Explaining to your parents what you're doing and why it's taking so long [desis]

[Undecipherable]

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No one in my family has pursued high education before; my family tree is full of farmers from India. Being the older child, my parents' would have appreciated if I just did some 4 year degree and unburdened them a-sap (non-desis, there might be a difference in expectations from different cultures here). How I see it is...I've worked for the family business my entire life and am not about to compromise what I want to do with my life in the long run because of some culturally made-up timeline. However, I see where they are coming from, too, and I also don't want to be just getting married in my 30s and making kids in my mid to late 30s, either.

I'm also a girl, which adds the marriage vs. ticking clock problem. When and where the feck am I going to find someone to marry? My parents ask me all the time how much longer my schooling will take. It's impossible to explain the process to them. All they ever see is how old I'll be when I'm done. Maybe if I really put myself out there in the first 2 years of med school (granted I'm admitted to one in a large city ), it can be done. I refuse to look into "prospects" they bring up because most of them are losers without futures, and I would at least like someone who is on the same caliber as myself (socioeconomically and educationally)...as shallow as that may sound to some. Right now, I'm 23 (I had a late start on this path). I'll be in med school by 25. According to my "plan", I could be married around 26-27. Otherwise, I'm going to be that girl in her late 20s who isn't married. Most guys will be flocking to younger girls.

Basically, I'm travelling in a dark tunnel right now. Is anyone experiencing something similar? Would you care to share some thoughts or advice with me? I would really appreciate any responses on how to deal with this because, honestly, it drives me insane sometimes. Sorry if my post doesn't sound very put together lol. I'm at work atm and just blurted out everything. 😳

 

[typicalindian]

Sit them out and draw a timeline. It works

 

[willen101383]

Okay first up....why are you so focused on marriage being the defining moment in your life? There is absolutely no rush. I am getting married in 3 months (holy ****) at age 28 to a girl ive been with for 5 years (and been with on and off since we were 14). I realize you are Indian and some other cultures place a huge emphasis on this....but you have bigger fish to fry.

Your parents need to learn that this is YOUR life not theirs. You need to figure out a way to preserve your family life....but they need to understand they are spectators in your life..not controllers. I do agree with the above poster...lay out some sort of timeline for them. Print it/draw it out/whatever...something that is a detailed timeline.....because if you are a premed you have a LONG time ahead of you before you are able to work as a doc.

Good luck!

This thread made me think of bend it like beckham lulz

 

[Cinclus]

23 isn't really a late start on the medical path, just so you know. And also, it's not shallow of you to want to be in a relationship with someone on your level; it's a nothing else but a good idea to seek out someone with whom you will be compatible in many ways, or else your relationship will likely be crap.

 

[Undecipherable]

Sit them out and draw a timeline. It works

Yeahhhh tried that. They always fail to understand why it takes so long to become anything. Our conversations always end in me feeling guilty about getting old LOL.

 

[willen101383]

Yeahhhh tried that. They always fail to understand why it takes so long to become anything. Our conversations always end in me feeling guilty about getting old LOL.

I started med school last year at age 27....you are NOT old. You are in fact YOUNG for many school's average age.

 

[CaliGirl14]

I know what you're going through because my parents are lame too. In terms of your parents, you kinda have to appease them. I know the 'prospects' they bring up are losers, but go on dates with them to make your parents happy. Hey, what can you lose? A free dinner perhaps?

 

[Flapjacks]

Wow, I'm Indian and my whole lineage is farmers and I work/lived on their farm (in the US) till I got into med school at 26. And I had slightly the same problem, especially hearing it from my Grandfather, except I am a male.

 

[willen101383]

I know what you're going through because my parents are lame too. In terms of your parents, you kinda have to appease them. I know the 'prospects' they bring up are losers, but go on dates with them to make your parents happy. Hey, what can you lose? A free dinner perhaps?

