Divorce advice

[MasterOfTheSelfie]

Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance if this post is in the wrong section. I'm currently finishing up my M2 year, and my wife left me a few months ago. She tells me she does not want a divorce, but also insists that she does not want to get back together (at least right now?). As much as this devastates me, I feel it is best for me to move on. But I have a problem: I'm a little bit paranoid after seeing my parents go through their divorce. My dad is a doctor and ended up paying my mom through the nose after they split. I don't want that to happen to me. So is anyone able to shed some light on how alimony works? Obviously as a student I don't have much money to give, but one day I will make a good salary, and I don't intend on giving away a big chunk of it to her if I don't have to. If I divorce her now, would I be able to save myself from paying her more money later? I'm not sure how this works and any advice would be appreciated.

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[libertyyne]

lawyer now.

 

[esob]

We can't offer legal advice here on SDN. Please seek the help of a qualified attorney to answer your question. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and wish you the best.

 

[Smurfette]

Talk to a divorce attorney. I would think divorcing ASAP is better for you, but it looks like you have a kid based on old posts, and that makes things far more complicated.

 

[Espressso]

I don't have much advice but am posting to say I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you are able to work it out for yourself. I couldn't imagine going through that during med school.

 

[MasterOfTheSelfie]

Thanks everyone, I have contacted a few attorneys for consultation. It's not easy but we all have struggles in life and I thank you for helping me through this one. Hope you all have a great weekend.

 

[Dr G Oogle]

Divorce now.

 

[altblue]

Thanks everyone, I have contacted a few attorneys for consultation. It's not easy but we all have struggles in life and I thank you for helping me through this one. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Sorry to hear this is happening to you during dedicated... I wish you the best with everything

 

[naijacardriodoc]

Wow she did this during dedicated. Can’t even wait till you’re done with your exams...*sigh* sorry you are going through this. Try to stay focused. Glad she showed you who she is. You’re better off now.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

The nice view: she’s confused about her feelings and does not know what to do, it is a sad situation all around.

The cynical view: Once you have your MD, it is much easier for her lawyers to say that you owe her money for the rest of your life because she helped you “get through med school.” That is why she is holding off most likely. She’s already figured this out from her own attorneys. Divorce ASAP.

Either way, I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

 

[Goro]

Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance if this post is in the wrong section. I'm currently finishing up my M2 year, and my wife left me a few months ago. She tells me she does not want a divorce, but also insists that she does not want to get back together (at least right now?). As much as this devastates me, I feel it is best for me to move on. But I have a problem: I'm a little bit paranoid after seeing my parents go through their divorce. My dad is a doctor and ended up paying my mom through the nose after they split. I don't want that to happen to me. So is anyone able to shed some light on how alimony works? Obviously as a student I don't have much money to give, but one day I will make a good salary, and I don't intend on giving away a big chunk of it to her if I don't have to. If I divorce her now, would I be able to save myself from paying her more money later? I'm not sure how this works and any advice would be appreciated.

Very sorry to hear this.

If you were my own son, I'd tell you to get a damn good divorce lawyer, NOW. Don't let this fester. That gangrenous limb has to come off now.

 

[Instatewaiter]

The nice view: she’s confused about her feelings and does not know what to do, it is a sad situation all around.

The cynical view: Once you have your MD, it is much easier for her lawyers to say that you owe her money for the rest of your life because she helped you “get through med school.” That is why she is holding off most likely. She’s already figured this out from her own attorneys. Divorce ASAP.

Either way, I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

This was exactly what I was going to say. The closer to the end of medschool, the more allimony you'll be on the hook for- if through some states say the wife is entitled to half of your medical degree! Now, you don't exactly have an income. You're going to be relatively safe unless you wait. Is there evidence of infedelity?

Anyone who wants to separate but leaves the door open to reconciliation, wants their cake and to eat it too. Doesn't work like that. Either you're in or out. She wants to play the field and have a backup plan too. That's crap.

Pull of the band-aid as quickly as your state's legal system will allow. Find someone who is better and will support you appropriately.

