Family Life?

[Sandlot13]

Okay, so the further I get in this application process, the more I start to think about the future. I am really excited about the idea of learning and practicing medicine, but I also what to be a "good" husband and father at some point too. It seems that I see so many horror stories of how relationships fall apart under the pressure of medical school or the hours that doctors have to work causing divorces quite regularly.

I guess basically what im asking is for some bright light, some people to show me that it is possible and I can have that while also being a physician. Or, i guess you could tell me to start applying to Physical therapy school soon, haha.....

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[JaggerPlate]

Okay, so the further I get in this application process, the more I start to think about the future. I am really excited about the idea of learning and practicing medicine, but I also what to be a "good" husband and father at some point too. It seems that I see so many horror stories of how relationships fall apart under the pressure of medical school or the hours that doctors have to work causing divorces quite regularly.

I guess basically what im asking is for some bright light, some people to show me that it is possible and I can have that while also being a physician. Or, i guess you could tell me to start applying to Physical therapy school soon, haha.....

These are pre-med forums ... none of us really have any idea what balancing life is like as an attending physician (though that usually doesn't stop a pre-med from answering). Might have better luck in lounge or even Osteo forums.

 

[illusenjester]

All the doctors I've known had children and were in happy (from what I could tell) married relationships.
I think the process in becoming a physician is going to be "personal hell", meaning that everything you eat, breathe, and sleep will be only relating to your medical studies and you will therefore will not have the time you once had to spend as your own. Once you DO become a full fledged physician for a while and are used to working, I'd say then would be the time to have a family. You've at that point reached the time where you've accomplished medical school, internship/residency, so now you can at least have some say in what your tolerance for work hours are as a physician...
Actually it really depends on what your specialties you're targeting, if you're going to be a surgeon then I'd say it's a little more extreme...
x0x0

 

[RySerr21]

All the doctors I've known had children and were in happy (from what I could tell) married relationships.
I think the process in becoming a physician is going to be "personal hell", meaning that everything you eat, breathe, and sleep will be only relating to your medical studies and you will therefore will not have the time you once had to spend as your own. Once you DO become a full fledged physician for a while and are used to working, I'd say then would be the time to have a family. You've at that point reached the time where you've accomplished medical school, internship/residency, so now you can at least have some say in what your tolerance for work hours are as a physician...
Actually it really depends on what your specialties you're targeting, if you're going to be a surgeon then I'd say it's a little more extreme...
x0x0

talking to the medical students thus far this cycle....even this is a little extreme. Of course you work your ass of and study long hours, but med school doesn't have to take over EVERYTHING. You find ways to fit in a select few acitivites that you enjoy and that help keep you sane throughout the years of "personal hell." In fact ive been told you have to something else, whether it be a wife, or a hobby, or a dog, or whatever. I guess i'll find out soon enough (hopefully). I can't wait

 

[AMEHigh]

I'm married and we hope to have kids in the next 10 or so years so I definitely know how you're feeling. I've heard from several doctors and students that one of the most important things is to have a supportive spouse. Whether or not you're a "good" spouse depends on how the other spouse views what you're doing. In other words you could spend a million hours with your family, but your spouse might not think that's enough. Or you could spend 1 hour with your family and they might think that's just fine.

Communication and setting expectations are 2 really important things that I think help. The reality is, physician's don't always have the ideal schedule, but if you have a spouse and family that's understanding, it makes it a million times better.

 

[papillon2]

talking to the medical students thus far this cycle....even this is a little extreme. Of course you work your ass of and study long hours, but med school doesn't have to take over EVERYTHING. You find ways to fit in a select few acitivites that you enjoy and that help keep you sane throughout the years of "personal hell." In fact ive been told you have to something else, whether it be a wife, or a hobby, or a dog, or whatever. I guess i'll find out soon enough (hopefully). I can't wait

Um, yeah it pretty much does....

OK so there is time for your personal life - but it is minimal. Depending on where you go to school, what is expected of you everyday, and how much you care to get good grades; you will soon figure out that free time is difficult to find. This also depends on how efficient you are. If you want to watch a sports game and try to study anatomy at the same time (i know some people that try to do this) you aren't going to study well and it will take 3 times as long. I promise that most of you will find a balance, but the first two months is a struggle between adjusting to your new life and maintaining sanity.

