distance from SO, should it be deciding factor?

Veterinary School Application Advising Ad
This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
G

gracietiger

Full Member
10+ Year Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2009
Messages
196
Reaction score
1
Members don't see this ad.
Hi, I know there are many threads about this, but I'm looking for some pretty specific insight. My husband has decided to attend professional school in New York City this fall so we are gearing up for a move. It seems sensible for me to become a NY resident. However, UPenn is the school closest to NYC and one that I have been interested in applying to. I am now deciding whether it would be worth it for me to live in Philly to gain residency while the hubby does the NYC thing. We'd be about 2.5 hours apart.
What I am wondering is if distance really matters once we'd be looking at being over a couple of hours apart. Is there a huge difference between 2.5 hours and 6 hours as a vet student?
I am concerned that I would end up living in Philly alone for a year just to gain residency, only pursue Penn and then discover that I'd be so busy that driving 2.5 hours on weekends isn't any more feasible than being six hours away, or even, cross-country. If this was a little half hour jaunt, that's one thing, but 2.5 hours in a congested area could be 6 hours of driving for a day trip.

Just curious what some of your thoughts are!
 
Tough one to decide for you but it doesn't have to be 2.5 hours.

Amtrak (or even septa to NJ transit) would be just over an hour.
How bout living in the middle and getting 40 minute-ish commute each.

Also, maybe you can skip the residency in PA. With funding issues there might not be any help to in-state students at Penn (currently about 10k savings).

And yes 2.5 hours is a lot different that 6 hours. Weekends together is a snap one way and a major hassle the other.
 
Agreed with Startingovervet - it sounds like a potentially workable situation if you are both committed to making it functional, and both understand the time and effort involved in living apart. It won't be easy, but if that's what it takes for you to go to vet school and for him to go to his professional school.
 
Thank you all so much!!! It is quite promising that so many others are in the same shoes. It's pretty amazing though that we even have these kinds of options, so I am just thankful to even have to post such a topic.

Something I am curious about, which is a little off topic, is a few people remarked about how becoming a Penn resident won't help with tuition. I humbly admit that perhaps I am very unaware of the current status of Penn funding, but as far as I can tell, there is a 10k savings for in-state students, which can end up being quite a bit in the long run. Is this expected to change?
 
gracietiger said:
Something I am curious about, which is a little off topic, is a few people remarked about how becoming a Penn resident won't help with tuition. I humbly admit that perhaps I am very unaware of the current status of Penn funding, but as far as I can tell, there is a 10k savings for in-state students, which can end up being quite a bit in the long run. Is this expected to change?
Click to expand...

I too am not well versed in the nuances of Penn funding, but I think the point is that it's not a 14k IS vs 45k OOS difference you're talking about. 40k over four years is definitely nothing to sneeze at, but Penn is still a very expensive school even for IS.
Do the research on this, but I seem to remember a big fuss over Penn now having more seats for OOS than for IS due to funding issues. As someone already pointed out, your odds are still probably better IS, but Penn does accept a good number of OOS students.
Best of luck! :luck:
 
I agree with TheEvilShoe, it's up to you and your personal priorities. I'm currently at UC Davis, and my husband lives in L.A., 6 hours away. It's far enough that we only see each other every 3-4 weeks.

When deciding where to apply, I definitely took into account where my husband and family is. Along with UC Davis, I applied to schools close to my family (Ohio, Penn, Michigan) because if I wasn't going to get into Davis and be close(ish) to my husband, I wanted to be near my family. Luckily I got into Davis; if Ohio was my only acceptance, I would've went, but I know it would be a million times harder as I wouldn't see my husband nearly as often.

But I didn't let it be the deciding factor 100%. Western is in SoCal, and if I had applied and been accepted there I would've been able to stay and live with my husband. However, I knew that the school and learning style was not right for me and that I wouldn't be happy there, so I didn't apply.