 

[ChymeofPassion]

Divorce ahora

 

[Splenda88]

The nice view: she’s confused about her feelings and does not know what to do, it is a sad situation all around.

The cynical view: Once you have your MD, it is much easier for her lawyers to say that you owe her money for the rest of your life because she helped you “get through med school.” That is why she is holding off most likely. She’s already figured this out from her own attorneys. Divorce ASAP.

Either way, I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

Lol... Women seem to be a lot smarter than men when it comes to these things...

I know a hospitalist that makes a ton of $$$ (350k+) who thought that cute SW really liked him, and as soon as she became pregnant she cut off all communication with him. She is getting a nice child support check for 18 yrs now.

OP better lawyer up...

 

[Chlorini]

Divorce ASAP. The child support will be bad enough.

TBH, after all I’ve seen and heard, I wouldn’t recommend marriage for a physician unless it was to another physician. And I say this as a married female who isn’t married to a physician.

Assume the worst. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

 

[njtrimed]

The nice view: she’s confused about her feelings and does not know what to do, it is a sad situation all around.

The cynical view: Once you have your MD, it is much easier for her lawyers to say that you owe her money for the rest of your life because she helped you “get through med school.” That is why she is holding off most likely. She’s already figured this out from her own attorneys. Divorce ASAP.

Either way, I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

^^^ This, and everything else everyone has said. I read this to my husband, who was a stay-at-home dad to a toddler and newborn while I was in med school. He said the same thing: get the divorce ASAP, so that it’s finalized before you graduate. It can take years if there are no extenuating circumstances, and you need it on record that she initiated this before you were even halfway through school.

I am sorry you’re going through this, but better days are ahead. Best of luck!

 

[beaglesbagles]

Child support is a lot less than alimony for high earners.

Plus, most people don't begrudge giving money to feed their kids. The ex wife's date night handbag on the other hand....

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

I spoke to a friend who is an attorney. He said that in some states, you can argue “half the degree” for alimony which means you’re on the hook for the rest of your life. Yikes. And this is why I didn’t get married til after I was already an attending.

 

[You shall know the Truth]

I spoke to a friend who is an attorney. He said that in some states, you can argue “half the degree” for alimony which means you’re on the hook for the rest of your life. Yikes. And this is why I didn’t get married til after I was already an attending.

Wow, this is crazy!

 

[Giovanotto]

I straight up don't know if I ever want to get married because I have so much to lose.

See, what you do is immediately lower your partners expectation. You see, X, I plan to work part time, and retire around 45-50.

 

[naijacardriodoc]

I straight up don't know if I ever want to get married because I have so much to lose.

same!!!

 

[Eye-eye]

Talk to a divorce attorney. I would think divorcing ASAP is better for you, but it looks like you have a kid based on old posts, and that makes things far more complicated.

My understanding is that alimony/child support are based on your income, so I would think now is better as well, though a good attorney on the other side might argue for including some reference to future income, who knows? OP definitely needs a lawyer (borrow money from parents or even a private loan if you have to, I could see this divorce costing hundreds of thousands depending on state laws if it's screwed up). And while I'd like to take the optimistic side like @OrthoTraumaMD, even if it's true, if she can't handle med school with you, how is she going to handle residency? Even many attending jobs? She left during dedicated, and while that can be a hard time for a couple, that's also so incredibly selfish and ****ty to do to someone, when she could have suffered through (probably not seeing you much anyway) for a couple months and done it after you're done with step. Is that really someone you see building a solid life with? Is it worth the risk of her bailing out once she sees attending life isn't all sunshine and roses, and taking hundreds of thousands from you each year for the rest of your life? I agree with most on here, lawyer up and bite the bullet.

 

[Dr. Rafiki]

Without knowing even a shred of deeper information, let me offer an alternative: try to work it out with her if you still love her.

If my wife left me during medical school I would drop out without hesitation if that is what it took to get her back. The fact that there are kids involved would make me double down on that approach.

Either way, 100% agree you need to speak to a lawyer. Just don't forget about that other human that you once loved so intensely that you promised you'd spend the rest of your life with her, through thick and thin.

