Does med school affect your relationship with your significant other?

[eralza]

About a year and a half ago, my wife (of 10 years) left. To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. However, I used the energy of the anger and fear within me to finish up my prerequisites, study for the MCAT, and apply to medical school.
During the time of separation, I was training for a marathon and met a wonderful woman whom I've been dating ever since. She has been a physician for 5 years, and knows all about what she is in store for if she stays with me. Both of us are older, have traveled the world, and are pretty low maintenance. We are both in it (life, med school, the relationship) for the long haul and realize that the stresses of school are just speed bumps in our life together.
Compromise will always be necessary, but don't sacrifice your calling or ask your significant other to sacrifice theirs.

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[HouseHead]

I got married this past summer, btwn year 1 and 2. I've been with my now husband for over 9 years, and we've been through more than you can possibly imagine.

We had a really hard time for several months in year 1, which had to do both with my mindset about school and with an insane commute he was doing for work. We finally decided that he should quit his job (it didn't exactly go down like that, but close enough), and he was out of work for several months thereafter. I had to change my mindset- I realized it wasn't all about me and my drama- and that some balance was necessary. I had already decided to spend time doing fun stuff instead of studying all the time, and I just had to shift more of that energy to my SO.

Like someone else said, I could be at the top of my class if that were my priority. But it's not. It used to be, and I used to *want* school and career to consume me, but I just don't feel that way any more. I'm still doing above average on pretty much every test, and have yet to get below a high pass for any class, but I spend waaaaaay less time studying now than I did in undergrad. And I'm much happier for it.

Back to the point at hand (sorry, I'm sick right now, and not terribly linear with my thinking): Priorities. For those that say things like "relationships are a dime a dozen", it's pretty obvious that they haven't been in a majorly, mutually invested relationship- or maybe they just got burned. For those of us who have spent a significant part of our lives with someone and have been through hell and high water with that person, we know better. Which, of course, is not to say that is the position most medical school marriages start out in. But having someone supportive is an amazing thing; we just have to remember that we need to give something back to make the relationship work. For me, this means having periods where I can be totally dedicated to studying, to the extent that I have the days before exams hilighted on a calendar so that my husband knows not to talk (much) to me. Otherwise, I usually study during the day, when he's at work (which, btw, rocks, since I don't have to stress about $$$ the way most of my classmates do!). That way, I can spend evenings with my hunny, talking and hanging out, and he *knows* he's my priority- which is a really important thing for him to understand.

One of the best pieces of advice I got in med school was as an incoming, a 2nd year (married and with a newborn) told me not to feel like I *had* to go to class (which I did as an undergrad)- she almost never went to class, because it was a waste of time for her. I realized almost immediately that it was true for me too- I just kept falling asleep in class, and the commute made it a double waste of time. So, I went to anatomy lab, and that was pretty much it; I had even more time the following semester, when I could take my microscope home to study for histo lab. Now I only show up for mandatory stuff- which of course means 3rd year will be a huge change, but what can ya do.

So, we decided to get married this past summer. We had the time (although planning a wedding 6k miles away in 3 months sucked), I had finally gotten over my cold feet, and we had an agenda, which was (is) to have a child- which is now due at the end of May.

Once upon a time, I would have never dreamed that I would want to take time off during med school, for any reason. But now I'm planning on taking the fall semester off to spend with my newborn. I could *never* get that time back. Priorities!

In Oprah-esque fashion, I believe we should always be our own top priorities, because if we don't take care of ourselves we won't be able to take care of anyone else. But, since we *should* always be number one, I don't even count it (sorta like skin cancer ). So, my husband is now my top priority, which will soon change to be my child. School? Well, it's important, but will never again be #1.

Final analysis:
If you can't be there for your family, how can you be there for your patients?
If your SO does not yet count as family, obviously it's not quite the same. But even if they aren't, think of how they might feel- would *you* want to be second to something like school or work? It might take up a lot of time, but that doesn't mean it has to- or should- take over your life. If that means better time management, so be it. But if you're COMMITTED to someone, *make time* for them.

 

[Ypo.]

If med school is just something you do, that sometimes takes extra time and creates some stress, you will be fine. But if it is who you are, what gives you your self worth, and becomes like some kind of drug to you it may take over your life and leave your SO feeling neglected and frustrated, which is legitimate.

Your occupation is one of the things that contributes to your feeling of self-worth and there is nothing wrong with getting self-esteem from it. A lot of people 'do' define who they are largely by their work.

I think the idea here is balance-not letting your work (or school) completely dominate your life, but similarly, not expecting to have all of your needs fulfilled through your relationship.

