Jun 20, 2013
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I started dating a guy long distance a couple of months before I got off the waitlist for med school. I really like this guy a lot. When I got off the waitlist and decided to go to medical school, he had serious doubts about whether our relationship would be sustainable in the long run and whether I could have kids before I'm 30 (graduating med school at 28). He broke up with me earlier this week and I am freaking. out. I am considering dropping med school and trying to apply for PA school or for an MHA. I have worked in a corporate setting and really enjoyed it. The more I think about it, the more I am losing sight of my reasons for choosing medical school in the first place. I enjoy working with patients, yes. But would I enjoy it day in and day out, when it is limiting me from having a family and maintaining relationships? I don't know if I can make that sacrifice.

I am terrified that I won't have a life and won't find somebody who is nearly as amazing as he is. The journey ahead of studying, rotations, residency, and boards sounds so so so miserable and I feel like I just entered a long dark cave.

I guess my question is that if I'm having such serious doubts, is it better to exit now or keep pushing? Any advice/thoughts?
 
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Pisiform

Oh Crap!!!
7+ Year Member
Nov 26, 2009
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don't worry you won't be alone. My med school was 90% married/engaged/in-relationship. But when I started rotation, 90% of residents are single.

So you won't be the only single person.
 

futuremdforme

5+ Year Member
May 12, 2013
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You can have a baby whenever you want, in med school or otherwise. It's not suddenly easy when you have a "real job" with 6 weeks of maternity leave and no job security either.

But separately, you're willing to give up med school for a guy who dumped you? Stock this one up to breakup blues, wait it out for a month (in school!) then in a year, laugh about how crazy it was to throw away your dream and a career for a guy who doesn't want you with all that you entail.
 

mw18

5+ Year Member
Jan 7, 2014
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-Becoming a doctor and finding someone "nearly as amazing as him." 99.999% chance of happening (the finding someone, not necessarily the becoming of a doctor.)

- You leave school, get back together with him, and you end up breaking up over something else. 90% chance

- You leave school, it turns out he had other reasons for breaking up with you to begin with and you never even get back together. 50% chance

- You leave school, get back together with him, and you live happily ever after. 10% chance

If he felt as strongly as you do, he would have given it more time to work out. Sounds to me like he isn't as committed as you are and wants to be single (but blames distance), but he's just a good enough guy not to just cheat on you.
 
May 16, 2015
45
53
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Medical Student
Unfortunate timing, then again, there probably isn't an ideal time to get dumped. For both men and women in medicine it seems that a major factor of professional satisfaction and overall happiness is having a spouse who is understanding of the demands of the profession. If someone is backing out now, it would have only been worse down the line. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. But no one likes hearing that right after getting dumped.
 

Mad Jack

Critically Caring
5+ Year Member
Jul 27, 2013
36,203
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I started dating a guy long distance a couple of months before I got off the waitlist for med school. I really like this guy a lot. When I got off the waitlist and decided to go to medical school, he had serious doubts about whether our relationship would be sustainable in the long run and whether I could have kids before I'm 30 (graduating med school at 28). He broke up with me earlier this week and I am freaking. out. I am considering dropping med school and trying to apply for PA school or for an MHA. I have worked in a corporate setting and really enjoyed it. The more I think about it, the more I am losing sight of my reasons for choosing medical school in the first place. I enjoy working with patients, yes. But would I enjoy it day in and day out, when it is limiting me from having a family and maintaining relationships? I don't know if I can make that sacrifice.

I am terrified that I won't have a life and won't find somebody who is nearly as amazing as he is. The journey ahead of studying, rotations, residency, and boards sounds so so so miserable and I feel like I just entered a long dark cave.

I guess my question is that if I'm having such serious doubts, is it better to exit now or keep pushing? Any advice/thoughts?
If he isn't even willing to give it a shot, that's on him. Medical school is way less awful than people make it out to be. You'll have plenty of time to meet people, make friends, fall in love, etc. How bad residency is really depends on the field. He didn't even want to give it a shot, and let fear get the best of him. Is that the kind of person you want in your life, the sort of guy who cuts and runs at the first sign of trouble? Because there will be points in everyone's life where things get hard or you grow apart. And this is exactly how he would have reacted then. So be glad you found out now, not when you're three kids in and struggling with a cancer diagnosis or something. Go be what you want to be, and don't let fears of what might happen limit your future. You'll find that things aren't nearly as bad from the social perspective as you'd expect, and that your preconceived notions of what being a medical student would be like were completely overblown. Unless you're a gunner, then you're making your own hell.
 

JustPlainBill

Attending
10+ Year Member
Jan 5, 2007
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So -- from personal experience --

Had a family member who had a full ride scholarship to undergrad and had been in conversations with staff at the attached medical school who indicated they would be accepted if they just applied.