You have to appease your parents by dating losers? Sheesh! What happened to living your own life vs letting your parents live yours?

 

[typicalindian]

You have to appease your parents by dating losers? Sheesh! What happened to living your own life vs letting your parents live yours?

The Indian culture hasn't progressed this far yet.

 

[Undecipherable]

It's like I was supposed to know what I wanted to do before I started college, which admittedly might be true for a lot of people. There wasn't any career-oriented guidance for me during high school outside of school, either, so that ruled out exposure to anything not in the realm of minimum wage jobs. I floated around exploring different fields during my early college years - hence why it's taken me "so long". Thanks to everyone who is saying that I'm not old, which is something I know already (although it has taken me a while to make myself sincerely believe this, too, haha), but bridging the cultural gap is what is irksome. It's frustrating to deal with people who aren't willing to respect your decision and be patient with you.

 

[aranza]

You would think after watching 3 Idiots they would understand a BIT, but nope.

 

[Don15]

non-desis won't understand when you say "non-desis" lol. anyways your situation is unique because most indians parents are the ones pushing their children into becoming a doctor

 

[Flapjacks]

non-desis won't understand when you say "non-desis" lol. anyways your situation is unique because most indians parents are the ones pushing their children into becoming a doctor

That's incorrect. They just don't want to be the one in a conversation with another family and have to tell them how underachieving their children are; most Indian parents would be very happy with a engineer, PhD, pianist, etc.

 

[Undecipherable]

Okay first up....why are you so focused on marriage being the defining moment in your life? There is absolutely no rush. I am getting married in 3 months (holy ****) at age 28 to a girl ive been with for 5 years (and been with on and off since we were 14). I realize you are Indian and some other cultures place a huge emphasis on this....but you have bigger fish to fry.

Your parents need to learn that this is YOUR life not theirs. You need to figure out a way to preserve your family life....but they need to understand they are spectators in your life..not controllers. I do agree with the above poster...lay out some sort of timeline for them. Print it/draw it out/whatever...something that is a detailed timeline.....because if you are a premed you have a LONG time ahead of you before you are able to work as a doc.

Good luck!

This thread made me think of bend it like beckham lulz

Marriage isn't the defining moment of my life as much as it might seem like it from my post. In fact, I have a lot of drive for what I'm doing is why I'm still en route to it. Thank you (and typicalindian) for the support and ideas. I just needed others to reassure me I'm not the crazy one. 🙂

23 isn't really a late start on the medical path, just so you know. And also, it's not shallow of you to want to be in a relationship with someone on your level; it's a nothing else but a good idea to seek out someone with whom you will be compatible in many ways, or else your relationship will likely be crap.

I started med school last year at age 27....you are NOT old. You are in fact YOUNG for many school's average age.

Hey guys! Thanks for understanding and making me feel better. I looked up the average of M1s, and it's 25ish. It really isn't bad (if at all "bad" lol, but for the sake of this scenario, let's consider it so).

I know what you're going through because my parents are lame too. In terms of your parents, you kinda have to appease them. I know the 'prospects' they bring up are losers, but go on dates with them to make your parents happy. Hey, what can you lose? A free dinner perhaps?

Oh god, you're in the same boat with the prospects. Nah, I don't want to waste 2 people and family's time. Also, sometimes with desi families (the traditional ones) you can't even go on dates with the other person and the entire family wants to be involved from the beginning. For someone who isn't super traditional, that's not the type of family I wish to marry into.

Wow, I'm Indian and my whole lineage is farmers and I work/lived on their farm (in the US) till I got into med school at 26. And I had slightly the same problem, especially hearing it from my Grandfather, except I am a male.

Sucks, doesn't it? You still heard crap being a male?

 

[Undecipherable]

non-desis won't understand when you say "non-desis" lol. anyways your situation is unique because most indians parents are the ones pushing their children into becoming a doctor

Haha it was the most efficient way of including all south Asians (Indians, Pakistanis, Bengalis, etc.).