 

[studentxx8800]

Without knowing even a shred of deeper information, let me offer an alternative: try to work it out with her if you still love her.

If my wife left me during medical school I would drop out without hesitation if that is what it took to get her back. The fact that there are kids involved would make me double down on that approach.

Either way, 100% agree you need to speak to a lawyer. Just don't forget about that other human that you once loved so intensely that you promised you'd spend the rest of your life with her, through thick and thin.

This mindset is what make so many men of this generation so weak in the eyes of women and easy to take advantage of. If a woman who swore to love you through thick and thin before and then suddenly tell you she no longer want to be with you then trying to take advantage of your asset in the most apparent way, you think it’s a good idea then for a man to completely abandon his career, ambitions, and goals in life just to crawl back to beg for her affection again? A woman will almost never respect such a man and in the light of already clear lost of interest may even become resentful that she was married to such a man who has no self-respect. You cannot force affection and once a woman has stated that she is no longer interest in you, that’s when you respect both her decision and your own self and move on. Kids are much better off with happily divorced parents then miserable couples who have no affection toward one another. A man needs to know where the line is drawn and must act for his interests when it is appropriate as opposed to crawling at the feet of a woman

 

[Dr. Rafiki]

This mindset is what make so many men of this generation so weak in the eyes of women and easy to take advantage of. If a woman who swore to love you through thick and thin before and then suddenly tell you she no longer want to be with you then trying to take advantage of your asset in the most apparent way, you think it’s a good idea then for a man to completely abandon his career, ambitions, and goals in life just to crawl back to beg for her affection again? A woman will almost never respect such a man and in the light of already clear lost of interest may even become resentful that she was married to such a man who has no self-respect. You cannot force affection and once a woman has stated that she is no longer interest in you, that’s when you respect both her decision and your own self and move on. Kids are much better off with happily divorced parents then miserable couples who have no affection toward one another. A man needs to know where the line is drawn and must act for his interests when it is appropriate as opposed to crawling at the feet of a woman

I feel bad for you. Hopefully one day your distorted view of love changes for the positive.

 

[studentxx8800]

I feel bad for you. Hopefully one day your distorted view of love changes for the positive.

No need to feel bad for me since I certainly don't need or want it. Just hope one day you wake up to the reality and not living in a make believe Disney world before it change your life and not for the better man

 

[altblue]

No need to feel bad for me since I certainly don't need or want it. Just hope one day you wake up to the reality and not living in a make believe Disney world before it change your life and not for the better man

I mean I agree with the sentiment, but the red pill undertones about weak men undercut your point

In general people should just leave marriages that aren't good and can't be saved, especially when there are financial concerns like the OP's

 

[Dantrolene FC]

A lawyer talked to class a few years ago. He said if your marriage is on shaky grounds, divorce ASAP. Divorce now, especially before you get your degree is what he said.

He also mentioned something about having to pay them if they supported you through your degree. So get a lawyer and look into divorcing ASAP.

I have yet to meet a doctor who recommended marriage... But then again, I've met a lot of divorced doctors.

 

[studentxx8800]

I mean I agree with the sentiment, but the red pill undertones about weak men undercut your point

In general people should just leave marriages that aren't good and can't be saved, especially when there are financial concerns like the OP's

If you don’t consider a man who is willing to give up everything about himself to please a woman weak then there’s really no point for me to engage in a conversation with you cause we will never see eye to eye. It’s really not about red or black or whatever color pill concept you read on the internet but only about a healthy amount of self respect a man must have to be a respected man

 

[Chlorini]

Whoa, whoa .

Marriage is not butterflies and snowflakes. People change; and they change what they want, too. I love my husband, but if he said "you can't be a doctor", it would be over in a heartbeat. There's more to marriage than love. I could still love my husband and it not be a good match/marriage.

As someone who has been married over 10 years, I can tell you that in order to have a successful marriage, you need to change with the person. If one of you won't or can't, it simply won't work.


Like I said, the happiest married people in medicine are physicians married to other physicians. To protect your assets, marry another doctor or someone in a high-paying field.

