help with editing

[Eri3]

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Ik this is not an writing forum but any help would be appreciated.

Is this sentence grammatically sound: "My strong desire for exploration and learning are characteristics that I value, because they have enabled me to truly enjoy a challenging yet enriched college experience."

Also does this sound like I'm gloating too much??? I'm not trying to do that.

 

[jeffity]

Ik this is not an writing forum but any help would be appreciated.

Is this sentence grammatically sound: "My strong desire for exploration and learning are characteristics that I value, because they have enabled me to truly enjoy a challenging yet enriched college experience."

Also does this sound like I'm gloating too much??? I'm not trying to do that.

Doesn't sound natural. Desire is only one characteristic too.

 

[Eri3]

Doesn't sound natural. Desire is only one characteristic too.

can you plea elaborate on not sounding natural?

 

[tandem7]

It's too wordy and complex. The point of communication is to get your thought across in a clear, concise manner. Break it up, remove excess verbiage, and change to something along the lines of:

Constant exploration and learning are characteristics that I value; these values have enabled me to experience a challenging yet enriching college experience.

 

[asne0407]

These things need to be in your own words...

 

[tandem7]

Remember, the key to a good personal statement (or sentence), is to be as concise as possible. The more concise, the more easier to understand. As Mark Twain said (about editing out words): "If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter".

 

[Eri3]

Remember, the key to a good personal statement (or sentence), is to be as concise as possible. The more concise, the more easier to understand. As Mark Twain said (about editing out words): "If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter".

I do have a tendency to write in circles and use filler words.

Sometimes I feel as if editing sentences leads to them being too formal. It's hard to be short and concise while still showing passion and desire.