Grade my essay please? I've never gotten feedback before. :(

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virtuoso735

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If I wrote two essays of about this quality, what would I get (J-T)? I wrote this one in ~25 minutes.



This is from AAMC CBT #11:
Successful politicians are motivated more by practical considerations than by moral values.
Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which successful politicians might be motivated more by moral values than by practical considerations. Discuss what you think determines whether a successful politicians are motivated more by practical concerns or by moral values.


Politicians, at least in democratic societies, are given mandates by the voters of a nation to facilitate legislation that is deemed the most beneficial to citizens of that country. Politicians, those of whom create and support or argue against new laws and policies, base their support of new legislation on a number of factors, of which two of the most salient are practical considerations and morals. Morals fall under the "values" umbrella—politicians are guided by a set of guidelines, whether they are personal or codified in religions and other doctrine. Morals are at least somewhat intuitive in nature, and issues involving morals involve "gut" feelings and judgments on whether a particular course of action can be justified using the set of guidelines. Practical considerations are more utilitarian, and depend upon calculations of risk and potential benefits. In many cases, a combination of the two are used to come to conclusions about legislation, but in some cases, "morals" are what guide politicians in their work.​

In recent election years, gay marriage has been an issue of great contention. Politicians on both sides, but especially conservative ones, have pushed the issue to raise the profile of their campaigns. Conservative Republicans, such as Republican presidential nominee Rick Santorum, have touted their opposition to the legalization of gay marriage on the basis of morals, specifically, morals that have been derived from theological interpretations of the bible. Santorum has unabashedly referenced the Bible while opposing the legalization of gay marriage in the United States, and thus his stance on the issue can be described as one derived from his morals. Whether or not Santorum can be considered successful as of yet, there is no doubt that his strong opposition to gay marriage has won him votes in the conservative regions of the country, and notoriety among those with more liberal views. His appeal to evangelical voters and lower to middle class voters cannot be denied, and much of it can be attributed to his moral views. Thus, his success rests on his strong moral convictions on the issue. In the same way, George W. Bush's success in the 2004 presidential elections was won in much the same way. He appealed to a large swath of voters by constantly bringing up the discussion of morals and values when he referred to the "War on Terrorism" and his opposition to gay marriage. His strong, somewhat polarizing, position on both issues appealed to many voters. Santorum and Bush are both politicians who were motivated by moral considerations, and became more successful because of it.​

If we consider gay marriage from a utilitarian standpoint, there would be very little reason to oppose its legalization. In fact, studies have shown that the legalization of gay marriage would improve the economy, as those in the LGBT would spend more money on wedding ceremonies and the like. It is therefore very much the case then that conservative Republicans are motivated to oppose gay marriage based on morals derived from the Bible than from practical considerations.​

There are a number of reasons why politicians may be more motivated by practical considerations rather than moral considerations, and vice versa. The number of votes that a politician may gain is most likely the most important reason for a politician to lean one way or the other. If a politician feels that he has much to gain in the way of the number of votes he can obtain for a future election by following his practical considerations, then he will place more emphasis on the practical considerations. For example, a politician might be an environmentalist, and his set of morals might lead him to oppose drilling for oil in the Alaskan wilderness. However, his constituents continually clamor for him to do something about the exorbitant oil prices. In this case, if he wants to be reelected in a future election cycle, he must follow the practical course and drill for oil in Alaska, even though he may be morally disinclined to do so. In the same way, a liberal politician may not voice his support for gay marriage even if he does support it for fear that his largely conservative voter base may refuse to vote for him in the future. As seen in the examples, politics is largely a game where politicians try to garner as many votes as possible, so that they may stay in office for the longest time possible. Ideally, politicians would weigh both practical and moral considerations when making decisions that affect the country, but it that is almost an impossible task when convictions are strong-headed, and politicians are in constant fear of losing their positions.​

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The longer the essay the better, right? I know length isn't an ends to itself, but I'm pretty sure my essay is coherent and logically presented as well. 🙂
 
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Nope. What's important is that you answer the prompt with a coherent argument. I wouldn't stress about the writing section. It only really matters if you're Canadian.

