Death of a parent during medical school

[QuakerOatslol]

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My dad passed away about two months ago. I was and still am devastated. I am an MS2. I have decided to take a year off. I didn't feel like I was capable of getting back into the hardcore grind, especially because Step1 would have been the next hurdle. As of right now, I have nothing productive planned (in terms of advancing my career), I simply know that I will continue to go to therapy and my support group. For some damn reason, I just feel guilty. Seems like a lot of this guilt is because I am taking time off, I guess I unrealistically expected myself to be able to bounce back a lot quicker. I think what happened here was that my expectations did not align with my current capabilities and it is making me feel rather defeated. Not to mention my moments of deep depression and sadness.

Anyone have any words of advice.... or better yet, any one go through a family loss while in medical school and how did you deal with it?

 

[JP2740]

Sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine how I would possibly deal with that if it happened to me. Some people here will do a better job of giving advice than I can. All I could really offer you is a bump. Good luck to you in everything.

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

My dad passed away about two months ago. I was and still am devastated. I am an MS2. I have decided to take a year off. I didn't feel like I was capable of getting back into the hardcore grind, especially because Step1 would have been the next hurdle. As of right now, I have nothing productive planned (in terms of advancing my career), I simply know that I will continue to go to therapy and my support group. For some damn reason, I just feel guilty. Seems like a lot of this guilt is because I am taking time off, I guess I unrealistically expected myself to be able to bounce back a lot quicker. I think what happened here was that my expectations did not align with my current capabilities and it is making me feel rather defeated. Not to mention my moments of deep depression and sadness.

Anyone have any words of advice.... or better yet, any one go through a family loss while in medical school and how did you deal with it?

So sorry for your loss. I lost a grandparent in MS3, it was tough. I was pretty close to them. Anyway, everyone deals with grief in different ways, if time is what you need then thats what it is. School is not a priority right now, med school isn't going anywhere. Take it slow, talk to people. And when you feel like you are ready then start.

I wish you all the best.

 

[DermViser]

Good of you to have enough insight to take a year off, rather than let things come crashing down, and then act. Don't feel guilty. Your feelings are completely natural. It will take some time to heal. I don't think anyone ever gets over the death of a parent, really. You just learn to deal with it better. Medical schools understand these things happen. This is why leave of absence policies are in place. Medical school will still be there when you get back.

I would get some counseling to deal with your feelings of grief which you're having right now, which are very valid. Definitely wishing you the best. You can get thru this.

 

[QuakerOatslol]

Good of you to have enough insight to take a year off, rather than let things come crashing down, and then act. Don't feel guilty. Your feelings are completely natural. It will take some time to heal. I don't think anyone ever gets over the death of a parent, really. You just learn to deal with it better. Medical schools understand these things happen. This is why leave of absence policies are in place. Medical school will still be there when you get back.

I would get some counseling to deal with your feelings of grief which you're having right now, which are very valid. Definitely wishing you the best. You can get thru this.

thanks a lot dermviser, hit home.

 

[Siggy]

Don't feel guilty. Take the time off the mourn and cope. Medical school will always be there and it's much much better to take time off now, then to try to power through Step 1 and a rotation or two to realize that you should have taken time off. Once you feel ready again, you can always try to get some research done or something similar. However take your time.

Everyone reacts differently. Everyone has different needs when it comes to coping. My mother passed away just as I was starting my last rotation of medical school, and thankfully the rotation site was great with allowing me time to fly back (it was an away rotation on the other side of the country) and come back and make up shifts. I honestly don't know how I would have dealt with it if it occurred as I was starting 3rd year and was looking towards Step 1 and a non-stop rotation schedule, in contrast to 1 final EM rotation (hence very easy to make up shifts and a relatively large amount of time and days off compared to, say, surgery) before having 2 months off before residency.

 

[tco]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. We all play these scenarios through our heads, but no one ever expects to go through what you are right now. Very sorry for you and your family.

This is a trying situation. You have immense awareness to your situation to have the foresight to take time off without being forced to do so, or to under perform because of grief. Grieving is what you should be doing now, not studying for an exam.

I have not gone through this, but anecdotally, there were students in my class that experienced loss in the same way as yours. They tried to battle through unsuccessfully. There was also a student who underwent cancer treatments who took a significant amount of time off. That individual did well and graduated on time. The point I'm trying to make is that you made the right decision to take time off. Never feel bad about that choice.

 

[JJMrK]

So sorry for your loss. Best of luck with everything.

 

[mirabelle]

My dad passed away about two months ago. I was and still am devastated. I am an MS2. I have decided to take a year off. I didn't feel like I was capable of getting back into the hardcore grind, especially because Step1 would have been the next hurdle. As of right now, I have nothing productive planned (in terms of advancing my career), I simply know that I will continue to go to therapy and my support group. For some damn reason, I just feel guilty. Seems like a lot of this guilt is because I am taking time off, I guess I unrealistically expected myself to be able to bounce back a lot quicker. I think what happened here was that my expectations did not align with my current capabilities and it is making me feel rather defeated. Not to mention my moments of deep depression and sadness.Anyone have any words of advice.... or better yet, any one go through a family loss while in medical school and how did you deal with it?