While no one has pushed me down this route, I am somewhat envious of those who have had extra influence (although, I understand where it could have become tiresome as well) because at least there is patience and understanding on behalf of those parents.

That's incorrect. They just don't want to be the one in a conversation with another family and have to tell them how underachieving their children are; most Indian parents would be very happy with a engineer, PhD, pianist, etc.

This is true. There was a huge sigh of relief when my younger brother revealed what he wants to do (mechanical engineering) mainly because of what you just said. It's kind of unfortunate it's like this, but it is what it is. I'm happy for him because he's good in science and math naturally and know he wasn't pressured into it. Won't complain that he killed two birds with one stone with his decision, either, though.

 

[willen101383]

The Indian culture hasn't progressed this far yet.

I understand this. I grew up in a Jewish family so I know how some of this family crap goes. I just cannot understand how people who are essentially adults get walked all over/controlled by their parents. My parents stopped with their crap as soon as I turned 18...mainly because they knew I wouldnt really give a ish what they said.

 

[Neurosis]

At least your parents pay attention...

 

[kpcrew]

I refuse to look into "prospects" they bring up because most of them are losers without futures, and I would at least like someone who is on the same caliber as myself (socioeconomically and educationally)...as shallow as that may sound to some.

This is a legitimate concern and can cause issues in a marriage, but this mode of thinking can also backfire on you. My aunt was the same way; she was attractive when she was young and she graduated from the best university. Consequently, she started earning a lot of money during a time when men were making much more than women on average. So she had the same thought process as you and did not deign to discuss any marriage prospects either since they weren't on her "level". Fast forward 40 years, she's 60 and still unmarried. All of her brothers and sisters have 2 or more children. She finally gets married to a dude that the rest of the family hates, a man who just divorced his wife and has two children. She's rich because she earned a ton of money for 40 years and never had to spend on anyone but herself (not including gifts and supporting her mother). But she tried to have children and nothing worked since she's too old now. I'm not saying that this will be you but there are many people who were too choosy and never grabbed a chance when they had many. Before you know it, it's too late.

If smart people like doctors don't get married and have children, we'll have idiots like snookie and kim kardashian running around because those are the people that procreate. Do it for society ^^

 

[Undecipherable]

I understand this. I grew up in a Jewish family so I know how some of this family crap goes. I just cannot understand how people who are essentially adults get walked all over/controlled by their parents. My parents stopped with their crap as soon as I turned 18...mainly because they knew I wouldnt really give a ish what they said.

If I'd really let them walk all over me, I'd have been married by now through their influence regardless of having grown up in the U.S. It's so complicated - they want me to be successful in something, but heavens forbid it takes some time pfft. I'm ranting and creating fluff now. The key is probably to just continue what I'm doing and let them suffer through their anxiety for a few more years. I'm hoping their restlessness will subside some once I enter med school and then I'll find some guy to work my magic on and reel him in lol. Props to being the rebellious one @ you, though. Wish I were like that, but not caving into their traditions can be a subtle form of rebellion I suppose. 😳

At least your parents pay attention...

True. 😱 Hug?

 

[Neurosis]

If I'd really let them walk all over me, I'd have been married by now through their influence regardless of having grown up in the U.S. It's so complicated - they want me to be successful in something, but heavens forbid it takes some time pfft. I'm ranting and creating fluff now. The key is probably to just continue what I'm doing and let them suffer through their anxiety for a few more years. I'm hoping their restlessness will subside some once I enter med school. Props to being the rebellious one @ you, though. Wish I were like that, but not caving into their traditions can be a subtle form of rebellion I suppose. 😳


True. 😱 Hug?

