Girlfriend in surgery

[eklope2000]

I'm a current resident (R2) who now has a girlfriend who is a general surgery intern.

The problem/question is that she gets stressed out very easily- daily work irritations when dealing with patients nurses families co-residents attendings, being on call, getting out later than expected from work, upcoming in-service exams... And when she gets stressed out, she gets bitchy. And when she's bitchy, she complains about me. Examples include not calling her right back when she pages, going out to the store myself on a night she's on call and not being available to bring her food right away when she starts to get hungry and irritable, bringing her her pager that she accidentally left at home and then getting blamed for leaving it in the wrong conference room and causing her to not be able to go home on time.

Sounds bad, but what keeps me going? That when she's not at work and stressed out she's a wonderful person and the greatest joy in my life... her real personality comes out and I love her for it. More over, without me saying anything, she recognizes her bitchy behavior herself and apologizes often. I don't take her bitchiness personally (for the most part).

However, apologetic or not, it DOES wear me down. Especially because I'm also a resident and have my own life/stresses that I deal with. My friend who was in a similar situation advised me that "it's hard enough to handle one residency but two will ultimately wear you down."


I would like to hear anyone else's related stories or advice they may have for my situation.

As a discussion point, it also makes me wonder if this is one of the reasons why many women in medicine gravitate toward partners/spouses with low-key jobs outside of medicine. The same may actually be true for men in medicine, actually, so I definitely don't want to overgeneralize or be gender insensitive. The deal is, that when she has stress and complaints about work, not only do I understand the problem well, but I've also dealt with all of these problems first-hand as an intern on surgery rotations myself and remember being able to cope without turning into a bastard to other people or becoming so demanding of others.

But everyone responds differently, and I'm here to be supportive. But I'm also a busy resident and need to head this off early on to avoid feeling abused and like a doormat and keep my own stress level manageable.


Thanks!

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[smq123]

Sounds bad, but what keeps me going? That when she's not at work and stressed out she's a wonderful person and the greatest joy in my life... her real personality comes out and I love her for it. More over, without me saying anything, she recognizes her bitchy behavior herself and apologizes often. I don't take her bitchiness personally (for the most part).

- How do you know WHICH is her "real" personality? The one when everything is fine and dandy, or the one when she's under pressure?

- Even if she's naturally a nice person, her mean personality might start to take over and BECOME her "real" personality.

- Some day, you will take her bitchiness personally. It gets old after a while.

 

[JStephens]

Im no resident but speaking in general, life is too short for that type of thing. Personally, I would just write her off and find someone who deals better under pressure. I think that contrary to what you think, her true character isn't who she is when she's happy, but its who she turns into when she is stressed. I would drop her very quickly and move on. Best of luck to you!

 

[dotdash]

You should be really very frank with her. Since she apologizes for it, she's aware that her behavior is inappropriate or hurtful, but maybe she's not aware of the degree to which you are being pushed away.

And she's a general surgery intern? Isn't that the most stressful year of stressful years? If you've been together for a while and you love her, you might consider not making decisions based on anything that happens during this year. If you are in it for the longterm, take a long-term view....

But I would speak your mind. You deserve her respect regardless of how bad her work life is.

(I'm a spouse. I wonder what the surgical interns would say?)

 

[sumstorm]

Find a calmer moment and talk it out. Decide on what actions/behaviors need to happen. Set some boundries. It really doesn't mattter whether you were a perfect angel under every stressful situation on earth or not; it won't change how she reacts. It may just mean she has to learn some different ways to cope and you have to set some boundries.

I say this because I know I get stressed out and frazzled with the juggling act I am doing, and I am not an intern. I also know my husband had it one night (we only see each other every other weekend at most) and threatened divorce. I told him to go ahead; I had spent 2 years dealing with his every whim and walking him through the hardest, darkest part of his life, and if he couldn't stand dealing with stress and demands while I got my feet under me, I wasn't going to beg or coerce him into staying. The good news? after 2/3 of the semester I was on my feet and back to my core, happy, get it done attitude. The bad news; it is taking us longer to get over the threat of divorce; it hurt to have it thrown at me, and it hurt him to hear that I wasn't going to fall apart if he walked out. I love my husband dearly, and have proven it through years of sacrifice that actually caused me to be injured/ill to provide him with career oppurtunities, but I learned to take care of myself a long time ago and can hack it on my own.

