Getting married before beginning med school?

[nanasbananas]

---

Members do not see this ad.

Good point caveman. I tried dating, but had a hard time getting along with non-med people. Girls in bars and stuff consider auto mechanics and rock guitarists more "cool". You know, I get along with premed girls...but most of them are taken. I was just too busy doing a BS degree...and never thought of dating and stuff.

I think they should add a "Singles only" section to studentdoctor.net forums. What do you say?

ULTRON

Hey, auto mechanics are cool when you get married and your in-laws say to you "don't you worry about paying for med school". No loans? Way cool.

 

[JAMMAN]

An interesting fact...50% of the married residents in the gen surg program where I trained were divorced by the end of their third year. Most of the marital meltdowns occurred during the second year. My program was considered to be failry benign.

 

[tigress]

We got married in the middle of my husband's first year of med school and my last year of college. It worked out fine. We made our parents do most of the wedding planning, though 😛. Neither of us cared too much about most of the specifics. I got to choose what kind of flowers, and I got my dress and everything, but pretty much everything else was done by our mothers.

Also, word from the wise: NEVER assume it will be easy to have a baby, no matter how old you are.

edit: If any of y'all are hoping to have a baby before or during med school and you'd like to talk about this, send me a PM.

 

[45408]

i'm an RN...i'm not hot for doctors. i date people, not professions

Doctors are people.


anyways, I wouldn't want to date another pre-med, because I don't want the stress of trying to get into the same med school (I am DONE with long-distance after this year - I will not do it any longer!!), and I'll pass on the debt. I've got what I want anyways.

 

[45408]

An interesting fact...50% of the married residents in the gen surg program where I trained were divorced by the end of their third year. Most of the marital meltdowns occurred during the second year. My program was considered to be failry benign.

considering how 50% of marriages end in divorce, your statistic is hardly alarming

 

[PreMedMommy]

I think it is certainly doable to be a spouse/parent pre-med. I am 20 years old and got pregnant in high school my first time. I went ahead and got married and then finished my family this summer break. I am managing to hold a 4.0. I see it as a constant motivation to achieve my goals, and I think it gives me a leg up on some people. I'm not bogged down with partying and getting drunk all the time (just sometimes when grandma can babysit). Plus, I don't have to worry about wondering when I can find time in my busy schedule to get pregnant and time it right.

 

[gujuDoc]

We got married in the middle of my husband's first year of med school and my last year of college. It worked out fine. We made our parents do most of the wedding planning, though 😛. Neither of us cared too much about most of the specifics. I got to choose what kind of flowers, and I got my dress and everything, but pretty much everything else was done by our mothers.

Also, word from the wise: NEVER assume it will be easy to have a baby, no matter how old you are.

edit: If any of y'all are hoping to have a baby before or during med school and you'd like to talk about this, send me a PM.

I agree that it will never be easy to have a baby. I think one thing I've realized as I've come to college, is that having a kid is hard enough as it is. But figuring out the right balance is even harder. I don't have kids of my own, but based on observation of others, I've seen...you can't be too tight with your kids or they rebel. You can't be too loose with your kids. So where do you draw the line?? It is a hard question to answer and definitely one that makes me question whether I could even become a parent. Actually, I think that is one of my biggest fears in life.

 

[mshheaddoc]

I agree that it will never be easy to have a baby. I think one thing I've realized as I've come to college, is that having a kid is hard enough as it is. But figuring out the right balance is even harder. I don't have kids of my own, but based on observation of others, I've seen...you can't be too tight with your kids or they rebel. You can't be too loose with your kids. So where do you draw the line?? It is a hard question to answer and definitely one that makes me question whether I could even become a parent. Actually, I think that is one of my biggest fears in life.

But its not just you doing the parenting (hopefully). I agree with your thought process though. I said I was moving to Montana and home schooling my kids when I was younger . You can't protect them but just allow them the options to make wise decisions by keeping the lines of communication open and having a support system in place. That would be the only way I would be able to have a child during med school. Its important to have that support structure in place.