 

[Undecipherable]

This is a legitimate concern and can cause issues in a marriage, but this mode of thinking can also backfire on you. My aunt was the same way; she was attractive when she was young and she graduated from the best university. Consequently, she started earning a lot of money during a time when men were making much more than women on average. So she had the same thought process as you and did not deign to discuss any marriage prospects either since they weren't on her "level". Fast forward 40 years, she's 60 and still unmarried. All of her brothers and sisters have 2 or more children. She finally gets married to a dude that the rest of the family hates, a man who just divorced his wife and has two children. She's rich because she earned a ton of money for 40 years and never had to spend on anyone but herself (not including gifts and supporting her mother). But she tried to have children and nothing worked since she's too old now. I'm not saying that this will be you but there are many people who were too choosy and never grabbed a chance when they had many. Before you know it, it's too late.

If smart people like doctors don't get married and have children, we'll have idiots like snookie and kim kardashian running around because those are the people that procreate. Do it for society ^^

Yeap. Thanks for addressing this! I kind of wanted to see if anyone knew where I was coming from, and you do.

What happened to your aunt would be my family's worst nightmare even though I don't think it's so bad to never be married or procreate. However, I do think there is a time to do those things. My biggest issue with dating is that I living in the middle of freaking no where. It's why I'm banking on being admitted to a med school in a large city so I can meet other desis. I get random "prospects" from afar through friends of my family but, as I've said before, I'm not interested in people who didn't go past high school and have taken over their parents' gas stations/hotels.

Lol @ the last paragraph, though.

 

[Political]

If smart people like doctors don't get married and have children, we'll have idiots like snookie and kim kardashian running around because those are the people that procreate. Do it for society ^^

^ so true...

I can kinda see where your are, im brown too, and what i notice in mine and other brown/desi families is that compulsive drive for parents to marry off their children as well as that need for their children to be a cut above the rest at the same time. Its sort of a double bind really; in order to be a more knowledgeable or special person you need alot of education which can take upwards of 5-6 years, while at the same time the very aspect of marrying young sort of takes away that ability to pursue higher education since you need to start providing, if you follow either route you still disappoint your parents :/

I dont know any other advice other than telling your parents upfront about which route you are gonna take in your life, because either way they will be disappointed no matter what

 

[Stumpyman]

My parents are indian, but they both graduated from US colleges, so they're not extremely traditional, but yeah there is this thing about indian parents always wanting to do things "early." I mean, why? Well anyways, you should probably just explain to them and give them a timeline.

 

[paul411]

I understand this. I grew up in a Jewish family so I know how some of this family crap goes. I just cannot understand how people who are essentially adults get walked all over/controlled by their parents. My parents stopped with their crap as soon as I turned 18...mainly because they knew I wouldnt really give a ish what they said.

For some reason, the vast majority of Asians (?) just can't think like that. It's probably because they are brought up in a culture where individuality is secondary to familial ties.

 

[Morsetlis]

No wonder you guys are weird. 😀

 

[paul411]

No wonder you guys are weird. 😀

However, I do think the times are a-changin'; Newly realized economic independence and increased exposure to Western culture is allowing the current generation of younger people to break out of the social cages imposed by tradition. But I guess OP isn't one of the lucky ones to be saved by these developments 😛

 

[Stumpyman]

However, I do think the times are a-changin'; Newly realized economic independence and increased exposure to Western culture is allowing the current generation of younger people to break out of the social cages imposed by tradition. But I guess OP isn't one of the lucky ones to be saved by these developments 😛

2nd generation Americans (parents born in US) are practically 'Mericans. There's still a lot of family involvement in the children's lives though, but it's not very overbearing.

 

[alwaysaangel]

As others have said - do be careful about how picky you are when you do find time to date. It would be a shame to end up alone because you never let yourself explore whats out there.

