several dental schools. The major problem for me to decide which school to go to is not the money or the reputation of the school, but my boyfriend. He is applying to med school this year. He got accepted into one of the same schools that I got accepted to, and was waitlisted in his top choice school. Both schools are prestigious. We have been dating for more than 6 years now. I know I have no right to ask him to not stay on the waitlist for his top choice school, but I feel very uneasy that he puts his dream school over our relationship. Although he didn't say it out loud, I know if he gets accepted into his dream school eventually, he would go there for sure instead of going to the same school that we both got accepted to. His dream school is about 8 hours drive away from the school that we both got accepted to. He didn't think long distance is a problem, but I sincerely don't think long distance relationship is going to work out between us, and I really don't want this to happen. I could put down another deposit to another school that is closer to his dream school, but eventually I still have to make up my mind before April 1. After that I think schools will find out that I am holding more than one spot. Med school waitlist movement will probably start after May. I really don't know what I should do now. Talk to dental schools about putting down deposits in more than one schools after April? Go to wherever I want to go to and not care our relationship as much? Convince him to not stay on the waitlist for his dream school? or are there any other suggestios?🙁 Thank you for your help!!!

 

[youknowthedrill]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like he may be more interested in school than your future as a couple. Six years is a long time to date, but you are still very young. Sometimes people continue to date their high school sweetheart because they are comfortable together, not because they are right for each other. Its time to sit with him and ask him if he honestly sees marriage in your future (I don't mean right away, just down the road). You need to know how serious he is about the two of you before you make a decision.

 

[7 Iron]

You and your boyfriend will have to talk about what is in your future. You may be at a crossroads. Since you've been together 6 years, do you see getting married to him in your life plans? Only you and him can decide whether he wants to risk your relationship if he attends his top choice.

It sounds like even if you hold a spot at the 2nd school, that it is still a drive away from his dream school. So it will be long distance whether you hold the one acceptance or both. Therefore it doesn't really make much sense to hold two deposits.

If I were in this situation, I would ask my girlfriend/wife to attend the same school that I am going to attend, if the relationship meant a lot to me. If your boyfriend gets into his dream school, he has to decide what is more important--the relationship or the 'dream school'. However, long distance relationships are hard enough as is. Throw in med school AND dental school into the mix and in my opinion your relationship has a good chance of failing if it turns long distance. Not to scare you, but it's just reality. Good luck.

 

[Stoshdawg]

That's so unfortunate that he's not willing to make a small sacrifice like this for your future together. Why the need to go to this other school? Is it the only way he can do the specialty he wants to do? I doubt it.

My advice is to ask him if he wants to continue being in a relationship with you. If they answer is "yes," then you both need to go to the same school so that you can continue your life together.

Being in a relationship is about supporting each other and making sacrifices for one another. If he's not willing to do that with something as silly as which school he goes to, he's not going to be willing to do it ever.
Just wait till you add marriage and kids to the mix. It all only gets more complicated! Trust me I have both.

My husband is an MD and he altered his match list for me so that I could go to Dental School. Some of his favorite residency programs were in cities that didn't have dental schools. But he loves me so he happily made the sacrifice.

I'm sorry you're going through this 🙁 Hopefully he'll come to his senses.

 

[vwantihero]

I have been reading this forum for a year now. Thanks to all of you for all the good advise and tips. There is something that has bothered me for a long time and I really need some suggestions. I am fortunate enough to get accepted into several dental schools. The major problem for me to decide which school to go to is not the money or the reputation of the school, but my boyfriend. He is applying to med school this year. He got accepted into one of the same schools that I got accepted to, and was waitlisted in his top choice school. Both schools are prestigious. We have been dating for more than 6 years now. I know I have no right to ask him to not stay on the waitlist for his top choice school, but I feel very uneasy that he puts his dream school over our relationship. Although he didn't say it out loud, I know if he gets accepted into his dream school eventually, he would go there for sure instead of going to the same school that we both got accepted to. His dream school is about 8 hours drive away from the school that we both got accepted to. He didn't think long distance is a problem, but I sincerely don't think long distance relationship is going to work out between us, and I really don't want this to happen. I could put down another deposit to another school that is closer to his dream school, but eventually I still have to make up my mind before April 1. After that I think schools will find out that I am holding more than one spot. Med school waitlist movement will probably start after May. I really don't know what I should do now. Talk to dental schools about putting down deposits in more than one schools after April? Go to wherever I want to go to and not care our relationship as much? Convince him to not stay on the waitlist for his dream school? or are there any other suggestios?🙁 Thank you for your help!!!