 

[tigress]

I agree that it will never be easy to have a baby. I think one thing I've realized as I've come to college, is that having a kid is hard enough as it is. But figuring out the right balance is even harder. I don't have kids of my own, but based on observation of others, I've seen...you can't be too tight with your kids or they rebel. You can't be too loose with your kids. So where do you draw the line?? It is a hard question to answer and definitely one that makes me question whether I could even become a parent. Actually, I think that is one of my biggest fears in life.

I should have been more specific. I meant you should never assume that it will be easy to get pregnant.

Of course having children is difficult. But I don't think there's any particularly good time in this process to do it. I say just have them when you personally are ready.

 

[gujuDoc]

I should have been more specific. I meant you should never assume that it will be easy to get pregnant.

Of course having children is difficult. But I don't think there's any particularly good time in this process to do it. I say just have them when you personally are ready.

Ah I see now. Yeah I agree, its best to have them when you are ready. As per trouble getting pregnant, I have known a few friends who've had some problems in their ability to get pregnant, but they were able to do it finally and are real happy. One of them just gave birth to a baby this past month.

 

[GenSurg]

There are plusses and minuses to being married before medical school.

Having a partner to help you through the tough times can be very helpful. It is nice to talk to someone other than a med student and have a life outside of medicine. A spouse can also help keep your student loans in check if they can cover your living expenses. A spouse can also keep your personal life in order, help clean, pay bills, and be supportive.

On the other hand, sometimes you may feel that you need to be home instead of studying. It can be very hard to be in a one sided relationship. I've known several marriages on the rocks and at least one divorce during medical school.

It helps if you really make an effort to not be in a one sided relationship. Your partner will realize you do have time constraints and need to study, but you should make an effort to spend quality time with your spouse.

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=20049323

 

[doublepeak]

Also, my fiance is one of 2 adopted children (his 3rd brother was a "suprise" baby), so if we can't have kids, we'll adopt for sure.

I always wondered why more people don't adopt. If there are needy kids out there, why not help one of them? My fiance and I have talked about this for a while and we will definetly adopt when we decide to have children also.

 

[gujuDoc]

Also, my fiance is one of 2 adopted children (his 3rd brother was a "suprise" baby), so if we can't have kids, we'll adopt for sure.

Speaking of adoption, has anyone ever thought about being part of an international adoption??? I have a Korean friend who was adopted by an american couple as a child, and know of a few other cases where people have adopted infants from orphanages in different nations. A part of me, has always thought about doing this, since I learned of a girl that was adopted off the streets when she was 4 years old. Back in Highschool, my spanish teacher was telling us how this girl (a graduate from our highschool) had been adopted from Columbia when she was a 4 yr old girl. He went on to tell us that had this girl was the daughter of some very very poor street beggers. Since hearing that story, I've always been inspired to consider doing something like that. But on the flip side, if adoption process for America is so bad, I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through the int'l adoption process.

 

[gujuDoc]

I always wondered why more people don't adopt. If there are needy kids out there, why not help one of them? My fiance and I have talked about this for a while and we will definetly adopt when we decide to have children also.

I'm just guessing here, but I think it could do with a few things.......

1. Adoption process can be literal hell. While many of the things they do are necessary to ensure the safety of the child, it still can be very draining on those trying to adopt.

2. My understanding is that you are put on a list, and it may sometimes be a few years before you even get taken off the list for adoption.

3. Some people have a thing about wanting a child that is their birth child.

4. Might fear that when the child is older, the birth parents will come back looking for them and trying to take over. (I'm not so sure about this one)

But these are just some thoughts. I'm not sure if there is much truth to it, but they are my guesses. Although, I'd say for the most part it probably has to do more with the first two things then the 3rd and 4th thing I mentioned.

 

[gujuDoc]

Adoption in itself is a noble process, however I have some reservations about international adoption. My aunt and uncle adopted 2 girls from China (now 4 and 2) and are going back for a 3rd later this summer.