A lot of happily married people have a hard time in their relationship when one of the spouses retires (especially if the woman was a house wife). This is because retirement is an adjustment (you have to find something else to fill the gap that work left in your life), and often times the retiree starts placing more demands on the relationship, or even intruding into the housewife's work-which then of course infringes upon her job.

 

[gioia]

About a year and a half ago, my wife (of 10 years) left. To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. However, I used the energy of the anger and fear within me to finish up my prerequisites, study for the MCAT, and apply to medical school.

Would you mind saying if you knew, looking back, that things wouldn't work? Were there warning signs or did you always feel like you were patching leaks?

Or was it that the impending stress just created too much tension??

I am curious because 10 years is a long time!

 

[abraxas20]

This is entirely untrue for married couples...... especially those with kids. If you are married, then school is #2.

This is interesting. I am married. Have been for a while (ie. not a newlywed).

School is a part of me and therefore necessary for my success and happiness as a person. I never explain this well, but it works for me and my spouse. I am less of a person if I am not pursuing my own goals. So school and my family are equal in priority, often with school edging out family a little.

Right now, this is why I don't have kids.

 

[rocknightmare]

I have been in a relationship with my gf for the past 3 years, but now it seems like the relationship is over --- she wants "space." It has been hard for me but I think I will be fine when Dental school starts in July. But my question for the people that had SO b4 school started and when school started the SO was gone, how did you cope? I mean having a GF was a great support system for me in college and I am slightly worried that I won't find something like that again.

 

[Benzo4every1]

married people do better academically in med school than single people. this was just an observation.
they have a better support system, someone to cook for them and all they do is study.

 

[prlester]

what about just dating and hanging out? i am in a new area and dont know anyone or anything. Havent left the campus often. can one date in medical school, if the person is not a student?

 

[Argante]

I got married this past summer, btwn year 1 and 2. I've been with my now husband for over 9 years, and we've been through more than you can possibly imagine.

I could have written almost this exact same statment. I got married a year and a half ago, between year 2 and 3. I've known my husband for almost 10 years now. Last month I found out that he had been cheating on me for 9 months. My views on cheating in general and this situation specifically are a separate subject, but a significant contributing factor was medical school, especially that I was doing a lot of away rotations during 3rd year, which I had no control over. Obviously, there were many other contributing factors, but even when I was in town, neither of us were very good about making time for the other. We never really got into setting aside time just for us. And that hurt us.

So, medical school definitely affects relationships, how could it not? It's a huge amount of stress no matter who you are. I think the key really is to just make sure sure you spend time with each other, not thinking about school or anything else. It sounds easy, but it's not. School doesn't have to suffer for you to make time for each other and in fact, if your relationship stays strong, you're more likely to do well.

 

[gary5]

Med school affects *every* relationship that you have. You simply won't have much time. The most important factors are how busy your sig. other is and how tolerant they are. These will primarily determine if you'll stay together.

 

[evajaclynn]

I really disagree with this whole "your SO will just have to understand that school will be your main priority" line of thinking. A support system has been just as crucial to my sucess in medical school as lots of studying. Prime example, last year my fiance was in Canada finishing up his last year of school while I was in my first med. school year. I had all the time in the world to study with NO "distractions" minus an hour call per night. However, I found it hard to do well because I was not my best without anything or anyone in my life besides medical school. This year, my finace has been living here and I have definitly had less studying time. However, the grades have come easy because I was happy...what a concept.
Aside from the support system being critical to medical school sucess, you are entering one of those careers that can totally consume you. If you get into that habit while in medical school, you will be in that habit for the rest of your life and you will not be a happy person. People need things in their lives besides work...even if it is rewarding work.
The majority of you will have no problem passing. You have to study, but you don't have to be a nazi about it to pass. Beyond making sure you pass, you have to ask yourself what getting higher marks is really going to get you and what it is going to cost you. Sure, all us type-a personalities want to do well, but focus on being a well person in addition to a good doctor because the two are interdependent.
A good relationship is not a dime a dozen. You shouldn't be so careless with it. Who you spend your life with will determine 90% of your happiness and 90% of your misery. To me, that is every bit as important as being in the top third of my medical school class.
Its all about balance people!

Well said!!!

 

[evajaclynn]

I could have written almost this exact same statment. I got married a year and a half ago, between year 2 and 3. I've known my husband for almost 10 years now. Last month I found out that he had been cheating on me for 9 months. My views on cheating in general and this situation specifically are a separate subject, but a significant contributing factor was medical school, especially that I was doing a lot of away rotations during 3rd year, which I had no control over. Obviously, there were many other contributing factors, but even when I was in town, neither of us were very good about making time for the other. We never really got into setting aside time just for us. And that hurt us.

So, medical school definitely affects relationships, how could it not? It's a huge amount of stress no matter who you are. I think the key really is to just make sure sure you spend time with each other, not thinking about school or anything else. It sounds easy, but it's not. School doesn't have to suffer for you to make time for each other and in fact, if your relationship stays strong, you're more likely to do well.