During their junior year of undergrad, they met a guy and "fell in love" -- well, this guy wanted his mate to stay at home and raise kids and do the traditional wifely role -- so this family member walked away from the dream they'd had since childhood --

they've now been divorced and remarried to each other a couple of time with 2-3 kids -- the family member? Working at the perfume counter of a local department store --

I'll tell you what I told my daughter -- Make sure you have a career where you can support yourself without having to depend on anybody -- and if your proposed spouse doesn't want to support you in your dreams/aspirations -- assuming they are within reason -- that should raise a large red flag and you likely are better off without them -- I've seen too many young ladies give up their dreams for "the right guy" only to wind up 2-3 years later as a single mom with no visible means of support other than a minimum wage job and struggling to make it.

Also realize medicine is rough on families but so are other jobs that require the kind of commitment/dedication to be successful that medicine does -- you learn to adapt and maneuver around it -- you see your family for a bag lunch in the rounding room, you plan family time around studying or you get up earlier to get in a few hours before the kids are up, etc.
 
Dec 5, 2014
79
64
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Resident [Any Field]
Do NOT throw away your career for a guy... especially one you dated for only a handful of months. It sounds like your doubts about a career in medicine stem entirely from your recent break-up. Break-ups suck, I understand that. But if this guy balked at the first sign of challenges in your relationship, he was not in the relationship for the long-haul. If the relationship was really that great (in his mind), he wouldn't have broken up with you. The relationship was doomed for failure. Be grateful it ended now. Enjoy medical school and find someone else. At your age, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
 

Psai

This space for lease
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Being single is not so bad when you see all the dysfunctional relationships out there. Then you realize that these people found someone but you can't
 
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zeppelinpage4

10+ Year Member
May 17, 2009
1,318
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I started dating a guy long distance a couple of months before I got off the waitlist for med school. I really like this guy a lot. When I got off the waitlist and decided to go to medical school, he had serious doubts about whether our relationship would be sustainable in the long run and whether I could have kids before I'm 30 (graduating med school at 28). He broke up with me earlier this week and I am freaking. out. I am considering dropping med school and trying to apply for PA school or for an MHA. I have worked in a corporate setting and really enjoyed it. The more I think about it, the more I am losing sight of my reasons for choosing medical school in the first place. I enjoy working with patients, yes. But would I enjoy it day in and day out, when it is limiting me from having a family and maintaining relationships? I don't know if I can make that sacrifice.

I am terrified that I won't have a life and won't find somebody who is nearly as amazing as he is. The journey ahead of studying, rotations, residency, and boards sounds so so so miserable and I feel like I just entered a long dark cave.

I guess my question is that if I'm having such serious doubts, is it better to exit now or keep pushing? Any advice/thoughts?
Med school can be lonely, difficult, and isolating challenge. I know this first hand, as do many of my friends and users on here.

I can't say whether or not you should stay or jump ship. This is a personal decision and a big one. What I will say is to give yourself time and lots of honest contemplation before you make a decision.

Giving yourself time to really think about things, get perspective, emotionally heal and clear your head can do a lot of good. If after that you still feel the sacrifices are too much, then leaving may be something to consider. But give it a lot of thought before you make a big decision like this to leave. You might feel differently once a few weeks have passed.

As far as family, I have several friends who are engaged/married and one or two who are raising children as students. It is difficult, and they make lots of compromises to make it work, but it's possible to maintain relationships and family as a med student or doctor. Having an understanding significant others is a big part of course. Hopefully if you do stay, you'll meet someone who supports you and sticks with you amidst the demands of school and your career.

Either way, best of luck. I and many others have had struggles and wanted to quit. You're not alone. Hang in there. I would simply try to focus on emotionally healing right now.
 
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DOMS

2+ Year Member
Oct 31, 2014
17
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Medical Student (Accepted)
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you, that has to be rough when you're just starting out. I am also a new MS1 and I have had the exact same fears and anxieties as you, down to freaking out and wondering if I should do PA school instead or utilize my masters to move up in the corporate world. And I'll be older than you when I graduate medical school. Don't give up on your dreams because of these fears! I am with you, completely terrified that I wont get married or have kids when medical school/residency is apparently such a time suck. I haven't struggled with dating before but if I'm in my house/the library/the hospital all day and night until I'm 34..? At least that's the scary picture I built in my head.

