Help! Pharm D Personal Statement

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Ayalam

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I have just finished my first draft for my personal statement, and I was looking for feedback from someone who has gone through the process, and can offer any suggestions. I have pasted the essay below. Thanks to anyone who can help!

As I sit here today I can remember his face clearly, even though it was over fifteen years ago. My mother was crying as she entered my grandfather’s hospital room, she grabbed his hand and stroked his still face. Even at the young age of six I knew there was something wrong. I now know that he was battling lung cancer while lying in that hospital bed, and that his death could have been prevented. At his funeral I remember my grandmother’s face swollen from all of her tears, and I’ve never been able to escape these images in my head.

As long as I can remember I have always looked up to and considered my father my mentor. He came to this country and overcame many obstacles to become a physician to help others, and I had always wanted to follow in his footsteps. Like most people I had always had this image of doctors playing the most important role in medicine, but while working in his office, as a receptionist, these past three years I have come to realize that the importance of a pharmacist is often undervalued. Pharmacists are the direct link between doctors and their patients, between diagnosis and treatment, between illness and health, and they hold a crucial role in the well-being of patients. When my mother tried to explain to me as a young child why my grandfather had died I could only understand that he didn’t get the right medicine. As an adult I am now aware that the wrong dosage of his chemotherapy was administered. This mistake proved not only to be fatal, but possibly preventable. This realization, in addition to my interest in healthcare, intrigued my educational interests so much I now seek to devote my career to the study and practice of pharmacy. Pharmacists have become an integral component in the medical field, not only educating patients of the side effects and dangers that medications can have, but also in preventing medical errors. Becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy would mean I could further my education on the medical drug treatment for illness and disease, and that one day I may be skilled and educated enough to become a positive variable that can reduce the margin of medical error.

I am determined to further my education, and I believe that becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy holds the ongoing intellectual challenges I seek in a career. I possess the ability, resolve, readiness, and dedication to achieve my goal of obtaining a Degree in Pharmacy, and all I seek is the opportunity to apply myself as a student. During my father’s pursuit to become a medical doctor I witnessed the personal and family sacrifices he made. We celebrated many Christmases in the hospital cafeteria, and missed our father during those emergency calls that required him to be away from us. As I look at him now, I know and understand the perseverance he possessed. I still plan to follow in my father’s “footsteps”. The footsteps of hard work and dedication to help others as he has done, but I hope to make a few new footsteps of my own along the way, which will lead me in the direction of Pharmacology.
 
Ayalam said:
I have just finished my first draft for my personal statement, and I was looking for feedback from someone who has gone through the process, and can offer any suggestions. I have pasted the essay below. Thanks to anyone who can help!

I don't think it's such a good idea to copy and paste your essay in a public area like this...afterall, you want to be unique right? 😉 i'd be happy to read your essay but maybe later on in the semester or over my spring break (in march) if you still need someone to look at it. it's just that right now, i am overwhelmed with other things =) but feel free to email it to me (send me a PM and i'll give you my email addy). a better way of going about doing this is to ask if anybody in this forum is willing to read your personal statement and then, with their permission, PM it to them.
 
Ayalam said:
I have just finished my first draft for my personal statement, and I was looking for feedback from someone who has gone through the process, and can offer any suggestions. I have pasted the essay below. Thanks to anyone who can help!

As I sit here today I can remember his face clearly, even though it was over fifteen years ago. My mother was crying as she entered my grandfather’s hospital room, she grabbed his hand and stroked his still face. Even at the young age of six I knew there was something wrong. I now know that he was battling lung cancer while lying in that hospital bed, and that his death could have been prevented. At his funeral I remember my grandmother’s face swollen from all of her tears, and I’ve never been able to escape these images in my head.

As long as I can remember I have always looked up to and considered my father my mentor. He came to this country and overcame many obstacles to become a physician to help others, and I had always wanted to follow in his footsteps. Like most people I had always had this image of doctors playing the most important role in medicine, but while working in his office, as a receptionist, these past three years I have come to realize that the importance of a pharmacist is often undervalued. Pharmacists are the direct link between doctors and their patients, between diagnosis and treatment, between illness and health, and they hold a crucial role in the well-being of patients. When my mother tried to explain to me as a young child why my grandfather had died I could only understand that he didn’t get the right medicine. As an adult I am now aware that the wrong dosage of his chemotherapy was administered. This mistake proved not only to be fatal, but possibly preventable. This realization, in addition to my interest in healthcare, intrigued my educational interests so much I now seek to devote my career to the study and practice of pharmacy. Pharmacists have become an integral component in the medical field, not only educating patients of the side effects and dangers that medications can have, but also in preventing medical errors. Becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy would mean I could further my education on the medical drug treatment for illness and disease, and that one day I may be skilled and educated enough to become a positive variable that can reduce the margin of medical error.