So far you've said you want a non-desi (no clue what that is but I'm guessing you're limiting yourself ethnically), you also want someone who is as educated as you (and if you go to medical school you are about to put yourself in the 98th percentile of education). If you're like many women you will want someone who actually makes more money than you (again difficult as MD puts you in the 97-99th percentile of income). You may want someone taller than you, with a nice car, who dresses in armani, etc, etc, etc

I've watched plenty of my med school friends tack on so many rules that they never date anyone. I understand wanting someone with drive and education, but don't be rigid. Be somewhat open and don't attach a bunch of rules to who you will and won't date. Another thing I see med school women do is over value their own attractiveness - and no I'm not being mean (before I get flamed I'm a female, I'm just be practical) - but seriously women who are overweight and 5-6 attractiveness expecting 10s to date them and being completely offended if anyone tries to fix them up with anything less than the hundred sexiest men in the US.

I'm not saying you shouldn't find someone you get along with and find attractive - but a lot of med school girls are neurotic and create all these criteria for men they will date. Well after 4 years of undergrad and 4 years of med school a bunch of them are in their late 20s, in residency and alone with no time to date. Whats worse is that they've never been in a serious relationship so on the rare occasion they do find someone to date - they don't even know what they really want in a relationship.

 

[Ignatius M.D.]

For some reason, the vast majority of Asians (?) just can't think like that. It's probably because they are brought up in a culture where individuality is secondary to familial ties.

^This.

 

[phltz]

This is much more easily said than done, but I think you need to live your life, and spend less time and energy thinking about what your parents think. When you meet a young man you like, go out on a date with him. If it goes somewhere, great, if not, it should at least give you a chance to learn more about what you want and need in a relationship.

Indian culture makes this hard, but it is not impossible. I have Indian friends (born and lived in India through the end of grad school) in love marriages that their parents did not originally approve of. Wrong village/caste or something like that. It was tough, and there was a lot of family strain. Once there were gradchildren, the parents came around. Who can resist a cute little grandson? Not many people.

I'm not saying you need to walk out on your parents, or have a climactic showdown with them where you tell them to **** off. I just want you to believe in yourself a bit more. You can be the author of your own destiny. Take small steps in your daily life to live as though this is true, and soon it will be.

Two final pieces of practical advice. 1) Like others have said, sit down with your parents and walk them through the timelines of becoming a doctor in the US. College, medical school, residency, possible fellowship, etc. Explain how long each step takes, and something about what it means (i.e., as a resident you are, in fact, a doctor, but not yet fully qualified to treat patients on your own. You will earn a modest to decent salary, but be severely overworked). Once they see the big picture, maybe you'll get fewer questions demanding to know when you'll be a doctor already.

2) Also like others have said, don't place too many limitations on who you're willing to date/marry. Most women want a man who is at least as tall as they are. Because men are, on average, taller than women, most women are able to find such a man. Everyone is happy. Most women also seem to want a man who is at least as well educated, in at least as prestigious a job, and who makes at least as much money. Back when women generally had less education, poorer job prospects, and made less money, this was viable. Most women were able to find a man that fit these requirements. However, as women catch up to (and begin to surpass) men in education, it's starting to look impossible for every woman to have a man who is at least as educated as she is.

Now I'm not going to recommend that you consider dating the guys who pick up your garbage in the morning. But I think you should consider what your requirements really are, and then figure out just how narrow of a net you really need to cast. My guess is that your actual requirements are something like, "We should be able to talk to each other about our work, and our other interests. He should be able to come with me to a holiday party for my division at the hospital and fit in. He should be able to participate in conversations there, and no one should think he's an oddball or loser. He should understand the trajectory of my career, and be comfortable with the long hours I will work. His own career should be interesting, and he should have aspirations for where it's going." If those are your requirements, lots of men with less formal education and lower paying jobs should be on your radar screen. Just to go through some of my friends who I think could easily be a match for the right cute doctor, he could be an IT worker in the military, the director of a theater, a philosopher, historian, chef, an editor of scientific journals, a mechanical engineer, a business executive, an international aid worker, etc. He may or may not have a professional degree, or even any graduate training. But if he's right for you, then you shouldn't let his education level or socioeconomic status get in the way.