friends who didn't get in

[muonwhiz]

Are or have any of you been in the situation of being accepted to medical school having good friends who did not get in? How did you handle the situation?

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[kidterrific]

If they are your friends, then they are happy for you. But if you are their friend, then you don't want to rub their nose in it. Just avoid it with them, and let them talk to you about it, if they want to. Just don't be condescending. It helps if you got rejected a million times first, like I did.

 

[healthydawg]

now this is an interesting post...

i've lived on both sides of this issue, having been rejected several times myself. in fact, several years passed between my first application and the last. many of my friends have become docs in the meantime.

so let me offer two perspectives on this:

first, from the POV of the one who didn't make it. my friends used a pretty good tactic by not rubbing their successes in my face and by reassuring me that i would make it. that helped a lot. two more things helped. first, they acknowledged just how much chance had to do with getting in. because let's face it, it does. there's a lot of random chance in this process. the upshot of this was that it helped me feel like less of a failure and more like someone who had a stroke of bad luck. maybe not a huge improvement but still better in my opinion. the second thing was most of them made an effort to share triumphs AND frustrations as they were going through school. they made it "real" for me. they reassured me i was capable of handling it. that made getting in seem less like an insurmountable task and more like an obstacle to cross.

now that i've gotten in, i'm trying to offer the same courtesies to the folks i know who are still trying. i plan on keeping up with those people as much as i can as i go through it. in the meantime i'm helping people with apps, sharing what seemed to work for me, etc. i'm still in pre-med mode somewhat (out of habit) and so as i hear bits and pieces about different schools and programs, i pass those along too. i think the effort just to stay connected helps. people don't feel like they're being left behind.

good luck, i hope this helps.

 

[kidterrific]

Oh, and I forgot - you should help them in any way possible..

 

[muonwhiz]

Yeah, those are good points if rather obvious. You're not going to rub anyone's nose in anything, especially if they are your friend, and only a very naive person would ever discount the element of luck in getting in. I also know what rejection feels like. But I have a friend who is feeling pretty bad now and I wish that I could get him to open up about it and how he feels, because I've been through it and can well relate. I was hoping to get some suggestions about how to signal that it's okay to talk about it and that I can be of some comfort. I think it's hard to talk about rejection, especially since the people who really understand it are those who have been through the process. Other comments?

 

[roughgod]

I would just remind them that:

It's not the destination that matters (counts), it's the journey that does however.

If they really passionately want to be a practitioner, they'd stick around and next year hopefully it'll be their turn. Meanwhile, I'd try to help them in their journey in any way possible. And not rubbing it in their faces ia always a must.

David B.

 

[turtleboard]

Yes. First off I wouldn't expect anything in the way of congratulations or such from a friend. It hurts when someone, especially someone close to you, gets something that you so desperately want too. So being mad at a friend who didn't get in because he didn't say pat you on the back wouldn't be cool.

I also would avoid talking about much, and would only bring up med school when he brings it up. Talking about your plans for your future medical career is like twisting the knife after it's already been inserted.

As for helping your friend, I'd also be careful with this as you don't want to seem as if you're patronizing him. Like helping a handicapped puppy or something.

All of this sounds a little unorthodox, but remember that premeds are especially competitive. That goes without saying at most institutions. To be competitive only to have your ego get cut down in public (by not also getting into medical school) is a tough thing to face. When I applied, I didn't get interviews until November. Most of my friends, and at least one guy, were interviewing or were accepted by October/early November! I had a tough time dealing with it, but they were pretty good about the whole thing.

 

[healthydawg]

ok, i'll hop on to this thread again...

i'd like to second turtleboard's opinion. turtleboard was right on. in my opinion there really isn't a clean way to signal that it's ok to talk about this stuff. if this person is especially sensitive, anything you say right now will only be construed as rubbing it in. (sorry, is that obvious?) your best course is probably to let things cool off. when your friend wants to talk he/she will most likely come to you. at that point i think the things i said in my previous post would apply. then again, your friend may never want to talk about this; that's fine too.

you seem to have a good handle on the situation, i'm sure everything will work out just fine.