if he chooses a school over you, then he doesn't value you as much as you think. I would never leave my wife just because I want to go to a school. I know you guys aren't married but still if you guys have been together that long there has to be something there. you don't need to try and convince him, but you do need to talk about it. put it on the table and say listen I am going to this school, what are you planning on doing? if he ends up going to the other school break it off. LDRs, especially in professional school, are hard and probably won't last anyways if you try it. its up to you



just my .02

 

[notin]

i mean, it is your relationship, only you can decide how this will affect things, but this is the sort of thing that can be discussed and decided pretty much right now. find out why he is okay with living apart for 4+ years. if he isn't on the same page as you, i'd basically consider things over. it takes a lot for relationships to work out, if he will put yours on the back-burner for something like this, yours won't.


if my wife and i only got into schools that were far apart, we would both go and deal with the long distance. but, i would not turn down any reasonable option to stay in the same location, that includes turning down my first choice school.

 

[AtlantaBraves]

My girlfriend and I are going through something similar right now. She is applying to physician assistant school, and I am applying to dental school. We have been together for three years, but know that we want to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. We both have gotten into 4 schools individually. We have gotten into one of the same schools, but it is both of our bottom schools. Two of the other schools we have been accepted to are only about 15 miles apart. What makes it difficult is that I also got into one of my top schools, but it is like 5 hours from her closest school. While it is difficult to pass up the opportunity to go to such a great school, my number one priority is being with her. She is the love of my life, and my future wife. Have you discussed marriage with the guy? Does he think it's too early to talk about it, or does he openly discuss it? It sounds like school is his #1, not you. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to ask yourself if that is right for you? One of the main reasons I chose dentistry over medicine is because I want my family and wife to always be my number 1. I think it definitely could work, but are you okay with always being #2?

 

[MAdental]

whats more important? Getting a Doctorate at your dream school or having a bf/gf. Not hard to decide, atleast not for me.

 

[Jackson-Ave-Dental]

You will learn the bulk of your dentistry after you graduate. I do not have a shred of doubt that med school would be any different.


Do the right thing... have your heart in the right place and success will follow. 👍

 

[Dusk]

Let the significant other follow their dream. If the relationship is serious enough, 4 years will be tough, but managable. But heck, what do I know.

 

[The Prologue]

whats more important? Getting a Doctorate at your dream school or having a bf/gf. Not hard to decide, atleast not for me.

Obviously its more than just a typical boyfriend/girlfriend high school relationship if it has lasted + 5 years.

 

[DrTank]

whats more important? Getting a Doctorate at your dream school or having a bf/gf. Not hard to decide, atleast not for me.

Dude.. thats kinda harsh.

MAdental, Im guessing you've never been in a serious relationship/been in love.

To the OP, I think you should follow the advise given above and sit down and talk with your man about the situation. Find out what his priorities are.

Long distance is all bad in my opinion and has never worked for me.

Take everyones advise with grain of salt. This is your relationship... ultimately you need to decide what is right for you.

 

[notin]

whats more important? Getting a Doctorate at your dream school or having a bf/gf. Not hard to decide, atleast not for me.

it is fine if you feel this way. but have fun explaining this to your bf/gf of 6 years.

Let the significant other follow their dream. If the relationship is serious enough, 4 years will be tough, but managable. But heck, what do I know.

50% of marriages end in divorce. the bf/gf young 20's distance relationship success rate is going to be staggeringly bad.

 

[shahinc]

I

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like he may be more interested in school than your future as a couple.
.

I 2nd that. If after 6 years relationship, he is choosing a school ( while having a choice to go to same school with you ) over you and your relationship, then it is time to say your goodbyes like a mature adult and know that he was NOT the RIGHT man for you.

 

[shahinc]

Let the significant other follow their dream. If the relationship is serious enough, 4 years will be tough, but managable. But heck, what do I know.

Not when you are in dental school or Med school and have ton of work and not much money for travel . If you are in your undergraduate or working and making money or doing Master and PHD and getting paid, then it is different story.

Also, another factor is the distance. LA-NYC is considered a long distance and NYC-Boston is a long distance as well but one is much more manageable than the other.

 

[MAdental]

Well, I am sorry if that is kinda harsh. Not getting into Med/dental school is kinda harsh too, but it happens.

All i am saying is that
1- OP says shes been dating this gentleman for 6 years now. Now lets see....6 years, considering they are not master/Phd students one might simply assume they are in their 4th year now, which means they started dating in grade ELEVEN. Would you all , as almost adults/full adults consider high school relationship, A REAL relationship? if you do, you are mistaken. Kids age of 15-20 dont know what the heck a relationship means. so there goes 4 years outa that 6. Now the remaining 2 means something. I mean you are technically 22-23 and you should technically care about people's feeling. Second of all, when you have a girl friend who is smart enough to get into dental school which only lest say top 20-30% of society have the capability to do, and you have a girl friend who has been with you for "6" years, i mean how many days is that? So then after all, you have this person who is smart, committed, goal oriented, cares and will make a tone of money in 5 years and you still DONT know if you should stay with her? She is not even asking you to QUIT SCHOOL. you will still be a MD, whatever school you go to.


