May 20, 2017
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I'm writing the essay portion of my AMCAS application on why i think i should be considered a disadvantaged applicant. I am a little confused on what all to include, but this is what I have come up with thus far. Any feedback would be helpful! Thank you!


I grew up in an immigrant family. We moved to the United States when I was four years old to a poor and rural community in Lexington, Kentucky. My father worked many blue collar jobs and since my mother was a stay at home mom we relied solely on my father for income. We eventually moved to South Carolina to be around some relatives that lived in the area. Financially things got really bad for my father when I was around 10 years old and my mother and sisters went back to live with my grandparents in Amman, Jordan while my father stayed in the U.S. to work. A couple years later when I was 15 I moved back to the states when my father became a United States citizen and later on my mother and sisters moved back as well. It was then that my family started receiving financial assistance through SNAP benefits and Medicaid. Which was the first time anyone in my family had any sort of health insurance. Before this the only times my sisters and I interacted with a doctor was at the local state department to make sure we were up to date on our vaccinations.



I only have about 300 characters left if I wanted to add anything. Please send me any thoughts on what I should add or omit.
 

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I'm writing the essay portion of my AMCAS application on why i think i should be considered a disadvantaged applicant. I am a little confused on what all to include, but this is what I have come up with thus far. Any feedback would be helpful! Thank you!


I grew up in an immigrant family. We moved to the United States when I was four years old to a poor and rural community in Lexington, Kentucky. My father worked many blue collar jobs and since my mother was a stay at home mom we relied solely on my father for income. We eventually moved to South Carolina to be around some relatives that lived in the area. Financially things got really bad for my father when I was around 10 years old and my mother and sisters went back to live with my grandparents in Amman, Jordan while my father stayed in the U.S. to work. A couple years later when I was 15 I moved back to the states when my father became a United States citizen and later on my mother and sisters moved back as well. It was then that my family started receiving financial assistance through SNAP benefits and Medicaid. Which was the first time anyone in my family had any sort of health insurance. Before this the only times my sisters and I interacted with a doctor was at the local state department to make sure we were up to date on our vaccinations.



I only have about 300 characters left if I wanted to add anything. Please send me any thoughts on what I should add or omit.
I think you need to work on the grammar/syntax/punctuation. It seems a little long winded and hard to read.

Allow me to provide one example, "My father worked many blue collar jobs and since my mother was a stay at home mom we relied solely on my father for income."

Could be reworded to, "The blue collar jobs my father worked provided the only source of income for our family." I don't think it is necessary to discuss your mom in this sentence. I'm not a college major in this arena, but I do know from reading this it isn't as good as it should/could be.
 
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