help with editing

Started by Eri3
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Eri3

Full Member
10+ Year Member
Ik this is not an writing forum but any help would be appreciated.

Is this sentence grammatically sound: "My strong desire for exploration and learning are characteristics that I value, because they have enabled me to truly enjoy a challenging yet enriched college experience."

Also does this sound like I'm gloating too much??? I'm not trying to do that.
 
Eri3 said:
Ik this is not an writing forum but any help would be appreciated.

Is this sentence grammatically sound: "My strong desire for exploration and learning are characteristics that I value, because they have enabled me to truly enjoy a challenging yet enriched college experience."

Also does this sound like I'm gloating too much??? I'm not trying to do that.
Click to expand...

Doesn't sound natural. Desire is only one characteristic too.
 
It's too wordy and complex. The point of communication is to get your thought across in a clear, concise manner. Break it up, remove excess verbiage, and change to something along the lines of:

Constant exploration and learning are characteristics that I value; these values have enabled me to experience a challenging yet enriching college experience.
 
Remember, the key to a good personal statement (or sentence), is to be as concise as possible. The more concise, the more easier to understand. As Mark Twain said (about editing out words): "If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter".
 
tandem7 said:
Remember, the key to a good personal statement (or sentence), is to be as concise as possible. The more concise, the more easier to understand. As Mark Twain said (about editing out words): "If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter".
Click to expand...

I do have a tendency to write in circles and use filler words.

Sometimes I feel as if editing sentences leads to them being too formal. It's hard to be short and concise while still showing passion and desire.
 
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