Get that pre-nup. Also, watch who you have a "relationship" with in general. Child support is 25% of your pre-tax income (with no maximum amount).

 

[KunoichiDoc]

If you don’t consider a man who is willing to give up everything about himself to please a woman weak then there’s really no point for me to engage in a conversation with you cause we will never see eye to eye. It’s really not about red or black or whatever color pill concept you read on the internet but only about a healthy amount of self respect a man must have to be a respected man

Everyone needs to respect themselves to be respected. What you're talking about isn't respect; it's some other societal rubbish.
Why is this weak thing even part of the conversation? When women give up everything thing to please a man is that weak? Or is it that any person who gives up everything about themselves weak? I didn't realise that it was clear why this woman is leaving or that medical school has anything to do with it. Mr. MasterOfTheSelfie, I wish you the best with finishing school and becoming a physician. It sounds like you're already committed to divorce. If you've already come to that resolve, I hope that you find a loving, mutually respectful future partnership/relationship and happiness that aligns with your commitment to becoming a physician. Continue to be resilient and I hope that you'll be able to get your financial concerns out of the way so that you can focus on other things important in life.

 

[altblue]

If you don’t consider a man who is willing to give up everything about himself to please a woman weak then there’s really no point for me to engage in a conversation with you cause we will never see eye to eye. It’s really not about red or black or whatever color pill concept you read on the internet but only about a healthy amount of self respect a man must have to be a respected man

That's not my thought process at all here. I'm a dude who also overcame many obstacles to get into med school. I have hobbies and friends I care about. I wouldn't give up any of that to be with someone and I wouldn't recommend anyone do so without an excellent reason

I'm just tired of framing men as strong versus weak and that you must do x or y to be a strong man and earn women's respect. It goes both ways, both men and women should make the decisions that are best for them in the long run and more often than not that means following one's career, and be with partners who respect their particular career goals

Some parents in particular may legitimately have demands that make med school a difficult proposition, like special needs. I don't think this is the case of the OP as I've already expressed my sympathies, but it's worth noting that every situation is different too and deserves individual consideration

 

[esob]

Please remember to keep your responses professional and that there is a real person involved in a difficult situation. I'd rather not lock this thread but I am quickly tiring of handing out infractions to people who refuse to display common courtesy to one another.

 

[Instatewaiter]

I have yet to meet a doctor who recommended marriage... But then again, I've met a lot of divorced doctors.

I'm an attending and recommend marriage.

I also recommend leaving toxic relationships early.

Please remember to keep your responses professional and that there is a real person involved in a difficult situation. I'd rather not lock this thread but I am quickly tiring of handing out infractions to people who refuse to display common courtesy to one another.

Mods have gotten soft these days. Everything gets a thread closed down.

 

[IMGASMD]

I'm an attending and recommend marriage.

I also recommend leaving toxic relationships early.



Mods have gotten soft these days. Everything gets a thread closed down.

they didn’t call us “snowflake generation” or “strawberry generation” for nothing.....

Edit: it’s a more generalized “we”. I am actually gen x.

 

[solitarius]

Why don't you be a real man?

Gender stereotypes are losing appeal with a lot of people these days, myself included. A "real man" is someone else's expectation of you that you did not meet. Men and women are increasingly comfortable finding an expression that works for them and free from rigid traditional norms.

 

[DokterMom]

Why don't you be a real man?

Gender stereotypes are losing appeal with a lot of people these days, myself included. A "real man" is someone else's expectation of you that you did not meet. Men and women are increasingly comfortable finding an expression that works for them and free from rigid traditional norms.

Always measure your life by your own yardstick. Trying to live up to someone else's expectations, when they are incompatible with your own, is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry you're going through this OP, and I hope your lawyer can help you work toward an equitable and amicable solution. Such divorces are rare, but they do exist. And yeah, much better sooner than later.

Next time - pre-nup.

 

[Mass Effect]

I have yet to meet a doctor who recommended marriage... But then again, I've met a lot of divorced doctors.

You need to meet better people then. I'm an attending and 100% recommend marriage and no, your spouse does not need to be a high earner or doctor. Mine isn't.

