Does med school affect your relationship with your significant other?

[Dr Who]

I start med school in august, although happy as heck that I cleared a MAJOR hurdle by being accepted to medical school I still have some concerns. I have talked to med students and read many posts here at SDN and I believe I have a fairly good idea of whats waiting for me, but how about my significant other (girl/ boyfriend, husband/ wife)?
Al though it is possible to have a general idea of what its like to be in med school, I believe that you can never really know unless you are experiencing it yourself. I have heard many, many stories of couples that couldnt deal with the stresses and lifestyle changes of a med school student.
I know that most of you say that if the relationship is solid and there is communication there should be no problem, but unfortunately it sometimes isnt that simple. The real world is a bit more complicated than that. So in the real world, what do those of you with a significant other who is not in the medical field do to balance your responsibilities as an MS and as a partner? How has it affected him/ her and what have both of you done to overcome it. i know its a personal question, but I think it is very relevant to our realities as medical students and our overall well being.

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[DrOctopus]

I started dating a girl I met during undergrad less than 2 months before I had to start medical school. While you already hit on the fact that a strong, fully communicating relationship lays a solid foundation for the future, we didn't have much time to build that. Plus, she had just started a job in Massachusetts, while I had to ship out to NJ to start up. I think the important thing is to lay out in advance with your boy/girlfriend that you will not have as much time to spend with them, and that you will be working hard, etc. This question really is a derivative of the "will i have time to do anything other than study?" question and the answer is, yes you will. If you're committed to making it work it will work. If one or the other party feels they're being ignored/neglected and they don't understand that the student isn't doing it intentionally, then obviously the relationship wasn't destined for success.


That was kind of rambly, but I've been staring into a microscope for 2 hours. Sorry.

 

[cooldreams]

i dated a girl for 3 yrs, then engaged for 1 yr, then 5 days before the wedding she says she doesnt want to get married anymore...

ive heard a ton of stories like mine already... 🙁

 

[Blake]

i dated a girl for 3 yrs, then engaged for 1 yr, then 5 days before the wedding she says she doesnt want to get married anymore...

ive heard a ton of stories like mine already... 🙁

Sorry to hear that, but how did med school affect this relationship ?

 

[cooldreams]

Sorry to hear that, but how did med school affect this relationship ?

opps.. left that part out... well anyways i get into medical school and she seems to take it ok at first but then like she freaked out or something... said something about all medical students break up or divorce when they finish medical school so she didnt want that hanging over her head... whatever...

 

[Blake]

What a lame excuse. 👎

 

[bigfrank]

That sucks. Clearly, she wasn't the right one for you. I think if both partners enter the relationship and medical school with realistic expectations, the relationship can not only survive, but thrive in medical school.

You probably won't have copious amounts of time to play poker or BBall with your buddies, but if you prioritize things (studying, partner, etc.) and MANAGE TIME WISELY, you can certainly survive medical school.

My wife and I have had 2 children in medical school (one 1st year, one during surgery M-3 year) and we're doing magnificently. It hasn't been easy, but I am HOME when I'm not at the hospial helping and playing with my kiddos.

 

[Tristero]

I dated a girl off and on for about 6 months my last part of undergrad and initial part of first year. Things were great when we were both in party/happy-go-lucky mode, but when med shcool hit things totally changed. For me, I didn't have time to fix little fights that are usually easy to deal with when you have more time. It just built up, and needless to say, we aren't together any more. For me, med school has been a lot more conducive to flings than a serious, time-intensive relationship.

 

[thackl]

It's been hard on my relationship at times. People who aren't in medschool just can't understand what it is like..... on the flipside, it does force us to become very selfish with regard to time and stress which can seem very unfair to a SO.

 

[ekimsurfer]

let me say what needs to be said.

focus on being happy and looking out for the most important person in your life - you.

if you are unhappy then you will make others around you unhappy.

my advice is to do the best you can at school. if that means giving up time with the SO, then so be it. you only get one shot at medical school and screwing around with an SO who may not even be around in the future is a bad call. also, you may not have as much time to build friendships within the class which i think are very important to having a fulfilling time in school.

remember... SOs are a dime a dozen. if he/she starts playing games, drop it without a second thought and focus on the important things like setting up your future (doctors have not much trouble meeting/dating others).

