I want to do hem/onc. Don't get me wrong though. I impress myself everyday. Never thought I would save someone from a heart attack, perforation, PE or catch a pneumothorax. Treating sepsis of all kinds is cool too. Hell, sometimes doing something as simple as giving liquids to treat a tachycardia brings a smile to my face.
Just that, I dont feel like there is really anyone that understands this. I feel like the negatives are looked at far more than the positives and I get that that's to help me improve. But if the negatives are looked at all the time, then I get burned out and my motivation dies.
I hate to say this, but this is residency, especially in an inpatient heavy program. It sucks. You're not doing anything wrong, except maybe that rather than spend the non-required time relaxing or doing something you enjoy, you're doing research you don't care about.
I agree with others that counseling may be helpful, if only to vent and decompress, not necessarily to "fix" something. Nothing is broken. The thing that needs to be solved in completing residency, and you'll get there.
Having family and friends to decompress with is helpful, and not having them can make it hard to remember your goals and motivation for doing something. One thing I've always focused on that has gotten me through is making small goals. You just need to get through this week, this block, this year. You can do anything for a week or a month. In 14 mos you're gonna be done. You can do this.
Another thing that I like to do is look ahead, think about the type of job you want, the type of house you want, the state you want to live in. Making some of those plans (regardless of whether they change), can sometimes help feeling that drive. Having something specific to visualize or focus on in the future might be a motivator. Just don't make it too specific, because it will change.
Residency sucks. Sounds like you will get through. Forget about all the details and focus on survival with your sanity intact.
This. Find things you enjoy and do that instead of the research.
Once you are through, you are an attending! You can take a year and work as a hospitalist. You can pursue your fellowship. You can complete your research. You can work in primary care. You can pay off your loans and bail out of medicine. You can work locums and travel the world. You can work part time. Just thinking about all the options might make you feel better.