I'm extremely happy with my decision, and I love vet school here at Davis. It's definitely hard (sometimes almost unbearable!) to live away from my husband, but we understand the sacrifice and we know that it's temporary and for our future. We talk several times a day (maybe less during finals, hah), Skype pretty regularly, and send each other flowers/cards/etc. and our marriage is as strong as ever.
 
While I have no insight as to residency for NY or PA, I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 years. My boyfriend and I went to high school together in Chicago, then he went to University of Pittsburgh and I went to Auburn (14 hour trip by car, 6 by plane apart) and now I am going to U of Illinois and he is going to be a PhD student at Cornell in the fall. 2.5 hours apart would make a HUGE difference. Although, I've always said that I'm kind of glad we are SO far apart because it is inaccessible: no temptation to drive to see him when I need to be studying, or feeling guilty because he wants to visit but I need to study. I think that if you would get benefits from living in Philly for this year that you should do it. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, and if it brings you closer to achieving your goals, IMO, that is the most important. If he is worth it he should understand. That's how I've ended up in this situation for at least 8 years, and while I would love to spend more time with him, I am so happy with the decisions I've made and he is equally happy with his own decisions. So we're both winning.

Anecdotal, I know, but just the viewpoint of someone who's been doing it long distance for a while 🙂
 
If your husband is starting school in the fall and you will be applying for class of 2015, it may be worth considering your husband's employment prospects after he graduates since presumably he will graduate before you will. It may be a good idea to consider schools that are located in areas where your husband will be employable even if it may result in your being farther apart for your first year or two. Just another thought.
 
Thank you all! I knew this wouldn't be easy, but given that so many of you have also successfully tackled long distance, there's hope that we can both achieve our career dreams. Vegansoprano, it is a great idea to consider his career prospects. In reality, that year that we do not overlap in school is likely to be another long-distance year!
 
TUITION AND FEES: 2009-10 $33,814 resident and $42,398 non-resident.
ENTRANCE REQUIREMENTS: Approximately 51 percent of the student body are residents. - I guess this is now 66%

http://www.aavmc.org/vmcas/college_requirement.htm

#applicants: 1000 oos, 250 is
- so 16% of IS get accepted and 8% of OOS. Up to you if you think those stats are worth the distance apart.
 
Last edited:
My husband and I live 3.5 hours apart, in different states.

Unless one of you has the time to do the commute for visits, there isn't a huge advantage of a few hours vs half a day. If one of you is able to do the weekend commute, you may still find it is better to only do the commute every couple of weeks, using the weekends without a visit to study more intensely to free time up during visits. We originally planned to share the driving. Now my husband does it so I don't lose the 7 hours of studying.

Unless clinical rules are different at PA, I wouldn't try the 40 minute commute. I know I couldn't do it, would miss a lot of oppurtunities, and would have to relocate after 3rd year to within 20 minutes of the hospital.

Alot will depend on you and your partner. For us, living several hours apart is just typical of life. there are days that are hard, but there are days it is great to not have to worry about the other....or consider the other when we come home from a stressful day.
 
2.5 hours away vs. 6 hrs - Yes, you will be extremely busy. I doubt you'd go visit your sig fig in NY every weekend because like others have said you will be busy studying and also seeking hands on activities. However, whenever either of you does have a break or a "free" weekend, 2.5 hrs is WAY more doable than 6 hours. And like startingovervet said, the Amtrak is only like an hour or something reallllly short. So instead of traveling time equaling 1 day total, it would be 2 hrs total. It makes a big difference. Can you imagine driving 6 hrs after class friday, getting there at midnight, spending saturday relaxing, and having to leave sunday at noon???

I was debating this last year too, my IS was 5 hrs away and Penn was my OOS and only 2.5 hours away. In the end my choice was made for me because I was waitlisted at my IS, but I did decide to withdraw myself from the waitlist because I knew I would choose to be closer to my sig fig and family and the 5 hour drive to my IS school made a big difference. (of course, there were also other factors too). A lot of people would say this is a bad idea tuition wise, but IMO, I'm willing to pay more for the things/people that make me happy.
 
once you hit 6 hours, I think you would probably fly rather than drive for visits.
 