 

[thackl]

let me say what needs to be said.

focus on being happy and looking out for the most important person in your life - you.

if you are unhappy then you will make others around you unhappy.

my advice is to do the best you can at school. if that means giving up time with the SO, then so be it. you only get one shot at medical school and screwing around with an SO who may not even be around in the future is a bad call. also, you may not have as much time to build friendships within the class which i think are very important to having a fulfilling time in school.

remember... SOs are a dime a dozen. if he/she starts playing games, drop it without a second thought and focus on the important things like setting up your future (doctors have not much trouble meeting/dating others).

This is entirely untrue for married couples...... especially those with kids. If you are married, then school is #2.

 

[ekimsurfer]

This is entirely untrue for married couples...... especially those with kids. If you are married, then school is #2.

the original submitter did not mention anything about kids... if so then you are correct. too often kids are neglected and if you have children your main goal should be raising them. BUT... as far as just being married is concerned, the divorce rate is so high that you never know. PLUS... if you are married, your wife/husband should understand that you must give up time for school.

 

[Dr Who]

Its true I didnt mention kids. I guess because it doesnt apply to my situation. You do have a valid point though. For many med students who do have children it does add an extra layer of complexity to their lives. Its hard enough balancing med school and a relationship, I can only imagine how hard it must be for those of us who are already married with children.

 

[Sheon]

An issue that I am dealing with now that I didn't anticipate with regards to this issue is completion. SOs have to make a lot of sacrifices while you are in medical school. Now I am coming up on completion, and my wife is feeling like her career growth has been stunted by my persuit.

Encourage your SO to engage in whatever intellectual persuits they have. It will take some of the "I'm lonely" burden off of you because they will have something to engage in, AND you will avoid the problem that I am having now.

Bottom line...at the same time is better than me then you (or you then me).

 

[pillowhead]

An issue that I am dealing with now that I didn't anticipate with regards to this issue is completion. SOs have to make a lot of sacrifices while you are in medical school. Now I am coming up on completion, and my wife is feeling like her career growth has been stunted by my persuit.

Encourage your SO to engage in whatever intellectual persuits they have. It will take some of the "I'm lonely" burden off of you because they will have something to engage in, AND you will avoid the problem that I am having now.

Bottom line...at the same time is better than me then you (or you then me).

100% true. I am in med school while my husband is pursuing his PhD at another university in the same city, and it makes things much easier socially/emotionally. It sucks financially, but I think both of us are secretly relieved when the other has lots of work/studying because the other doesn't have to feel guilty for studying all weekend. I think it would be much more difficult for one of us to delay school (or a career) while the other pursued what s/he wanted to.

 

[siempre595]

The best case scenario is being with someone who is as busy as you are. It's incredibly helpful when the other person can identify with the amount of work you have to devote to your "job." I can't give a ton of advice on the actual effect of med school on a relationship, since my boyfriend is in my class, but I know it has worked out really well partly because we both have the same workload all the time. It's important that the other person truly understand your motivation for the profession and the actual time needed.
Good luck

 

[gioia]

Everyone has said something valuable about the situation and I thought I would elaborate.

I have been married for years and years (no joke) and I waited to go to medical school until I knew my spouse 'owned' the experience as much as I. There is some truth to the idea that SO's are a "dime a dozen" and because of that I realized a beautiful relationship is not to be wasted and neglected.

The common denominator for ALL relationships is this: STRESS. Plop a relationship into any form of stress and the truth bubbles up. Medical school is just one of those careers really good at testing the integrity of its participants.

You won't fail if you don't want to.

 

[azzarah]

it takes 2 ppl for it to work 😱
my bf broke up w/ me during msII
the good thing is that med school was the ultimate test of his committment~~~ His loss!!

good luck!

 

[Sean2tall]

I hope medical school wouldn't affect your relationship any more any regular job/school, unless you're doing the long distance thing (in which case it's not really medical school that's the issue. We all know that many people have trouble with long distance relationships.) I certainly have much more free time than I did when I was working at a regular average-joe job.

 

[docbill]

I hope medical school wouldn't affect your relationship any more any regular job/school, unless you're doing the long distance thing (in which case it's not really medical school that's the issue. We all know that many people have trouble with long distance relationships.) I certainly have much more free time than I did when I was working at a regular average-joe job.

a relationship dies because of other problems. Not because of medical school. If your Sign other is not supportive... it is better for them to leave now rather than later.

