Feeling defeated and behind

[Latteandaprayer]

I am an M1 and I'm feeling beyond defeated. I feel so behind everyone else. I came in as an MSTP, but I've since realized this program isn't for me. I love research and want it to be a part of my career, but not most of my career, and I'm not in love with the idea of spending 4-6 years getting a PhD that I plan on using anymore. I feel like a failure for dropping the PhD.

I'm pretty much the only person in my class not involved in any clubs/opportunities through the school. Everyone seems involved in something. I am not, at all. I literally just watch lectures, study, and enjoy my hobbies (watching movies, going to the gym), and hang out with my boyfriend. Everyone is involved in something like a clinical reasoning elective where they get paired with a physician and get to basically shadow them. I didn’t sign up because I figured I’d have my PhD years to do it (it’s still an option for those years). It’s too late now, and next year I’m on the wards so I won’t really have this opportunity again. Everyone is involved in something worthwhile, like research or public policy. Again, I didn’t sign up because I assumed I would get a PhD. I’m just feeling soooo behind.

I feel like I'll be treated as a fraud by residencies when they see I dropped the PhD. Especially if I say I'm interested in research. I feel like my ERAS is going to be empty, or just has 1-2 activities. With Step 1 being p/f, I'm feeling extremely pressured to do things to standout, but I'm honestly feeling worthless.

I have a therapist but she can't give me much advice in this realm. I talked to my counselor and he gave me a generic "It's hard being a med student" spiel.

What do I do from here.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[mistafab]

It may seem like a big deal, but it is not a big deal.

Plenty of people drop out of the phd. Doesnt mean you dont like research. MSTP trains career research scientists so of course some people find out that’s not them. 4-6 years is no joke, you’re not a failure for stepping away from that path. You‘ll be a regular old MD just like most others, and will enjoy all the freedom to do clinical work, and research (if you want to).

On the extracurricular point. It literally doesnt matter at all. You are getting fomo but you can still do anything you want. Having hobbies like the gym is great. ECs in med school are there just in case you are interested in them and to connect with others. It isnt a scoreboard you need to get points on.

Feeling like a failure is something you can work on through therapy. best of luck

 

[TelemarketingEnigma]

OP, you've posted several threads on this theme over the past few months. You've mentioned already doing therapy - they can't tell you how to spend your time, but hopefully you can talk with them about feelings of self worth, etc. Otherwise, you basically have two options - a) get involved in stuff so you don't feel left out (I promise it's not too late!) or b) realize that spending time just doing your hobbies and getting along in school is FINE and GOOD and you don't need to do everything your classmates do. I don't know that posting repeated threads on SDN is going to get you any new advice or reassurance.

 

[FutureSurgical]

I am an M1 and I'm feeling beyond defeated. I feel so behind everyone else. I came in as an MSTP, but I've since realized this program isn't for me. I love research and want it to be a part of my career, but not most of my career, and I'm not in love with the idea of spending 4-6 years getting a PhD that I plan on using anymore. I feel like a failure for dropping the PhD.

I'm pretty much the only person in my class not involved in any clubs/opportunities through the school. Everyone seems involved in something. I am not, at all. I literally just watch lectures, study, and enjoy my hobbies (watching movies, going to the gym), and hang out with my boyfriend. Everyone is involved in something like a clinical reasoning elective where they get paired with a physician and get to basically shadow them. I didn’t sign up because I figured I’d have my PhD years to do it (it’s still an option for those years). It’s too late now, and next year I’m on the wards so I won’t really have this opportunity again. Everyone is involved in something worthwhile, like research or public policy. Again, I didn’t sign up because I assumed I would get a PhD. I’m just feeling soooo behind.

I feel like I'll be treated as a fraud by residencies when they see I dropped the PhD. Especially if I say I'm interested in research. I feel like my ERAS is going to be empty, or just has 1-2 activities. With Step 1 being p/f, I'm feeling extremely pressured to do things to standout, but I'm honestly feeling worthless.

