Deep Thoughts...

[HomerJ]

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at
that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I just thought a good laugh would be in order for all those waiting for scores.

Good luck!

Homer J

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[HomerJ]

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.

He,he!

Homer J

 

[HomerJ]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good
joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.

This is too much!

Homer J

 

[HomerJ]

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I'm sure we all have felt that way!

Homer J

 

[HomerJ]

Not a deep thoughts qoute. These are student test answers, but still funny:

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the
bull."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."

Enjoy!

Homer J

 

[Jamier2]

I've got to try the Disneyland trick. That's so mean, but oh so funny!

 

[Boomer]

An email I received a while back:


Hot & Cold
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year-- "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
freeze."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN

 

[HomerJ]

Sweet! The Hell question is absolutely hilarious.

Homer J

 

[dtreese]

Don't know if this is verbatim, but here's my favorite DT:

Sometimes, when I'm angry at a person, I like to carve a jack-o-lantern and leave it on their porch with a knife through it and a note attached that says, "You."

 

[kidterrific]

Here's something funny I got in my email today.... The only thing that really made me laugh was the last line. Sorry for the dumb arrows (part of the message).

> >> > > > > > > RECIPE FOR LOVE:
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > 2 Laughing eyes
> >> > > > > > > 2 Well-shaped legs
> >> > > > > > > 2 Loving arms
> >> > > > > > > 2 Firm milk containers
> >> > > > > > > 2 Nuts
> >> > > > > > > 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
> >> > > > > > > 1 Firm banana
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > Directions:
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > 1. Look into laughing eyes.
> >> > > > > > > 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
> >> > > > > > > 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until
> >> > fur-lined mixing
> >> > > > > > > bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
> >> > > > > > > 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and
> out
> >> > until well
> >> > > > > > > creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk
> >containers.)
> >> > > > > > > 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and
> >cover
> >> > with nuts,
> >> > > > > > > leave to soak (preferably not over night).
> >> > > > > > > The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't
> >soften,
> >> > repeat
> >> > > > > > > steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
> >> > > > > > >
> >> > > > > > > Notes:
> >> > > > > > > 1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
> before
> >and
> >> > after use.
> >> > > > > > > 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
> >> > > > > > > 3. If cake rises, leave town.

 

[HomerJ]

Here's one from Steven Wright:

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

 

[HomerJ]

Another from SW:

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

 

[HomerJ]

"We are on an irreversable trend towards more feedom and democracy - but that
could change" -D. Quayle

 

[HomerJ]

Check this out:

Medical School Quotes I

These are actual quotes that I heard first-hand last semester. I thought
it might be humorous for you to hear a glimpse of the future (and teachers)
of medicine.


"The way I see it, I don't know anything." -med. student

"It's a powerful thing, vomiting." -med. student

"I sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't."
- pharmacology professor

"If I was a woman ...." -female med. student

"There are no wrong answers." -oncology professor

"I wouldn't mind an open book test." -med. student

"I have a feeling that if you know this tomorrow [during the exam]
you'll be 8 points smarter than you are right now." -hematology professor

"I really do think, though, that people who think they're normal have
really big problems." -med. student

"You've got to see our compost pile. It's amazing, man." -med. student

And one oldie but goody (which I did not hear first hand!):
"A finger in the mouth and a finger in the rectum makes a good physician."
- Sir William Osler (famous 19th century physician)

 

[HomerJ]

Things not to say during your interview:

A number of unusual statements made by candidates during the
interview process:

"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."

"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."

"I get excited very easily."

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

"I am fascinated by fire."

"I like tall women."

"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."

"People are always watching me."

"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."

"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."

"I never get hungry."

"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."

"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."

"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."

"My legs are really hairy."

"I think I'm going to throw-up."

 

[HomerJ]

A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology
at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation
class, Fall semester 1991.
- - -
"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why
would you bother?"

"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant
other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior.
"

"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to
reload, I don't know."

On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious
as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."

"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective."

"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."

On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same
thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."

On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no
self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You
can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."

"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like
to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."

"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual."

"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'"

"We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't
remember."

"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent."

"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous
fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."

"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."

"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."

On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad
relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain
them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired
and happy."

"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own
business."

"Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this
rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing."

"Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll
say 'Thank you.'"

"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and
oxygen."

