Doctor Jokes...

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tyc00nman
  • Start date Start date
This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
T

Tyc00nman

Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."


Add yours...i know you pre-DOs got jokes...lets hear em
 
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
 
*In a doctor's office*
Mr. Smith got the feeling that Dr. Jones might be gay when he performed his rectal exam with both his hands on his shoulders.:meanie:
 
what did one bean say to the other bean?

how you "bean" doin?
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A patient wakes up following an operation to find the doctor standing at the foot of the bed. "Doctor, how did it go?"
"I have good news and bad news", says the doctor.
"Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up"
"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles"
"Thats terrific. What's the bad news?"
"They are under your pillow." .

😀
 
Things you would never want to hear a surgeon say during your surgery:
  1. Nurse, have you seen my watch?
  2. Wow I've never seen that before!
  3. Oops! Suction.
  4. I think that will do ok.
  5. There's supposed to be two kidneys right?
  6. Well I'm finished with Mr. Smith's orchiectomy. What this is Mr. Jones. Oh crap.
 
What do you call 2 orthopods looking at an EKG?

A double-blind study.
 
I am going to cheat a little here:

Medical Jokes

I like this one especially:

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
 
Last edited:
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big Breaths,' I instructed.'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.


Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'


Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR




6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI



7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young doc doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
 

Patient: Doctor I have a cough i just can't seem to get rid of.
Doctor: Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
​
 
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
BeachBlondie said:
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A patient wakes up following an operation to find the doctor standing at the foot of the bed. "Doctor, how did it go?".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I have good news and bad news", says the doctor..
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up" .
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Thats terrific. What's the bad news?".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"They are under your pillow." .

😀
Click to expand...

you would.
 
ryserr21 said:
what did one bean say to the other bean?

how you "bean" doin?
Click to expand...

Clearly, that's not a doctor joke, Ryan. Good try, though.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*hug*
 
BeachBlondie said:
Clearly, that's not a doctor joke, Ryan. Good try, though.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*hug*
Click to expand...

clearly it is... it was just too intellectual for you to understand, natasha scarlett.

p.s. relax people, thats just her "stage" name. by that of course i mean pseudonym used for anonymous internet forums.
 
ryserr21 said:
what did one bean say to the other bean?

how you "bean" doin?
Click to expand...

I think I will join you since I don't have any doctor jokes. Here is my one Texas joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
























To show the armadillo it can be done. :meanie:
 
What is the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn't think he's a surgeon.


That's the best one I've got. Guess I'll stick to blatant sarcasm until I work more on my one liners.
 
Dr. Scarlet, Ryan.
 
what do you call a surgeon from the BAY? B0$$. cuz they be gettin' that money ya digggggg.

$upa$tar

walkie talkie style.
 
Tyc00nman said:
what do you call a surgeon from the BAY? B0$$. cuz they be gettin' that money ya digggggg.

$upa$tar

walkie talkie style.
Click to expand...

Ewww Nor Cal. Sorry, I hella threw up in my mouth a little reading YAY slang.

:meanie:
 
Tyc00nman said:
what do you call a surgeon from the BAY? B0$$. cuz they be gettin' that money ya digggggg.

$upa$tar

walkie talkie style.
Click to expand...

wtf does that even mean?
 
ryserr21 said:
wtf does that even mean?
Click to expand...

when you're on a walkie talkie you have trouble hearing one another so you say things like over and out. If someone say real walkie talkie they usually mean something along the lines of do you understand or like do you feel me.

You smell what im sayin?
 
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Tell me when to go! I mean, ya fina go get hyphy?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, Nor-Cal.
 
One of my friends emailed me this today. This might be offensive to some people, but trust me, I did not come up with it nor endorse it. Its just there for some comic relief.... so please do not attack me for it...

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are phobic, don't press anything..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If you are anal retentive, please hold..[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] .
​
 
ppatel1185 said:
One of my friends emailed me this today. This might be offensive to some people, but trust me, I did not come up with it nor endorse it. Its just there for some comic relief.... so please do not attack me for it...

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
Click to expand...
That is ludicrous. Its not a doctor joke. Its a priest joke. Since when did you go to the psychiatrist to confess your sins. That's like something beachblondie would post.
 
TexasTriathlete said:
That is ludicrous. Its not a doctor joke. Its a priest joke. Since when did you go to the psychiatrist to confess your sins. That's like something beachblondie would post.
Click to expand...


OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......

You're done for.
 
I agree. Except for the gibberish one on this thread. Anyway, I'm just giving you a hard time. Carry on.
 
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Gibberish?!?!

im insulted TT!

is mr. belding going to suspend me?

Whatever she says...its not my kid!
 
It's all abut the nor cal.
nor cal born and raised here. Peace out babe.
 
igcgnerd said:
It's all abut the nor cal.
nor cal born and raised here. Peace out babe.
Click to expand...

They need to just split the state in half: Nor Cal and So Cal (and you guys can keep Central) :meanie: ...

I kid, I kid. Honestly though, the culture shock when coming to college was so weird with respect to Nor Cal. My room mate was from San Francisco and it took me a long time to understand all the lingo, dances, musicians, etc.
 
I've gotten people from all over the nation to say hella unintentionally through out my military career. In fact, it has been one of my greatest accomplishments.(not really) Everyone says they hate Cali but, they don't. Manifest Destiny and all that. One day NorCal and SoCal will unite and ride the San Andreas Fault into the Pacific away from the rest of the Nation. Texas and California are the only Republics left in the States and nobody likes Texas!
 
Ooh, ooh, I wanna play.