How awful! I hope that things work out for you in the end.

 

[Argante]

How awful! I hope that things work out for you in the end.

I think they will. Things have already gotten a lot better. And like I said, there were many contributing factors. Not that he wasn't wrong, but I never was a big believer in "one strike and you're out." Who knows, maybe I'm too forgiving or something.

 

[cuparevage]

Here is my situation painful situation

-I have been with my gf for fours years now.
-I have a daughter from a former marriage. I have made it clear that I won't be able to relocate away from my daughter. I see her twice a week
-My gf is a 4th year med school student. We agreed that she would apply only to residency program in the same state where we live to try to match where we are.
-Yesterday, she told me that she will have to apply for other programs that are 2.5 hours away from where we live and that she will commute daily. (5 hours driving + working hours).
-She suggested we move closer. however, where she wants to move will cut out only 1 hour.
-We are madly in love and dependent on each other.. She is a great person, and we really supported each other through our school, career, and life.

What should I do?

 

[sloop]

Here is my situation painful situation

-I have been with my gf for fours years now.
-I have a daughter from a former marriage. I have made it clear that I won't be able to relocate away from my daughter. I see her twice a week
-My gf is a 4th year med school student. We agreed that she would apply only to residency program in the same state where we live to try to match where we are.
-Yesterday, she told me that she will have to apply for other programs that are 2.5 hours away from where we live and that she will commute daily. (5 hours driving + working hours).
-She suggested we move closer. however, where she wants to move will cut out only 1 hour.
-We are madly in love and dependent on each other.. She is a great person, and we really supported each other through our school, career, and life.

What should I do?

Depending on what specialty she wants to go into (and even regardless of that) it can be difficult to be picky about residency geography. She may be different but I do not see a 2.5 hr commute working out well in residency. This would probably result in her getting almost no sleep many nights. I just see that as a terrible option. If this is the case and you only see your daughter twice a week, I would suggest moving closer to your girlfriend and making the trip yourself twice a week to see your daughter. Just realize what you're asking her to do by driving home for almost three hours after being on call.

I have also been with my girlfriend for about 4 years. Honestly both of us know that she and medicine share the slot for top priority in my life. I feel bad about this but it just has to be at this stage in the game. Just recognize that the fact she has decided to limit her applications to your state/area is already a huge sacrifice. She seems to be prioritizing location, but ultimately she will match somewhere and that's where she'll have to go. At that point, you have limited options: move with her; long distance; figure out some acceptable middle ground where one of you commutes to where they need to be; break up. This is pretty much the exhaustive list of your options.

Again, my suggestion is that if you wind up a few hours away from your daughter you should make the commute twice a week to see her. Go do something with her during these visits. This is much more doable and much less selfish than expecting your significant other to commute this far every single day in intern year and residency.

 

[fancymylotus]

I do not understand significant others and spouses that want to be demanding and expect all these accommodations to be made for them when the person they're with is in professional school/residency/whatever. Often times you have no choice as to where you're going to be geographically, is that so hard to comprehend?

I'm not referring specifically to the necrobump here but...just making observations from what I've read on sdn lately.

 

[sloop]

I do not understand significant others and spouses that want to be demanding and expect all these accommodations to be made for them when the person they're with is in professional school/residency/whatever. Often times you have no choice as to where you're going to be geographically, is that so hard to comprehend?

I'm not referring specifically to the necrobump here but...just making observations from what I've read on sdn lately.

Right. I might be odd, but I'm relatively uncompromising on this. My girlfriend would not like to live in some areas of the country and while there are some areas I conceded not to apply because even I don't really want to live there, ultimately I'm going to apply to places I think are good for my career and she can decide what she wants to do accordingly.

When it gets down to it, residency is not forever and you do not really get to do it over. Where I go can change my career trajectory. This is simply not something I'm going to make lots of compromises on. She can have input, but to me this is not ultimately a shared decision. I did not spend this long in school to let someone else make decisions about my career.

 

[fancymylotus]

Right. I might be odd, but I'm relatively uncompromising on this. My girlfriend would not like to live in some areas of the country and while there are some areas I conceded not to apply because even I don't really want to live there, ultimately I'm going to apply to places I think are good for my career and she can decide what she wants to do accordingly.

When it gets down to it, residency is not forever and you do not really get to do it over. Where I go can change my career trajectory. This is simply not something I'm going to make lots of compromises on. She can have input, but to me this is not ultimately a shared decision. I did not spend this long in school to let someone else make decisions about my career.

Thank you. Finally someone gets it.