That's not my thought process at all here. I'm a dude who also overcame many obstacles to get into med school. I have hobbies and friends I care about. I wouldn't give up any of that to be with someone and I wouldn't recommend anyone do so without an excellent reason

I'm just tired of framing men as strong versus weak and that you must do x or y to be a strong man and earn women's respect. It goes both ways, both men and women should make the decisions that are best for them in the long run and more often than not that means following one's career, and be with partners who respect their particular career goals

Some parents in particular may legitimately have demands that make med school a difficult proposition, like special needs. I don't think this is the case of the OP as I've already expressed my sympathies, but it's worth noting that every situation is different too and deserves individual consideration

This. Marriage is about compromise. Dreams don't always align and some dreams aren't always doable. If you have 5 kids, are 42, and $30K in debt and you want to go back to school to do a post-bacc with your eye on med school and your spouse said no way, I think you were a terrible spouse to do it anyway. I'd respect you much more for compromising with your spouse - maybe look into PA school under those circumstances or do something else with the rest of your life or save up the money without having to take out insane loans.

 

[Mass Effect]

Always measure your life by your own yardstick. Trying to live up to someone else's expectations, when they are incompatible with your own, is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry you're going through this OP, and I hope your lawyer can help you work toward an equitable and amicable solution. Such divorces are rare, but they do exist. And yeah, much better sooner than later.

Next time - pre-nup.

Pre-nup wouldn't have worked in this case.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

You need to meet better people then. I'm an attending and 100% recommend marriage and no, your spouse does not need to be a high earner or doctor. Mine isn't.

Yep. My wife and I are the only people from our respective residency classes who married doctors. So we're talking 1/12-14 who married doctors.

 

[calivianya]

Push for the divorce.

This happened to me last year - got divorced the summer between M1/M2 year. He said he just wanted to leave and not get divorced yet; I told him that if he was leaving we were getting divorced, period, because I wasn’t going to stay married to him when he was living with and screwing someone else. And that we were going to finalize it *right then* before he finished moving his crap out and into his new “love nest” with the other woman, who knew he was married the whole time.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s awful, horrible, soul-sucking, and just so much worse than anyone can tell you until you go through it yourself. IMO it’s even worse that this... person... sprung it on you while you were vulnerable and relying on her for help in med school. We don’t get much more vulnerable than this.

My ex-husband is working, I’m not. We chose to do a simplified dissolution of marriage without an attorney, with no alimony for either side. I live in a state that allows same day divorces - you walk in in the morning, fill in the paperwork, and get divorced that afternoon. Since we sold our home before we moved here, and just mutually agreed not to loot each other’s bank accounts and that we could each keep our own car, it worked just fine. We walked into Wells Fargo together the day after and closed the only account we had that was shared, splitting it 50/50, and that was it for our assets. He doesn’t owe me anything and I don’t owe him anything. IMO, this is the best way to go - split what you have right now, and say that’s it - nothing for either person in the future.

So I owe him nothing and he can’t get anything out of me. Would it have helped if I’d pushed for alimony? Sure, I’m struggling big time right now. But, I would rather forego the alimony and have to take out full loans, even private if I have to, and have a clean break now than leave the possibility that he could come back after me in the future.

 

[Chlorini]

You need to meet better people then. I'm an attending and 100% recommend marriage and no, your spouse does not need to be a high earner or doctor. Mine isn't.



This. Marriage is about compromise. Dreams don't always align and some dreams aren't always doable. If you have 5 kids, are 42, and $30K in debt and you want to go back to school to do a post-bacc with your eye on med school and your spouse said no way, I think you were a terrible spouse to do it anyway. I'd respect you much more for compromising with your spouse - maybe look into PA school under those circumstances or do something else with the rest of your life or save up the money without having to take out insane loans.

Ouch. You basically described my marriage ! Although I'm much younger and have 3 less children; I do have around the same amount of debt and did complete a DIY post-bacc, haha!