However, I wanted to throw some light in this dark tunnel we've seemed to trap ourselves in. First off, there ARE people who will love and support you even through a work heavy career choice. I was in a similar boat as you, I started dating someone about 2ish months before moving for medical school. Yet he never once made me question my decision to follow my dreams, despite me crying to him about how I'll be 30 when I graduate and when will I have time for a family and so forth (which is kind of super weird to freak out about to someone you've dated for 2 months but there you go). He checks in with me all the time, reassures me that everything's going to work out, and even stays on skype with me and works on projects while I study. You will find someone like THAT, not someone who makes you doubt your dreams and feel like life ends after 30.

Furthermore, you still have time for a social life!! There is a lot to study, but you will find people to study with and take breaks with and these will be some of the best kinds of people! Put yourself out there socially, make time to go to the social events/mixers, meet people in your classes! It will make this process so much better. If you're close to home, don't forget about your other support system like your family and friends. This guy is not the end all be all to relationships, there are people who will be excited for you and want to be there for you. And lastly, you will have time to have relationships/a family. They will take more work, but like others have said at least you will have job security at the end of everything. Also, apparently 4th year or 2nd year+ of residency are a good time for kids. You can take a look at more lifestyle friendly specialties as well since that seems to be important to you. I hope things get better, try not to make any serious life altering decisions when you're still working through a break up. If you want to talk more about this you're welcome to message me! I completely understand how you're feeling.
 
Jan 14, 2015
2
2
Status
Pre-Medical
I started dating my girlfriend a few months before leaving for medical school. We're doing long-distance, but we're still together. Our relationship works because both of us are willing to make it work. We skype and call almost everyday and we do our best to be a part of each other's life even though we can't be together all the time.
Whether or not medicine is right for you is a different question then whether this guy is right for you. If he wasn't willing to make it work, then I'd say he's not the right one to be with.
 

fancymylotus

A Whole New World
15+ Year Member
Jul 21, 2004
36,049
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Lol at people dating someone in medical school and having unrealistic expectations about phone time/ face time/ whatever time.
 

JustPlainBill

Attending
10+ Year Member
Jan 5, 2007
2,568
2,940
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Attending Physician
Forgot one thing in my diatribe -- I was in a unique situation for med school -- had to move away and do the bachelor thing for the first couple of years -- it made the weekends a whole lot more fun -- the kids were really excited to see me, as was the wife -- kinda like coming home from a deployment every couple of weeks (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more) -- really sucked Sunday evening and I cried on the drive back and was moody that evening until the Monday routine started again --- but it was only 3 years --- heck, I've lived in places where you couldn't brush your teeth in the water and didn't go out alone after dark or eat local national food for longer than that, no one was trying to kill me and eat me and I slept inside out of the rain, so it wasn't so bad -- I had a gym on campus, a massive library and an anatomy lab -- life was tolerable....

You can do this -- the question is -- do you BOTH want to make it work bad enough and are you BOTH mature enough to make it happen -- sounds like he's not and better to learn that now, than farther down the road when you've seriously invested emotionally --
 

Anicetus

5+ Year Member
Apr 11, 2013
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I started dating a guy long distance a couple of months before I got off the waitlist for med school. I really like this guy a lot. When I got off the waitlist and decided to go to medical school, he had serious doubts about whether our relationship would be sustainable in the long run and whether I could have kids before I'm 30 (graduating med school at 28). He broke up with me earlier this week and I am freaking. out. I am considering dropping med school and trying to apply for PA school or for an MHA. I have worked in a corporate setting and really enjoyed it. The more I think about it, the more I am losing sight of my reasons for choosing medical school in the first place. I enjoy working with patients, yes. But would I enjoy it day in and day out, when it is limiting me from having a family and maintaining relationships? I don't know if I can make that sacrifice.

I am terrified that I won't have a life and won't find somebody who is nearly as amazing as he is. The journey ahead of studying, rotations, residency, and boards sounds so so so miserable and I feel like I just entered a long dark cave.

I guess my question is that if I'm having such serious doubts, is it better to exit now or keep pushing? Any advice/thoughts?
It is a really long dark tunnel... With socialism waiting for you on the other side after all that work put in. #Sanders2016
 

Merely

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sanders won't win..hopefully...unless the American people get smart all of a sudden then were screwed
 

Lyoness

5+ Year Member
Dec 4, 2014
125
126
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Pre-Medical
It's funny when you're in a relationship and in love with someone, you just want to make them happy and forget yourself. I was considering of doing pharmacy instead of medicine just because it's shorter but pharmacy is not my thing and I know i'd be miserable if I don't become a doctor. With that being said, I was contemplating on switching from premed to pre pharm. Once we broke up, I was so relieved that I still kept my goal of becoming a doctor. I have found myself again. Give yourself a few weeks, just keep pushing you'll feel so much relief and you'll finally be able to focus on YOU and YOUR future.
 
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