Divorce during the app process

[WhittyPsyche]

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Evening everyone,

Hoping to get some insight or maybe even just the comfort of some commonality from anyone who has been through a divorce while prepping for an app cycle, during the app cycle, or perhaps anywhere along the way.

I am currently separated, will likely begin the process in August 2016 once eligible to file and will be applying this upcoming cycle.

I am particularly stressed about custody and just the strain of the process in general right in the middle of interview season. And yes kids are involved, two nearing school age.

 

[Law2Doc]

Evening everyone,

Hoping to get some insight or maybe even just the comfort of some commonality from anyone who has been through a divorce while prepping for an app cycle, during the app cycle, or perhaps anywhere along the way.

I am currently separated, will likely begin the process in August 2016 once eligible to file and will be applying this upcoming cycle.

I am particularly stressed about custody and just the strain of the process in general right in the middle of interview season. And yes kids are involved, two nearing school age.

I guess the only silver lining is that alimony obligations should be less when you have yet to apply to med school as compared to once you've finished.

 

[cabinbuilder]

Been there, did it as the mom. My advice is to have your legal stuff all done before going to medical school especially with custody issues. My divorce was final 6 months before school started and I had to leave my kids in Alaska for the summer while I drove across the country due to my custody agreement. I honestly didn't think I would ever see my kids again since my ex-husband was a wilderness guide and I half expected him to disappear into the woods forever with them (he didn't). However, it weighed heavy on me to the point that I failed the first semester of medical school and had to repeat.

Do yourself a favor and have it all worked out and done before school as it is murder trying to juggle both with the volume and pace medical school is. Secure your kids, the school will be there.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I guess the only silver lining is that alimony obligations should be less when you have yet to apply to med school as compared to once you've finished.

I was chewed out on one of my online mom forums for that very same thing. They told me it's just like the men who trade in their wives once they "make it". And he deserves the alimony anyway, in the form of a consolation prize I guess lol

 

[WhittyPsyche]

Been there, did it as the mom. My advice is to have your legal stuff all done before going to medical school especially with custody issues. My divorce was final 6 months before school started and I had to leave my kids in Alaska for the summer while I drove across the country due to my custody agreement. I honestly didn't think I would ever see my kids again since my ex-husband was a wilderness guide and I half expected him to disappear into the woods forever with them (he didn't). However, it weighed heavy on me to the point that I failed the first semester of medical school and had to repeat.

Do yourself a favor and have it all worked out and done before school as it is murder trying to juggle both with the volume and pace medical school is. Secure your kids, the school will be there.

This is exactly what I am worried about. Does your ex have primary custody?

I'm afraid he will use the fact that I will be frequently moving in this career path as a basis for an argument that living with him would be more stable.

We are very amicable now and there is still lots of love. We hoped it would be temporary separation, but it's becoming clear to me that certain needed changes are not happening. Once we are officially knee deep in the divorce, idk how amicable things will be...

 

[Darth Doc]

This is exactly what I am worried about. Does your ex have primary custody?

I'm afraid he will use the fact that I will be frequently moving in this career path as a basis for an argument that living with him would be more stable.

I was already divorced when I applied to medical school, but after acceptance had to readjust my custody agreement from 50/50 since I had to move out of state. I had kept documentation of all the things I did and didn't do and all the things he did and didn't do (I went to all Dr appointments, made all their appointments, went to all school functions, went to parent teacher conferences,...) with dates, timelines, and quotes where applicable. It hadn't been an amicable divorce.

I ended up with full custody.

I'm doing fine in medical school and the kids adjusted really well.

I would get through the legal process as much as possible first. I had the custody hearing 2 weeks before school started. It was extremely stressful and I don't recommend it. I wouldn't have gone to school if I hadn't gotten full custody. There's no way I'd leave my kids behind. Talk to your lawyer about scheduling so you can get custody and divorce court times set conveniently. The way I did it was really rough, but if I hadn't been accepted, I would probably have had to go back to readjust after acceptance. So in your shoes, I would talk to a divorce lawyer (the very best you can't afford, because it's worth it) with a free consultation first (then your ex can't use that lawyer) and talk about options and timing and what you want.

 

[esob]

Well, depending your state, you may end up with the dreaded domicile restriction. That's my current situation and the reason I can only apply to two schools unless I wait until 2019. If you end up with custody and your ex asks for domicile restriction, you will likely need to have a compelling reason that is "in the best interest of the children" to not have the restriction. In my case, even after spending 200k at a top undergrad private university and achieving the grades and LSAT to get into a top tier law school, the reason was not compelling enough. My ex literally waited until I was getting ready to move out of state for law school before filing for the restriction. Sadly, even though she was on probation at the time and had been previously convicted on 60+ counts of failure to support, the judge still granted it.

 

[Nasrudin]

Damn. This is the realest thread on sdn.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I was already divorced when I applied to medical school, but after acceptance had to readjust my custody agreement from 50/50 since I had to move out of state. I had kept documentation of all the things I did and didn't do and all the things he did and didn't do (I went to all Dr appointments, made all their appointments, went to all school functions, went to parent teacher conferences,...) with dates, timelines, and quotes where applicable. It hadn't been an amicable divorce.

I ended up with full custody.

I'm doing fine in medical school and the kids adjusted really well.