It seems that younger couples in America have a better chance of adoption thru state agencies (age is a factor, so is health), and older couples (my aunt and uncle are 50+) have an easier time arranging international adoption, because (at least for China) it seems that if you can meet the price, you can "buy" a child. Not to say that int'l adoption is bad, but speaking ONLY from experience with my aunt, she was given many, many, many opportunities for local adoption (even some set up through my parents) and they decided not to go through with them. Now they have 2 kids from China, and they act like they are the world's biggest humanitarians, and how these kids would have lived a horrible life if it weren't for them. When she gets on her high horse, I can't but help thinking of the poor inner-city kids from Chicago (we're not that far) who are desperate for a family, and could be adopted in a second. I have also been to a group of mothers with Chinese adopted children with my aunt to speak about possible issues in speech and language dealing with toddler adoption, and all these mothers behaved like my aunt - like they all should get the Nobel proze. There was no humility or shame.

So, I guess I'm a little jaded by some int'l adoptions, especially when we have our OWN children in America in need. I know, I know.... I shouldn't generalize my family and experiences, but that's my outlook - sorry!

I am caucasian, but if I couldn't have kids, I would adopt a local child of color just as easily as a caucasian, it doesn't matter to me, but I would treat them like my child, not a prize.

Ok, can anyone tell I have PMS? 🙁

No I totally can understand why you would be jaded. I think its horrible the way they acted and am sorry to hear that. In regards to China, I once heard (don't know if it is true though) that Chinese people allow each family to have only one child, because of the vast overcrowding that occurs in the country. But I don't know if there is truth to that statement and have wondered about it. However, when my Korean friend was adopted, her parents went through the same literal hell people go through to adopt from this country. I'm talking all the background checks, case workers, etc. etc. etc.


Nonetheless, you are right that there are a lot of inner city kids and stuff here that need our help too. I actually have a former classmate who told me that she's going to be adopting in the near future. She already has one child of her own, and she wanted another. So she opted to adopt. She's real excited about it too.

But going back to the inner city thing, that brings ups another aspect of adoption.......What are your thoughts on adopting from a shelter for abused and neglected children???

I used to volunteer at a home for abused/neglected kids on random ocassions with Premed AMSA a couple years back. Anyhow, at the time when I was volunteering there, my Korean friend (the same girl that I spoke of above) worked at the same place. She used to tell me some of the things these kids went through prior to coming to the shelter. She also used to tell me how they would have adoption Tuesdays where kids would meet possible potential parents. But she said that people that it was real sad, because they would get the kids hopes up only to be let down again. I stopped volunteering there because it was too much for me. I just couldn't bare to go there, to know what these kids were going through, only to feel kinda helpless because you just wish you could stop the abuse that they've been given. It makes you want to cry when you have heard some of those things.

 

[gujuDoc]

I think you are correct, especially in today's litigious society. My future father-in-law said it was pretty easy to get 3 boys adopted (my fiance had an older brother, but he died at 3 due to heart defect), and now it seems next to impossible. And as far as birth parents, this can be a concern, especially for a private adoption.

It's a hard road, but at least there is a higher possibility of having a child that way than if you're infertile.

Very true, which is one of the reasons I'd go through with it, if I was in that position.

This brings up another topic, have you ever heard of open adoptions??? I don't know if this is for real, considering that I heard about them on lifetime movie network, but basically it is where a birth parent allows someone to adopt her child with the stipulation they know that can still have some part in the child's life and get to know their child. Whether this really exists or not, I do not know. So I was wondering if you have heard of such a thing and if it is in existance, what you think of it??

 

[Stitch626]

Yes. First declension masculine.

I protest! Definitely second declension.

 

[45408]

Speaking of adoption, has anyone ever thought about being part of an international adoption??? .....but on the flip side, if adoption process for America is so bad, I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through the int'l adoption process.

I know of a number of internationally adopted children - pretty much all through my church. One from Romania, two from Vietnam, two from the Philippines, and a few others. I think international adoptions often go faster, which is why some people opt for them, but I think they're more expensive. The other upshot/downside is usually that you're never going to have birth parents most likely - most children are from orphanages. So, no meth moms coming back for their babies, but a child also has no chance of ever finding their parents.

