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Discussion in 'Pre-Medical - DO' started by HomerJ, Jun 18, 2001.
I just thought a good laugh would be in order for all those waiting for scores.
This is too much!
I'm sure we all have felt that way!
Not a deep thoughts qoute. These are student test answers, but still funny:
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
I've got to try the Disneyland trick. That's so mean, but oh so funny!
An email I received a while back:
Hot & Cold
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year-- "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
Sweet! The Hell question is absolutely hilarious.
Don't know if this is verbatim, but here's my favorite DT:
Sometimes, when I'm angry at a person, I like to carve a jack-o-lantern and leave it on their porch with a knife through it and a note attached that says, "You."
Here's something funny I got in my email today.... The only thing that really made me laugh was the last line. Sorry for the dumb arrows (part of the message).
> >> > > > > > > RECIPE FOR LOVE:
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > 2 Laughing eyes
> >> > > > > > > 2 Well-shaped legs
> >> > > > > > > 2 Loving arms
> >> > > > > > > 2 Firm milk containers
> >> > > > > > > 2 Nuts
> >> > > > > > > 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
> >> > > > > > > 1 Firm banana
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > Directions:
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > 1. Look into laughing eyes.
> >> > > > > > > 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
> >> > > > > > > 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until
> >> > fur-lined mixing
> >> > > > > > > bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
> >> > > > > > > 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and
> >> > until well
> >> > > > > > > creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk
> >> > > > > > > 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and
> >> > with nuts,
> >> > > > > > > leave to soak (preferably not over night).
> >> > > > > > > The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't
> >> > repeat
> >> > > > > > > steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > Notes:
> >> > > > > > > 1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
> >> > after use.
> >> > > > > > > 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
> >> > > > > > > 3. If cake rises, leave town.
Here's one from Steven Wright:
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
Another from SW:
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"We are on an irreversable trend towards more feedom and democracy - but that
could change" -D. Quayle
Check this out:
Things not to say during your interview:
I don't know what topic this should go under but I wanted to know if there was a way to check if AACOM application service has processed my application and sent it to the medical schools? Thanks. By the way there are some wacked out comments on this thread!
Well Gator, that's about as far off subject as I have ever seen anyone go on this board. You should post your question as a "New Topic". Good luck with your application.
And, you are right, there are some strange things in this thread.
Try this for strange!
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
blanks. -- Emo Phillips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said,
"Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips
I hope everyone is enjoying these tidbits.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't
I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like
what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I
said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I
said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,
"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed
baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips
More from Steven Wright:
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents
in? Somebody's makin' a penny.
I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a
I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you
couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and
someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I like to leave messages before the beep.
You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on
just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch
yourself? I feel like that all the time.
I think the last post from you that I saw said you were going to reapply this year...appears that you have found a home for the fall.
Thanks electra. I think you might be confusing me with Homer J Simpson because fortunately I did not have to reapply. But my heart goes out to those who are. Hang in there.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
I just wanted to say that I love this thread. It is my kind of humor. Great job putting it together. It's a great stress reliever. Keep up the good work Homer.
I love this one. Keep 'em coming HomerJ.
Here it is ladies and gentleman. My own Deep Thoughts Quote. I made this up all by myself!!
Sometimes I wish I were a lampshade. That way if it got too hot I would be in the shade.
Thank you all. I'm glad that someone is enjoying this. I will do my best to post funny material for everyone's enjowment. Thanks for the positive feed back.
More deep thoughts by Jack Handy:
One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
"Before putting someone down, you should try walking a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes."
don't remember where I heard that one...
Love the one about the jack-o'lantern!
here's one from a physician teaching us the physical exam of the male genitalia while also stressing the importantance of malpractice issues involved: "always palpate the penis and cover your ass!"
We will rediscover a [New York City] river so extravagantly polluted that new
life forms will emerge from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting
If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
Even the best friends can't attend each otheras funerals.
- - --Kehlog Albran--
Some Calvin and Hobbes quotes:
"You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what
"I flunked a test today, but I don't mind."
*"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I
"I don't need to study! I don't need to learn!"
"I can always get by on my good looks and charm!"
*"Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!"
"I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."
"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and
you're just a reflection of him?"
"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest
of my life...procrastinating and rationalizing."
*"Reality continues to ruin my life."
"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, since the
average man can see better than he can think.
How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a couple
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition, doesn't mean
he knows what it is.
Children never misquote you! In fact, they often repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
It may be your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
The trouble of doing something right the first time is that no one
appreciates how difficult it was.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts
and economists?--Kelvin Throop III
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been
searching for evidence which could support this--Bertrand Russell
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter
the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable
if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering--The Doctor
Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.
Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
The mistakes you regret the most in your life
are the ones you didn't commit when you had the chance.
-- Helen Rowland
When faced with the choice between two evils,
I always choose the one I haven't tried before.
-- Mae West
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.