I am determined to further my education, and I believe that becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy holds the ongoing intellectual challenges I seek in a career. I possess the ability, resolve, readiness, and dedication to achieve my goal of obtaining a Degree in Pharmacy, and all I seek is the opportunity to apply myself as a student. During my father’s pursuit to become a medical doctor I witnessed the personal and family sacrifices he made. We celebrated many Christmases in the hospital cafeteria, and missed our father during those emergency calls that required him to be away from us. As I look at him now, I know and understand the perseverance he possessed. I still plan to follow in my father’s “footsteps”. The footsteps of hard work and dedication to help others as he has done, but I hope to make a few new footsteps of my own along the way, which will lead me in the direction of Pharmacology.
This seems more like a novel than an attempt to get into a school. I'm sure that your experiences have had a great effect on your life, but why not write about your strong points and how you could contribute to the school and education of your fellow students? When I read your statement, it's about your father, not you. I don't know anything about you after reading your statement. They aren't admitting your family, just you. Tell them more about yourself. I would still include the story of your father, just make it a lot more concise. Focus on what you did in response to your father's death instead of the actual, terrible event. Let them know how it motivated you and how your academic performance excelled after this happened ( I'm assuming it did excel). I hope that schools aren't admitting based on family history, or a lineage of pharmacists. Tell them about yourself, not your family. There is no doubt that you have a great motivation for pharmacy, but make your statement more about you, and less about your family. Good luck, and I hope you find my comments helpful.
 
I just finished writing mine yesterday. I started writing mine last semester, and at first I started writing about my dad because his death had a big impact on me and played a big role in my deciding to pursue this field. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I was writing about him and not myself. All those months of writing about him were very therapeutic for me, and once I finally got through writing about him, I was able to focus on writing about me and what I have accomplished and how I researched the field/programs, etc.
My suggestion to you is to show them how you "possess the ability, resolve, readiness, and dedication to achieve [your] goal of obtaining a Degree in Pharmacy". Don't just say that you do, because anyone can say that they do....in order for them to believe you, convince them by writing about situations that show you possess these qualities. Perhaps you volunteered, write about that.
PM me if you would like to email me with your statement. I'll be very happy to help you! 🙂
 
Make it less mushy.
 
I think the first paragraph is way too dramatic and I think you could probably do without it, or make it less (or not) emotional. Plus there is no real transition between the first 2 paragraphs. First you talk about your grandfather and then all of a sudden about your dad. I was a bit confused at that point. maybe you can focus on only one person.

But regardless, the admissions committee is more interested in hearing about why you think you would be a good pharmacist versus why you became interested in pharmacy. They will be reading hundreds of PSs that talk about why they are interested in pharmacy but here is your chance to let them know something about your skills and personality.

For example, in my PS (4 years ago) I basically talked about why my transcript grades were crappy, I opened with a line something like "My transcript is like a roller coaster ride..." And in this analogy I was able to explain something about myself and my GPA they otherwise would not have known from just looking at my numbers. I also talked about my experiences working in a pharmacy and why I wanted to be the pharmacist to help people, versus just being a tech not knowing anything.

I think you should focus more on your experiences and highlight some accomplishments and relate them to pharmacy somehow. And also work on some of your transitioning. I like your example about how you saw as a receptionist pharmacists are important but then right after you jump back in time to your mom talking about the chemo dose. And it's always good to stress your desire to help people since thats an important part of what pharmacy is all about.

Sorry so blunt, good luck! 👍
 
I would re-write the whole thing if I were you...

The one thing people on admissions comittee's really hate are personal statements that manipulate emotions. I would simply state: "The reprocussions of mis-management of medical treatment upon a member of my family is indicative of how the phamarmacist is able to provide a crucial role in improving medical outcomes." or something like that. Then go on from there. blah blah blah "to this effect my interest in the field of pharmacy was peaked and led to my doing [insert whatever you have done], which has further strengthed my desire to obtain my PharmD.

Keep things factual and focus on not only what made you become interested in pharmacy, but primarily why you will be a good pharmacist or candidate for the school you are applying to. Don't crack jokes or put a lot of emotion, but don't let your writing be overly stiff or stilted. I would suggest writing a couple versions, then take them around to all your teachers and have them take a look at it, and then go from there. Anyway that is my 2 cents.
 
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read the statement, and offering your feedback. Looks like I have some things to tweak. 👍
 
Ayalam said:
Like most people I had always had this image of doctors playing the most important role in medicine...Pharmacists are the direct link between doctors and their patients, between diagnosis and treatment, between illness and health.

yes doctors have most important role in medicine...no doctors talk straight to their patients they dont go through pharmacist all pharmacist does is fill the bottle...when i do brain surgery there is no pharm holding the scalpel i am holding the scalpel direct to the brain...pharm job a robot can do i'm not worried my job will be done by a robot
 
tangellow said:
yes doctors have most important role in medicine...no doctors talk straight to their patients they dont go through pharmacist all pharmacist does is fill the bottle...when i do brain surgery there is no pharm holding the scalpel i am holding the scalpel direct to the brain...pharm job a robot can do i'm not worried my job will be done by a robot

Huh? 😕 Yo tangellow, either you've entered the wrong forum or your purposely trying to piss some people off. I suggest you first, learn how to communicate in coherent sentences, and second, think before you say anything unless you get a rise out of causeing problems. Just a little advice, take it for what it's worth.
 
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