 

[gujuDoc]

I know of a number of internationally adopted children - pretty much all through my church. One from Romania, two from Vietnam, two from the Philippines, and a few others. I think international adoptions often go faster, which is why some people opt for them, but I think they're more expensive. The other upshot/downside is usually that you're never going to have birth parents most likely - most children are from orphanages. So, no meth moms coming back for their babies, but a child also has no chance of ever finding their parents.

Good points you brought up. About the birth parents, I suppose that would depend on the nature of the adoption. My Korean friend that was adopted was given a letter written in Korean about why she was given away, and they have on record the whereabouts of her birth parents. But I suppose if you are part of an orphanage, like Angelina Jolie's new baby, then it might be a different story.

 

[gujuDoc]

I've definitely heard of open adoptions, but I'm not sure what to make of open adoptions. On one hand, it keeps the birth mother in the child's life, but on the other hand it can complicate things for a family who doesn't want the birth mother's influence. So I think it definitely takes special people to make it work. Personally, I don't think I would go for it. I know my fiance has no interest in finding his birth parents, even though I think it might be beneficial to find out their medical history at least.

Oh well. Ultimately, adoption is a wonderful thing, and I've thought of adopting even if we can get pregnant. But only time will tell 🙂

Ok, so I guess open adoptions do exist. I wasn't sure, but just heard of it on a lifetime movie I was watching one night a few months ago.

 

[gujuDoc]

Yeah, but I have a feeling it's more like grandma adopting the kids and mom visiting a lot - that type of situation 🙂

Oh ok. That makes more sense.

 

[LJDHC05]

anyway, getting back to the roots of the thread...

So I'm in a 3+ year relationship and I'm a committment-phobe beyond dating. As female type people in my girlfriend's shoes, would you all be willing to chill for 3 years as the girlfriend until I finished my step 1 USMLE and you finished law school, or do you want a promise ring now? Are you willing to put up with 3 years of long distance living while we're in different states (~3 hours apart) while we both persue our dreams?

just a discussion topic because I've been mulling and discussing with the gf. The plan now is to see if we can deal for a year or 3 and if things are right in 3 years we'll think about it...🙂

 

[thirdunity]

just a discussion topic because I've been mulling and discussing with the gf. The plan now is to see if we can deal for a year or 3 and if things are right in 3 years we'll think about it...🙂

Wait another year, not three. Three just isn't fair. You'll have taken up this woman's life for six years while you figure out what your plans for *her* life are, when she could be looking for somebody who is going in the same direction as her.

Speaking as a woman, *no* woman should ever wait more than a year or two for a guy to figure out where he wants the relationship to go, *especially* if the relationship has already lasted for three years. This becomes a one-way-street. She knows what she wants, and is waiting for *you*. Don't keep her waiting. Relationships really start to suck when they are not built by two people moving at the same speed.

I *never* wait around for a guy to figure out what he's going to do. The direction of my life, and who is going to walk that road with me, is too important a decision to leave it completely in the hands of someone else.

If you're in your early twenties, this is your first long-term relationship, and you're having the commitment jitters, then what's going on is that you probably aren't ready for a full-time commitment. If after three years you're still not seeing yourself married to her, then let her off the hook.

 

[thirdunity]

Actually, adoption is my *first* choice. For one, I very specifically want my first/possibly only child to be a girl.

I know it isn't a very cool thing to admit you want a child of a specific gender, but I have good reasons that my family approves of and supports, and gender selection is one of the benefits of adoption.

 

[dajimmers]

Actually, adoption is my *first* choice. For one, I very specifically want my first/possibly only child to be a girl.

I know it isn't a very cool thing to admit you want a child of a specific gender, but I have good reasons that my family approves of and supports, and gender selection is one of the benefits of adoption.

You could always do that centrifuge sperm thing followed by in vitro- but its not 100% accurate, and you do have to deal w/ in vitro. Or can they still do it with, uh, "turkey basters?" (sorry). Or, if you really don't care, abort if its a boy.

