It really sounds like Dartmouth would make you happiest. Reading your values and goals, I immediately saw it as a frontrunner and your pros/cons confirm that as they are written.
Your concerns about Dartmouth are valid but ultimately problems you'll only deal with occasionally. Housing would be more of a pain, but once you find a place, you're golden. Buying a car is tough -- I recommend leasing a Subaru in NH! Very affordable cost and amazing in winter. Your SO not being able to visit as often is really tough but unfortunately the inconvenience will only crop up a few times.
Your concerns with the other programs are more educational/career-oriented. I just feel like you'd really thrive culturally at Dartmouth. UIC is too expensive to be a valid option here, imho.