Long distance is difficult! and is usually the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

[DrWuStar]

as far as i can tell, the difference between the relationships that last and the ones that fall apart under the pressure of med school is that the people whose relationships fall apart say "things just started getting hard, and we were having problems, but there was no time to really talk about it and work them out."

if your relationship is a big priority for you, you will take the time to work out your problems, even if it means time out from studying and a few points lower on the exam. if school is a much higher priority for you, then you won't take the time to maintain your relationship, and it probably won't last.

 

[MichiMO]

I really disagree with this whole "your SO will just have to understand that school will be your main priority" line of thinking. A support system has been just as crucial to my sucess in medical school as lots of studying. Prime example, last year my fiance was in Canada finishing up his last year of school while I was in my first med. school year. I had all the time in the world to study with NO "distractions" minus an hour call per night. However, I found it hard to do well because I was not my best without anything or anyone in my life besides medical school. This year, my finace has been living here and I have definitly had less studying time. However, the grades have come easy because I was happy...what a concept.
Aside from the support system being critical to medical school sucess, you are entering one of those careers that can totally consume you. If you get into that habit while in medical school, you will be in that habit for the rest of your life and you will not be a happy person. People need things in their lives besides work...even if it is rewarding work.
The majority of you will have no problem passing. You have to study, but you don't have to be a nazi about it to pass. Beyond making sure you pass, you have to ask yourself what getting higher marks is really going to get you and what it is going to cost you. Sure, all us type-a personalities want to do well, but focus on being a well person in addition to a good doctor because the two are interdependent.
A good relationship is not a dime a dozen. You shouldn't be so careless with it. Who you spend your life with will determine 90% of your happiness and 90% of your misery. To me, that is every bit as important as being in the top third of my medical school class.
Its all about balance people!

 

[Flobber]

The only people who have trouble are those that are caught up with themselves and how "hard" their lives are and how much work they have to do. Medical school isn't that bad. You can get through without sacrificing everything. Hell, you can get through studying 1 or 2 nights out of the week (no honors, mind you). If you care enough to write a post about preserving your relationship, you should have no problems. Just remember not to start off on the premise that what you're doing is something that the "regulars" can't understand, or anything like that. You're not doing anything that a million other people before you haven't done, nor are you going to work as hard as some people in working families. Congrats on the acceptance!

 

[mhondy]

I really disagree with this whole "your SO will just have to understand that school will be your main priority" line of thinking. A support system has been just as crucial to my sucess in medical school as lots of studying. Prime example, last year my fiance was in Canada finishing up his last year of school while I was in my first med. school year. I had all the time in the world to study with NO "distractions" minus an hour call per night. However, I found it hard to do well because I was not my best without anything or anyone in my life besides medical school. This year, my finace has been living here and I have definitly had less studying time. However, the grades have come easy because I was happy...what a concept.
Aside from the support system being critical to medical school sucess, you are entering one of those careers that can totally consume you. If you get into that habit while in medical school, you will be in that habit for the rest of your life and you will not be a happy person. People need things in their lives besides work...even if it is rewarding work.
The majority of you will have no problem passing. You have to study, but you don't have to be a nazi about it to pass. Beyond making sure you pass, you have to ask yourself what getting higher marks is really going to get you and what it is going to cost you. Sure, all us type-a personalities want to do well, but focus on being a well person in addition to a good doctor because the two are interdependent.
A good relationship is not a dime a dozen. You shouldn't be so careless with it. Who you spend your life with will determine 90% of your happiness and 90% of your misery. To me, that is every bit as important as being in the top third of my medical school class.
Its all about balance people!

sadly, many med students don't have time to realize that it's all about balance. they are simply too overwhelmed and consumed. i think the **** really hits the fan during year two. my relationship started just after year 2 with my boyfriend. mid-way through first semester of year 2, our "perfect" and blissful relationship basically ended. i don't think he even had time to realize what his decision cost him.

 

[lj1230]

I think it depends on the individual realtionship. My boyfriend (now fiancee) have been together for over 5 years and we talked about what would happen with medical school and our future at lengths before I decided that it was what I wanted to do. He just knows that I can't always go and hang out with him and our friends, and that when I do have free time I am gonna want to hang out with him. Things are going great so far and to me it really helps to have someone to come home to, to support you. I know that there has been a few times that he has helped me to get back on focus on what I want to do! You just have to be understanding of one another!!

