Funniest Chief Complaints
Started by Dr JPH
"I'm passing gas 2 or even 3 times a day"
60 y/o patient who just discovered farting
60 y/o patient who just discovered farting
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"I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER)
D
deleted113029
CC: "my sweat stinks"
Has it always stunk? Yes
👍
Has it always stunk? Yes
👍
"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn't think it worked"
Worked at a clinic where pt's actually wrote their own CC...
These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow.
CC: "spiter bit"
(Trans: spider bite)
CC: "pain in my balls"
These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow.
CC: "spiter bit"
(Trans: spider bite)
CC: "pain in my balls"
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How could I forget psych?
CC: "Al Qaeda"
CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."
CC: "Al Qaeda"
CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."
Today:
"What brings you to the clinic today?"
"My clit is swollen"
"What brings you to the clinic today?"
"My clit is swollen"
Come again?!
Yes that would be a solution to her problem!
"My tooth tickles." Patient had tried to remove his tooth first with pliers and then with a crowbar.
"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001.
"I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle.
"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001.
"I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle.
That was just awesome!
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Patient "My eyes are tired"
Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"
Patient "They feel tired"
Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"
Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."
Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"
Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."
=====================================
Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."
=====================================
Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"
Patient "They feel tired"
Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"
Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."
Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"
Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."
=====================================
Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."
=====================================
And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.
I think we did 4 view nasal x-rays, CBC, to try to rule out bacterial sinusitus. My attendings has big old' lobster hands and when he "taps" over anyone's sinuses with those the patient is bound to say "Ow!" We diagnose so many cases of sinusitus . . .
CC: "Rash on my lower back."
Translation: New onset genital herpes, much lower than the back.
Translation: New onset genital herpes, much lower than the back.
C
Critical Mass
Awesome thread!
Here's what I can remember for now...
"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)
"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)
What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."
Here's what I can remember for now...
"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)
"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)
What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."
Yeah. BMS sucks to deal with.
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I......can't......stop.....staring....at......your.....avatar.....
CC: Medical certificate facies
Psych ER:
cc: " my pu$$y is sad"
- not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy
- that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense
cc: " my pu$$y is sad"
- not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy
- that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense
These aren't so much funny CCs but both nights I did an overnight ER rotation as a first year to get experience doing H&Ps we had someone come in that had tried to shave their pubic hair with a box cutter and ended up with some very unpleasant lacerations. They weren't comfortable with a med student in the room, so I didn't get to see their handywork.
D
deleted87716
CC: "I need a rectal."
The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time.
The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time.
"one of my labia is bigger than the other"
"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)
"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)
"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)
In pediatrics
CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche"
CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche"
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😱 😱
OMG!! I had no idea that was even possible!! That has to be some sort of wacky record or something..
-PlAnEjaNe
I know! Fertile, indeed.
Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass"
Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"
😱
Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"
😱
Vibrate apparently judging by the way he reacted a couple of times in the ED....I wasn't in the OR when they took it out and didn't think to ask about it.On vibrate or tone?
thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.
sounds like a JRA pt I had.
patient: "my colostomy bag is full of ****"
nurse: "no ****."
nurse: "no ****."
CC: my tongue is too short
Me: OK. What sort of problem does that cause you?
(Patient's wife begins snickering)
Him: Well, her and all our friends make fun of me...I mean, I'm not no good at oral sex and it's because my tongue is too short.
Me: ummmmmkaaaaayyyyyy
Me: OK. What sort of problem does that cause you?
(Patient's wife begins snickering)
Him: Well, her and all our friends make fun of me...I mean, I'm not no good at oral sex and it's because my tongue is too short.
Me: ummmmmkaaaaayyyyyy
CC: "What is all this stuff? It must be fluid or something." (uttered whilst the patient grabs and waves his huge, dangling pannus towards me)
Me: "Uh... Sir. I think that's just fat."
P.S. No I did not misspell "penis".
Me: "Uh... Sir. I think that's just fat."
P.S. No I did not misspell "penis".
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