 

[thirdunity]

You could always do that centrifuge sperm thing followed by in vitro- but its not 100% accurate, and you do have to deal w/ in vitro. Or can they still do it with, uh, "turkey basters?" (sorry). Or, if you really don't care, abort if its a boy.

Naw. That opens whole cans of bioethical worms. Why bother if I can adopt a girl from a foreign country, particularly when lots of cultures just callously discard girl children to begin with?

I'd also like to adopt a slightly older child (say, 2 or 3) as opposed to an infant.

 

[dajimmers]

I know, just wanted to throw the options out there. Morally, ethically, I agree w/ you. I don't like how foreign adoptions are so much like "buying" the baby, though. I know, poor countries need money, but putting human beings up for "sale" is so problematic- brings up issues such as surrogate mothers, indentured servitude, heck even slavery.

But I don't really know who to blame for the ethical problem- the adopter is really acting altruistically, and the donating country really needs money more than it needs more orphans... Hmmm, I have no idea of how to resolve this.

 

[tigress]

LJDHC05, 3 years is a LONG time. I agree with thirdunity -- if you've been with her for 3 years and you're still scared to commit, you might just think about why. I know I would never wait for 3 years for a guy to figure out if he wants me or not. Of course, the correlate is whether she's ready to commit.

Regarding adoption: the self-righteousness of people who do international adoptions has been brought up (and I've actually seen it, too), but I also think that those posters here who said something to the effect of "I just don't understand why people don't adopt; we're going to!" are being somewhat self-righteous. There are MANY reasons why people do not or cannot adopt; guju posted some good ones, but there are many, many more. If people do not feel capable of adopting, it would be wrong to push them to do so.

I myself am unsure whether I could do it or not. My husband and I have discussed whether we would if the situation arose. I think my husband is more comfortable with the idea than I am. Maybe this is a flaw, but I'm not the type of person who would just adopt for no particular reason, or just in addition to giving birth to children. I've often thought that after my biological children grow up I might like to adopt one or two disabled children, but even that impulse has fallen by the wayside as life has caught up with me, and I realize all the other things I want to do. Perhaps I am selfish. Or perhaps I'm simply not cut out for adoption.

Regarding interracial adoption: a family we know, the parents both white, adopted a little girl who is black. They are also foster parents to another child who they hope to adopt, also black. The other important detail to this story is that this couple lives in an Orthodox Jewish community in the northeast. They are wonderful people, very unusual, kindhearted, and if anybody could pull this off it's them. But it's not going to be easy. I was at a party with them once and I overheard some girls talking, saying "why didn't they just adopt a white child? that kid is going to have a really hard time growing up."

I'm pretty sure that many of the national (US) black groups are opposed to interracial adoption. I can see why. It's difficult for a child to grow up looking different from her parents, and definitely if she will look different than the vast majority of people around her. I reserve judgement on the issue, though, because who am I to say what can and can't work? I suspect our friends will make it work out fine. In a way it may even be easier in the community where they live, because the children will probably not try to fit in with their black peers (they won't have any) by adopting much of black culture, while at the same time becoming ashamed of their parents. I had an aquaintance in high school who's father was black and mother was white; he considered himself black, hung out mostly with the black kids, etc., and he was completely humiliated if anybody saw his white mother. I felt really bad for him, because he was trying so hard to fit in. Unfortunately society is still racially divided, particularly socially. And it might be changing, but it's changing slowly. So the situation is difficult.

 

[gujuDoc]

LJDHC05, 3 years is a LONG time. I agree with thirdunity -- if you've been with her for 3 years and you're still scared to commit, you might just think about why. I know I would never wait for 3 years for a guy to figure out if he wants me or not. Of course, the correlate is whether she's ready to commit.

Regarding adoption: the self-righteousness of people who do international adoptions has been brought up (and I've actually seen it, too), but I also think that those posters here who said something to the effect of "I just don't understand why people don't adopt; we're going to!" are being somewhat self-righteous. There are MANY reasons why people do not or cannot adopt; guju posted some good ones, but there are many, many more. If people do not feel capable of adopting, it would be wrong to push them to do so.