 

[mhondy]

I think it depends on the individual realtionship. My boyfriend (now fiancee) have been together for over 5 years and we talked about what would happen with medical school and our future at lengths before I decided that it was what I wanted to do. He just knows that I can't always go and hang out with him and our friends, and that when I do have free time I am gonna want to hang out with him. Things are going great so far and to me it really helps to have someone to come home to, to support you. I know that there has been a few times that he has helped me to get back on focus on what I want to do! You just have to be understanding of one another!!

wish that's how mine turned out! i think living together makes a huge difference. but a newer relationship has a little less potential for success.

 

[macdown]

I figure I should weigh in on this subject and I will say yes medical school has affect my relationship. As I started medical school last year my wife was unhappy about having to move to another state (I tried as hard as I could to get into my state school, but it didn't work out). I tried to calm her fears, but I was unsuccessful. She begrudgingly moved but was never really happy and after about 2 months she moved home. Obviously this had a major impact on our relationship and over the last year and a half I tried to divide my time between school and my long-distance wife. However, slowly I saw our relationship dissolve and she filed for divorce over thanksgiving, citing she could no longer maintain a long-distance husband and wanted more. Obviuosly the solution of us actually living together in the same state was unapplealing to her and it ultimatlly led to our divorce.

Do I regret going to medical school? Never. I can't say that I'm not devastated by the entire situation, hell I didn't get out of bed for almost a month and I'm still having problems dealing with it now, but I realize it is probably a blessing in disguise. Your SO has to be supportive of you during this process, they have to realize that if they want to reap the benefits in the future, they must live through the s#!t now. They have to be willing to make sacrifices (and you have to realize and appreciate what sacrifices they are making) and understand that it may take years for you to repay them. Most of all they have to be committed to making the relationship work. In hind sight, my relationship never had that. If this didn't happen now, it probably would have happened in the future when we had kids, a house and a medical practice. If your relationship is meant to be it will weather the storm, if its not, medical school may just be the catalyst to set it off. Its much better to happen now than in the future when life will becomes infinitly more difficult.

 

[heldicus]

I would just like to add that if you are serious about the relationship, you can't let medical be your only responsibility. You also have a responsibility to your partner. Even though it's difficult to put the books down in the midst of all the stress, you have to compromise. A few free evenings a week, a whole weekend here and there, help with household things, etc. It's not all about school, in the end. It's about spending the rest of your life with someone.

I could be at the top of my class if I wanted to be, but I would be sacrificing a lot of things that are more important to me. As it is, I'm in good standing, and I'm happy. Find a medium that works for you, and your partner...and try to find it early. Don't let the med school monster eat you alive for 5 mos., and then look around at Christmas and wonder where your relationship went. It doesn't work that way...and frankly it bothers the hell out of me when people on here say that "your significant other is just going to have to deal with it." The student has to "deal with it" as well.

 

[Sheon]

Ideally, all SOs would be understanding and independent, but in "REAL LIFE" some people need lots of attention. The philosophy that, "You can make it work if you really want it," is pure rhetoric. Some couples are too interdependent for their relationships to survive medical school. That doesn't mean that the people don't love one another or that they didn't try hard enough, it just means that their relationship requires more effort than it is possible to commit during medical school.

You need to ask yourself these questions:

1) Does my SO have a vibrant life OUTSIDE of their relationship with me?

2) How much quality time do we actually spend together?

3) Is there any precedent for what happens to our relationship when we don't spend enough time together?

4) What commitments do my SO and I share (i.e., kids, finances, household responsibilities, etc.), AND how will those commitments be affected by me partially neglecting them (if need be)?

5) How well do I want to do in medical school (not just "good" but quantify it "top of class" or "above average" or "average" or "passing")? Realizing that the amount of time you spend studying and your grades have an extremely high correlation.

Lastly, I would STRONGLY advise against marriage during medical school to someone you were involved with prior to medical school (even if you were already engaged). Anecdotally, this group seems to divorce more than the group of people who were already married prior to medical school, and the group of people who met and married during medical school.

 

[Anka]

It depends a good degree on the type of relationship you have/want. If your relationship is all about romance, I'm not sure how well it will go, since you won't have a whole lot of time/energy for nights on the town. On the other hand, if you have a more domestic relationship (cooking together, etc.) and the other person doesn't mind not seeing you very much around exams, things can go well. It's also important that you have someone who is pretty level headed, and isn't going to let little things get to them. Also, watch the communcation -- I once told my BF I was going to be on L&D that night, and I'd be home around 8. He thought 8 p.m. that evening (oops).