I agree with you--compromise is important. That's why I'm still married. But the stats don't lie--if I can remember correctly, female physicians have a higher divorce rate than male physicians (I'll see if I can find the paper). I believe it goes down if they are married to another physician. Again, not sure, I'll try to find the paper. I'd guess that has something to do with gender roles, "trying to do it all", and which spouse's job takes priority. That's an entirely different argument though. If my husband said "no" or "you're better off going to PA school", it simply wouldn't have worked.

I'm just saying if you have a choice, date/marry someone who isn't completely dependent on you. It's just as easy to fall in love with someone who has an education/form of income/independence as it is someone who doesn't. But I'm a realist and I don't believe in soulmates/destiny/only-one-for-me, etc so I'm sure others will disagree with me.

**EDIT** Here is the paper: Divorce among physicians and other healthcare professionals in the United States: analysis of census survey data

It doesn't address divorce rates for female physicians married to male physicians (not sure where I read that); but yes, per the paper, female physicians are more likely to get divorced than their male counterparts.

 

[Sleepingdoc]

If she divorces after med school, you likely have to pay half of your salary to her...

 

[njtrimed]

You need to meet better people then. I'm an attending and 100% recommend marriage and no, your spouse does not need to be a high earner or doctor. Mine isn't.



This. Marriage is about compromise. Dreams don't always align and some dreams aren't always doable. If you have 5 kids, are 42, and $30K in debt and you want to go back to school to do a post-bacc with your eye on med school and your spouse said no way, I think you were a terrible spouse to do it anyway. I'd respect you much more for compromising with your spouse - maybe look into PA school under those circumstances or do something else with the rest of your life or save up the money without having to take out insane loans.

As usual, I agree with you 100%. When I started med school with a family, it was because my husband agreed to quit his job and raise our kids and support my dream. If we ever split up, he’d deserve at least half of my lifetime earnings. He did everything for me through med school, including having my breakfast and lunch ready to go. It’s our shared dream for me to pursue my passion, and for us to raise our family under better circumstances than we could have if we were working opposite shifts and spending all our time apart. There is no way to generalize what is best for any family, other than that both partners in a marriage need to agree on their path moving forward.

 

[esob]

Mods have gotten soft these days. Everything gets a thread closed down.

These are the community guidelines established by senior staff. It is a free country though, so feel free to post elsewhere if you disagree with those standards.

 

[Mass Effect]

Ouch. You basically described my marriage ! Although I'm much younger and have 3 less children; I do have around the same amount of debt and did complete a DIY post-bacc, haha!

I agree with you--compromise is important

So it sounds like you both compromised? If so, then it wasn't describing your marriage lol.

That's why I'm still married. But the stats don't lie--if I can remember correctly, female physicians have a higher divorce rate than male physicians (I'll see if I can find the paper). I believe it goes down if they are married to another physician. Again, not sure, I'll try to find the paper. I'd guess that has something to do with gender roles, "trying to do it all", and which spouse's job takes priority. That's an entirely different argument though. If my husband said "no" or "you're better off going to PA school", it simply wouldn't have worked

A marriage will never work without compromise. Ever. If you're married before the dream is started, med school becomes a joint journey. You both take out the loans, you both make the sacrifices, you both deal with long, overnight shifts. If one spouse is highly opposed, then that's something that needs to be considered in the context of the marriage working out. But if marriage is important to you (generic you, not you), I don't recommend taking on something like med school over your (generic your) spouse's strong objection.

I'm just saying if you have a choice, date/marry someone who isn't completely dependent on you. It's just as easy to fall in love with someone who has an education/form of income/independence as it is someone who doesn't. But I'm a realist and I don't believe in soulmates/destiny/only-one-for-me, etc so I'm sure others will disagree with me.

It's not always like that. I fell in love with my spouse 15 years ago, before med school was on my radar and before I cared about such things. I'd much rather have my spouse in my life, low earner and all, than anyone else.