I myself am unsure whether I could do it or not. My husband and I have discussed whether we would if the situation arose. I think my husband is more comfortable with the idea than I am. Maybe this is a flaw, but I'm not the type of person who would just adopt for no particular reason, or just in addition to giving birth to children. I've often thought that after my biological children grow up I might like to adopt one or two disabled children, but even that impulse has fallen by the wayside as life has caught up with me, and I realize all the other things I want to do. Perhaps I am selfish. Or perhaps I'm simply not cut out for adoption.

Regarding interracial adoption: a family we know, the parents both white, adopted a little girl who is black. They are also foster parents to another child who they hope to adopt, also black. The other important detail to this story is that this couple lives in an Orthodox Jewish community in the northeast. They are wonderful people, very unusual, kindhearted, and if anybody could pull this off it's them. But it's not going to be easy. I was at a party with them once and I overheard some girls talking, saying "why didn't they just adopt a white child? that kid is going to have a really hard time growing up."

I'm pretty sure that many of the national (US) black groups are opposed to interracial adoption. I can see why. It's difficult for a child to grow up looking different from her parents, and definitely if she will look different than the vast majority of people around her. I reserve judgement on the issue, though, because who am I to say what can and can't work? I suspect our friends will make it work out fine. In a way it may even be easier in the community where they live, because the children will probably not try to fit in with their black peers (they won't have any) by adopting much of black culture, while at the same time becoming ashamed of their parents. I had an aquaintance in high school who's father was black and mother was white; he considered himself black, hung out mostly with the black kids, etc., and he was completely humiliated if anybody saw his white mother. I felt really bad for him, because he was trying so hard to fit in. Unfortunately society is still racially divided, particularly socially. And it might be changing, but it's changing slowly. So the situation is difficult.

Right on. This post brings up a lot of good points.

 

[mshheaddoc]

have to say I'm with you tigress. I suppose its just the old-fashion woman that wants to pass on my genes and reproduce. I would possibly be open to adoption but not after all other resources are exhausted. I think adoption is great, but for me I want to try to have my own children first to pass on my family's lineage.

As for inter-racial adoption, again, great points tigress. I think we have along way to go as a society in order to overcome some of these issues. Under the adoption umbrella, some children have come up to resent their adpotive parents while others haven't. But overall they are grateful for their chance at life (when they get older) but as a child sometimes is extremely confusing.

 

[thirdunity]

Hi Tigress,

Regarding your thing about interracial adoption, I think many people don't think very realistically about this issue.

With regard to foreign adoption, I have some similar issues regarding adopting an Asian. My first choice (if doing foreign adoption) would be Eastern European, especially in this case since I myself am a freckled redhead.

The issue isn't whether an Asian child is better or worse than a European child. The issue is that my child (as a non-white) would have to face prejudice in our culture - but would not have the cultural framework (an Asian family) to make sense of the prejudice. That child would be a child without a nation, in a sense.

But to bring up a child who is going to experience prejudice - without actually having them be part of the culture that's being discriminated against - isn't something I'd really wish on a kid. They will get the worst parts of being Black, Hispanic, Asian - the prejudice - without the best parts (the heritage).

I don't have as much of a problem with the idea of having a partner who is a different race (done it before - at least in dating - probably will do it again) and having children with that partner. I don't think it's the same issue as two white people adopting a non-white child. [I only mention white parents with nonwhite children, because in this case, it is the nonwhite child who is going to suffer the most. Haven't really evaluated what the other way around would be like.]

Then, my situation is *not* the same as the situation of many or most Americans - I have grown up in racially diverse areas where mixing *was* very common. My social groups were very racially mixed. Many of my friends have had parents of two different races. We all dated people of all races.
These are the areas I grew up in, and they're the areas I'd prefer to stay in.

I *would* consider adopting an Asian child if my partner were Asian, a Black child if my partner were Black, et cetera. But there has to be a role model of their own race or culture, there in the family that the kid can relate to.