I would get through the legal process as much as possible first. I had the custody hearing 2 weeks before school started. It was extremely stressful and I don't recommend it. I wouldn't have gone to school if I hadn't gotten full custody. There's no way I'd leave my kids behind. Talk to your lawyer about scheduling so you can get custody and divorce court times set conveniently. The way I did it was really rough, but if I hadn't been accepted, I would probably have had to go back to readjust after acceptance. So in your shoes, I would talk to a divorce lawyer (the very best you can't afford, because it's worth it) with a free consultation first (then your ex can't use that lawyer) and talk about options and timing and what you want.

Like you I do everything with them, one year he did a lot of the driving and meeting due to a bad class schedule. But otherwise I've been primarily involved, and through the separation I've had them entirely and he only makes it out to see them once a week for a few hours. (He always has to work, or is tired from working he says). Hopefully this works in my favor.

I'm hoping by August we still agree on a no-contest proceeding, and that maybe just maybe he will realize that he lacks a lot of fatherly instinct and it is best that they are with me. It definitely shouldn't take a year to accomplish, so hopefully there will be no conflict with school starting and still going through proceedings. Then again the custody part, I guess he could wait until the last minute to sabotage me.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

Well, depending your state, you may end up with the dreaded domicile restriction. That's my current situation and the reason I can only apply to two schools unless I wait until 2019. If you end up with custody and your ex asks for domicile restriction, you will likely need to have a compelling reason that is "in the best interest of the children" to not have the restriction. In my case, even after spending 200k at a top undergrad private university and achieving the grades and LSAT to get into a top tier law school, the reason was not compelling enough. My ex literally waited until I was getting ready to move out of state for law school before filing for the restriction. Sadly, even though she was on probation at the time and had been previously convicted on 60+ counts of failure to support, the judge still granted it.

That would seriously be a nightmare. I asked him recently what we would do. He expressed that if we are open about it and I absolutely have to move maybe he can try to find a position in a nearby city or something. But again, that's the sentiment right now, while things are amicable. If it does end up being my reality my dream school is in state, and I have 5 nearby options in the areas that can easily be commuted in 30 mins. Still, just the idea of having restrictions imposed upon me is unsettling.

 

[futuremdforme]

That would seriously be a nightmare. I asked him recently what we would do. He expressed that if we are open about it and I absolutely have to move maybe he can try to find a position in a nearby city or something. But again, that's the sentiment right now, while things are amicable. If it does end up being my reality my dream school is in state, and I have 5 nearby options in the areas that can easily be commuted in 30 mins. Still, just the idea of having restrictions imposed upon me is unsettling.

Moving for an ex would not be an easy thing to do, amicable or not. It's hard enough for a current, happy spouse! You shouldn't count on this at all. I'm really glad that you have some nearby options.

 

[cabinbuilder]

This is exactly what I am worried about. Does your ex have primary custody?

I'm afraid he will use the fact that I will be frequently moving in this career path as a basis for an argument that living with him would be more stable.

We are very amicable now and there is still lots of love. We hoped it would be temporary separation, but it's becoming clear to me that certain needed changes are not happening. Once we are officially knee deep in the divorce, idk how amicable things will be...

We have joint custody which is why the kids stayed in Alaska that summer I left (it was his time)

Do not expect things to be amicable through a divorce. I am currently in the middle of one and thought it would be "easy". Here I am 7 months later no closer to being done than when I started because his friends got into his head that "he deserves everything" and wants to be supported until he dies (he's 60 right now). Now I'm at the mercy of some judge who will decide my fate.

 

[QofQuimica]

I suggest waiting until after the divorce is final before you apply to med school. It's worth sitting out one more year versus dealing with this all while dealing with medical school too. Speaking as someone who sat out one extra year before applying because I had too much going on in my personal life at the time to give it my best effort.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I definitely take these comments to heart, I know I need to assume no amicability and prepare for the worst case scenario.

To anyone,

On average, how long does the entire process take to finalize? I'm sure it depends heavily on state, but just a ballpark so I can adjust my expectations, especially given what @QofQuimica has advised. I reallllly don't want to put off another year given that I am taking a gap year already.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

We have joint custody which is why the kids stayed in Alaska that summer I left (it was his time)

Do not expect things to be amicable through a divorce. I am currently in the middle of one and thought it would be "easy". Here I am 7 months later no closer to being done than when I started because his friends got into his head that "he deserves everything" and wants to be supported until he dies (he's 60 right now). Now I'm at the mercy of some judge who will decide my fate.

So custody is divided by school term and summer term? Sorry I'm not very familiar with all of this. He has made it clear that his priority is being able to see them two weekends a month at minimum, so he wants us to be close.

 

[esob]

That would seriously be a nightmare. I asked him recently what we would do. He expressed that if we are open about it and I absolutely have to move maybe he can try to find a position in a nearby city or something. But again, that's the sentiment right now, while things are amicable. If it does end up being my reality my dream school is in state, and I have 5 nearby options in the areas that can easily be commuted in 30 mins. Still, just the idea of having restrictions imposed upon me is unsettling.

Yeah, my ex and I were amicable as well.....right up until the point I got remarried 3 years later, lol. Then all bets were off and she basically used the kids as a pawn in her quest to make my life miserable for moving on.

 

[cabinbuilder]

So custody is divided by school term and summer term? Sorry I'm not very familiar with all of this. He has made it clear that his priority is being able to see them two weekends a month at minimum, so he wants us to be close.

Because I moved out of state for school myself my custody consisted of me having the kids during their school year. He had them for the entire summers every year for 10 years and every Christmas break for 2 weeks for 10 years. Once the kids hit 13/14 they had the right to decide whether or not to keep doing that and they stopped going.