Thanks. I'm not too worried about the writing section, but I've never gotten feedback for my essays so I don't know if I'm doing anything horribly wrong or something. I just want some SDNers to tell me I'm on the right track.
 
Essay #2, also from CBT 11:

A person's first priority in life should be financial security.
Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which a person's first priority in life might NOT be financial security. Discuss what you think determines whether or not a person's first priority in life should be financial security.

Throughout our lives, we are groomed to believe that earning money and having the means to live a comfortable lifestyle is the paramount goal in our lives. We do well in high school to attend a respected college, so that we may obtain a respectable job that can pay our bills, allow us to buy a nice house and car, and raise a family. This describes the essence of financial security—those who are financially secure do not have to worry about having enough money to survive, and lead lifestyles that are the envy of those who are less fortunate. In the world today, money is the ultimate motivator, and there is no doubt that having enough money makes life much easier. However, in some cases, there are situations where financial security should not be the main priority in life.​

One situation in which financial security should not be the main priority is a situation in which a supremely gifted or talented person must give up his artistic and intellectual vision just in order to be financially secure. The following example comes from the 17th century, but is still relevant to us today. Mozart, one of the great composers of Western classical music, was undoubtedly a man of great artistic talent and vision. His musical works can be considered the pinnacle of achievement during the classical period. However, during most of his life, Mozart was poor, and far from financially secure. He saw his artistic and musical endeavors as more important than earning money and his life played out accordingly. Few composers of his time were well-off, and those that were well-off, wrote music to please the royal court, and sold music to the masses. Mozart failed to tailor most of his work to appeal to the patrons of the arts of his day, and suffered financially for it. However, Mozart did not compromise his artistic integrity for financial security. Indeed, he would spend his own money funding projects that no one else would, and some of his music, particularly his operas, were considered distasteful or too radical in his time, and therefore he had very little financial gain from them. Mozart's profligate lifestyle may have partly contributed to his lack of financial security, but it is still the case that his main motivation in life was not financial security; rather it is artistic integrity, and musicians today are grateful for it.​

As can be seen in the example, whether or not a person's first priority in life should be financial security depends whether or not the person has an special, rare talent that should be nurtured without regard to financial security. Many great artists in history were poor—far from financially stable—yet produced some of the greatest art known to man. Had these artists been motivated primarily by financial security, we would not be enriched with their intellectual rewards today. Another consideration when determining whether or not a person should count financial security as his or her first priority in life is whether or not pursuing financial security will make them miserable. Financial security at the cost of happiness is not tenable. Financial security for misery in their jobs is not a trade that many people would make. Many people would agree that those who are not happy with their jobs, even if it gives them financial security, do not necessarily enjoy the comfortable lifestyle their jobs afford them. Thus, happiness is another important factor to consider when determining if financial security should be the first priority in one's life. Financial security is important, and now more difficult to obtain than ever due to the struggling economy, but it is necessary to realize that there are more important aspects to life than money.​
 
What has worked for me is this format:

Intro (I incorporate a thesis sentence here)
Present one side (say, thesis)
Present the other side (antithesis)
Wrap it together by providing some new view (synthesis)
Concluding Paragraph

I've gotten an S and a T, respectively on my two test takes - and I've been writing all of my essays in this format. I usually combine antithesis and synthesis into one paragraph. It seems the essay graders also enjoy stereotypical essay format, so a distinct intro/conclusion is probably helpful.

The key, it seems to me is concrete examples - historical, current events, literature, anything you can think of. I remember using some BS evidence about Clinton and Monica Lewinsky when I got an S - so there you go. If you can write your way into backing up your evidence, you're set. Curiously enough, this is the standard for most essays you compose..ever 😉 I won't try and grade your essays, but give you an idea of how I've done it and what I got out of it.

Also, if you can write quickly, I would suggest scratching a quick outline on your scrap paper - it's always helped me organize my thinking and gave me something to refer to when I got stuck. But yeah, the writing doesn't really count for diddly squat - your writing style shows that you have some command of English and that's about the most anyone will get out of an essay score. So don't worry about it.
 
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