SO back to my original post, whats more significant? getting a Doctorate at your dream school or having a gf/bf? seems like Getting the doctorate at a "dream" school is more important than a life campanion like OP who comes along every 50 years. !!!

OP,There is plenty of smart fish in dental school. Dont waste your time and live your life for you, not for a dude who does not care.

*Ps, i have been in relationships. Smart girls are rare these days which is unfortunate.
Done

 

[Amalgamate]

He can't make the decision for you, and you can't make it for him. By that I mean you need to say this is what I'll be doing, and I respect and understand any choice you make, and we'll see how things go. Like it was said sometimes people stay with the person for comfort reasons. It shouldn't be seen as an intentional strain on the relationship if you guys decide to go to different schools, this is about your career and the rest of your life. If it works out great, if not that's fine too, this is too big of a decision and too important of one to let a relationship make your decision. If you guys break up (and looking at the statistics it probably will) he'll regret it.

Bottom line, this decision is about taking care of yourself, med school and dental school would be a strain on a relationship if only one person were attending, you double that and it's really going to take some sacrifice to make this work

 

[GreenKoala]

Thanks all of you for the the valuable inputs. I really appreciate it. I talked with my boyfriend about how I feel yesterday. He still believed that if we ended up in two different places for the next four years, it would still work out fine. He is serious about our relationship, and he thinks long distance will not be a problem at all if we both love each other. I told him honestly that I have no faith in long distance relationship. I would try but I doubt it would work out. We started dating in our freshmen year second semester in college, and has been together ever since. We both finished a master degree after college. After thinking thoroughly about this relationship, I think I am going to just let it be. Although I wish we could be together, at the same time I don't want to stop him from chasing his dream. If he decided to choose the school over me, it's his decision and there is nothing I can do. If I forced him to choose me over his dream school, he might resent me for the decision in the future if he hated that school. I want him to be happy. If our relationship doesn't work out, I guess it is what it meant to be and it's his decision. After all, We are old enough to be responsible for our own decisions. 🙁

 

[iluvdentistry]

Thanks all of you for the the valuable inputs. I really appreciate it. I talked with my boyfriend about how I feel yesterday. He still believed that if we ended up in two different places for the next four years, it would still work out fine. He is serious about our relationship, and he thinks long distance will not be a problem at all if we both love each other. I told him honestly that I have no faith in long distance relationship. I would try but I doubt it would work out. We started dating in our freshmen year second semester in college, and has been together ever since. We both finished a master degree after college. After thinking thoroughly about this relationship, I think I am going to just let it be. Although I wish we could be together, at the same time I don't want to stop him from chasing his dream. If he decided to choose the school over me, it's his decision and there is nothing I can do. If I forced him to choose me over his dream school, he might resent me for the decision in the future if he hated that school. I want him to be happy. If our relationship doesn't work out, I guess it is what it meant to be and it's his decision. After all, We are old enough to be responsible for our own decisions. 🙁

Lady, I feel you. I dated the same guy all 4 years of undergrad and he got into several math doctorate programs. He got into a program in the state we lived in but also got accepted to his dream program that was a 1,000 miles away from our state. He chose to leave and we mutually decided to end the relationship when he left for school. I was, without a doubt, sure he was 'the one' and that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. After he left it took a long time to my heartache. However, a new guy came into my life unexpectedly and once again I'm really happy. All I can say is that maybe your paths will cross again in the future, maybe not. At the same time, maybe a new flame will come into your life. These are all uncertain things, but your education (and his) are not. If either you or him were fortunate enough to get into your dream school (and one that hundreds of others out there would only dream of going to), it would be a shame not to go. Basically, your situation is really sh***y, but I think it's admirable that you're listening to your heart/head and making the decision that you think is right for you. Hang tough!

 

[dentalpath]

wow...what a complex situation to be in. I think your bf maybe right though. No matter where you are if you still love each other and above all trust each other, you will be fine. You will need to make out time to see each other so thats something you both need to think about. Also, I believe if you both were married and this was the situation wouldn't you both try to make the marriage work despite the odds? If you are so in love with each other, trust your gut and do what you both feel is right.