I've been doing long distance with the boy for the last year and it's gone great for us - we're about five driving hours apart with both of us working. I know that next year will be the hardest for us as we get used to a whole different schedule with vet school thrown in the mix. As a PA resident, Penn would have added only another hour of driving to our distance and would have been the closest to both him and family. Buuuut...I knew that living in West Philly and paying that much for IS tuition was not for me. Plus, all of the vets that I work with went to Penn and encouraged me to go elsewhere if I had the chance.

Having someone else involved with this decision wasn't something I ever planned on, but life happens. And if having him around meant that the decision was more complicated, it was definitely worth it! I knew however I sliced it we'd be long-distance for at least two more years because he can't leave his job in Pittsburgh. After my second year, however, his company will kick him out to complete his MBA at one of a list of 15 schools; it will then be fully paid for. I figured if I found a school nearby one or two of those choices, our chances of living closer in two years would be better. So yeah, it was definitely a factor.

I finally decided on Wisconsin over Missouri even though it was slightly more expensive and further away. I figured the airport was easier to access (about 6 hours of travel time would be needed each leg of the visit) and in two years, Chicago had two MBA schools that were on my boyfriend's employer school list, which would reduce our time apart to two hours. Much more manageable.

And THEN I was lucky enough to get called off the NCSU waitlist in April. Attending that school was always my first choice for a whole ton of reasons. First, once I hopefully gain NC state residency, overall cost of attendance drops dramatically, making it my "cheapest" option. Second, it's only an eight hour drive and four hour air travel from family and boy - not too bad. Third, it is located right next to all of the boy's extended family, which will be great if I need a break from my apartment. Fourth, both UNC and Duke are on the boy's list of schools...which means we can actually finally live in the same town in two years!

Moral of my story? There are a LOT of factors that come into play in making this choice, and the happiness of you and your significant other are not unimportant by any means. While, yes, I think your hubby or partner should support your dreams, maintaining your relationship in a way that will make you happy can also be critically important. Everyone is different - some people would be willing to do four years of trans-Atlantic long distance while others can't imagine a summer apart. To be honest, I think vet school will keep you so busy during the week that a Philly to NYC distance won't be that bad. One of you getting on the train each Friday to visit for the weekend is more than doable - you can study while you travel!

While distance is distance and it always prevents you from seeing the other person as often as you like, I'll tell you that I wish the boy and I were only two to three hours apart instead of five to six. When I get out of work at 8:00 pm, a five-hour drive is not as feasible as a three-hour drive would be. So yeah, there's a difference. As far as gaining residency, if you don't want to go through that extra year, I wouldn't bother for UPenn. You really don't get a very large tuition break unlike at some other schools, and the funding they give their IS students could EASILY disappear with this economy. PennVet is financially struggling. A LOT. An easy way to save some money is take away that mini-grant to their PA residents. So I wouldn't make a huge life-altering decision based on that small savings if I were you.
 
NittanyKitty said:
While distance is distance and it always prevents you from seeing the other person as often as you like, I'll tell you that I wish the boy and I were only two to three hours apart instead of five to six. When I get out of work at 8:00 pm, a five-hour drive is not as feasible as a three-hour drive would be. So yeah, there's a difference.
Click to expand...


Welcome to NCSU!

What I have found, in my first year, was that even relatively short drives became issues. That might just be me. But, when I have class till 4:30pm on Friday, and start again at 8am, I couldn’t justify the drive home (currently 3-3.5 hours.) I would have to run home, pack the dogs up, get on the road hitting rush hour in this city, then construction on the way home…putting me home at 9pm at the absolute earliest, if I didn’t make any stops (food, fuel.) Then, since I prefer not to be tired through Monday (8am-4:30pm) I would need to leave at least early enough to get home before midnight. So, at latest I would leave by 7pm on Sunday (construction, potential accidents, etc.) That generally meant I was sacrificing at least 7 hours often going into weeks with 2-3 exams to see my husband for a total of 46 hours with ~16 of those sleeping, and still generally needing to study. I think that is why, once you start creeping up in hours of drive time (with the associated pack, fuel, food, etc) it becomes far less of a difference between 2 hours and anything above that. I would love to use the train (similar travel time, but I could study) but it doesn’t accept pets. So then I would either have to ask someone to petsit (which I won’t ask unless I am willing to pay or the relationship is reciprocal) or kennel my dogs.