Anka

 

[Vandyfox]

It depends a good degree on the type of relationship you have/want. If your relationship is all about romance, I'm not sure how well it will go, since you won't have a whole lot of time/energy for nights on the town.

Don't know about everybody else, but I can speak to this. My girlfriend and I met and got together about 1 month before school started this year. (I'm an M1). It was probably simply the early part of the relationship, but we were what Anka called the "romantic type". Things have definitely been harder on us during the school year. We're about 5 hours away, so it's technically long distance.

We started talking less (she prefers 2 hours / day, I can give about .5-1), and she got pretty upset. It really helped, however, when we began considering not:
"how much do we give / get" but
"Of all that we give (outside of school), how much of it goes to each other."

Med school is tough, and I have never spent such little time talking to my family and other friends before in my life. My girlfriend (probably because we're in a young relationship) is often worried about comparing what it used to be like, vs. what it's like now (and what that means about my intentions).

I still write her poetry (once a month) and she sends me happy cards for no occassion, and that's helping us along.

Bottom line, maintaining your relationship is a lot like doing well in med school.
If it's important to you, you work as hard as you can, and sacrifice other things to keep it up. If it's not that important to one or both of you. . . . . Med School will only fan the flames that were already burning your connection, but it won't start the fire.\

Don't know how credible an M1 in only a 6 month relationship is. . . .but that's all i have to offer. Hope it helps.

Vandyfox

 

[1150829]

hmm... everybody seems to be talking about how med school affected their relationship with their significant other (yes i know that's the topic of the thread), but what about the effect of having a relationship with a SO on med school? positive influences? (being happy & supported = better grades) negative influences? (drama/distraction = less time to study)

 

[heldicus]

hmm... everybody seems to be talking about how med school affected their relationship with their significant other (yes i know that's the topic of the thread), but what about the effect of having a relationship with a SO on med school? positive influences? (being happy & supported = better grades) negative influences? (drama/distraction = less time to study)

It should be obvious that having less distractions means more time to study....but I don't want to have the best grades if it means not having a good relationship.

 

[fun8stuff]

It should be obvious that having less distractions means more time to study....but I don't want to have the best grades if it means not having a good relationship.

Yeah, that is one way to look at it, but the 3 friends of mine who are in med school and are married are glad they are married because they have more time to focus on studying. It turns out thier SO's take care of paying the bills, buying groceries, cleaning, and doing other chorese (or at least helping with these things). They also say that their SO's also are a good source of support.

 

[pillowhead]

It should be obvious that having less distractions means more time to study....but I don't want to have the best grades if it means not having a good relationship.

I respectfully completely disagree. Having a supportive partner to pick up the laundry, groceries, cleaning, etc before exams is extremely helpful. You just have to make sure to do the same for your partner after the exam when you have some free time!

And then there's the emotional aspect of it. Being in a bad relationship is no doubt going to be detrimental to medical school. But having a solid marriage/relationship helps tremendously. I'm not worried about looking or acting a certain way trying to attract somebody to me. I always have emotional support a few feet away from me when I need it.

I think it is very personal. If you won't be satisfied with anything other than being numero uno in your class, and you want five publications before second year is over, and you want to run all the extra-curricular activities, you're relationship is not going to last very long. That said, I believe it's absolutely possible to aim for top 10% or something like that and do a couple of big activities (whether or not they're related to med school like part time research or training for a marathon) and have a solid relationship. It just takes some effort and being very aware of your partner's wants and needs. If your partner insists on having you home for dinner seven nights a week and insists on having every weekend together to take care of the house or go on trips, it's just not going to work. I don't think every relationship will work but most can.

 

[twinklz]

I'll weigh in on this discussion. I'm a MS1 and I recently got engaged to a guy I'd been dating for 4 years. Frankly, since I've started medical school I think our relationship has gotten better because I'm happier studying 5-10 hours a day than working at a dead end job. Now he just needs to figure out what makes him happy, and we'll be set.

Of course, we're not the most adventurous couple; we're perfectly satisfied with snuggling on the couch on weekend nights. And he's not exactly what you'd call high-maintenance so that helps.

