Family or Family Medicine?

[mamagir]

Hello everyone, I am in a dilema with finalizing my ROL and would like to get your thoughts on my my situation. I am interested in Family Medicine but I only got two interviews and both programs are out of state. I also have 6 Internal Medicine programs on my list, two of which are closer to home. Unfortunately, these two programs would ideally be at the bottom of my IM list if not for the Location advantage. I have two kids, my spouse has no plans of moving(job, school) and says if I end up having to move for residency, he 'll keep them and get a nanny but I really don't know how that is going to work out. I guess my question is should I settle for the less than ideal IM programs to try and keep our family together or pursue my real interest, Family medicine?
I know at the end of the day, the decision is really mine, but I just wanted to hear other people's opinion.

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[Bitterman]

I know at the end of the day, the decision is really mine, but I just wanted to hear other people's opinion.

You said it, no one here can tell you what is more valuable to you, only you know the answer to that.

If it were me, I think I'd end up staying with my kids, but I'd never know until I'm in your shoes.

Good luck with whatever you end up choosing and I hope everything works out well.

 

[jcu]

To echo Bitterman, this is impossible to objectively answer. How "out of state" are the FM programs? Would you be able to commute home on weekends?

 

[mamagir]

To echo Bitterman, this is impossible to objectively answer. How "out of state" are the FM programs? Would you be able to commute home on weekends?

Yeah I know it is, who am I kidding eh? I just thought putting it down here may somehow make it easier for me to decide. To answer your question, they are way out of state..one is a 15hour drive and the other is 9hrs away.

You said it, no one here can tell you what is more valuable to you, only you know the answer to that.

If it were me, I think I'd end up staying with my kids, but I'd never know until I'm in your shoes.

Good luck with whatever you end up choosing and I hope everything works out well.

Thanks! I will probably rank the local IM programs on top, giving myself till the end of the day to make up my mind. My kids are def. more valuable to me, just wish I could have it both *sigh*

 

[Buzz Me]

As you alluded to, it all depends on YOUR priorities - what's more important to you, staying close to family, or pursuing a more desirable residency?

What does your husband think?

 

[umz]

Is your husband's situation that good that he can't consider moving?

 

[acs204]

Is your husband's situation that good that he can't consider moving?

I know finding a new job is hard, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to try. I always thought it should be understood that if you are in a serious relationship with a med student that there is a good possibility you will have to move for residency.

 

[gutonc]

I know finding a new job is hard, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to try. I always thought it should be understood that if you are in a serious relationship with a med student that there is a good possibility you will have to move for residency.

This.

Unless your spouse is an elected local/regional/state government official (or in the military, in which case being apart for large chunks of time is the norm), there is no job that can only be done in a single location. There are certainly jobs that are easier to get/more lucrative in one place than another. But this attitude of "my spouse (almost always a husband BTW) can't move because of his/her job is BS. Get another damn job.

I'll be the first to admit that most med students and their partners/spouses don't really know what they're signing up for on day 1 of med school (I certainly didn't and I know my wife didnt). But that's the whole thing about a marriage (and marriage-ish relationships), you roll with the punches for each other and do what's best for the plural "you."

Having said all that, I'm not in your relationship, and only you and your spouse can really make this decision.

 

[mamagir]

Thanks for the reply everyone. I have decided to try and stay close to home. Yeah you all got it right in that he doesn't even want to try to move. He could probably find another Job but he also just started graduate school. At least, if I do eventually end up having to move for residency, he is willing to keep the kids with him. I do hope it doesn't come to that.

Good luck with everyone's Match result. I hope we all get our desired residencies!

 

[umz]

Thanks for the reply everyone. I have decided to try and stay close to home. Yeah you all got it right in that he doesn't even want to try to move. He could probably find another Job but he also just started graduate school. At least, if I do eventually end up having to move for residency, he is willing to keep the kids with him. I do hope it doesn't come to that.

Good luck with everyone's Match result. I hope we all get our desired residencies!

I'm sorry.
Maybe if you match elsewhere, he'll reconsider. Good luck.

 

[mamagir]

Well people, it looks like all that heart ache was for nothing! I didn't even end up in the close to home IM programs that I thought were crappy, nor did I match in my beloved FM programs. I continue to be mystified by my UN-competitiveness for FM( story for another day or maybe not).

I ended up in my 5th rank which is an IM program that I did like but it's so far off from home. Is this doable? Will I make it? Are there single moms with kids in residency? I am an IMG, I have no extended Family in the states. My mum will be here in the beginning but then she has to get back to her life.

I don't know why my spouse won't even give it a thought to move, he is not even trying. It's so ironic that he complains about his current Job all the time but won't give it up. I mean it pays significantly more than what I am going to get from residency but I am sure we can survive. I moved to the States for him, why can't he move within the States for me?

I guess I should stop here before airing all my laundry in a public forum. I just wanna know if there is anyone out there to give me a ray of hope that things will work out?