My own background with this issue?
I am only from an interfaith household, not an interracial one. My father is Episcopalian and Anglo-Scottish-American, with the classic light skin and pale eyes; and my mother is Jewish and has the classic Mediterranean appearance (black hair, olive skin - blue eyes too; she really is a stunning woman). My parents resolved the religious issue by having a secular household. I was brought up without anyone's traditions, although in actuality the traditions were Christian by default, since the family did the Christmas tree and stuff.

I grew up with a knowledge that I was Jewish, and with the stories of all the really bad things that happened to my ancestors and to Jews as a whole. But I didn't get any of the *good* parts of being Jewish - traditions, tight family, religion, et cetera. [Of course, unrelated to being Jewish, my mom's side of the family is also stark raving f***ing CRAZY, so I didn't get much contact with them - but that's another story.]

This wasn't fun, and I can only imagine that it'd be a hundredfold worse for an Asian child being brought up by two white people. All the prejudice, but no cultural traditions or cultural contact or role models *within their own family*. The worst parts of being their race, without the best parts.

 

[crazy_cavalier]

Why not, I am! I'm applying for admit in 2006, but I'm getting married on August 5th (10 days! ahhhh!). I have no idea what being a married, traditional student will do to my app, if anything, but that shouldn't be a point of concern anyways, should it? Planning a wedding while taking a full course load, studying for the MCAT, applying to medschool, and working/volunteering.

Luckily, both of us aren't going into medicine. If you are, have fun!

holy smokes! 5 days now. nervous?

 

[dajimmers]

holy smokes! 5 days now. nervous?

Ha, no, I'm actually not nervous at all. I've known her for so long, that I'm entirely sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We both have realistic expectations for what our careers will mean for our future, and should be able to manage our schooling, careers, relationship, and eventual children as long as we remain open with eachother.

Well, I guess I'm a little nervous about saying my vows and the toasts, but only because I'm bound to screw them up...

 

[tigress]

Hey congrats to everybody getting married: The best advice anybody gave me: try to have fun at your wedding. Sit back a few times, relax, and think about the fact that THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! It will be over before you know it!

good luck and enjoy! marriage is awesome 😀

 

[thirdunity]

Hey congrats to everybody getting married: The best advice anybody gave me: try to have fun at your wedding. Sit back a few times, relax, and think about the fact that THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! It will be over before you know it!

good luck and enjoy! marriage is awesome 😀

Planning a wedding can also bring out the worst in people.

I speak as someone who separated from her husband ten months after the wedding. We were legally married (I was sick and uninsured) about four months prior to the big, public wedding. We were reasonably happy up until then. Then the emotional abuse started. Everything changed after we were publicly a married couple.

 

[gujuDoc]

Hi Tigress,

Regarding your thing about interracial adoption, I think many people don't think very realistically about this issue.

With regard to foreign adoption, I have some similar issues regarding adopting an Asian. My first choice (if doing foreign adoption) would be Eastern European, especially in this case since I myself am a freckled redhead.

The issue isn't whether an Asian child is better or worse than a European child. The issue is that my child (as a non-white) would have to face prejudice in our culture - but would not have the cultural framework (an Asian family) to make sense of the prejudice. That child would be a child without a nation, in a sense.

But to bring up a child who is going to experience prejudice - without actually having them be part of the culture that's being discriminated against - isn't something I'd really wish on a kid. They will get the worst parts of being Black, Hispanic, Asian - the prejudice - without the best parts (the heritage).

I don't have as much of a problem with the idea of having a partner who is a different race (done it before - at least in dating - probably will do it again) and having children with that partner. I don't think it's the same issue as two white people adopting a non-white child. [I only mention white parents with nonwhite children, because in this case, it is the nonwhite child who is going to suffer the most. Haven't really evaluated what the other way around would be like.]

Then, my situation is *not* the same as the situation of many or most Americans - I have grown up in racially diverse areas where mixing *was* very common. My social groups were very racially mixed. Many of my friends have had parents of two different races. We all dated people of all races.
These are the areas I grew up in, and they're the areas I'd prefer to stay in.