 

[toothysmile]

wow...what a complex situation to be in. I think your bf maybe right though. No matter where you are if you still love each other and above all trust each other, you will be fine. You will need to make out time to see each other so thats something you both need to think about. Also, I believe if you both were married and this was the situation wouldn't you both try to make the marriage work despite the odds? If you are so in love with each other, trust your gut and do what you both feel is right.

If they were married her husband would be an idiot and a terrible husband to leave his wife 8 hours away just to go to his dream medical school. It's not like he HAS to go that far away, that's a different story.

I agree with what you said, GreenKoala. In the end it is his choice, you don't want to force him into something and have him resent you for the rest of his life - that's not going to be good for the relationship either. In my eyes though, him choosing that medical school over you proves that he doesn't value the relationship as much as you do. Even with your statements that you don't believe long distance will work and that eventually you guys will break up, he still chooses med school? You are half of the relationship, so you know whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship. You both will be so busy it'll be hard to find times that you are both free just to even talk on the phone. If I were you, I would not be able to handle such an absent boyfriend, even if it's out of his control. Except he does have control! He can go to your school! Oh my goddd the SAME school... it would make everything a million times easier. If he loves you so much, how can this med school outweigh the comfort and companionship that he'll get from you being right around the corner? his future wife? It's something really special to find that one person that's perfect for you out there, that you love so much, and he's risking to lose it all. If he really feels that way about you, I don't think he would choose the distant school.

Ah, what an idiot! I say just dump his ass 😉. Just kidding... although I really think you should prepare yourself for a break up. Sounds like you know that already though. Good luck! I really feel for you

(Also, since he's not factoring your relationship into where he's going to school, I don't think you should either. Choose YOUR top school too!)

 

[hugs]

Just out of curiosity, if you guys have dated for 6+years, why aren't you married, at the very least engaged, just speaking from my own experience, I dated a guy for close to seven years, and he always had a really good reason on why we weren't engaged, getting married, etc, it was always oh in the future,and no I didn't push it, just something friends and family noticed, and honestly now I wish I would have pushed more and not wasted all that time with him..are you sure your boyfriend isn't doing the same, just leading you on, because your comfortable together, or trying not to hurt you? I think you need to stand up for yourself, if you really want him to go to the same school as you, you need to tell him that, and are you sure your not looking for a way out of the relationship? Personally, I don't consider 8 hours long distance, that is doable,Realistically, you two probably wouldn't be seeing alot of each other even if the boyfriend does attend the same school, I agree mostly with MAdental, try to see things from your boyfriend's perspective, he has had his eye on becoming a doctor for awhile, maybe his entire life, and he might get the chance to go to his dream school to do that, think about how hard he's worked to achieve that, I would choose my dream school over a boyfriend in a heartbeat but that is just me, also I agree with the other person that said you should attend your dream school as well, and not build your life around someone who is just a boyfriend..I know some of this is harsh, but I've learned my lesson the hard way

 

[GreenKoala]

Thank you all for the advice. After I told my boyfriend that I would respect his decision and I would still give it a try if he ended up going to his top choice school, he decided to withdraw from that school and go to the same school with me. I am glad that everything works out fine. 🙂

 

[icedspice]

Thank you all for the advice. After I told my boyfriend that I would respect his decision and I would still give it a try if he ended up going to his top choice school, he decided to withdraw from that school and go to the same school with me. I am glad that everything works out fine. 🙂

👍

 

[icedspice]

I just wanted to say that you are a VERY VERY strong person, Koala.

I have been following the other DS vs relationship thread and came across this thread. I wish that Star293 can see how you stood up for YOURSELF... no doubt you would be very sad about losing a solid relationship, but you realized relationships are mean to be a 2 way street and gave your guy some space and time to think about it. And it worked out well in the end. Seems like your guy is smart after all 😀

 

[Just Peachy]

Thank you all for the advice. After I told my boyfriend that I would respect his decision and I would still give it a try if he ended up going to his top choice school, he decided to withdraw from that school and go to the same school with me. I am glad that everything works out fine. 🙂

👍👍👍

 

[DrRoyal Pains]

👍

 

[spearmint]

Thank you all for the advice. After I told my boyfriend that I would respect his decision and I would still give it a try if he ended up going to his top choice school, he decided to withdraw from that school and go to the same school with me. I am glad that everything works out fine. 🙂

Way to go girl! It shows a lot of maturity on both you and your bf's part. Glad to hear that things worked out in the end. I'm a sucker for happy endings. 😀

 

[Winter Wind]

Thank you all for the advice. After I told my boyfriend that I would respect his decision and I would still give it a try if he ended up going to his top choice school, he decided to withdraw from that school and go to the same school with me. I am glad that everything works out fine. 🙂

Wow that is really nice. I am very happy that this worked out for you! 👍👍👍