I am a pre-med, my friend died years ago from a brain cancer. Here is what happened to me in the chronological order:
1) Felt bad, couldn't sleep, except from 6am to the evening. Go to school half asleep, failed 4 classes.
2) Took 1 week break with my cousin (out of my town) plus zopliclone to sleep and started to hate my familly and all the people, listened to wierd music of rap, that now I can't handle, Studied very hard, pushed myself hard, did cardi until my asthma vanished...I was in a war against my feelings
3) Conflicts happened in my family, I was kind of unrecognizable and my new me didn't fit in my family anymore. That conflict probably has more consequences that I think, first consequence: I felt the pain again. I cried so hard, I didn't know that person mean that much for me. I still remember him.
4) deep depression, suicidal, 2 years of break and stoped all medication (not good), read the quran, grow up spiritually, embraced life a bit more by accepting pain as a part of what a human being can normally feel.
5) Intermittent depression (depression being a mistake for me now after all that I've learned), a lot of tears of joy when I remember God and I still feel pain about the loss of that person but I accept it and I don't want anything to make me forget it, it is just a part of my story.
6) I try to prepare my MCAT and picture myself as a person who is willing to work and make a positive change in this world before I leave it just like the others left.
I don't love life, I love being alive, I want to be positive and be part of the solution instead of the problem and the deep depression was a way for me to realise that all the thoughts are not good to listen to, I mean sometimes I think this and that but after some critical thinking I can see that following them is a mistake. Depression makes you have a lot of bad thoughts but also, it is a way to grow and learn. When you can't travel horizontally, then travel vertically, from the bottom to the top.I hope that this message will help you, but the truth is God helped me and He is the one who can help you. Believe it, this is my strongest advice. (you can find english language mistakes in this message, please excuse me, it's not my mother tongue)

 

[drdisney]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if this will help or not, but my dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease 2 days in to my second to last block of MS1. It was a total surprise and really blindsided me, but I was so close to the end that I tried to push through...with disastrous results. Now I'm going to have a remediation / fail on my transcript that has to be explained away. I'm trying to take the summer to decide whether or not I can really go through MS2 while my father's illness progresses.

Point being - you did the right thing. If I could go back a month and tell myself to ask for help and take time off, I absolutely would. I thought I was holding it together and functioning, but in reality I was devastated and depressed and not concentrating. And even though I've now had a therapist explain to me that it was out of my control, and that I can't just force myself to push through a trauma, I still feel like you do, mad at myself for not just holding it together. Those of us in medical school tend to be so hard on ourselves, and never want to ask for special treatment or make excuses. But there are situations where asking for help is absolutely appropriate, and this is one of them.

Maybe you can find some research to do while you recuperate this year. If that would not be too taxing on you, it could be great for your resume, while still letting you grieve outside of the high-pressure environment of school.

 

[deleted480308]

You made the right call by being cautious and asking for a year of leave.....a year of leave is not the bad mark on your record that failing everything would have been

keep seeking the help and support you need, god bless

 

[Kahreek]

My condolences.
I can't imagine going through something like that. Dermviser put it very eloquently.
Use this year to meditate, remember your father forever. Be strong. Step 1 and the rest of med school will be a breeze compared to what you are feeling.

 

[celkon]

my mom passed away during my 3rd year, was rough, but ask your self would your parent have wanted you to take a year off? If I didn't have step 1 out of the way already it would have been a different story.

i kept going, it was extremely tough, gets a little easier after 2 months or so, not completely healed after a year either, still think about her all the time

 

[atomi]

my mom passed away during my 3rd year, was rough, but ask your self would your parent have wanted you to take a year off? If I didn't have step 1 out of the way already it would have been a different story.

i kept going, it was extremely tough, gets a little easier after 2 months or so, not completely healed after a year either, still think about her all the time

It doesn't matter what your parent would have wanted. What's important is what you want and what you need. OP should not feel guilty. There is no shame in deviating from the traditional path. This profession is stupidly obsessed with timely progression. Life doesn't always work that way. Unfortunately there are those that will frown upon anybody who does anything other than 4 years college-->4 years med school-->4 years residency-->directly into job. But times are changing and people don't always think like this anymore. People take a year off to travel, explore a different career, volunteer, mentally heal oneself, whatever. Does this mean you aren't qualified to do anything other than menial labor for the rest of your life? Of course not. Hang in there OP and take all the time you need. There are plenty of us out there who judge people as human beings not as robots.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Lots of good advice here.

I lost someone close to me during residency and took time off - after it was apparent I needed it. I returned to work too soon and the change in my demeanor and behavior was quite apparent to everyone except me. It didn't help that I was already exhausted and beat down when it happened. My PD and I talked about it and a LOA was suggested. After much thought, I agreed and I'm convinced I wouldn't have finished residency successfully without having done it.

There is no shame and should be no guilt for taking a LOA when you need it. You have a reasonable explanation for the gap in education and if it will help you achieve your goals, its a good choice.