 

[gutonc]

Well people, it looks like all that heart ache was for nothing! I didn't even end up in the close to home IM programs that I thought were crappy, nor did I match in my beloved FM programs. I continue to be mystified by my UN-competitiveness for FM( story for another day or maybe not).

I ended up in my 5th rank which is an IM program that I did like but it's so far off from home. Is this doable? Will I make it? Are there single moms with kids in residency? I am an IMG, I have no extended Family in the states. My mum will be here in the beginning but then she has to get back to her life.

I don't know why my spouse won't even give it a thought to move, he is not even trying. It's so ironic that he complains about his current Job all the time but won't give it up. I mean it pays significantly more than what I am going to get from residency but I am sure we can survive. I moved to the States for him, why can't he move within the States for me?

I guess I should stop here before airing all my laundry in a public forum. I just wanna know if there is anyone out there to give me a ray of hope that things will work out?

Congrats on having matched. Sorry things are otherwise not going so hot. I have only one piece of advice at this point.

DTMFA.

 

[SanDiegoMD]

Congrats on having matched. Sorry things are otherwise not going so hot. I have only one piece of advice at this point.

DTMFA.

Yes, that.^

 

[mamagir]

Congrats on having matched. Sorry things are otherwise not going so hot. I have only one piece of advice at this point.

DTMFA.

Yes, that.^

Oh well, I did come here to moan, so I guess I'm up for any advice I get. And just for clarification by "ray of hope things will work out" I meant surviving residency + kids staying with me.

 

[Law2Doc]

Oh well, I did come here to moan, so I guess I'm up for any advice I get. And just for clarification by "ray of hope things will work out" I meant surviving residency + kids staying with me.

Be realistic. As an IM intern you are probably going to be working 65-75 hours per week with periodic overnight calls and night float. You can't be the sole person caring for kids. Ive known plenty of folks in that setting who had difficulty finding time to care for pets in that situation. Unless you have a family member willing to move in and assume the lions share of the parenting duties or plan to hire a full time live in nanny/ aupaire (expensive), it probably makes sense to leave the kids with the husband.

 

[mamagir]

Be realistic. As an IM intern you are probably going to be working 65-75 hours per week with periodic overnight calls and night float. You can't be the sole person caring for kids. Ive known plenty of folks in that setting who had difficulty finding time to care for pets in that situation. Unless you have a family member willing to move in and assume the lions share of the parenting duties or plan to hire a full time live in nanny/ aupaire (expensive), it probably makes sense to leave the kids with the husband.

These are my thoughts exactly. I don't know why people around me are thinking that's not such a great idea, like what kind of mom am I to think of leaving my kids. I guess they don't really understand what residency is going to be like. It's been hard telling everyone the news as they almost always follow up with the question; so what are you going to do?

Right now, I am swaying between the two options of 1. getting a Nanny or 2. Leaving them with him.

On an aside, does anyone have any experience with swap a resident? How do PDs look at this? Only thinking about this fleetingly, I am so thankful to have this position, don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

 

[peppy]

I don't know why people around me are thinking that's not such a great idea, like what kind of mom am I to think of leaving my kids. I guess they don't really understand what residency is going to be like.

Yeah, I think those people don't really understand the situation. Realistically, even if you were living with the kids during residency, you probably couldn't be there for them during residency as much as you'd like to be. You're not a bad mom for trying to make the best of this situation so that the whole family can have a better life later.

 

[umz]

These are my thoughts exactly. I don't know why people around me are thinking that's not such a great idea, like what kind of mom am I to think of leaving my kids. I guess they don't really understand what residency is going to be like. It's been hard telling everyone the news as they almost always follow up with the question; so what are you going to do?

Right now, I am swaying between the two options of 1. getting a Nanny or 2. Leaving them with him.

On an aside, does anyone have any experience with swap a resident? How do PDs look at this? Only thinking about this fleetingly, I am so thankful to have this position, don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

In general, I am always for being selfish in these situations. That can mean a number of things. If you don't really care about working or your career, and you're more concerned about your family life, then "being selfish" means putting career ambitions to the side so that you can enjoy your family role. However, you may love your family, but have a drive to be a physician / want a fulfilling career / etc, and in this case, being selfish may mean choosing to move away for residency for three years.

If you have a desire to finish your medical training, which it seems that you do, then you should. In the end, you will have the career of your choice and a pretty good job with which to support your family. And, if worse comes to worst and your marriage does not last, you will have no regrets about not finishing training...plus you'll be in the position to support yourself and your kids financially.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

Be very careful about a solution with "a nanny". Your childcare solution has to never fail. You'll probably be taking overnight call, so you'll need someone who will work nights. They'll also need to work weekends on a regular basis (since you will be doing so). What are you going to do if your nanny "calls in sick", or worse quits on you. I can guarantee you that the excuse that "I don't have anyone to take care of my kids" will not be acceptable as a reason not to be at work.

If you decide to have a nanny, you need to get a very flexible and understanding person who is willing to care for your kids at irregular hours. You'll also need a backup plan, and a backup to the backup.