"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management."

"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm,
caring, sensitive human being."

"You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately
knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on."

"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."

"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not
a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."

"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your
problems."

"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."

"There are two universes: for males, and for females."

"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."

"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."

"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the
moment."

"Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'"

"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you
have to."

"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."

"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living."

"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant."

"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"

"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal,
happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."

 

[Gator]

I don't know what topic this should go under but I wanted to know if there was a way to check if AACOM application service has processed my application and sent it to the medical schools? Thanks. By the way there are some wacked out comments on this thread!

 

[Jamier2]

Originally posted by Gator:
•I don't know what topic this should go under but I wanted to know if there was a way to check if AACOM application service has processed my application and sent it to the medical schools? Thanks. By the way there are some wacked out comments on this thread! •

Well Gator, that's about as far off subject as I have ever seen anyone go on this board. You should post your question as a "New Topic". Good luck with your application.

And, you are right, there are some strange things in this thread.

 

[HomerJ]

Try this for strange!

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
blanks. -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said,
"Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips

I hope everyone is enjoying these tidbits.

Homer J

 

[HomerJ]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't
I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like
what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I
said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I
said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,
"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed
baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips

 

[HomerJ]

More from Steven Wright:

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents
in? Somebody's makin' a penny.

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a
megaphone.


I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you
couldn't park anywhere near the place.


I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and
someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.


You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on
just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch
yourself? I feel like that all the time.

 

[electra]

HomerJ...
I think the last post from you that I saw said you were going to reapply this year...appears that you have found a home for the fall.

congratulations.

 

[HomerJ]

Thanks electra. I think you might be confusing me with Homer J Simpson because fortunately I did not have to reapply. But my heart goes out to those who are. Hang in there.

 

[HomerJ]

Today's thoughts:


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

 

[Dr6]

I just wanted to say that I love this thread. It is my kind of humor. Great job putting it together. It's a great stress reliever. Keep up the good work Homer.

 

[Jamier2]

Originally posted by HomerJ:
•3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.•

I love this one. Keep 'em coming HomerJ.

 

[wooo]

homer rocks!

 

[dude7]

Here it is ladies and gentleman. My own Deep Thoughts Quote. I made this up all by myself!!
Sometimes I wish I were a lampshade. That way if it got too hot I would be in the shade.

 

[HomerJ]

Thank you all. I'm glad that someone is enjoying this. I will do my best to post funny material for everyone's enjowment. Thanks for the positive feed back.

 

[HomerJ]

More deep thoughts by Jack Handy:

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

 

[Doc Oc]

"Before putting someone down, you should try walking a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes."

don't remember where I heard that one...

Love the one about the jack-o'lantern!

 

[Pikevillemedstudent]

here's one from a physician teaching us the physical exam of the male genitalia while also stressing the importantance of malpractice issues involved: "always palpate the penis and cover your ass!"

 

[HomerJ]

We will rediscover a [New York City] river so extravagantly polluted that new
life forms will emerge from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting
rights.
--Douglas Adams

If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
--Stanley Garn

If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
--Kelvin Throop

Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
--John Dewey

Even the best friends can't attend each otheras funerals.
- - --Kehlog Albran--

 

[HomerJ]

Some Calvin and Hobbes quotes:

"You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what
it is."

"I flunked a test today, but I don't mind."

*"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I
accept."

"I don't need to study! I don't need to learn!"

"I can always get by on my good looks and charm!"

*"Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!"

"I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."

"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and
you're just a reflection of him?"

"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest
of my life...procrastinating and rationalizing."

*"Reality continues to ruin my life."

"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."

 

[HomerJ]

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, since the
average man can see better than he can think.

How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you
are on.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.


If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a couple
car payments.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition, doesn't mean
he knows what it is.

Children never misquote you! In fact, they often repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

It may be your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.

The trouble of doing something right the first time is that no one
appreciates how difficult it was.

 

[HomerJ]

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts
and economists?--Kelvin Throop III

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been
searching for evidence which could support this--Bertrand Russell

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter
the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable
if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering--The Doctor

Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.

Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"

 

[HomerJ]

The mistakes you regret the most in your life
are the ones you didn't commit when you had the chance.
-- Helen Rowland

When faced with the choice between two evils,
I always choose the one I haven't tried before.
-- Mae West

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.