 

[scpod]

All the doctors I've known had children and were in happy (from what I could tell) married relationships.

This subject came up in the doctor's lounge at our hospital the other day. Only one of the ten docs present was in a happy first marriage. The others were divorced (at least once) or in the process of it. Divorce is pretty common for physicians. In addition, three students from my school (that I know of) got divorced last year-- and they aren't even doctors yet. Medical school, and medicine in general, can take a big toll on your family life. Few people truly understand how hard it can be until they actually go through it.

 

[Vee]

I'm a second year at NYCOM.

My then-boyfriend (now-fiance ) moved to NY with me right before I started school and we got engaged towards the end of first year. We're getting married in April. Despite the rigors of medical school, our relationship has flourished. I have plenty of time to study, review for boards, hang out with my fiance and friends, travel to MA to see family AND plan a wedding long distance.

It can be done, it just takes effort.

 

[stonewall22]

Okay, so the further I get in this application process, the more I start to think about the future. I am really excited about the idea of learning and practicing medicine, but I also what to be a "good" husband and father at some point too. It seems that I see so many horror stories of how relationships fall apart under the pressure of medical school or the hours that doctors have to work causing divorces quite regularly.

I guess basically what im asking is for some bright light, some people to show me that it is possible and I can have that while also being a physician. Or, i guess you could tell me to start applying to Physical therapy school soon, haha.....

I can't speak to the rigors of medical school, but I have an uncle (OB/Gyn) with four kids, one of which has special needs. He spends A LOT of time with them, and vacations a couple times a year. In speaking with him (about your same question) he explained to me a couple things he did to have more time: set practice up in a hospital (they handle billing, paying nurses, etc.), good and reliable partners, and live near the hospital. When he's on call (1:3), he has busy times and slow times. Living near the hospital has made it so he can leave for a delivery and be back in less than an hour, assuming no complications. Anyway, best of luck.

 

[illusenjester]

So they were divorced because of the life medicine made them?
Maybe it was how the doctors I was talking about were all pediatrics and in their mid-40's, these people generally seem happier than other doctors...(judging from the stories on here, never got the chance to really look at any other doctors besides pediatrics)
x0x0

 

[WVPanther]

Speaking as a medical school student in a long distance relationship, you can have meaningful relationships while in medical school, but it takes work and committment. There are student doctors in my class who have wives, and who have children. In fact the guy next to me on the anatomy table had a baby last week. Your ability to absorb material quickly buys you time. You'll find time is by far your most valuable resource as a medical school student, and really as a physician as well. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but you develop incredible time management and infomation filtering abilities to allow you to do what you need to do.

I'm also the son of a physician who had two marriages end in divorce. The first marriage began right before medical school and ended his third year of medical school. Physical seperation and jumping in to the relationship way too early led to that divorce. The second relationship / marriage lasted seventeen years. Did the time invested in his practice kill his relationship? I will note that his time was much more limited in residency than it was in his practice. While time was a complaint of his wife in his second marriage, she was more concerned with the image of infidelity. Doctors, for better or for worse, are highly sought after mates and are alluring by most standards. The result is Doctors have to be more disciplined in not only chosing fidelity, but also presenting an image of it to their spouses. The baby boomers and this generation don't put the same discipline into fidelity that generations past did, again for better or for worse. Nurses, patients, and collegues gossip. Spouses who can't spend as much time with their mate because that mate is at work for longer hours can have their mind wonder. That kind of goes back to mate selection. The physician I know is active in sports, aviation, travel, politics, farming, and his family. So you can have a life too =).

As for raising children, I personally wouldn't trade my father for anyone. Early on I saw less time with him, but now he has become my most trusted confident and best advisor. In medical school, I'm able to meeting with him for dinner once or twice a week. He's been able to provide me with opportunities that I wouldn't have had elsewhere ranging from foreign travel, to avoiding debt, to just being a regular dad. If I'm in a tribulation, he makes time for me, and his family.