And that might be an option to....some space/time apart. She packs her own food for work, instead of you being an on call food delivery service. Not talking right after she gets home. If she leaves her pager, it stays left. These are natural consequences of being an adult; you are trying to help, and if it isn't appreciated, let her deal with the natural consequences. Then figure out how to relate to each other.

I am sorry this is tough right now and I hope it gets better. But if you have had a great relationship, don't discard it without at least attempting to address the issues.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Having been a surgery intern and having been the SO of another surgery resident, I can attest to the stress. And its only compounded if you feel you don't have a supportive and/or understanding partner. She may think you don't know what she's facing.

That being said, her sense of entitlement and demands are ridiculous. She will end up driving you away and she needs to know that. My partner didn't say anything until it was too late, he'd had enough and I was left wondering what I did wrong.

If you really care about her and want the relationship to work out, you need to sit her down (presumably on one of her golden weekends), talk about what's hurting you and (this is important) make your expectations clear. She's an adult, thus feeding herself is her responsibility. If she pages you, you will call back as soon as you can. If she leaves her pager at home again, she gets a loaner from the hospital operator. Write it down if you think you'll forget some things, or cave in.

You must be very clear that you love her and understand (to some extent) what she is going through but that your relationship is suffering. Surgery residency does not necessarily get easier, therefore, this is not a case of just getting through this year. She will work more hours as a senior resident, there will be more expectations and frustrations. Work it out now.

If I'd known/realized that my relationship was in such danger, I would have done anything to change. I was naive enough to think that if the relationship was good and there was enough love, that the stress of residency wouldn't matter and that we'd get through without working on the relationship. It is not enough for her to recognize the bad behavior and apologize. Don't let her think that she can continue to abuse you and disrepect your relationship without consequences. As others have stated, one day, you will have had enough and she will be suprised, especially if you've said nothing. She sounds like me - she thinks its all ok if you apologize and that it won't affect the relationship, but it gets tiring to be on the other end of this. You (presumably) deserve better.

 

[MusicJunkie]

Having been a surgery intern and having been the SO of another surgery resident, I can attest to the stress. And its only compounded if you feel you don't have a supportive and/or understanding partner. She may think you don't know what she's facing.

That being said, her sense of entitlement and demands are ridiculous. She will end up driving you away and she needs to know that. My partner didn't say anything until it was too late, he'd had enough and I was left wondering what I did wrong.

If you really care about her and want the relationship to work out, you need to sit her down (presumably on one of her golden weekends), talk about what's hurting you and (this is important) make your expectations clear. She's an adult, thus feeding herself is her responsibility. If she pages you, you will call back as soon as you can. If she leaves her pager at home again, she gets a loaner from the hospital operator. Write it down if you think you'll forget some things, or cave in.

You must be very clear that you love her and understand (to some extent) what she is going through but that your relationship is suffering. Surgery residency does not necessarily get easier, therefore, this is not a case of just getting through this year. She will work more hours as a senior resident, there will be more expectations and frustrations. Work it out now.

If I'd known/realized that my relationship was in such danger, I would have done anything to change. I was naive enough to think that if the relationship was good and there was enough love, that the stress of residency wouldn't matter and that we'd get through without working on the relationship. It is not enough for her to recognize the bad behavior and apologize. Don't let her think that she can continue to abuse you and disrepect your relationship without consequences. As others have stated, one day, you will have had enough and she will be suprised, especially if you've said nothing. She sounds like me - she thinks its all ok if you apologize and that it won't affect the relationship, but it gets tiring to be on the other end of this. You (presumably) deserve better.

I know this is a little out of left field, but I appreciate your frankness and honesty about your situation. That really helped me understand a personal situation that happened w/ me and a former SO a while back.

 

[eklope2000]

Thanks so much for the replies so far. It's been great already hearing from both non-medical partners and other residents.

 

[xanthines]

I don't really have anything to add other than my support and luck. My SO is a non-surgery resident so I understand a little of what you're going through. It sounds like she needs to find a better way of dealing with stress than taking it out on you. Otherwise the likely outcome will be that you break up and she loses her support system. I'm not sure if it's possible to teach people to deal with stress when they have so little free time and are under that much constant stress. That said, I'm not a therapist so what do I know?

Good luck and let us know how it goes. I'm sure others (including myself) want to know how you handle this and if you were successful.

-X