 

[cuparevage]

Depending on what specialty she wants to go into (and even regardless of that) it can be difficult to be picky about residency geography. She may be different but I do not see a 2.5 hr commute working out well in residency. This would probably result in her getting almost no sleep many nights. I just see that as a terrible option. If this is the case and you only see your daughter twice a week, I would suggest moving closer to your girlfriend and making the trip yourself twice a week to see your daughter. Just realize what you're asking her to do by driving home for almost three hours after being on call.

I have also been with my girlfriend for about 4 years. Honestly both of us know that she and medicine share the slot for top priority in my life. I feel bad about this but it just has to be at this stage in the game. Just recognize that the fact she has decided to limit her applications to your state/area is already a huge sacrifice. She seems to be prioritizing location, but ultimately she will match somewhere and that's where she'll have to go. At that point, you have limited options: move with her; long distance; figure out some acceptable middle ground where one of you commutes to where they need to be; break up. This is pretty much the exhaustive list of your options.

Again, my suggestion is that if you wind up a few hours away from your daughter you should make the commute twice a week to see her. Go do something with her during these visits. This is much more doable and much less selfish than expecting your significant other to commute this far every single day in intern year and residency.

She is trying to get into Pediatric Emergency. I also forgot to mention that I own a house where we live right now. A part of the compromise is to sell it or rent it and move closer.

This is very helpful. Thank you very much. Keep typing please and tell me more about your experience.

 

[fancymylotus]

Right. I might be odd, but I'm relatively uncompromising on this. My girlfriend would not like to live in some areas of the country and while there are some areas I conceded not to apply because even I don't really want to live there, ultimately I'm going to apply to places I think are good for my career and she can decide what she wants to do accordingly.

When it gets down to it, residency is not forever and you do not really get to do it over. Where I go can change my career trajectory. This is simply not something I'm going to make lots of compromises on. She can have input, but to me this is not ultimately a shared decision. I did not spend this long in school to let someone else make decisions about my career.

I hate the Midwest and Indiana sort of makes me want to punch a wall, but I have no choice in the matter and I know it's temporary.

 

[sloop]

She is trying to get into Pediatric Emergency. I also forgot to mention that I own a house where we live right now. A part of the compromise is to sell it or rent it and move closer.

This is very helpful. Thank you very much. Keep typing please and tell me more about your experience.

Pediatric EM is a subspecialty. So she'll either be doing a pediatric or EM residency. If it's pediatrics, she'll probably be taking call or night float on a pediatric ICU. If it's EM, she'll be doing shifts at various times of the day. Neither of these is great for commuting 2.5 hrs each way.

The truth is there are limited residencies in a given area. She'll apply, rank and eventually be matched somewhere. Aside from applying only locally, she doesn't have much control in this process. She goes where she matches. That's the deal. To be honest, she's compromised with you on this as much as she possibly can.

You really do not have a choice. You have to decide what your priorities are. Even if she can somehow manage 5 hours of driving each day on top of her job, you will probably almost never see her. Remember that those hours have to come out of time that otherwise would have been spent doing something else. In your case, the further she drives, the less you will see her, the fewer dinners you will get to have together, the less dates you can go on, the less time you can spend curled up with each other watching a movie. These will probably be precious moments to you when she's training. If she drives three hours, she's going to just get home, eat something and immediately go to sleep. This will happen day after day.

My advice is to move as close as you can. Otherwise, you will almost never see her, even if she's living with you.

 

[RJGOP]

I hate the Midwest and Indiana sort of makes me want to punch a wall, but I have no choice in the matter and I know it's temporary.

Oh come on, it could be worse. Like if you had to live in New York or something.

 

[fancymylotus]

Oh come on, it could be worse. Like if you had to live in New York or something.

Or Missouri.

 

[RJGOP]

Or Missouri.

Touché. But who am I kidding? 90% of the country probably agrees with you in that respect.

 

[alpinism]

She is trying to get into Pediatric Emergency. I also forgot to mention that I own a house where we live right now. A part of the compromise is to sell it or rent it and move closer.

This is very helpful. Thank you very much. Keep typing please and tell me more about your experience.

Is she doing EM or Peds residency first?

For EM, unless she has a near perfect application the standard is to apply to 30-40 programs all across the country. If she only apples to the 3 or 4 programs near where you live (unless you're in NYC or Chicago = more local options) there is a very good chance she will not match and won't get a residency. Peds is somewhat less competitive but you still should be applying to more than 10 programs in different states and regions of the country.

Hopefully she'll get lucky and stay in your hometown, if not you have 3 options at this point -

1. Stay where you are and see her once or twice a week on off days (If <3hrs away) or a few times a month (If >3hrs away). If you're willing to spend the money on flights and constant traveling you could possibly see her more often.

2. Move away with her to her new residency location.

3. End the relationship.