I *would* consider adopting an Asian child if my partner were Asian, a Black child if my partner were Black, et cetera. But there has to be a role model of their own race or culture, there in the family that the kid can relate to.

My own background with this issue?
I am only from an interfaith household, not an interracial one. My father is Episcopalian and Anglo-Scottish-American, with the classic light skin and pale eyes; and my mother is Jewish and has the classic Mediterranean appearance (black hair, olive skin - blue eyes too; she really is a stunning woman). My parents resolved the religious issue by having a secular household. I was brought up without anyone's traditions, although in actuality the traditions were Christian by default, since the family did the Christmas tree and stuff.

I grew up with a knowledge that I was Jewish, and with the stories of all the really bad things that happened to my ancestors and to Jews as a whole. But I didn't get any of the *good* parts of being Jewish - traditions, tight family, religion, et cetera. [Of course, unrelated to being Jewish, my mom's side of the family is also stark raving f***ing CRAZY, so I didn't get much contact with them - but that's another story.]

This wasn't fun, and I can only imagine that it'd be a hundredfold worse for an Asian child being brought up by two white people. All the prejudice, but no cultural traditions or cultural contact or role models *within their own family*. The worst parts of being their race, without the best parts.

You brought up a good point. The Korean friend of mine that I mentioned earlier, had to deal with some of this sort of stuff when she was a child. Her 'rents actually moved away from one of the place's they lived with, because of the discrimination. It is ashame that some people can be so cruel and prejudice, but even if we opt to adopt someone of a different race, we can only hope to do the best we can do for them as any good parent would do. And we can only try to do our best as a parent.

Adoption is one of the most complicated situations out there. While it is something I would like to consider doing, a part of me doesn't know if I could deal with all the pain and stress that one has to go through in the adoption process. However, time will tell what happens down the road.

 

[thirdunity]

Adoption is one of the most complicated situations out there. While it is something I would like to consider doing, a part of me doesn't know if I could deal with all the pain and stress that one has to go through in the adoption process. However, time will tell what happens down the road.

I always thought I would adopt. I simply could never imagine actually carrying a child, being pregnant, giving birth. Part of it is that my own mother had a few difficult pregnancies and couldn't carry any baby to term (I was a preemie). That's why I'm an only child. I remember when she miscarried the baby that would've been my little sister or brother. She gave up, figuring it would probably kill her to try to have another kid. Rational or not - I don't have *any* reason to believe I would go through the trouble that she did -
but I have just always been absolutely terrified of being pregnant. I've wanted a child, I just don't especially want to *bear* a child.

 

[gujuDoc]

I always thought I would adopt. I simply could never imagine actually carrying a child, being pregnant, giving birth. Part of it is that my own mother had a few difficult pregnancies and couldn't carry any baby to term (I was a preemie). That's why I'm an only child. I remember when she miscarried the baby that would've been my little sister or brother. She gave up, figuring it would probably kill her to try to have another kid. Rational or not - I don't have *any* reason to believe I would go through the trouble that she did -
but I have just always been absolutely terrified of being pregnant. I've wanted a child, I just don't especially want to *bear* a child.

I know of someone whose parents went through the same thing as your parents wen through. They also chose to adopt after similar issues. It is just real heartbreaking to see what some couples go through, when all they want to do is have a child and a family. What's more frustrating is how the good people often have a hard time having a child, while people who are very unfit to be parents get pregnant more easily. Not saying this is always the case, but I've seen it on many occasions and it breaks my heart when I see this happen.

 

[LJDHC05]

Hey gals, thanks for the comments. I guess the reason that I'm a committment-phobe is because I dont know where I'm going for the next 4 years and I don't want to tie her down. Also, she's got the same phobia as me, so we'd probably end up dating for a long while regardless of what I decided to do. I've given her an awefully long leash in the past with the distance dating issue especially when she went abroad to spain for a year. So I guess the only real pressure to move beyond serious dating to fiance level is coming from me.