Maybe I am the only vet student that found my schedule overwhelming. I have taken several electives (required for my focus area) and am doing research (strongly recommended for my focus area) which may have added some time and stress (and decreased time available for studying during the week.) But I quickly realized that I couldn’t do the drive. I may have also been turned off by traffic jams going out of this city, and by all sorts of things going wrong the first couple of times I did it. I am incredibly fortunate that my husband took up the slack… and can work from home when he is here, so he drives up Thursday night (I don’t get out of class till 6pm) and study as much as possible between class and his arrival (9-10pm.) Then he leaves on Sunday around noon, and I pack study groups into that evening, particularly anatomy lab reviews. I try not to schedule wetlabs for weekends he is visiting, and we look at the semester schedule before the beginning of the semester and try to figure out what the best weekends are. He doesn’t come up the weekend or two before finals, and if I have a heavy couple of weeks (2 tests in a week followed by a week with three tests) we may schedule the visits farther apart.

I think every couple has to find what works for them. I don’t know anyone who routinely drives more than two hours during the semester to visit SO’s or family. Several students may make the drive (up to 2 hours) 2-3 times….most of those were dealing with family medical issues or planning weddings. We did have at least one person drop out because of distance to an SO. We also had close to half a dozen people move closer to the school (from a 40-60 min commute to a 10-15 minute commute) during the first semester, and even more over this past summer. We do have fall, winter, and spring breaks, and several holidays that provide 3 day weekends (when students who do drive home tend to take off.) Part of the decision will also depend on your interests and how involved you are. A lot of zoo, emergency, and shelter wetlabs and opportunities happen on weekends. Just some details of my personal observations of my class.
 
Nothing to add except that I find listening to lectures (either ipod, or generally burnt onto CD) while driving AMAZING!!! It just sticks in my head so effectively... sometimes I get the urge to just go for a drive to study, instead of sitting at my desk. I don't have to commute to anyone (for me to drive home to my family would take 3 days non-stop driving...) but if you do, consider trying it. You might be pleasantly surprised!
 
sumstorm said:
Welcome to NCSU!...Just some details of my personal observations of my class.
Click to expand...

Thanks for welcome and all of the great insights!

I guess none of us will really know what it's like until we get there. And I have a feeling that a lot of us (or at least me!) might be underestimating how time and labor-intensive vet school will be. Having good communication and lots of understanding in a relationship will go a long way toward keeping long-distance a viable option. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do the traveling at least twice a semester, but we'll see.
 
It's well documented that I'm really, really screwed up when it comes to relationships. I am incapable of committing and I'm perfectly fine with that. That is my disclaimer.

That in mind, in my case having an SO around when I'm busy with work/school type stuff is like, a ridiculous source of stress. I'm really selfish it turns out, and having to reciprocate someone "being there" for me and "caring" about me enough to ask about stupid mundane details of my day just makes those things not worth it as far as I'm concerned.

So I think that with the right type of person, for me, long distance would actually be better as I still have my complete and total 100% freedom during my precious little off-time to go play hockey or disappear in the mud with my bike or hang out with my friends on my terms. For my whole adult life people have said to me "you just haven't met the right person yet. you'll know..." or whatever. Well, for me, the "right person" would be someone who basically just leaves me alone and lets me interact with them on my terms. The quandary with that is that such a person would most likely annoy me for being too spineless. :laugh:

So yeah, if you're like me (and I hope for your own sake you aren't!) you probably already know the extent to which you feel comfortable letting a relationship affect your decisions. But the real reason I'm posting this is to just be the voice that says it's okay if you feel this way too!! I think a lot of times people with my mindset are pressured to feel guilty whether it's explicitly through family and friends or indirectly through society's emphasis on relationships and family. But don't.
 
