Disadvantaged Essay Help!!

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[winterwind_23]

Greetings,

This is my first post/thread on here so please help me out. I need help with my disadvantaged statement. Please let me know if there are any gramatical errors as English is not my first language.

Thanks for the help in advanced guys.

I come from a family of two immigrants, my dad being Peruvian and my mother Dominican. My parents never made more than $20,000 dollars a year, but still manged to put me through private school so I could learn English in Puerto Rico. I come from a home of poverty, alchoholism, drugs and domestic violence. I grew up seeing things no child should ever see their parents do and visiting one to many police stations throughout my life. I was constantly working at my mothers community store, with no pay, because we could not afford to hire employees. At the age of 18 I tried to attend college, but withdrew my application as I couldn't afford it, even after getting a full pell grant. I had no choice but to join the Army for four years of active duty and two combat deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan in order to finally pay for my education. I currently take care of my mother (who is diabetic with arthritis), go to school using my Post 911 GI Bill, and hold a part time job to make ends meet. If it weren't for the FAP program, I would not have been able to pay to take the MCAT, let alone apply to medical schools at $30 an application.

I won't judge for content, since I' no expert. Personally, I think it's fine though. I fixed some grammar and wording choices for you, so you should be ok on that front.

I come from a family of immigrants: my father is Peruvian and my mother is Dominican. My parents never made more than $20,000 dollars a year, but still manged to put me through private school so I could learn English in Puerto Rico. I come from a home of poverty, alchoholism, drugs and domestic violence. I grew up seeing things no child should ever see their parents doing and visiting one too many police stations throughout my life. I was constantly working at my mothers community store, with no pay, because we could not afford to hire employees. At the age of 18, I tried to attend college, but withdrew my application as I couldn't afford it, even after getting a full pell grant. I had no choice but to join the Army for four years of active duty and two combat deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan in order to finally pay for my education. I currently take care of my mother (who is diabetic with arthritis), go to school using my Post 911 GI Bill, and hold a part time job to make ends meet. If it weren't for the FAP program, I would not have been able to afford to take the MCAT, let alone afford to pay for medical school applications.

 

[winterwind_23]

I forgot - you should probably capitalize Pell Grant.

 

[charlie517]

I could use some help too! I'm a non-trad and finding it really hard to say everything and staying within 1325. I had to cut it down a LOT.

"Until the age of nine, my family endured years of inadequate healthcare, political turmoil, and financial struggle in Peru. Although my parents worked hard to establish their careers there, they left it all behind so we could have better opportunities in life. As immigrants, we struggled to keep financially afloat since my parents worked for minimum wage. Still, they always resisted accepting any federal financial assistance. Eventually they found better jobs, but due to language barriers they weren’t able to rebuild their careers in the US. With their guidance, I did well in school and obtained entry to a running start program for 2004. Yet, due to some complications, we had to go back to Peru before starting it. After two months, only my sister and I were able to return. We stayed with my brother supporting each other without our parents. Although I was the recipient of the Bright Futures scholarship, I had to put my education on hold since my parents now depended on us to support them financially. With the support from husband, by 2008 I was able to continue my studies, though we lived off scholarship money and part-time work. We accumulated a lot of debt, but slowly have been able to achieve enough financial stability to sponsor my parents and begin to reunify our family once again after ten years. "

 

[LizzyM]

@charlie517

"In Peru, my family endured years of inadequate healthcare, political turmoil, and financial struggle. When I was 9, we immigrated to the US. My parents worked for minimum wage and struggled to keep afloat financially. Eventually they found better jobs, but due to language barriers they were not able to rebuild the careers they had in Peru. With their guidance, I did well in school and by 2004 I was poised to begin college classes while still in high school. Unfortunately, we had to go back to Peru before those classes even began. After two months, my sister and I were able to return to live with our brother but without our parents. Although I was the recipient of a Bright Futures scholarship, I had to put my education on hold because my parents now depended on us to support them financially. By 2008, with the support from husband, I was able to continue my studies while working part-time. Slowly, after ten years, we have been able to achieve enough financial stability to sponsor my parents and begin to reunify our family."

1042 with spaces.

 

[Cawolf]

@LizzyM edited it perfectly, but I would just fix one mistake in the last sentence:

"By 2008, with the support of my husband, I was able to continue my studies while working part-time. Slowly, after ten years, we have been able to achieve enough financial stability to sponsor my parents and begin to reunify our family."

 

[charlie517]

@LizzyM thanks so much! I will use this and add a sentence or two I added afterwards! 🙂

 

[charlie517]

Thanks @Cawolf !!

 

[Cawolf]

@winterwind_23 @many5724

My review of the edited essay:

I come from a family of immigrants: my father is Peruvian and my mother is Dominican. My parents never made more than $20,000 a year, but still manged to put me through private school so I could learn English in Puerto Rico. I come from a home of poverty, alcoholism, drugs and domestic violence. I grew up seeing things no child should ever see their parents doing and visiting one too many police stations throughout my life. I was constantly working at my mothers community store, with no pay, because we could not afford to hire employees. At the age of 18, I tried to attend college, but withdrew my application as I could not afford it, even after getting a full Pell Grant. I had no choice but to join the Army for four years of active duty and two combat deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan in order to finally pay for my education. I currently take care of my mother (who is diabetic with arthritis), go to school using my Post 9/11 GI Bill, and hold a part time job to make ends meet. If it weren't for the FAP program, I would not have been able to afford to take the MCAT, let alone afford to pay for medical school applications.

-Remove "dollars", the $ sign means USD already.
-Alcoholism misspelled.
-"couldn't" to "could not"
-Pell Grant - proper noun (mentioned above)
-It is 9/11, a date, not 911

 

[aesklepi]

I could use some help too! I'm a non-trad and finding it really hard to say everything and staying within 1325. I had to cut it down a LOT.

"Until the age of nine, my family endured years of inadequate healthcare, political turmoil, and financial struggle in Peru. Although my parents worked hard to establish their careers there, they left it all behind so we could have better opportunities in life. As immigrants, we struggled to keep financially afloat since my parents worked for minimum wage. Still, they always resisted accepting any federal financial assistance. Eventually they found better jobs, but due to language barriers they weren’t able to rebuild their careers in the US. With their guidance, I did well in school and obtained entry to a running start program for 2004. Yet, due to some complications, we had to go back to Peru before starting it. After two months, only my sister and I were able to return. We stayed with my brother supporting each other without our parents. Although I was the recipient of the Bright Futures scholarship, I had to put my education on hold since my parents now depended on us to support them financially. With the support from husband, by 2008 I was able to continue my studies, though we lived off scholarship money and part-time work. We accumulated a lot of debt, but slowly have been able to achieve enough financial stability to sponsor my parents and begin to reunify our family once again after ten years. "

This is important information to address in your PS, as well (give you more space).

 

[charlie517]

This is important information to address in your PS, as well (give you more space).

THANKS!!! 🙂

I my touch on this again on secondaries. I barely mentioned it on my PS. Don't want to focus on the immigration journey.

 

[Cawolf]

^ Guy spams SDN by promoting his business and talking about the importance of proofreading.....has like 4 typos in his post. #logic

Mods deleted his post so now you just appear to be calling me out for my business promotion!