I can't imagine going through med school without him; he helps keep my neurotic tendencies at bay. I'd probably be incredibly OCD and a taut bundle of nerves if he wasn't in my life. 😍

 

[Fif the Great]

I start med school in august, although happy as heck that I cleared a MAJOR hurdle by being accepted to medical school I still have some concerns. I have talked to med students and read many posts here at SDN and I believe I have a fairly good idea of whats waiting for me, but how about my significant other (girl/ boyfriend, husband/ wife)?
Al though it is possible to have a general idea of what its like to be in med school, I believe that you can never really know unless you are experiencing it yourself. I have heard many, many stories of couples that couldnt deal with the stresses and lifestyle changes of a med school student.
I know that most of you say that if the relationship is solid and there is communication there should be no problem, but unfortunately it sometimes isnt that simple. The real world is a bit more complicated than that. So in the real world, what do those of you with a significant other who is not in the medical field do to balance your responsibilities as an MS and as a partner? How has it affected him/ her and what have both of you done to overcome it. i know its a personal question, but I think it is very relevant to our realities as medical students and our overall well being.

It's not that bad. I've been married for a year and a half and have been in medical school since August. What's more, I was accepted into an out of state school and had to uproot myself and my wife away from her family, to a city where we literally didn't know a single person. But it's been fairly easy thus far. We rely on each other a lot for support, her from being lonely sometimes, me from going nuts with all things medical school. And get this, she has ZERO interest in the medical field (a secretary by trade). So I might come home all excited and say, "Guess what?! When we were digging through our cadaver today we found a pacemaker!! Wanna know what it does?" I receive a prompt, on-cue eye roll and I proceed to tell her about it, only to be slapped with, "Were you saying something?" Honestly, I don't like to talk about school that much when I'm not there, so it works out great.

My best advice is this: make every single moment you spend with your significant other meaningful. Not like bring roses to her everytime you come home but just be there. Whether it's just watching TV together, working out together, going to church, anything. What seems to have gotten us through a lot is that I do almost all my studying at home. That way she can bug me at 1 hour intervals by yelling, "Babe!!!!!!", only for me to go downstairs to look at some tiny Louis Vuitton keychain she found on Ebay for $50. I guess just her knowing I'm here and not at school studying is comforting. But to be perfectly honest, I think our relationship has grown stronger since we've been in medical school (and yes, I do mean "we").

I hope that answered some questions. I could get even more personal, but you guys would have way too much fun. 👍

 

[Ypo.]

Since this past August, I have been separated from my SO for 3 months. I had to move to gain residency in the state where I will be attending medical school, and he had to stay behind. He has now been visiting for about three months, but in one week he goes back for another 3 month separation. Then, we will be together again for three months, and separated again for 3 months before he finally moves here permanently.

We have been together for seven years, but this past year has been difficult nonetheless. I agree with the one of the previous posters who said to try and make each moment you have together special. I also try to avoid letting other issues come into the relationship. If they come, they come and we try to work them out, but distance is a big enough issue to deal with w/out worrying about other things. Actually, having to deal with the separation should help us through medical school, the times when I am busy studying will seem like a piece of cake compared to this.

 

[Ypo.]

Lastly, I would STRONGLY advise against marriage during medical school to someone you were involved with prior to medical school (even if you were already engaged). Anecdotally, this group seems to divorce more than the group of people who were already married prior to medical school, and the group of people who met and married during medical school.

That seems like weird advice. I think if a couple is ready to be married, they shouldn't not do so simply because they are in medical school. There is no 'perfect' time to get married, but the right time seems to relate more to the strength of the relationship than to the environment.

 

[Fif the Great]

5) How well do I want to do in medical school (not just "good" but quantify it "top of class" or "above average" or "average" or "passing")? Realizing that the amount of time you spend studying and your grades have an extremely high correlation.

Lastly, I would STRONGLY advise against marriage during medical school to someone you were involved with prior to medical school (even if you were already engaged). Anecdotally, this group seems to divorce more than the group of people who were already married prior to medical school, and the group of people who met and married during medical school.

I can't say I agree at all with much of this. #5 is fairly on target however. I decided when I got married that I would settle for average in med school. I was always top of the class otherwise but when it came between med school and my wife, I chose to put the brakes on my own ambitions and understand that my relationship with her is the most important thing in my life. That was a sacrifice I had to make and I don't regret. Sure I could put 50 hours a week of study time in, but then I'd never be home and would never get to spend time with my hunny. But if you place you ambition first (which is fine) then the time restraints may strain your relationship.

But to advise strongly against marriage pre or during medical school needs a bit more support than just a few talking points. It needs evidence. I'm there right now, and things are working out fine.