Nyanko, I'm totally with you. My cats are the only meaningful relationships in my life and I'm actually okay with that!
 
Nittanykitty, you will be able to manage at least twice a semester (particularly if you are including vacations in there) but there are also a couple of nice 3day weekends.

Nyanko, I do agree. When I am stressed, it is far better for all involved that I live seperately from my SO...and that is he 3.5 hours away. At those times, we are lucky if he gets 10 minutes on the phone, because I can be cranky, and unfortunatly, if I have been keeping my crankiness to myself all day while listening to 'I'm so poor, but I'm traveling overseas on a trip that I paid at least $4k to do for the fourth time this year, and no one will help me, and I need someone to buy me lunch' types of comments, that crankiness is more likely to show up with my spouse.

Of course, I don't know how it would work out if he was here all the time, maybe the extra household chore coverage, computer fixing, errand running would outweigh the negatives of distraction, occasional conflict, and crankiness. I do miss him more during the summer (I am doing reseach in a couple of places, so am not spending time at home but am doing all the driving for visits!)
 
I can tell you, from undergrad (obviously a huge, tremendously different can of worms), I lived in NY and my bf went to school outside Philly. Now my school was in upstate NY, so I didn't deal with much trouble until this year. I moved back home (near NYC) and had to drive to see him outside Philly. It is NEVER a two hour drive. When you count the Philly traffic (and trust me, 476 near Philly has been in construction for at least 5 years now), 95 traffic at anytime during the day and week, other than 3 am, the GW Bridge and, heaven forbid you have to drive ANYWHERE through Long Island...its not 2.5 hours. At all. Try 3.5 hours on a good day. Its taken me as much as 7 once with the traffic. Anyway, my point here has only been this: if you DO decide to move to Philly- Amtrack that bad boy. Good luck!
 
nyanko said:
It's well documented that I'm really, really screwed up when it comes to relationships. I am incapable of committing and I'm perfectly fine with that. That is my disclaimer.

That in mind, in my case having an SO around when I'm busy with work/school type stuff is like, a ridiculous source of stress. I'm really selfish it turns out, and having to reciprocate someone "being there" for me and "caring" about me enough to ask about stupid mundane details of my day just makes those things not worth it as far as I'm concerned.

So I think that with the right type of person, for me, long distance would actually be better as I still have my complete and total 100% freedom during my precious little off-time to go play hockey or disappear in the mud with my bike or hang out with my friends on my terms. For my whole adult life people have said to me "you just haven't met the right person yet. you'll know..." or whatever. Well, for me, the "right person" would be someone who basically just leaves me alone and lets me interact with them on my terms. The quandary with that is that such a person would most likely annoy me for being too spineless. :laugh:

So yeah, if you're like me (and I hope for your own sake you aren't!) you probably already know the extent to which you feel comfortable letting a relationship affect your decisions. But the real reason I'm posting this is to just be the voice that says it's okay if you feel this way too!! I think a lot of times people with my mindset are pressured to feel guilty whether it's explicitly through family and friends or indirectly through society's emphasis on relationships and family. But don't.
Click to expand...

OT: My take on happiness/enjoyment and being in a relationship.....

From a statistical point of view you are guaranteed to have much higher volatility (higher highs and lower lows) in a relationship. Some people prefer stability, some prefer excitement.

In the end, the real question is does your mean get higher in the relationship? For me it has, for others it gets lower. Completely personal choice and it certainly depends on your data-set!

See, emotions can be examined rationally if you are diseased with financial thinking. Now, don't get me started on supply/demand curves for intimacy! 😍
 
After being in a horrible relationship where I made the stupid choice to move in with and got stuck in a lease with a douche, I told myself that I am not going to compromise what I want for my vet education for any guy. So when I first started seeing this super sweet guy 9 months ago, I told him I'm not going to date him since I'm leaving for vet school anyway. Well... things blossomed from there since, and we've really become lovebirds (I go to all of his family functions and he'll be coming home to Japan with me this winter) but just as I'd told him at the beginning of the relationship, I'm shipping myself off to CO while he stays in MA. He knows how much I've wanted to go to CSU, and is truly happy for me... but I still feel bad that I said no to Tufts where I could easily spend some weekends and vacations with him (~1 hr ride, or even less if he moved closer to me when he moves out).