So yes it's very possible to have a family.

I hope that is somewhat helpful.

 

[Kateb4]

Well, I only have a couple of months experience, but I have a husband and kids and have had time to spend with them. I know that I am sacrificing some of my study time, and I probably won't be at the top of my class, but you can have a relationship and still succeed in med school. Probably not the most ideal situation to have little kids while in school, but many people have done it and many more will.

 

[johnniewalker11]

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[stonewall22]

I guess I would add the obvious too...most (obviously not all) marriages fail because of selfishness by one spouse of the other. Strong marriages require A LOT of work...I didn't truly understand how much effort it requires. This is hard whether you're a doctor, a nurse, or a teacher. If you and your spouse are loyal and committed to each other, and are more concerned about the well-being and happiness of your spouse than yourself, I'm convinced you can make anything work, and not just work, but be good and enjoyable.

My parents made very little money and have 7 kids. At one point in time my Dad was working three jobs and going to school. Although my Dad was very busy, I never felt like I was second fiddle to anything, except maybe my Mom . They're still married and happy with all their kids grown, and we all have great relationships with both my parents. It can work.

 

[Chocolate Bear]

I hope that is somewhat helpful.

Very. Thank you.

 

[tideleonheart]

I'm married and a OMS-I at VCOM. So far, it has been a mix - sometimes it is perfectly fine and sometimes it is tough. As far as divorce rates go, I think a lot of it is how committed you are to making it work and last. If I could offer some tips, they would be:

-Don't talk about med school all the time. Yeah, it consumes your life, but for the sake of your spouse, try to have a few other things you talk about / enjoy.

-Encourage your spouse to be independent and find friends outside of med school. Encourage her/him to find other spouces of people in school.

-Have a friend or two on the "outside world." It'll help you and your spouse escape.

-Set aside a specific time every week for a "date night" where you promise to completely put the books away and dedicate all your attention to your spouse.

-Stay physically active. It's just good for your mind and body.

-Communicate! It can be nerve wracking to a spouse to know their husband is doing OMM on other people... be open, don't do anything stupid, and be professional.

-Know your priorities - which is more important: an A instead of a C... or your marriage? (I bet a lot of med students would pick the A, honestly)

Once again, it's tough but it is very possible. Both of you should be aware of the stresses that you're going to experience. I'd be totally willing to talk more privately about it if you want - just PM me.

 

[saylorsdad]

One thing I have read, not sure where is that you need to narrow your friends outside of med school. For me that will entail my wife and two or three lifelong friends.
Someone else already posted the idea of date night.
As for being a father, lets assume you're spending 90 hours a week busy with school that leaves ~11 hours per day not studying 7 of which will be spent sleeping so you'll have 3 or 4 hours per day of family time. Doesn't seem like much, but that's more than I get now as a teacher working part time mowing lawns. My theory on why divorce rate is so high for doctors is it's high for everyone else to, you're just looking at a smaller "possibly more public" sector of society. My wife and I have been happily married for ten years with 2 kids. We understand it will suck, but we're willing to give it a try. After all 4 years will pass before you know it.

 

[Vee]

One thing I have read, not sure where is that you need to narrow your friends outside of med school. For me that will entail my wife and two or three lifelong friends.
Someone else already posted the idea of date night.
As for being a father, lets assume you're spending 90 hours a week busy with school that leaves ~11 hours per day not studying 7 of which will be spent sleeping so you'll have 3 or 4 hours per day of family time. Doesn't seem like much, but that's more than I get now as a teacher working part time mowing lawns. My theory on why divorce rate is so high for doctors is it's high for everyone else to, you're just looking at a smaller "possibly more public" sector of society. My wife and I have been happily married for ten years with 2 kids. We understand it will suck, but we're willing to give it a try. After all 4 years will pass before you know it.

residency will be just as, if not more, time consuming as medical school. i know interns who work a ton (longer days than we have as students) and then have to go home and study for hours more. 7,8,9,10+ years will fly right by.

 

[Sandlot13]

wow, all of these responses are awesome, thank you guys so much! its just so overwhelming sometimes and you dont want to sacrifice those that are most important to you