 

[fun8stuff]

I can't say I agree at all with much of this. #5 is fairly on target however. I decided when I got married that I would settle for average in med school. I was always top of the class otherwise but when it came between med school and my wife, I chose to put the brakes on my own ambitions and understand that my relationship with her is the most important thing in my life. That was a sacrifice I had to make and I don't regret. Sure I could put 50 hours a week of study time in, but then I'd never be home and would never get to spend time with my hunny. But if you place you ambition first (which is fine) then the time restraints may strain your relationship.

But to advise strongly against marriage pre or during medical school needs a bit more support than just a few talking points. It needs evidence. I'm there right now, and things are working out fine.

I think the logic behind this is that you have to be careful (as you always should be) before you get married. The transition of going to medical school and the huge time consumption could be a big change in lifestyle for both you and your SO. This might suprise a few SO's if they are not aware of the significant change. Heck, perhaps they are aware of it, think they can handle it, but it ends up that it was much worse than they thought it would be.

So if the SO goes into the marriage or relationship with certain expectations, and med school makes it so these expectations can't be met, then there can be some problems. So perhaps what the poster was saying is that care should be taken so that your SO fully knows what they are getting into.

What do you all think about having kids during med school and residency?

 

[Ypo.]

I think the logic behind this is that you have to be careful (as you always should be) before you get married. The transition of going to medical school and the huge time consumption could be a big change in lifestyle for both you and your SO. This might suprise a few SO's if they are not aware of the significant change. Heck, perhaps they are aware of it, think they can handle it, but it ends up that it was much worse than they thought it would be.

So if the SO goes into the marriage or relationship with certain expectations, and med school makes it so these expectations can't be met, then there can be some problems. So perhaps what the poster was saying is that care should be taken so that your SO fully knows what they are getting into.

What do you all think about having kids during med school and residency?

Yeah, it makes sense to carefully think about marriage before you do it. I have been with my SO for almost 7 years, but I have decided to wait until he moves here and I have started medical school to see if he/we can handle the change. Actually, I don't think it will be a problem, but I am a commitment phobe, (probably stemming from being the child of a nasty divorce).

Wow, I don't know about having kids during medical school. I have an overactive guilty conscience, and I know it would be kicked into overdrive if I was studying and ignoring my child. My mother went through medical school with 5 kids, one of them was 5 yr old when she started, and she pretty much gave him all the attention she had to give in between studying. Luckily he was an undemanding and sweet child (still is today at age 17!) but there is no guarantee that I'll have kids with the same temperament. In fact, considering the hell I gave my own mother, I probably have some serious kid karma coming back on me!

 

[fun8stuff]

Yeah, it makes sense to carefully think about marriage before you do it. I have been with my SO for almost 7 years, but I have decided to wait until he moves here and I have started medical school to see if he/we can handle the change. Actually, I don't think it will be a problem, but I am a commitment phobe, (probably stemming from being the child of a nasty divorce).

Wow, I don't know about having kids during medical school. I have an overactive guilty conscience, and I know it would be kicked into overdrive if I was studying and ignoring my child. My mother went through medical school with 5 kids, one of them was 5 yr old when she started, and she pretty much gave him all the attention she had to give in between studying. Luckily he was an undemanding and sweet child (still is today at age 17!) but there is no guarantee that I'll have kids with the same temperament. In fact, considering the hell I gave my own mother, I probably have some serious kid karma coming back on me!

holy cow! that's amazing... i hope your dad was around to help out! 😱
i am also in a long term relationship deal (3 years) and have to figure out when i should get married. Actually, i am probably a commitment-phobe as well... probaby because of the multiple divorces of my parents! hahaha

 

[Giving My .02]

If you find the right person, who is willing to compromise, and is totally behind your ambitions it works out. My husband and I are both students, and I think that is better than maybe a student/working. That's because we both have work to do when we get home, and we both understand when the other has a test coming up. It's possible.

 

[Sheon]

My advise was just based on observation. For some reason the people who got married during medical school from a relationship they had prior to medical school seem not to do as well (i.e., 3 of the 5 couples i've seen are either seperated or divorced since 2001). There are a number of possible reasons:

1) This group of people are more likely to be forcing a wedding. Medical school is a strange time to choose to get married. To choose this as a time means either-1) the desire to get married is so strong that it can not be resisted, or 2) there is pressure to get married that can not be resisted.