I have a therapist but she can't give me much advice in this realm. I talked to my counselor and he gave me a generic "It's hard being a med student" spiel.

What do I do from here.

I personally know three people who dropped the PhD to just get an MD. It wasn't a big deal; they were even in a program that pays for the MD portion too. They don't owe the money back.

Drop out of the PhD. You have a ton of time to get involved with things - even if it's just one research project.

 

[OraclePL]

This really is not a big deal. You’re building it up in your mind but nobody’s going to look at you as a failure for this. Speaking as someone who sat on residency selection committees in the past. You’re fine. If you see an extracurricular that interests you, by all means go for it. You don’t have to compare yourself to everyone around you, everyone has a different path. Those paths still lead to being a successful doctor.

having hobbies and hanging out with your significant other is a good thing, it brings balance to your life. Some med students probably need more balance and could learn from you.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

From what I’ve heard, clubs/activities are a very very small component of residency application success. It’s not like medical school apps. Get involved if you’re interested in the clubs but I don’t think you’re too far behind or if at all

 

[operaman]

I don’t think this makes you look bad at all. Sure, you’re going to have a hard time convincing programs that your life goal is academic medicine with a fully funded lab, but 95% of docs never do that anyhow. Residencies mainly care that you can and will do some research and yes they will want an explanation, but few will fault you for foregoing 4-6 years of extra school. I mean, you forfeit the full scholarship which is huge so clearly your heart just wasn’t in it anyhow and you’d rather focus on clinical medicine.

You’re definitely not behind clinically or in terms of ECs. Research is the only thing that actually matters. If you find something quantifiable that aligns with your interest (like maybe enter a race or some kind of competition) you could list that on your cv. It’s not like pre Med days but it is nice to have some things written down that show who you are and what you do with your time. And you’ll naturally get more involved with a couple interest groups as you firm up your specialty choices, and likely end up doing some things through that. I had a number of random volunteer things that came from ENT related activities like community cancer screenings and whatnot. You’ll find something similar too - it just sorta happens and gives you face time with letter writers too.

 

[deleted1100659]

I am an M1 and I'm feeling beyond defeated. I feel so behind everyone else. I came in as an MSTP, but I've since realized this program isn't for me. I love research and want it to be a part of my career, but not most of my career, and I'm not in love with the idea of spending 4-6 years getting a PhD that I plan on using anymore. I feel like a failure for dropping the PhD.

I'm pretty much the only person in my class not involved in any clubs/opportunities through the school. Everyone seems involved in something. I am not, at all. I literally just watch lectures, study, and enjoy my hobbies (watching movies, going to the gym), and hang out with my boyfriend. Everyone is involved in something like a clinical reasoning elective where they get paired with a physician and get to basically shadow them. I didn’t sign up because I figured I’d have my PhD years to do it (it’s still an option for those years). It’s too late now, and next year I’m on the wards so I won’t really have this opportunity again. Everyone is involved in something worthwhile, like research or public policy. Again, I didn’t sign up because I assumed I would get a PhD. I’m just feeling soooo behind.

I feel like I'll be treated as a fraud by residencies when they see I dropped the PhD. Especially if I say I'm interested in research. I feel like my ERAS is going to be empty, or just has 1-2 activities. With Step 1 being p/f, I'm feeling extremely pressured to do things to standout, but I'm honestly feeling worthless.

I have a therapist but she can't give me much advice in this realm. I talked to my counselor and he gave me a generic "It's hard being a med student" spiel.

What do I do from here.

while in residency, I was on the committee that chose who to interview/how to rank people

no one on the committee would have even been remotely bothered by this.

 

[Candidate2017]

You have time to enjoy movies, work out and hang with your sig other, while in med school? You are also cutting 4-6 years off your schooling by dropping a useless PhD? Winning. Definitely winning.