 

[DepressedNYCOMstudent]

As an undergrad I have also lived both sides of the situation. When I first applied to med schools in my Junior year of undergrad, I got rejected despite having good MCATs and gpa. However, my best friend who I was very close to got accepted. Then, when I applied in my senior year , I got accepted while my boyfriend didn't. I am a sensitive person and from my experience I will say this to you: Do not talk about your acceptance in front of your friend because that will surely hurt her no matter how he/she reacts to you. Be sensitive to her failure. What many people do when they get so excited about going to med school is that they shout out and tell everybody they see that they got in...DO NOT do this. This hurts. Just put it aside and don't mention it to people in front of him/her. Let your friend take time to get through her situation. You can talk about your acceptance to people when your friend in not around. This won't ruin the relationship. However if you keep talking about it she will get hurt everytime you do so and will begin to feel jealous and blame you for that even when she knows that its not your fault that she got rejected. Just let time heal her and go your way. Right now she is in her worst state of mind as a reject. thats enough tension to deal with. Don't add mor pressure by bring your acceptance up again and again.

 

[Dr JPH]

I agree with much of waht was said thus far.

I do, however, have on argument.

I am against "downplaying" the achievement of getting accepted to medical school just because a friend did not get in. Getting accepted, at least for me at this point, is a huge challenge and would be an enormous accomplishment and weight off my shoulders. I have the greatest confidence in my friends, at least my very close ones, that they too will get accepted. And, if for some reason they did not, I could not see myself saying "Well...it's mostly luck anyway..." I have worked hard...and I know they have worked hard, too. If I were the one on the other end and not get accepted (certainly a possibility), I would be offended if someone were to downplay their achievement because I did not make it along with them. I am not stupid, nor is any premed who didn't get accepted.

I have talked extensively to friends about the many possibilities surrounding our applications. I would be supportive in any case and I know I could expect the same in return. I understand that "not twisting the knife" is important, but at the same time, you should not be expected to ignore something you have worked for. I have dealt with a similar situation in the past and sometimes avoiding the topic in conversation makes for bitter attitudes later.

I dunno...maybe it's because I haven't been through the entire process and seen the dissapointment. I hope that I don't have to see that with myself or with my close friends. Only time will tell.

Peace

 

[NYCOMScrubs]

I agree with JP. While it is imposrtant not to rub your friend's face in the fact that you got in and they didn't, you should not have to deny your accomplishment. You have a responsibilty as a friend to console your friend and spur them on to apply again and not give up. On the flip side, your friend has the responsibility to fight off negative feelings and be happy for you and your achievement. If you are truely good friends you should be able to share all the good things and all the bad things in your lives together. To simply avoid the topic of med school could be detrimental to your friendship. In just a few months, med school will be your life. You'd be amazed at how limited your conversations will become if you cut out any mention of school. What does it say about a friendship if you have to aviod sharing something very big in your life. While it will be hard for your friend, if they truely love you they will be happy for you and help you celebrate your acceptance just as you as a true friend will empathize with them and help them grieve and move on. Help them improve their application and give them tons of encouragement but do not deny yourslef. You've worked extremely hard and its just as important for yo uto feel good about what you've done as it is to feel bad about your friend's bad luck.

 

[DepressedNYCOMstudent]

On second thoughts, yeah you are right....you deserve to be credited for your acceptance. I agree with HPHazelton and NYCOMscrubs here. I really think it depends on your friend's personality. However, friends get jealous too SOMETIMES. But usually friends are always there cheering for your success. So I am sure your friend is happy about your success. I think you two will just need to sit down and talk it out and get this tension out of the way...so that the next time you mention it to people nobody feels anything. What I ment in my previous post was just be sensitive to her failure. I think talking this matter out will avoid these sensitive issues.

Originally posted by NYCOMScrubs:
•I agree with JP. While it is imposrtant not to rub your friend's face in the fact that you got in and they didn't, you should not have to deny your accomplishment. You have a responsibilty as a friend to console your friend and spur them on to apply again and not give up. On the flip side, your friend has the responsibility to fight off negative feelings and be happy for you and your achievement. If you are truely good friends you should be able to share all the good things and all the bad things in your lives together. To simply avoid the topic of med school could be detrimental to your friendship. In just a few months, med school will be your life. You'd be amazed at how limited your conversations will become if you cut out any mention of school. What does it say about a friendship if you have to aviod sharing something very big in your life. While it will be hard for your friend, if they truely love you they will be happy for you and help you celebrate your acceptance just as you as a true friend will empathize with them and help them grieve and move on. Help them improve their application and give them tons of encouragement but do not deny yourslef. You've worked extremely hard and its just as important for yo uto feel good about what you've done as it is to feel bad about your friend's bad luck.•

 

[j8463dp]

If they are really your friend , just keep supporting them until they make it!!

And remember , it is ok if you don't get in the first time.

Help them anyway you can and give them advice from your experiences.

Keeping someone's confidence up is the name of the game!!