I would bet that almost 90% of the time it is #2 in this group, and that is the wrong reason to get married.

2) Medical school is a horrible way to start off a marriage.

This is not as much of an issue for the other marriages because one group got married before the hard times started and the other group met under the same circumstances as they are getting married under so they are more familiar with what they are getting into.

3) Planning the wedding becomes a logistical problem (again four of five).


The two couples that are still together aren't "typical". One couple has been together since they were 16 years old, and in the other the SO is like Edith Bunker.

In the couples that didn't make it both the student and the SO were pretty typical (i.e., SO works, no kids, student is average, no obvious personality disorders).

I realize that this sounds like strange advise. Maybe it is. You will do what you want anyway. I'm just saying swinging for the fences leads to more strikeouts than it does homeruns!!! Take that with a grain of salt.

 

[SarahGM]

My advise was just based on observation. For some reason the people who got married during medical school from a relationship they had prior to medical school seem not to do as well (i.e., 3 of the 5 couples i've seen are either seperated or divorced since 2001). There are a number of possible reasons:

1) This group of people are more likely to be forcing a wedding. Medical school is a strange time to choose to get married. To choose this as a time means either-1) the desire to get married is so strong that it can not be resisted, or 2) there is pressure to get married that can not be resisted.

I would bet that almost 90% of the time it is #2 in this group, and that is the wrong reason to get married.

2) Medical school is a horrible way to start off a marriage.

This is not as much of an issue for the other marriages because one group got married before the hard times started and the other group met under the same circumstances as they are getting married under so they are more familiar with what they are getting into.

3) Planning the wedding becomes a logistical problem (again four of five).

I'm not sure this makes sense.... because presumably, two people (who have been together since before medical school) who decide to get married wouldn't necessarily decide to marry on the first week, or even the first YEAR, of medical school. I would think that they would have had a certain amount of adjustment time to the situation... at LEAST as much as those who meet *during* medical school, except that these couples have been together even LONGER than those that meet in med school.

 

[doc05]

some marriages in med school work out, but most end up in divorce (there have been studies). so don't force it, but if you do get married, please get a prenup or you'll be paying later.

 

[Ypo.]

I'm not sure this makes sense.... because presumably, two people (who have been together since before medical school) who decide to get married wouldn't necessarily decide to marry on the first week, or even the first YEAR, of medical school. I would think that they would have had a certain amount of adjustment time to the situation... at LEAST as much as those who meet *during* medical school, except that these couples have been together even LONGER than those that meet in med school.

Good point...The couples who met and married while in medical school obviously have not been together as long as the couples who were together prior to medical school. Sometimes it takes a few years before a serious issue or roadblock comes up in a relationship-ie- people can often live with disappointments and hopes for years before really forcing an issue. I would think that meeting someone in med school who shares your dreams and goals and similar educational level would be very exciting and romantic for the first few years, and not that hard to maintain. Assuming that Sheon is still in med school or hasn't been out for very long, he probably can't really say how the marriages of those who met in med school marriages will/have turn out. 😉

 

[DCM]

Obviously all of these things are very individual but my uncle has a good story. He began med school at 31 married with 3 kids after flying for the marines. He and his wife had 2 more children during school and he graduated at the top of his class. He became a heart surgeon and they had two more children during residency for seven total. They are a great happy family. He said that to do that you need to be organized and focused. No golf or bars or whatever, just family and school.

This also reinforces that if you have a strong relationship going in you can get thorugh it well. I hope so!

 

[mfrederi]

I have known many people at school that have been divorced (or are ready to get divorced), however my marriage has continued to grow over the last two years. One thing is that your SO does not have a "its so terrible, it is going to be so hard..." attitude. In reality, there are soliders in Iraq that have not seen their SO for months, people who spend several days a week travelling, or are gone for weeks at a time on business, etc. Truth is, med school is far from the worst situation for marriage. You really are pretty much self employed, so if you can make yourself handle your business during the times you would normally play X Box, watch TV, etc, you will find that by the time your SO comes around you have plenty of time to spend with them most nights. Sometimes things are going to get rough and you are going to have to stay up late at the library, etc, but that is just life. It is all about your collective attitude about it. If med school is just something you do, that sometimes takes extra time and creates some stress, you will be fine. But if it is who you are, what gives you your self worth, and becomes like some kind of drug to you it may take over your life and leave your SO feeling neglected and frustrated, which is legitimate.