 

[DokterMom]

As usual, I agree with you 100%. When I started med school with a family, it was because my husband agreed to quit his job and raise our kids and support my dream. If we ever split up, he’d deserve at least half of my lifetime earnings. He did everything for me through med school, including having my breakfast and lunch ready to go. It’s our shared dream for me to pursue my passion, and for us to raise our family under better circumstances than we could have if we were working opposite shifts and spending all our time apart. There is no way to generalize what is best for any family, other than that both partners in a marriage need to agree on their path moving forward.

Beautifully said. There's an incredible amount of work that goes into running a household and raising a family. @njtrimed sees that work, appreciates it, and appropriately values that while she is giving her all to one path (career), her husband is giving his all to another path (home and family). She sees the quality of life his efforts provide, and also the economic value his contributions make to her career. Both spouses give 100% to a shared life and shared goals. With that view, splitting assets and future income for some time in case of a divorce makes perfect sense and is nothing more than fair.

This view should be gender-neutral, but sadly, it seems not to be...

 

[ValeRx]

Push for the divorce.

This happened to me last year - got divorced the summer between M1/M2 year. He said he just wanted to leave and not get divorced yet; I told him that if he was leaving we were getting divorced, period, because I wasn’t going to stay married to him when he was living with and screwing someone else. And that we were going to finalize it *right then* before he finished moving his crap out and into his new “love nest” with the other woman, who knew he was married the whole time.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s awful, horrible, soul-sucking, and just so much worse than anyone can tell you until you go through it yourself. IMO it’s even worse that this... person... sprung it on you while you were vulnerable and relying on her for help in med school. We don’t get much more vulnerable than this.

My ex-husband is working, I’m not. We chose to do a simplified dissolution of marriage without an attorney, with no alimony for either side. I live in a state that allows same day divorces - you walk in in the morning, fill in the paperwork, and get divorced that afternoon. Since we sold our home before we moved here, and just mutually agreed not to loot each other’s bank accounts and that we could each keep our own car, it worked just fine. We walked into Wells Fargo together the day after and closed the only account we had that was shared, splitting it 50/50, and that was it for our assets. He doesn’t owe me anything and I don’t owe him anything. IMO, this is the best way to go - split what you have right now, and say that’s it - nothing for either person in the future.

So I owe him nothing and he can’t get anything out of me. Would it have helped if I’d pushed for alimony? Sure, I’m struggling big time right now. But, I would rather forego the alimony and have to take out full loans, even private if I have to, and have a clean break now than leave the possibility that he could come back after me in the future.

Same day divorce? That's nice. My state requires 60 days of separation before you can file anything, then you have to appear before a magistrate, even if you did a dissolution with an agreement. My ex wife cheated on me, left me at the end of P1 year. We ended up getting back together and then eventually still got a divorce during my P4 year of pharmacy school. Luckily the divorce was finalized before I graduated so nothing was owed to her.

 

[precisiongraphic]

I spoke to a friend who is an attorney. He said that in some states, you can argue “half the degree” for alimony which means you’re on the hook for the rest of your life. Yikes. And this is why I didn’t get married til after I was already an attending.

Hope OP is in a good state.

There's a reason why Russell Wilson filed for divorce from his first wife two months after his Superbowl win when his rookie contact ($750,000) was ending but before he got his $50million contract. His salary went up 40 times and his divorce was likely much cheaper, with or without a pre-nup.

 

[calivianya]

Same day divorce? That's nice. My state requires 60 days of separation before you can file anything, then you have to appear before a magistrate, even if you did a dissolution with an agreement. My ex wife cheated on me, left me at the end of P1 year. We ended up getting back together and then eventually still got a divorce during my P4 year of pharmacy school. Luckily the divorce was finalized before I graduated so nothing was owed to her.

It was really nice. We still had to appear before the magistrate, we just filled out our paperwork at ~9 ish in the morning and our “court date” was the same day at 2pm. We went out to lunch while we were waiting. It was great - he looked everywhere but at me, and I cried into my empanadas. We should have just gone home. 0/10 don’t recommend.

So we get a few hours to think about it, not 60 days. I was really happy about that (sort of) since the person he was cheating on me with was over 1,000 miles away and he was going up there to be with her. I doubt I would have been able to get a divorce at all if we’d had to wait.