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- Feb 10, 2023
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This is a post-mortem analysis of what went wrong in the hopes that I can a) prevent others from suffering the same fate and b) keep myself honest and accountable. So here are the reasons in order why I will have to retake next August:
1) Poor attitude
During residency, I developed a major resentment toward training, medicine in general, and the ABIM. I went through a time where my hatred of the aforementioned clouded everything I did from studying to actual patient interaction. Despite this, I managed to obtain good reviews and did my best for the sake of the patient. I often thought that if patients knew how negatively I really viewed medicine, they would never want me as their physician. Regarding the ABIM, the constant refrain that would cycle through my mind was "I have a wife and family of my own with real-life, actual, adult responsibilities. I am utterly sick of studying and yet they still expect you to live your life like a med student and devote countless hours of exam prep when I had mouths to feed"
2) Poor, unaddressed mental health issues
There is no doubt I developed major depressive disorder and chronic insomnia during residency. I was also certainly burned out to a crisp. I did nothing to actively treat any of that. In fact, I did the opposite and allowed negativity to take root in my mind which is a problem I am still dealing with. I am now being treated for depression with CBT and it has been much better. I wish I had gotten help sooner.
3)Poor study plan
This is an important one. I basically tried to shotgun as many random questions as I could before the exam and thought that my existing knowledge base and test taking ability would suffice. I never failed a board exam and was always an adequate test taker. I went into ABIM with a false sense of confidence. That exam was HARD. It was like 240 questions of upper-tier UWorld questions. I did not read enough or structure my study strategy according to ABIM blueprint which I strongly suggest future test takers do. You have to have a 360 degree view of each topic to feel comfortable taking that exam. The breadth of the material is staggering
4)Logistical reasons
3 kids, new baby, new state, new job, first attending job. I placed this one last because if the 3 above items were in order, this probably would have only made things marginally more difficult. There is always someone in a more difficult circumstance than you who somehow found a way to make it work.
I am now in my first year of unsupervised practice as PCP with the additional weight of having to study for this exam all over again (not to mention pay for it.) I am reframing the situation in my mind as an extra opportunity to truly solidify the basics and prove myself as a competent internist. Already, I have applied the things I have read from Med Study to patient care with positive results. In the end, my resistance toward the process, hating and fighting it every step of the way was the reason for my ultimate ruin. I hope this can spare someone the same outcome or at least minimize the sufferings that come with our chosen path.
1) Poor attitude
During residency, I developed a major resentment toward training, medicine in general, and the ABIM. I went through a time where my hatred of the aforementioned clouded everything I did from studying to actual patient interaction. Despite this, I managed to obtain good reviews and did my best for the sake of the patient. I often thought that if patients knew how negatively I really viewed medicine, they would never want me as their physician. Regarding the ABIM, the constant refrain that would cycle through my mind was "I have a wife and family of my own with real-life, actual, adult responsibilities. I am utterly sick of studying and yet they still expect you to live your life like a med student and devote countless hours of exam prep when I had mouths to feed"
2) Poor, unaddressed mental health issues
There is no doubt I developed major depressive disorder and chronic insomnia during residency. I was also certainly burned out to a crisp. I did nothing to actively treat any of that. In fact, I did the opposite and allowed negativity to take root in my mind which is a problem I am still dealing with. I am now being treated for depression with CBT and it has been much better. I wish I had gotten help sooner.
3)Poor study plan
This is an important one. I basically tried to shotgun as many random questions as I could before the exam and thought that my existing knowledge base and test taking ability would suffice. I never failed a board exam and was always an adequate test taker. I went into ABIM with a false sense of confidence. That exam was HARD. It was like 240 questions of upper-tier UWorld questions. I did not read enough or structure my study strategy according to ABIM blueprint which I strongly suggest future test takers do. You have to have a 360 degree view of each topic to feel comfortable taking that exam. The breadth of the material is staggering
4)Logistical reasons
3 kids, new baby, new state, new job, first attending job. I placed this one last because if the 3 above items were in order, this probably would have only made things marginally more difficult. There is always someone in a more difficult circumstance than you who somehow found a way to make it work.
I am now in my first year of unsupervised practice as PCP with the additional weight of having to study for this exam all over again (not to mention pay for it.) I am reframing the situation in my mind as an extra opportunity to truly solidify the basics and prove myself as a competent internist. Already, I have applied the things I have read from Med Study to patient care with positive results. In the end, my resistance toward the process, hating and fighting it every step of the way was the reason for my ultimate ruin. I hope this can spare someone the same outcome or at least minimize the sufferings that come with our chosen path.