A woman is in a doctor's office.
Pt: She says to him, Doctor, will you please give me a kiss?
Dr: No, he says, I can't, I'm sorry.
Pt: Doctor, will you please just kiss me?
Dr: No, I'm sorry, he says, you are a very beautiful woman, but that is against what I believe.
Pt: Oh, just one!
Dr. No way, I shouldnt even be f*cking you right now.
 
igcgnerd said:
Things you would never want to hear a surgeon say during your surgery:
Wow I've never seen that before!
Click to expand...

I actually have heard a surgeon say that. First time she had ever seen a hernia of Morgagni in a patient. She repaired it just fine. 😉
 
A veternarian goes to see her physician, Doctor Jones, for some abdominal pain that has been troubling her.

During her exam Dr. Jones asks her several questions. "How long have you had this pain? Is it sharp or dull? What makes the pain worse? Does it hurt when I press here?"

Excuse me Dr. Jones, the vet says. When I see my patients I don't have to ask them all these questions to figure out whats wrong with them. I just give them the treatment.

Dr. Jones ponders this, nods his head and writes out a Rx for the vet and tells her to take it twice a day. Before he leaves the room he says to the vet "Of course of that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep."
 
A woman is in a doctor's office.
Pt: She says to him, Doctor, will you please give me a kiss?
Dr: No, he says, I can't, I'm sorry.
Pt: Doctor, will you please just kiss me?
Dr: No, I'm sorry, he says, you are a very beautiful woman, but that is against what I believe.
Pt: Oh, just one!
Dr. No way, I shouldnt even be f*cking you right now.
Click to expand...

hahahahaahahaahahahaahahahahaahaha
 
Tyc00nman said:
when you're on a walkie talkie you have trouble hearing one another so you say things like over and out. If someone say real walkie talkie they usually mean something along the lines of do you understand or like do you feel me.

You smell what im sayin?
Click to expand...

How about this, You pickin up what I am layin down?
 
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Nerve said:
I've gotten people from all over the nation to say hella unintentionally through out my military career. In fact, it has been one of my greatest accomplishments.(not really) Everyone says they hate Cali but, they don't. Manifest Destiny and all that. One day NorCal and SoCal will unite and ride the San Andreas Fault into the Pacific away from the rest of the Nation. Texas and California are the only Republics left in the States and nobody likes Texas!
Click to expand...

correction, everyone says they hate nor cal. no body in there right mind hates so cal.
 
ryserr21 said:
correction, everyone says they hate nor cal. no body in there right mind hates so cal.
Click to expand...

hate? thats a strong word brah


OCHO...im catchin what you throwin'...you don't smell me though do you?

OCHO CINCO!!!!!!!
 
for the record i dont consider people from SD southern californians...mostly because they are laid back and cool like northern californians. SD is norcal in socal, in my opinion.

im not gonna front though, LA was a blast when I lived there for undergrad. Its all the same ****...people are people. get over yourselves.
 
The battle between nor and so cal is a long one, steeped in ancient ancestry. The rift will never be patched as it is welded into our genetics. One day, the two clans will meet in a field and--in a style only Mel Gibson could bring to the big screen--battle to the end for the pestigious title of, "Coolest kind of Californian".

...It will be a bittersweet victory, for the warlords will look around and realize that it's been brother against brother fighting; we are all the same: a people who grow marijuana for "medicinal purposes", and have an obsession for tanning.
 
BeachBlondie said:
The battle between nor and so cal is a long one, steeped in ancient ancestry. The rift will never be patched as it is welded into our genetics. One day, the two clans will meet in a field and--in a style only Mel Gibson could bring to the big screen--battle to the end for the pestigious title of, "Coolest kind of Californian".

...It will be a bittersweet victory, for the warlords will look around and realize that it's been brother against brother fighting; we are all the same: a people who grow marijuana for "medicinal purposes", and have an obsession for tanning.
Click to expand...
Brilliant! I am not even from Cali, but brilliant none-the-less
 
I hate socal, but love norcal. But I also like San Diego. I think I really just hate LA.

Norcal is one of the coolest places on earth though.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
I've lived in the bay area all my life wouldn't have it any other way. We have laid back sort of lifestyle, mountains are just a jump away for hiking, climbing, skiing. Than you have the arrogant LA kind of people who just stress me out. I very rarely use the word hella. I do say soda and when I hear midwest people call it pop its like nails on a chalk board.😱
 
BeachBlondie said:
The battle between nor and so cal is a long one, steeped in ancient ancestry. The rift will never be patched as it is welded into our genetics. One day, the two clans will meet in a field and--in a style only Mel Gibson could bring to the big screen--battle to the end for the pestigious title of, "Coolest kind of Californian".

...It will be a bittersweet victory, for the warlords will look around and realize that it's been brother against brother fighting; we are all the same: a people who grow marijuana for "medicinal purposes", and have an obsession for tanning.
Click to expand...


i imagine it will look something like this.....Nor cal is in red of course.

around 1:45 they regroup and fight again. or its another camera shot, or something like that. either way, its epic.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Jf3tg2D65ZQ&feature=related[/youtube]
 
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

H
thoughts on specialized LOR to dream med school from a DO doctor who attended there?
Replies
2
Views
905
ecobio
ecobio
P
  • Locked
Finding a Doctor to Shadow
Replies
1
Views
1K
SpoiledMilk
S
M
  • Question Question
Can you be a doctor without any vaccines?
Replies
23
Views
9K
PB2464
P
A
Osteopathic doctors to shadow in Orlando area?
Replies
2
Views
1K
annielee_0924
A
H
is it ok to shadow doctors in canada?
Replies
3
Views
1K
havil
H
Top Bottom