editing help please

[sdnstud]

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i wrote a letter and attached it with the secondary to a school i interviewed last year and rejected. can someone please do me a favor and take a look at the grammar? and make sure everything flows well adn makes sense. one of my friends told me my letter suck because of the word choices and sentence structure...can someone help me out?

keep in mind that this is a informative letter...not a descriptive letter. I want this as concise and to the point as possible because i want the ad comm to read it!!!

Dear Admission Committee,
My interview at UIC Rockford in November 2002 allowed me to learn about your program more fully. With the guide of xxx, a fourth year student at UIC, I was able to explore the UIC campuses and several teaching clinics in Chicago. After my visit to UIC, I am more convinced than ever that I can contribute to the school and receive an excellent medical education.

Although I am not from Illinois, I embrace the opportunity to move the Midwest. While there, I felt a wonderful rapport not only with the student body, but also with local residents and professionals. To this day, I continue to maintain communication with some of them.

After I learned of my rejection from UIC in 2003, I received great advice from Ms. Linda Singleton on how to improve my qualifications for medical school. Inspired by Ms. Singleton's suggestions, I have dedicated much of my time the past two years to improving my application.

I have been persistent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers me the opportunity to live a fulfilling life dedicated to helping others. Attending UIC would be one of the greatest rewards for my persistence for success.

 

[katnapper]

i wrote a letter and attached it with the secondary to a school i interviewed last year and rejected. can someone please do me a favor and take a look at the grammar? and make sure everything flows well adn makes sense. one of my friends told me my letter suck because of the word choices and sentence structure...can someone help me out?

keep in mind that this is a informative letter...not a descriptive letter. I want this as concise and to the point as possible because i want the ad comm to read it!!!

Dear Admission Committee,
My interview at UIC Rockford in November 2002 allowed me to learn about your program more fully. With the guide of xxx, a fourth year student at UIC, I was able to explore the UIC campuses and several teaching clinics in Chicago. After my visit to UIC, I am more convinced than ever that I can contribute to the school and receive an excellent medical education.

Although I am not from Illinois, I embrace the opportunity to move the Midwest. While there, I felt a wonderful rapport not only with the student body, but also with local residents and professionals. To this day, I continue to maintain communication with some of them.

After I learned of my rejection from UIC in 2003, I received great advice from Ms. Linda Singleton on how to improve my qualifications for medical school. Inspired by Ms. Singleton's suggestions, I have dedicated much of my time the past two years to improving my application.

I have been persistent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers me the opportunity to live a fulfilling life dedicated to helping others. Attending UIC would be one of the greatest rewards for my persistence for success.

This might be totally nitpicky, but...you use the word "great" and "greatest" kind of close to one another. I think you could find more specific words. Also you keep mentioning you are convinced. Maybe change one of those convinced to something else, or remove it and restructure the sentance. Esp. in the last paragraph.

Heh. I was a Comm. Major once upon a time.

 

[sdh516]

I think that in your effort to be concise, you have left out reasons as to why THEIR school is 100% the place you should be. You mention the setting and getting to see facilities, but after reading your letter, I couldn't say, "Yeah, this applicant should be here because of...." Your secondary might be attached, but you need to give them a reason to look through it, to see how you have improved as a candidate.

As far as grammer goes. You write in a very simplistic manner (this does not mean stupid). You sentence structure is basic, not varied in length and form. Syntax is a big thing here too. I would restructure the whole thing, and make the letter flow in a more informative, yet concise manner. Nothing says to be short and sweet is to be uninformative or rigid.

Feel free to pm me, I can give you more advice, and help with the rewriting of the letter. I will help you in any way that I can! Good luck! 🙂

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Read this and tell me what you think. My suggestions are in red, I suggest taking out the items with the slash.

Let me know.

 

[derf]

Read this and tell me what you think. My suggestions are in red, I suggest taking out the items with the slash.

Let me know.

agree with comments in attachment above

 

[summerlovin]

Wow EMT2ER-DOC! I am constantly amazed with the generosity and helpfulness of SDN members. That was really nice of you! 🙂

 

[sdnstud]

Thank you everyone, especially EMT2ER-Doc and sdh516, for your help. I re-wrote my letter with your guidance. See below. Please anyone, point out any grammar mistakes or anything that sounds vague. Again, thank you everyone...I greatly appreciate the kindness.

Dear Admissions Committee:

I have previously applied to UIC College of Medicine and was granted an interview in November 2002. In May 2003, I received news that I was not offered a place in the entering class of 2003. I am writing to express my continuing interest in attending UIC and my dedication to improving my qualifications for medical school.

During my interview at the Rockford campus, I had the pleasure of shadowing xxx, a fourth-year student at UIC. Under the guidance of Mr. xxx, I visited the University of Illinois Hospital, and several University of Illinois Primary Care Clinics. I learned about the Rural Medical Education Program (RMEP) at Rockford and experienced first-hand the student?s role in one of its clinics. I am eager for an opportunity to be part of RMEP, as I understand the importance of medical care for the underserved area, especially after growing up in such an area myself.

I have consulted Ms. Linda Singleton, assistant director in the Office of Admissions at UIC, for advise on how to strengthen my application. Since I last applied to UIC, I have gained more medically-related experience, published a paper on my research, continued my work in the community, and retaken the MCAT.

It is my goal to become a physician who provides services to the medically underserved. An education at UIC offers me the training I need to meet this goal. Thank you for your time and consideration. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Wow EMT2ER-DOC! I am constantly amazed with the generosity and helpfulness of SDN members. That was really nice of you! 🙂

 

[Dr Turninkoff]

i'm impressed wtih the new letter. to the op: next time, maybe send it to someone who wants to read it rather than posting it. people here scare me with talk of adcoms browsing around. it was actually an adcom person that gave me the sdn address. in your case, it wouldn't matter anyway, but just a thought. once again, i think your new letter is very strong.