Hi there! I'd like to ask are there any senior members of this forum who could help to edit my personal statement for dental school? Thanks.
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Editing My Personal Statement
- Thread starter SkyCapri
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See your pm.
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sounds like an good essay but you jump from one thing to another which i don't think is right.. first you start with a story of a kid's first dental visit, then you tell that you were the volunteer but immediately you talk about your grandfather..Try to be continues with the story!! you also have a lot of grammar correction to make
Do NOT say ambition... sounds you are after the big $$$$
its NOT dental nomenclature ( we are not talking about chemistry here).. its dental anatomy terminology!!
Plastic retainers? you should use other term for this dental appliance!! ask your dentist
Playing the piano --- there will be another section on the application where you can talk about your manual dexterity so don't waste space talking about it again on your PS
It seems that you still need a lot of work on this essay, you still have a lot of time though.. I really like the story of kid and maybe you can incorporate how you learned what you tough the kid by having to brush your grandpa's teeth everyday and following instruction on how to use the electric toothbrush...You have a good story but you need to work those words better.. I would love to continue helping with ideas and corrections. I might need someone to help me too soon
Do NOT say ambition... sounds you are after the big $$$$
its NOT dental nomenclature ( we are not talking about chemistry here).. its dental anatomy terminology!!
Plastic retainers? you should use other term for this dental appliance!! ask your dentist
Playing the piano --- there will be another section on the application where you can talk about your manual dexterity so don't waste space talking about it again on your PS
It seems that you still need a lot of work on this essay, you still have a lot of time though.. I really like the story of kid and maybe you can incorporate how you learned what you tough the kid by having to brush your grandpa's teeth everyday and following instruction on how to use the electric toothbrush...You have a good story but you need to work those words better.. I would love to continue helping with ideas and corrections. I might need someone to help me too soon
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my advice: take the link down before someone gets a hold of your personal statement.
Like Predent said... you should probably take it off....
Since I did download it and read it. I'll give you a feedback as well. You will probably go through a few revisions, before you submit it. The good thing is you have something. I believe the hardest part is actually starting your personal statement. You got me interested in reading because of the way you started your personal statement. However, it didn't flow afterwards. I liked the paragraph that you included about your grandfather. You should try to keep the reader interested throughout your personal statement. I however, lost interest after the paragraph about your grandfather. Some may feel differently, but again that's just me.
You mentioned that you volunteered for Dr. Yang and you mentioned that he is an Orthodontist. There are tons of orthodontists out there and perhaps I just haven't had the opportunity to run into an Orthodontist that still practice general dentistry. Dr.Yang is a practicing Orthodontist that still does general dentistry on pedo? If he does, I think that's awesome, but as a reader I found it kind of weird and it didn't link up. Again that's just me, perhaps there are lots of Orthodontists out there that still practices general dentistry and I just haven't met one.
I hope you take it down and send it to people in the forums who have been around for a while instead of just having it up for download. There are tons of pre-dents out there that are always trying to get an idea of how to write their personal statement.
Since I did download it and read it. I'll give you a feedback as well. You will probably go through a few revisions, before you submit it. The good thing is you have something. I believe the hardest part is actually starting your personal statement. You got me interested in reading because of the way you started your personal statement. However, it didn't flow afterwards. I liked the paragraph that you included about your grandfather. You should try to keep the reader interested throughout your personal statement. I however, lost interest after the paragraph about your grandfather. Some may feel differently, but again that's just me.
You mentioned that you volunteered for Dr. Yang and you mentioned that he is an Orthodontist. There are tons of orthodontists out there and perhaps I just haven't had the opportunity to run into an Orthodontist that still practice general dentistry. Dr.Yang is a practicing Orthodontist that still does general dentistry on pedo? If he does, I think that's awesome, but as a reader I found it kind of weird and it didn't link up. Again that's just me, perhaps there are lots of Orthodontists out there that still practices general dentistry and I just haven't met one.
I hope you take it down and send it to people in the forums who have been around for a while instead of just having it up for download. There are tons of pre-dents out there that are always trying to get an idea of how to write their personal statement.
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Hi there! I'd like to ask are there any senior members of this forum who could help to edit my personal statement for dental school? Thanks.
You used a few big words awkwardly. If you don't know how to use it, then don't. If they're not commonly used, don't use them. If you're trying to impress someone reading, it's more important to have flow and function in a sentence, like water. Big words can make the reader stop and grab a dictionary. Its quite annoying. I tend to use a lot of alliteration and adjectives. And avoid unnecessary commas.
For example: "inculcates", very cumbersome to say, and I've never seen this word except in some old books. Instead, use "instills" or "ingrains"; means the same thing as inculcates but easier to articulate.
And this isn't a short story, so avoid dialogue whenever possible. And dialogues create new paragraphs. That's not something you want.
Don't talk about your "calling" or destiny or fate. That just sounds silly and contrived.
SPELL CHECK is your friend.
Read the PS out loud. I believe the personal statement should sound humble and sincere. The first sentence should grab the attention of the reader as to what the rest of the PS is about. Or make it really interesting. Mild humor is good; there is a certain level of maturity when done right. It just comes right off the page.
Finally, your PS should be no more than 5 paragraphs(I couldn't imagine have more than that with 5000 characters for AADSAS); an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. Your paragraphs are short and choppy. You are allowed 5000 characters, use it; I don't think you were close. The introduction leads to the body, and the body leads to the conclusion, which wraps up the PS. Don't tell them because of what you wrote it will make you a good fit for their school. They' can decide from reading it. Actually, don't mention any schools.
PM me for more info.
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