I know that if our relationship goes south and I chose Tufts, I'll resent the fact that I gave up my dream school (and more importantly being with my birdies) for this guy. That I'll be much happier with myself if I just went to my dream school after a failed relationship. And I'd like to think that a relationship that doesn't work because I'm pursuing my dreams wouldn't have worked out no matter what I chose... but a part of me wonders if my decision to leave my SO might possibly lead me to lose the person who could have been the love of my life, and that's hard.

OT, but somehow it seems related: My bf's stepmom's dog just gave birth to 8 puppies last week. I had a dream that I was so overwhelmed by my maternal feelings for these pups that I started lactating! I was drifting in and out of sleep, and every time, I nudged my bf on the shoulders to wake him and went "i just dreamed that i was lactating babe" like a broken record.
 
StartingoverVet said:
That conversation in the middle of the night would scare the hell out of me. :scared:
Just saying from a guys point of view.....
Click to expand...

haha, well we went to his family's cookout the day before and the two of us were playing with one of his cousin's little kids, and when one of his relatives jokingly commented about how great we were with the little girl, and it was my bf who was like "oh i guess it's a great time then to announce that minnerbelle's pregnant!"

so he was askin for it! i think after the third time or so (when i was a bit more awake and could remember what he said), he went "babe, are you trying to tell me something?"
 
I don't know how some of you do it 😕
My ex lived 6 hours away and I only saw him once every 8 weeks. My current boyfriend is going to school 5 hours away in September and I think it's going to end up the same way.
 
I live 1.5 hours away from my SO, and for us it's the perfect distance. Close enough that if either of us were to have an emergency we could easily get to each other, far enough that anything other than a weekend visit during non-emergency times is ridiculous.

I'm with Nyanko on the whole situation. If he were with me, it would just be too much stress. This way, we can each do our thing during the week and weekends before exams, and when I have a free weekend (most weekends) I drive home. It might mean leaving Friday night, it might mean leaving Saturday morning; but even if I'm heading there Saturday morning and back Sunday afternoon, I can leave my backpack behind and be a normal person for 24 hours.

That being said, I wouldn't really like being farther away, because that time to get home, recharge, and be completely removed from vet school has been amazing.
 
DVMorBust said:
I live 1.5 hours away from my SO, and for us it's the perfect distance. Close enough that if either of us were to have an emergency we could easily get to each other, far enough that anything other than a weekend visit during non-emergency times is ridiculous.
Click to expand...

Yeah...I woud have to agree. I think that is why I tend to say once you hit the 2 hour mark, the amount beyond that starts to blur until your crossing multiple time zones.
 
DVMorBust said:
That being said, I wouldn't really like being farther away, because that time to get home, recharge, and be completely removed from vet school has been amazing.
Click to expand...


some of us aren't that fortunate. my contract school is 8 hours away from where my SO and family live. i wish i was only going to be 1.5 hours away, b/c i definitely think i could benefit from having 24 hours to put school aside and relax with my loved ones. you're lucky to have that 🙂
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

D
It Finally Happened (DVM Tried to Dissuade me from Vet Med)
2
Replies
93
Views
4K
battie
battie
keimeko
Transfer from Ohio to Colorado
Replies
6
Views
626
megadorkie
megadorkie
thebunnygirl
What should my backup plan be?
Replies
2
Views
875
pp9
pp9
K
Is it worth it?
Replies
5
Views
1K
mondakroopa
M
supershorty
GGoats ThWWee: Here It GGoats Again - GAME THREAD
93 94 95 96 97
Replies
5K
Views
52K
vampyrica
vampyrica
Top